Hi fam! Looking for some advice because I think I may be TA but my friends and family are telling me no.
TLDR; My friend who watches my son bailed on me and her BHT threatened to call the cops on my kid due to his escalated behavior. I reported him to his supervisors.
My friend, let’s call her M, was watching my son for me (not for free) when school let out because my work is still in for a few more weeks. My son (let’s call him J) is 9, autistic with behavioral issues and ADHD. He receives home based services in the evenings several times a week and is in trauma therapy for abuse. We discussed things for hours and she assured me with her experience working in mental health she could handle it. And she did for a while. Then one day a few things all happened that led to a really big meltdown.
J doesn’t do well with heat (M knew this) and she took him and her kids to the park. She didn’t have his cool down towel or his phone (left both in the car) and didn’t ensure he got his medication. M said she “reminded him” but didn’t make sure he took it. So all these things happened and he got mad about something and wasn’t able to handle the heat and had an escalation.
M’s daughter has a BHT and instead of continuing on with his day, he decided to step in. J doesn’t know this man and so it really only made him more mad. J got mad and spit which made my friend yell and then my son so reacted to the yelling. He’s overheated, didn’t get his medication, and has 2 adults yelling at him. I was abused by his dad so when he gets overwhelmed with his emotions he tends to lash out. (He’s never done anything other than hitting and biting. So he’s “aggressive” but he isn’t “violent” in the sense of intentionally trying to seriously injure people) M is also suppose to call me when he gets upset because I can calm him down easily which she didn’t do until he was already flipping out. Then didn’t allow me to continue calming him down before hanging up. She calls me 5 mins later to tell me she refuses to watch him anymore because he’s “acting like a fool and I’m not taking it seriously” and then I hear the BHT tell my son he was going to call the cops on him.
I tried talking to M a few days later about the situation and I wasn’t even mad at her because I understand tensions were high and it was a messed up situation all around. J was given his consequences at home privately, we had several talks about his behavior and coping skills, he was genuinely apologetic after everything happened. I didn’t even call her out on her faults (not having his interventions or giving him his medication) but I tried telling her how absolutely inappropriate and unethical it was not only for the BHT to get involved with someone who wasn’t his client, but to threaten a 9 year old with calling the cops especially with J’s history of trauma. M made excuses for the BHT and brushed it off.
So the next day I called the company he works for and spoke with a supervisor. I told them what happened as it had been related to me, why I was upset, and that I felt he needed to understand his role is to HIS client not anyone else. I wasn’t looking for him to get fired, I didn’t even ask for a callback to know what happened. I just wanted to report the incident.
Afterward though I felt guilty because she and I have been friends for years. My mom and best friends are telling me I did the right thing but I still feel badly because I feel like I acted out of anger. So AITAH?
Comments
Thanks for submitting to the Two Hot Takes Podcast Subreddit! We’d like to remind you that all posts are subject to being featured in an episode of the Two Hot Takes Podcast. If your story is featured you’ll
get a nifty flair change to let you know and we’ll drop a link so you can see our host’s take on your story.
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.
Backup of the post’s body: Hi fam! Looking for some advice because I think I may be TA but my friends and family are telling me no.
TLDR; My friend who watches my son bailed on me and her BHT threatened to call the cops on my kid due to his escalated behavior. I reported him to his supervisors.
My friend, let’s call her M, was watching my son for me (not for free) when school let out because my work is still in for a few more weeks. My son (let’s call him J) is 9, autistic with behavioral issues and ADHD. He receives home based services in the evenings several times a week and is in trauma therapy for abuse. We discussed things for hours and she assured me with her experience working in mental health she could handle it. And she did for a while. Then one day a few things all happened that led to a really big meltdown.
J doesn’t do well with heat (M knew this) and she took him and her kids to the park. She didn’t have his cool down towel or his phone (left both in the car) and didn’t ensure he got his medication. M said she “reminded him” but didn’t make sure he took it. So all these things happened and he got mad about something and wasn’t able to handle the heat and had an escalation.
M’s daughter has a BHT and instead of continuing on with his day, he decided to step in. J doesn’t know this man and so it really only made him more mad. J got mad and spit which made my friend yell and then my son so reacted to the yelling. He’s overheated, didn’t get his medication, and has 2 adults yelling at him. I was abused by his dad so when he gets overwhelmed with his emotions he tends to lash out. (He’s never done anything other than hitting and biting. So he’s “aggressive” but he isn’t “violent” in the sense of intentionally trying to seriously injure people) M is also suppose to call me when he gets upset because I can calm him down easily which she didn’t do until he was already flipping out. Then didn’t allow me to continue calming him down before hanging up. She calls me 5 mins later to tell me she refuses to watch him anymore because he’s “acting like a fool and I’m not taking it seriously” and then I hear the BHT tell my son he was going to call the cops on him.
I tried talking to M a few days later about the situation and I wasn’t even mad at her because I understand tensions were high and it was a messed up situation all around. J was given his consequences at home privately, we had several talks about his behavior and coping skills, he was genuinely apologetic after everything happened. I didn’t even call her out on her faults (not having his interventions or giving him his medication) but I tried telling her how absolutely inappropriate and unethical it was not only for the BHT to get involved with someone who wasn’t his client, but to threaten a 9 year old with calling the cops especially with J’s history of trauma. M made excuses for the BHT and brushed it off.
So the next day I called the company he works for and spoke with a supervisor. I told them what happened as it had been related to me, why I was upset, and that I felt he needed to understand his role is to HIS client not anyone else. I wasn’t looking for him to get fired, I didn’t even ask for a callback to know what happened. I just wanted to report the incident.
Afterward though I felt guilty because she and I have been friends for years. My mom and best friends are telling me I did the right thing but I still feel badly because I feel like I acted out of anger. So AITAH?
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.
What is a BHT?
You absolutely did the right thing. I hope the BHT is fired and loses their license. That is not an appropriate way to manage that situation, or most situations.
I would probably do exactly what you have done but with a lot less patience for that guy. I hate when people are scaring children with police. And if he works at my company I would like to know that we have an employee who is threatening to call police on autistic ADHD child.
I hope your friend will apologize and you will save your friendship.
D+
You did not act out of anger, but your friend did. She really has no understanding of your child’s needs. The BHT crossed the line. If he works for a legitimate professional agency, he will held accountable and provided with guidance and further training. Not all of these agencies are the best, including who they hire.
It sounded like there were many wrong turns here. Find someone with the skills to care for your son and someone who can solely focus on him and his needs.
You did the right thing in calling the agency. They need to know what an employee is doing out in the field. NTA.
Thank you for clearing up what a BHT is. Not to take away from the serious of your post but I googled it and found big hunky teen in urban dictionary.
Just got totally confused. Thought the daughter had a big hunky teen boyfriend who over stepped🤦🏻♀️
What the heck is a BHT? That’s not in the glossary anywhere.
You’re under reacting if anything. Make a complaint to the licensing board. Both the BHT and your friend were grossly incompetent, wildly out of line, and dangerously close to getting your child murdered by police. Stand on business, mama. You’re completely in the right here.
ETA: I’m a 37 year old AuDHD woman and have significant experience with a violent autistic teen much larger than I am.
I also have a 9 yr old autistic son, he is reactive to changes, cold, and other things that may seem small to us but with autism they struggle with not understanding that it may be small. It’s not small in their mind, it’s a huge issue in their mind, and that it can cause obursts.
ANY PROPERLY TRAINED PROFESSIONAL KNOWS THIS.
ANY EDUCATED PERSON AROUND AUTISTIC CHILDREN KNOW THIS.
Good job mama, I’d cut the friend off immediately. To not have a child’s necessary medication, necessary coping mechanisms, and then to take away communication to a support (you) is in my opinion, neglect to an autistic child.Taking away their resources is taking away their structure which of course causes reactions.
Good luck mama and I hope you find someone that can better take care of your child. If you ever need someone to vent to that understands my dms are open to you. ❤️
That therapist should’ve immediately known that they should not have tried stepping into a case that they had no background on.
And I’m sorry, but your friend is an asshole. She disregarded everything that you had told her. Everything she promised to do caring for your son.
And you should’ve been angry at her. Everything escalated due to her negligence in your son‘s care. I do personally think you’re letting her off too easy.
Because she had been told specifically what to do. How to help your son. And she educated her responsibility in making sure that your son had his medication. Yeah… She’s a crap friend and grab mom if she does stuff like this.
Please know, I understand that caring for your son is not always easy. It takes dedication and attention to detail. And we all have bad days. But when you agree to watch somebody’s child who has these issues, and you are given very specific steps that can be taken to avoid all of this, and you ignore every single one…
That’s a no for me. I’m sorry if your friend was having a bad day. I’m sorry if she was tired. I’m sorry for whatever it was the cost her to be lazy and unattended to your child. But at the end of the day, every single thing that happened, including the therapist overstepping… That’s all on your friend.
What on earth is a BHT?
You’re not the AH. ❤️
But your son needs more specialized care that the average friend can’t provide.
I can see both sides of the situation, my mom was a special education teacher for decades and she was a complete professional……….but she’d still lose her shit at home occasionally when we misbehaved.
Best of luck to you