My GF (33F), Jan, fake name, and myself (39M) have been together right around 6 months. Jan loves bumblebees. She has a bumblebee tattooed on her forearm pretty prominently, which she receives many compliments on. She loves pinning insects and making shadow boxes, mostly based around bumblebees. She has a lot of decorative paintings of bumblebees around her apartment. She was even super excited to get one of the Minecraft bee toys that came in the Happy Meals a few months back.
She’s told me that her love of bumblebees comes from when she was a child, she would sit on her parents front porch and loved watching the bumblebees flying all around her, and would just sit out there watching them for a long time. Until one day she saw that they had been killed or run off by wasps and it made her really sad.
Well this past weekend we were at Jan’s parents house and were sitting on the front porch, and she mentioned the story again, except this time she pointed to a wooden sign hanging from the eaves with holes bored into the back of it, and added that was where the bees lived before the wasps moved in. It was at this moment I informed her that those weren’t bumblebees, but carpenter bees. She got very confused and said “no, carpenter bees are all black”, at which point I informed her that no, some have yellow on them, as all the ones that burrow into the columns of my back porch look just like bumblebees from a little distance, and that honestly the only way I even would know the difference is because only carpenter bees burrow into wood. She started sort of laughing/crying at this point because her entire worldview had been shattered. She had built her entire love of bumblebees and a large part of her personality around this misconception. Got a tattoo of a bumblebee, pinning bumblebees, etc. She also says she feels like an idiot because she’s told that story to people for years and said she almost always includes the part about the sign and no one has ever corrected her in all these years. She’s even started to look closer at some of the shadow boxes she’s made or purchased and realized the bees inside are, in fact, carpenter bees. Tik Tok is even recommending videos about spotting the difference between carpenter bees and bumblebees.
Now I feel terrible for absentmindedly correcting her on the type of bee, and basically crushing her whole world. I’ve told her that her love and memories haven’t changed, just the name, and that most people aren’t going to know any different anyway unless you tell them that the bee tattoo isn’t the same kind of bee that you grew up loving. I mean, I didn’t even notice the inconsistency until I was sitting there and was looking at the sign, in person, with the burrow holes. But this doesn’t give her much comfort. So, AITAH for basically crushing my GFs childhood memories and making her rethink her entire life and personality to a degree?
Comments
NTA. Of course
Absentmindedly? Sure. What a stuck up know it all you are.
NTA, now she has an even more interesting story to tell around
NTA
Oh NTA. Bumblebees are pretty amazing too ☺️
NAH
NTA, I adore carpenter bees and their big furry butts
I thought this was going to end in them being hoverflies
Wait until she finds out Minecraft bees are honeybees
No you are not the AH if it wasn’t intentional.
I just learned about carpenter bees last year! They’re really sweet, gentle… basically all the things we associate with bumble bees, just with less brand awareness. I think it’s kinda like I thought “pine tree” was a casual term for evergreens/conifers. Then I learned that actually, a blue spruce was not a kind of pine tree. My appreciate didn’t change, just my terminology.
Same for her: You need to help her reframe this that she loves bees, especially the gentle ones. Her favorites, which she used to call bumble bees, are technically carpenter bees. No big deal.
The truth hurts but sometimes it’s necessary 😂
Most people don’t know the difference and clearly her parents didn’t because they were the obvious ones who could’ve corrected her years ago. NTA because knowing one thing from another is pretty basic stuff and I’m glad she isn’t upset at you just at the entire situation. As another commenter said, now she can add another chapter to the story!
I don’t really see why this would crush her. She can love both bumblebees and carpenter bees, and I’m sure both were flying around her yard as a kid. The story about the sign should just be like “oh cool those were carpenter bees,” that’s interesting, not a devastating thing to learn.
I think she might have been more upset that you knew more about bees than her in that small instance when she sees herself as the expert. It can hurt people when somebody knows more about their special interest than they do. Makes people feel like an imposter.
She loves bees. Period Nothing has changed but the terminology.
I used to have a carpenter bee who lived in a window sill outside (rented apartment so didn’t really bother me and it was just one). His name was Gary 😂
NTA, and I don’t even think you ruined her worldview. Instead of saying bumblebee or carpenter bee just say bee. And bumblebees are the bomb.
Her fond memories of bees are still there and she was young so I wouldn’t have expected her to be able to tell the difference. I don’t think its a big deal she can just say she loves all types of bees. Maybe add to her tattoo with a carpenter bee or something too. NTA It seems like something she should be able to laugh off and move past pretty quick
This is silly. If she is this fragile are you sure you want this in a partner? Who cares about the species? Bees are great. She doesn’t need to have her “whole worldview shattered” over it. She can just say she loves bees. 🤷♀️
NTA, it was bound to happen, but you have to be really nice to her about it
OP, don’t tell her about honeybees.
I mean YTA obviously, your need to be correct trumps your girlfriend’s feelings?
Not sure if you know this but bumblebees can and will use carpenter bee holes for protection. So they actually could of been bumble bees…
If you’d gone out of your way to correct her with the intent of ruining for her, sure, you’d be ta… but you didnt do that, so NTA.
It must be pretty nuts thinking you loved something your whole life just to find out you didn’t know something as simple as their correct name, but bees are bees. They’re all adorable and loveable.
NTA
wait until she learns about the roughly 245 other bumblebee species.
I always call them flying guinea pigs because they are so fluffy and bumbling along in my kind of speed.
She would have eventually found out, the fact that you told her is actually a sign that you two share a close bond.
She will get over it.
Wu Tang killer bees on the swarm.
This woman is in her 30’s!? So what if it wasn’t what she thought it was, what mattered is what it meant to her. It still inspired her love of bee’s.
Also basing like your entire being around it is kind of concerning. Those are the people who are just setting themselves up to fall apart.
You invalidated her entire childhood on a technicality without meaning to.
Reassure her that it is in fact a technicality with no meaningful distinction. Also learn this lesson for yourself. There was no reason to make this distinction to her. It should not impact her emotional well-being but you felt it was so important to be technically right that you pointed it out which is s*****.
Make sure she knows that that specifically is your bad. The technicality does not change the inherent connection she has.
It’s going to take her time to heal from this because you just accidentally struck at the core of her childhood. And she may ultimately never view you the same and she may not realize that right now.
If you want a chance with her in the long run start mitigating the damage you did to her psyche right now
But ultimately NTA.
She could just realize she loves bees in general
LMAOO
This story highlights a bigger issue–you’re a “realist” and your gf is a dreamer. I’m a dreamer, married to a realist. It’s not very fun having your imagination and dreams smooshed all the time for some real world facts. Sure, I want to know facts, but not all day every day. Let her dream, tell your real facts to your other realist friends.
If her entire worldview was bumblebees, she is INCREDIBLY narrow minded.
What’s pinning?
I have no idea what kind of bees they were but my hometown had a festival where one vendor tied little strings to bees and kids could walk around with a pet bee. Thought it was cute at the time but now I think it’s wild lol
🐝 love it. NTA, of course. I doubt she thinks you were.
I mean whats the difference if its bumble bees or carpenter bees? She can say she just loves bees