I (35F) attended by brother in law’s wedding this past weekend. For some background, my husband (39M) is the elder and only brother of the groom and we have been married for 13 years. My husband’s brother, let’s call him Paul, got married in an out of state, destination wedding in “wine country” New York. It was beautiful but a long drive in the car with 4 kids, including a newborn baby. For the wedding, I got all the kids ready and dressed up by myself while also getting ready, because I assumed they would be included in family photos of the bride and groom after the ceremony as they were Paul’s only nieces and nephews.
After the church ceremony, my husband came up to me and told me I could return to the hotel with the kids and then join him at the reception, as he would be in the limo with the bridal party. I felt deflated because everyone was standing around taking pictures and the kids were not asked to be in any so I just left after an awkward half hour of being ignored.
I finally got back to the hotel and waited for my best friend to arrive as she had agreed to watch the kids so my husband and I enjoy the reception child-free. When I finally go inside the venue, ready to hit the open bar and finally unwind a little, only to see the entire side of my husband’s family taking group photos with the photographer. When his family saw me come into the room, they quickly dispersed and no one asked me to be in the photo and no one said hi to me either. My heart sank, my cheeks burned, and I felt humiliated. I turned on my heel and ran away trying to stifle my tears. I felt like no one wanted me or my kids there and I should have just stayed home.
To give some context this was a small wedding of like 45 people max. And I’ve known these people, minus the bride’s side, for 15 years. I left the reception very upset and drove back to the hotel, unsure if I was going to come back. My husband and Paul kept calling me, apologizing and asking me to return, which I did eventually after 45 minutes. My husband’s family told me I overreacted, was being dramatic and ruined the wedding and that I would be included in pictures if I returned. When I came back I still was not included in any family pictures by the way. Paul and Stephanie did ask me to take a single photo with just them once I returned but I felt like it was out of pity more than anything else.
AITAH? Should I have not let this bother me so much?
-Sad Sister-in-law
Comments
NTA – by your description they purposely ditched you and then gaslighted you into coming back to get ditched again. This is not a family you want anything to do with. Why are you married to this guy? He should be sticking up for you and left with you.
wouldn’t say you’re the asshole to anyone but yourself, why go back a third time to something/somewhere you felt unwelcomed?
YTA. You werent there and they took photos. I think you’re reading into how this happened way too much. My sister did not even get all the photos she wanted at her wedding and she was the BRIDE.
Why do I feel like BIL has some reason for excluding her? These things don’t just happen.
Your husband contributed to you be excluded. NTA
Your husband didn’t want photos with you or your kids. Stop blaming anyone else. May the blame squarely where it belongs.
NTA- honestly this is more of a “Husband problem” than an in-law one…
He should have stood up for you and your children right from the start.
NTA but why did your husband play into this?
NTA. Your husband didn’t stick up for you or the children.
there’s something going on that is more than just one day’s worth of drama.
it sounds like your husband is an asshole
I hate to say this OP, but you might want to rethink being married into this family… (if this is a common occurrence), then you’ll be better off divorcing him and finding a partner that wants you in his life. Because this family acts like your the plaque. You deserve so much better than he (or his family) will ever be! Plus your husband’s a POS for not including you. (In fact- he went along with it!)I hope you’re financially able to leave this asshole! There are a lot of good guy’s out there, that will treat you (and the kids) with respect and affection. But this chumps not one of them- he deserves nothing from you! NTA.
NTA. But this is a husband problem. Your husband should have clarified about the kids and photos beforehand. He let you leave and let them treat you like that.
Isn’t this an episode of Malcolm in the Middle?
Nta. Are you a different race than the family? You have a major husband problem.
Check your bank accounts for any large or mysterious withdrawals, transfers, payments to any businesses you don’t recognize as being normal and legit. I’m betting he’s cheating and the family didn’t want you in the pictures because they all know you won’t be family anymore soon. The kids got left out of the photos because then they’d have to have you in the photo too. …Just what my gut is saying after reading your post and it never hurts to check.
You have a husband problem. He’s allowing you to be excluded and disrespected. You no one wants you in photos because you’re still fluffy after your 4th pregnancy? Your husband left you to deal with 4 kids alone? No help?
Your husband and family are AH’s. Your husband owes you an apology. He’s needs counseling to learn how to be a decent human being and a way better partner.
It’s your husband who didn’t want you in the photos. It’s awkward for everyone because no one wants to say it. If you were being excluded in anyway, it’d be on your husband to demand you be welcomed into the family photos or he will make waves with everyone. The fact the family went along with excluding you and the kids means there is more to the story about why they don’t want you around.
Info: why didn’t your husband stand up for? Why did your husband let you be disrespected by his family? Why did he participate in your disrespect & humiliation?
NTAH – Is this the first time you realized your BIL’s family hated you? Or that your husband needs a priority adjustment?
Your husband is 100% TA. You are not.
They don’t like you for whatever reason and your husband is an AH for not standing up for you. I’m sorry.
It sounds like you don’t know something that everyone else knows. Does your husband routinely treat you so disrespectfully?
Why are you married to this man? He’s probably been gaslighting you for years. Does he or his family even like you? NTA
Your husband is the AH. WTF was his deal?
I would not have gone back
NTA. There’s far more afoot than just your being snubbed about wedding photos. Something’s going on, and your husband knows what it is. He’s just not telling you. You’re family 15 years, invited to an on the small side family wedding a long ways away, yet iced out of family photos? Only offered a pity photo when you became visibly upset? Oh hell no.
You need to sit down with him in private, ASAP, and put his feet to the fire. This ain’t right, and it’s not just about pictures. It’s about why aren’t you and your kids family any more?
NTA. You “ruined” the wedding because deep down inside, they knew that they were wrong. You should have been included. Your husband and his family are AHs and you have every right to be upset. Also, is this a one off or has his family always treated you like this? It is time to have a real sit down with your husband about his and his family’s actions.
I’m going to go out and say this is weird, but you might be reading too much into it. I put almost no thought into the pictures at my wedding. Admittedly, I think everyone was in them? Anyway, maybe it’s something, but I think you were being a bit dramatic. It wasn’t your wedding.
NTA. Go to counseling with or without him.
Brother or not, he should have left the wedding with you. Those people are awful.
My EX husband and his family pulled this stunt when my BIL got married. My ex stood up in the wedding, my kids and I were guests. My BIL had a young son that got dumped on me during the ceremony and reception. As did one of his cousins kids. I was essentially the designated babysitter for the family. I was not in a single photo with anyone in my ex’s family and was relegated to the kids table for dinner. When the dance portion of the reception started, the whole family was dancing to “We are family” (Sister Sledge) and they kept trying to get me to go on the dance floor with them but I was so disgusted by being treated like hired help all day that I simply refused. I was married to him for 20 years, divorced for 15 now and don’t regret walking away from that entire family. They were and are extremely selfish and treated me like trash for most of our marriage.
I do not understand the level of drama-hunting required to declare a function “ruined” by one person leaving early. I guess they don’t like being called out for making someone feel unwelcome. Rest assured that you didn’t ruin anything, they are just trying to make you feel bad for taking action.
“I assumed” is where you went wrong, unless it was discussed beforehand typically wedding photos are just of the wedding party and although guests consist of important family members and friends it’s unusual to prioritize getting photos with everyone. I don’t think you were in the wrong for being upset when you came back and they dispersed but running away is not the solution, it’d be better to stand your ground as a person who IS A PART OF THE FAMILY. They seem to have a lack of respect for you but have you had similar reactions to anything before? They may think they can’t talk to you about something if it’s a repeat occurrence and therefore tried to dodge a confrontation
Sorry this happened to you OP, specially soon after giving birth… Looks like you have a serious husband problem…
Your husband is not a stand up guy. He’s a tool.
YTA- instead of talking to anyone about being included in the photos you stormed off. Everything you explain as “hurtful” could be explained away without assigning malice. You are not part of the bridal party, so you will be in minimal group pictures. You were being overly dramatic, and while I can appreciate your disappointment, you dealt with it in a very immature manner. Either be direct about wanting to be in some photos, or plaster a smile on your face and just enjoy the wedding. For context, my BIL and his wife were married last summer, my husband was in the wedding party, and I was in 1 picture. Where I’m from, it is to be expected if you are not in the bridal party, you will be in very few photos.
You did not ruin the wedding. Period. They were rude. Your kids, you and your husband should have been included.
You husband does not respect, like and love you and the children. Looks like His family feels the same way. Would not surprise me if he had a side over who was at the wedding and wanted to have his side piece in the photos with him.
“I have been a part of this family for (fifteen) years. My children are literally the future of this family, and you en masse decided to treat us like dreck. My reaction was both natural and reasonable considering the level of disrespect my children and I were shown. Reflect on that before saying another word to me.”
NTA
NTA.
Your husband and his family sucks. Why would somebody that claims to love you let you and your kids be treated that poorly? And refuse to help get 4 children ready?
Sounds unreal
Is there more history here than what is being defined? I do feel terrible for you as no one should have to deal with that. Maybe AH…a little bit by not talking to them before just leaving..mostly NTA from how the story reads..
It would be the last “family” I and/or my children would ever attend. NTA
This happened in Malcolm in the Middle. Hal’s relatives drove Lois to tears. As a result, Hal finally stood up to his father and the boys ruined the big family party. They didn’t get punished for it.
NTA.
He is probably about to file for divorce and don’t want the reminder of you?
Your husband is a major arsehole.
How did he fail to notice how you were being sidelined and you and his kids excluded until you stormed out? Why hadn’t he told them to wait on the photos until you got there so you and the kids, who are PART OF THE FAMILY, could be in the photos.
What the fuck is the matter with him?
Yes this is on the bride and groom in terms of what they asked the photographer to capture but HOW was your husband either OK with all of this or so damn obtuse / spineless that he didn’t do anything about it.
You did NOT overreact.
NTA
ESH. It’s normal to not want kids at a wedding. It was rude of them to not include you in photos, but emotional regulation in social situations would be appropriate here. Plus you’re not in the bridal party so it’s not traditional for you to be in the photos and you aren’t blood fam to either bride or groom. If it was my wedding I also wouldn’t do those pictures with someone’s partner. You could have simply walked out and then cried in private.
You should definitely rethink relationship with your husband and where you stand though. He should have followed you and talked to you immediately to clear the air. Agree with other comment to check his credit cards… it’s very odd behavior to not follow your wife.
NTA
Not in the least, I’m sorry you got treated like that by his family and your husband of all people. Why even invite you and the 4 kids to be treated as such?
You deserve so much better than this.
I had the same a similar problem when my stepsister got married in Lake Tahoe. My wife and I had are newborn daughter just 1 thou. It was 6 hour drive to the wedding I kept telling dad that it was to hard and expensive for us to be there. It was also a hard pregnancy. We were not invited to the reception dinner after the wedding or to be in any of the photos. But 2 years prior when I got married they were in the photos and at the reception and I payed for my own wedding. But in her case my dad payed and he was not happy
NTA.
When I got married we did photos with all family members and we did a ton of photos with our nephews and niece and they are precious.
Your husband is the #1 asshole, followed closely by his brother and the bride, and then the rest of the family.
NTA, I hope you stop interacting with that entire side of the family starting with your own husband who allowed this behavior. This was an intentional insult, there is now way it wasn’t planned. It is clear by the lack of standing up for you and your children that your husband doesn’t even love or respect his own kids.
Based on the fact that you had to get 4 kids ready on your own, he is a shitty father who does nothing to raise his kids other than provide financial support. He could do that while single, so why do you stay with such a man? He clearly doesn’t give a shit what you think.
Just curious. Can u give some context w how ur dynamic w his family normally is. Still they are AHs but wondering if this was out of left field or are they not warm or inclusive w u normally?
YOU ABSOLUTELY SHOULD NOT HAVE RETURNED TO THE RECEPTION A SECOND TIME. In the future avoid all “family events” with these rude people. You have the perfect excuse to stay home- Four small children. Toddlers are so active and easily bored, if Uncle and new Aunt , and grandparents want to spend tome with the kiddies they can wait for an invitation from you to your home to visit!
They asked you to come back to the reception just to tell you you ruined the reception??? Your husband is the problem. He not only is letting the family do this to you, but he isn’t sticking up for you either. I would be extremely hurt if I was the only one being excluded from family photos after knowing the family for over a decade! I’m sorry but you need to have a long chat with your husband.