I’ll try to keep it brief … Daughter(7), Dad(we were together 10, married 7, divorced 2), step-mum(in daughters life approx. 18m/2y, runs a beauty shop, piercing/nails/hair).
Ever since my daughter has understood what piercings are and the pain associated with having them pierced, she hasn’t wanted to get them done. Even after explaining that it only hurts for a little while and then you’re good, still she says no.
Dad calls me tonight and says she’s asked twice this week to get them done. I say let’s wait a little longer cause she’s always said she doesn’t want them. I’m sus about her sudden interest.
30 minutes later, daughter facetimes me and whines for me to say yes to her getting them done tonight. I say I’d love to be there and as she’s there at dads I think she should wait. We end the call.
Step-mum calls me off Dad’s phone. I’m honest with her. ‘I’m not against her getting them done, I am against you piercing her ears. That’s a big event in a little girls life and i’d like to experience that with her. You’ve obviously shown her that you have the equipment to do it tonight so it is a possibility to her now, but I think putting the responsibility on me to say no makes me look like the bad guy. I feel like I’m missing out on all her cute little girl things with her mum because you cut her hair for the first time, and now you want to pierce her ears … “
Step-mum said she can’t have kids so Daughter is the next best thing. I told her I’m not trying to push her out but she is my daughter, I’m happy to go to any reputable recommendations she has to get them pierced and we can all go with her, but no for right now.
Step-mum ended the call by saying she’s just going to take a major step back from parenting and I can just go through Dad from now on.
I’m just left feeling like I’m the bad guy now because I’m not saying no to her getting them done, I’m just uncomfortable with Step-mum doing it.
Comments
NTA Nice shiny spine. It’s a win if she backs off. She needs to stay in her lane.
No NTA that’s a big decision I’d want my kid to sleep on either way and you’re right in the compromise that you offered.
NTA.
It’s reasonable for you wanting to be there.
Also: If she has a “everything” salon, make sure she doesn’t use a piercing gun !! Go to a real piercer, needles cause way less damage than a gun.
NTA – your daughter, you have a say in what happens. Surely, step mum could just set up an appointment at her salon, and the 3 of you experience this together.
10 is quite young for ear piercing. Your daughter could be coming under pressure to get them done now.
Make note, this won’t be the last time she will try and take over your daughter, she is starting the alienation now, time to really show who is the mum and who isn’t
I think that gettting you eara pierced is not such a big deal you are making of it (or making of missing it) but at the same time I would not be comfortable with the way the stepmum communicates with you. So NTA.
NTA. Very weird that this change of heart has happened now. With you not physically present.
Let’s make a comparison: say you had a 57 year old adult who had been offered the opportunity to invest 1/4 of their savings in a new business venture. They have an email chain explaining that they have turned down this chance 5 times in 5 weeks. They have explained their reasons. One of the most senior reps has committed to email that they should now leave this and that it would be improper to make further requests. After weeks of harassment, they finally sign to transfer the money at the request of a more junior rep… If that person complained to the regulator there would be an investigation that would probably find in their favour and fine the company. At the very least it would be regarded as unfair business practice.
The example above is about the rights of an autonomous adult to not be pressured, and about safeguarding money. This is about preventing a child from being pushed into physically changing her body and putting holes in it. If this is a sudden change of heart after a long time rejecting this, she needs a significant period of time to reflect on if she truly wants this. And she needs her mother (the parent who has not pressured her) present.
If in the future she does definitely want it done, I would recommend allowing step mom to do it BUT only with you present and during your custody time so you go home with her. And being sure (without step mom or dad present) that she definitely wants to do this. Not letting step mom do it (if you are also there) may look petty and allow them to paint your objections as vindictive which they are not, they are valid.
Nta. Shes your daughter not hers. Tough luck on the stepmother
Step-mum can’t have kids, so she wants to take your place. Hell no. Set boundaries and stick to them!
Nah, NTA. Your stance is very reasonable and you explained it respectfully. You’re not even trying to exclude the step-mom, you just want to be there. I guess step-mom wants to feel special in your daughter’s life and given that she can’t have kids, I can sympathize but that sounds like something she needs to work on by herself.
She is your daughter, not hers. The stepmother is like one of those members of parliament who can sit in and participate in debates, give their views etc, but when it comes time for a vote, they don’t get one. Nta.
NTA at all.
They manipulated your daughter into wanting it done. I’d consider them on thin ice and if anything like this comes up again then I’d put some distance between them and your daughter.
NAH You used your words, and were clear and honest. And when step mom realised she overstepped, she backed off. It sounds like a happy ending to me.
NTA . Your daughter your rules .
If she wants to back off that her decision.
Nta. And step mom needs to get back in her damn place. Make sure you document all of this
NTA
If you decide in the future to get her ears pierced. Take her to a place that does body piercing/tattoos. Took my daughter to one when she wanted hers at 6, healed up perfectly, no infection.
NTA You offered a perfectly reasonable compromise. Tough luck on stepmother if she issues around it.
NTA and the response to step-mum getting back in her damn lane is “Good.” All the parenting conversations and decisions should be between the child’s actual parents.
That’s what you should be doing anyway. You should be going through dad. You co parent with him not her. She got the child her first hair cut? What else will she be doing? You are her mother. You did the right thing. This lady can have her own kids. She clearly said she didn’t have a child so yours is it.
When she says she’ll step back, you say, thank you- i appreciate that.
When your ex brings it up again, I would be saying that if she proceeds to do anything further to your daughter that detracts your role as a mother, you will be forced to discuss this parental alienation attitude with a legal representative.
YTA – yes I’m going against the grain.
Why would you not let her do your daughters ears? She is a known professional and its not like you couldn’t have been there? If her or Dad said you couldn’t then that would be a different story. I find it hard to believe that you would want a stranger to do this and not someone who is known to you and you can go back to if something goes wrong?
Your daughter spends time with this woman and is growing up. Of course she is more likely now to want to look nice, have pierced ears, start wearing a little makeup purely as I would imagine she sees her step mum, the beautician (if only for aesthetics) doing and talking about this on a daily basis. This woman could have helped and will be helping in the future whether you want her to or not just purely because she will be in your daughters life. You have just raised a huge wall over something as petty as wanting to be there whilst she got her ears pierced?
To all the responders who said – ‘great mum put her back in her lane’ or other comments along those lines – if she was the step mum writing this you would be all over her for pulling back from the child and berating her for not stepping up and helping support her spouses child (exactly like this one is doing). Rather than tow the party line – think about what you would do or what you want to be done for your child?
I write this with love as a Mum and a Step Mum. Its hard to find the balance, but you will always be her Mum and the real (and important) steps your daughter will be taking will always be with you.
NTA This woman is waaaaay overstepping. You literally said “i just want all of us to be there” and she pitched a little baby hissy fit. You sound like a very reasonable person and she is not. Also, did she have permission to cut your daughter’s hair for her first ever hair cut? Were you allowed to be there? Because I would have gone postal and filed assault charges against her.
‘I can’t have kids so your daughter is the next best thing’ …. MY daughter is nobodies ‘next best thing’. Would have been my response.
I appreciate that it may be hard for her because she is going to miss out on firsts with children given that she has none but that doesn’t mean she gets to take yours. Your daughter is not her daughter, she is a stepmom, your daughter has an involved mum already.
Stepmom waaaaaaaay overstepped here. She shouldn’t even have phoned you to be honest. You’d already said no.
You did the right thing. You deserve to be there and you can opt not to allow the gf to do the piercing.
Also just because she can’t have kids doesn’t mean you need to give up your rights to mother your child.
Take a major step back from parenting? Good. That girl already has a caring mother very present in her life
I wouldn’t say you are the AH but I also wouldn’t say you aren’t.
I think you reasonably said “No” because you wanted to talk to your daughter about it first. I think you were unreasonable in not having stepmom do it once you had talked to your daughter and determined she did indeed want it. Why go to a stranger when this is what step mom does for a living since she obviously loves your daughter?
They didnt just go ahead and do it, which as the father he could have, just like you could at any time. There are worse things than having a step parent loving your child and wanting to be involved.
Unless there are other situations in which the step mom herself overstepped in a big way, I think this is a dumb hill to die on.
I agree you should be offered the opportunity to talk to your daughter and make it a planned event, but not to exclude step mom from the process. I say this with respect as a mom (not a step mom) who has kids who have a step mom and while their step mom and I do not see eye to eye on many things, I also know she loves my kids and is doing her best. And although I don’t get along with her very well, I appreciate that about her.
Edit to add- I don’t mean getting it done that night, but rather set a time when you can all be present.
She’s going to take a big step back from parenting? Good, it wasn’t her place anyway.
A body modification like piercing is a parents decision, not a step mum happens to have all the gear and has really hyped it up to a 7yo so she can be “cool”. Bet it’s a piercing gun and those are evil.
“I feel like I’m missing out on all her cute little girl things with her mum because you cut her hair for the first time, and now you want to pierce her ears … “
So, she cut your daughter’s hair for the first time… no!… without you there??? Hell no!
Harden that beautiful shiny spine of yours (good job for saying no) and really make sure that entitled bitch stays in her lane, because it’s not about her piercing your daughter’s ears. It’s about her running over you.