I (26F) am the oldest of five siblings. My sisters are 13 and 22, and my brothers are 17 and 14. My 22 year-old sister is special needs and functions at about the level of a 10-year-old. She often struggles with emotional regulation and can have tantrums or act out in ways that are exhausting and disruptive.
Because of her condition, the rest of us are always expected to “be the bigger person,” which I understand, she has limitations that we don’t. But it does get tiring, especially since our parents rarely correct her behavior, even when they would absolutely call us out for the same things.
We all got together recently for my mom’s birthday, and at some point, the conversation turned to how difficult parenting is especially, when raising a child with special needs. Someone made a comment about how I’d understand when I have kids of my own, and I responded that I probably won’t, since I already helped raise the four siblings who came after me and (I didn’t say this part out loud) because I don’t think I want to parent a special needs child.
Then I said something that really set my parents off. I mentioned that people who want to have kids should seriously consider whether they’d be equipped to handle raising a special needs child, because it’s a possibility. That’s one of the reasons I’m hesitant about becoming a parent, I’ve already experienced how hard it can be.
My parents were furious. They acted like I said the most offensive thing imaginable. They told me that “no one thinks like that” and that people have kids because they want a family, not because they’re weighing the risks of what might happen. But I honestly believe being realistic and prepared is part of responsible parenting. Also none of this was said in front of any of my siblings, it was a convo between my parents, grandparent and aunt and uncle. Everybody sided with my parents.
So, AITA for saying that people should think about whether they’re ready to raise a special needs child before deciding to become parents?
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Original copy of post’s text by /u/NeighborhoodDull4057: I (26F) am the oldest of five siblings. My sisters are 13 and 22, and my brothers are 17 and 14. My 22 year-old sister is special needs and functions at about the level of a 10-year-old. She often struggles with emotional regulation and can have tantrums or act out in ways that are exhausting and disruptive.
Because of her condition, the rest of us are always expected to “be the bigger person,” which I understand, she has limitations that we don’t. But it does get tiring, especially since our parents rarely correct her behavior, even when they would absolutely call us out for the same things.
We all got together recently for my mom’s birthday, and at some point, the conversation turned to how difficult parenting is especially, when raising a child with special needs. Someone made a comment about how I’d understand when I have kids of my own, and I responded that I probably won’t, since I already helped raise the four siblings who came after me and (I didn’t say this part out loud) because I don’t think I want to parent a special needs child.
Then I said something that really set my parents off. I mentioned that people who want to have kids should seriously consider whether they’d be equipped to handle raising a special needs child, because it’s a possibility. That’s one of the reasons I’m hesitant about becoming a parent, I’ve already experienced how hard it can be.
My parents were furious. They acted like I said the most offensive thing imaginable. They told me that “no one thinks like that” and that people have kids because they want a family, not because they’re weighing the risks of what might happen. But I honestly believe being realistic and prepared is part of responsible parenting. Also none of this was said in front of any of my siblings, it was a convo between my parents, grandparent and aunt and uncle. Everybody sided with my parents.
So, AITA for saying that people should think about whether they’re ready to raise a special needs child before deciding to become parents?
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I agree with you, people need to consider the possibility of having a child with some type of disability and how they would manage before having children. NTA
I think once there is a special needs child there shouldn’t be more. As y I u pointed out you had to step up when you shouldn’t have. The fact they had more kids after the fact if it were know was selfish of them. Keep your boundaries for your own sanity but do not think that you don’t want kids cos of your upbringing you may have a couple full healthy kids. But the choice you 100% yours alone. There is never right or wrong for wanting kids or not.
NTA, at all, you were being reallistic and responsible, because yes, it’s a posibility everyone should consider before having kids. Your family is just from the old generation where they are used to just have kids for “being the next step” without thinking of the consequences and then dump their problems onto their kids, parentifying them, like they did with you.
NTA, it’s true what you have said, and you voiced your opinion on why you dont want kids. Kids are stressful enough to raise, but adding in special needs is some major stress people really can’t handle. They can’t be mad if this is how you feel. They are just mad that it directly attacks them as parents.
Yes.
This.
We had one and I was so NOT equipped
NTAH disability can happen at any time, and screening isn’t perfect.
NTA and you have a selfish family/ parents
NTA. Not remotely.
NTA you’re right. People tend to only talk about the good but look at the regretful parent sub. A lot of people wish they had considered that.
NTA! I think people should be more prepared for the realities of raising children and special needs is one of them. It can break couples apart. My uncle and his wife had premature twins and ironically, the stronger of the two was deprived of oxygen while in the NICU. He ended up a vegetable, and the other baby grew up normally. By the time they were 10, their parents had nothing left for each other and got divorced. I am certain the divorce would not have occurred if the staff would have provided oxygen to him in time. The comment may have uttered in an insensitive manner but keeping it real often offends out sensibilities.
NTA
It is absolutely something to consider because it can and does happen.
People with genetics that greatly increase the chances should be especially thoughtful before conceiving.
I’ve seen plenty of parents who don’t even consider the potential needs of a perfectly ordinary child. NTA
Why take the risk of loving anything or anyone? They could get sick or be in a horrible accident, and you’ll be saddled with the responsibility and expense of caring for them.
NTA
In a sense, all babies are special needs because they are so completely dependent on others and have no ability to regulate their behavior at all at the beginning. If someone isn’t mature enough to behave rationally with other adults, they are not going to be able to handle a newborn.
NTA. No, not everyone thinks that, but someone who was raised in that environment absolutely would think about that.
You’ve got wisdom your parents didn’t have.
NTA. People need to consider whether or not they are prepared to be a parent to anything outside of the one or two possibilities that they are seriously considering in their head. For some people it is literally as basic as they aren’t prepared to raise a daughter, not being prepared to raise a special needs child is another one, and I wouldn’t be the first person to say that if you aren’t prepared to parent to queer kid you’re not prepared to parent. Hell, at least what you said doesn’t assume that people’s social politics are going to affect the way they treat their children like my first and last examples
Yes, because it takes away the hope. You are right, of course, but let young people keep their hope
NTA- it’s why I struggle to want kids. Older generations just had kids and didn’t worry about the health risks of pregnancy, childbirth, and if children will require special needs.
NTA. It’s absolutely a possibility that needs to be considered but never is. And not just conditions a child could be born with. Accidents and disease can also make a child special needs.
Nta. I have 2 kids. I was a SPED teacher. I fully had these conversations before the kids came