7 years ago my sister got married to one of my best and closest friends, he was a genuine good guy and I was happy for my sister for being with such a good man.
Two years ago he caught her cheating with a different man in their bed, it absolutely destroyed him and she came at him hard in the divorce, I was disgusted by her and by my entire family for supporting her, she ended up taking the house and most of his money and she moved in her affair partner before the divorce was even finalised, I helped him out and even let him stay with me and my wife for a couple of months to rest and to save some money before going straight into renting after basically being robbed.
I told him in no way I’m with my sister and family and he said he knows and that he still loves me like a brother, that absolutely angered my entire family and they all cut me off.
Now many months later they’re back because apparently my sister is getting married to her affair partner and they want me back but first I have to apologise to her partner and my family for siding with my brother in law, I laughed in their face and turned them down.
Now they’re all back and they would not let this go, they’re really big on public image and them having a wedding without me there would be a disgrace, like my sister marrying her affair partner who she cheated with on her husband isn’t disgraceful enough. I want nothing to do with them or this wedding.
My wife says I should just pretend to forgive them and go to this wedding because our kids would be sad to miss out and that they can’t be away from their grandparents forever, I disagree and I think they don’t need disgusting people like that in their lives but she just would not drop this.
What should I do here?
Comments
You do what YOU think is best. They were quick to turn you into a bad guy and abandon you when you stood up for your friend who was cheated on by your sister. If you still feel that way, go with your gut. Family does not surpass morality
I mean, apart from not really believing a word of this, you are NTA and should stick to your guns.
NTA. First tell your wife to STFU!!! Whom you wish to associate yourself and your family with is up to you. If public image is really big to your family, why wasn’t it scandalous when she was caught cheating. Didn’t that destroy the public image?
Nah NTA you’re fine. I mean the kids missing their grandparents are gonna suck but you can tell them why in a kind way that the kids’ grandparents and aunt hurt Uncle what’shisname and that they’re expecting you to apologize for NOT being happy with your sister and her new marriage at Uncles expense. This will be a lesson to them that just because they’re family doesn’t mean each other’s actions don’t have consequences.
She wants you to apologize to her AP? yeah, that’s a no.
Or do what your wife says, make peace, go to the wedding, then nuke them for being cheaters. “I didn’t really want to come to this wedding because they’re cheaters, but… family, right?”
Stay NC with them
NTA and I agree with you. You are responsible for your children and should be careful with the kind of people you allow to be close to them, especially in their formative years. They don’t need hypocritical people, people who take advantage of others, people who are dishonest and condone disrespect. Their values and morals don’t align with what you want to teach your children so why should they be exposed to that? Also why would they be sad to miss out on something they don’t know is going to happen? And say they’d find out from extended family, you prepare them and explain in a way that is appropriate for their ages, your aunt, your grandparents, such and such of the family they were very dishonest and behaved very badly to your uncle X, they lied to him and did things that were not nice at all, and they don’t see those things as bad so mom and dad have decided that unless they change their behavior, we don’t want to be around people who lie and behave badly to other people to hurt them.
At the end of the day you need to be in the same page with your wife and have a conversation about what values you want around your children and what examples do you want them exposed to. Talk to her that this goes beyond what they did to your friend, this is about the example they could set and the influence they could have on your children. Would she be OK if her kids behaved the same way? Try and get her to see from the angle of what influences you want closely around your children. Sure you can’t control the big outside world but you can control the people you allow within your inner circle and around your kids while they’re young and vulnerable.
Just tell them you don’t support things that are not going to last.
EDIT to add: NTA
If your parents are generally well-mannered in day-to-day activities and can be trusted not to discuss the issue with and around your children, you could let your children spend time with them. Maybe overnights like 2 hrs in evening and 2-3 hrs in the AM. A 4-hr wedding should be ok too.
Their cousin-relationships (your nieces and nephews, if any) should not be stopped either.
It sucks when people cheat and it’s hard when they go on to marry their AP.
Your friend didn’t need to acquiesce to all of the things your sister asked for. He is also partly in charge of settling/signing the divorce agreement.
I would not say you have to go to the wedding, nor do your children. However if your wife wants to go or you want to send your kids with a grandparent, IMHO: that’s not giving up your no- to low- contact approach.
NTA….I am sorry, but your wife is crazy. Why would she want her children to be exposed to the example your family is setting? Yes, some children can be away from their grandparents forever. Some grandparents do not deserve the grandchildren they have.
Why does your wife want your children to know these grandparents? Are her parents not alive?
Just because you are related to someone by blood does not mean that they are family that you have to be around or have in your lives.
I applaud you for standing by your friend. And I think it is more that your family wants for you to be at this wedding. Do you think they want your financial help? And really, the gall that you have to apologize to anyone for someone else’s behavior.
NTA your entire family is including your wife are though. She can take the kids if she wants to go so bad. Stand your ground!!! Tell your family only if she apologizes for being the town trolip first.
Bring him as your plus one to the wedding. Get even more messier. And just two bros have a good time.
Absolutely not, and don’t teach your children to give in to emotional blackmail by AH.
Your wife needs to butt out.
She should be thrilled she got the one person with integrity in your non-nuclear family.
NTA. Your wife isn’t letting this go because of something? Either she’s speaking with them privately and they are pressuring her. OR deep down she’s team SIL. You should prob look more into that.
Tell her to grow up they are better off without toxic people in their lives
NTA – The only reason you could possibly have for going to the wedding would be to “toast” the woman who cheated on your friend and her affair partner.
they don’t need disgusting people like that in their lives
Absolutely correct. Stay away from these nuclear waste level toxic people. They truly are disgusting and you don’t want their immoral ways to influence your children.
NTA. There is no excuse for your sister’s behavior.
You do you and don’t worry about the wedding.
You know who your true family is by actions. The family that raised you are not healthy people. That being said, I’d tell to F off a0nd block. They didn’t try to heal the relationship until it caused them issues. Good luck my friend.
Since you don’t support her new marriage. Don’t go. Tell her you will catch her at the next one.
Tell you wife
“Stay in your own lane. You manage your family, I’ll manage mine”
Also it’s gross that your wife wants your kids around people with loose morals…does she not realize that?
NTA
Cool fake story
You have absolutely nothing to apologize for.
NTA
Tell your wife to grow a freaking spine.
Tell everyone else to fuck off.
No, your wife is wrong and the rest of them can go kick rocks. You don’t “pretend” to forgive (CONDONE) this kind of thing, and under ZERO circumstances will you be apologizing to your sister’s flavor of the week! That is not the message I would be teaching MY kids.
They are big on public image, but your sister is marrying her side piece? Do they even listen to themselves??
Instead of apologizing to her fiancé, wish him luck, because he’s going to need it, and tell your sister you’ll go to her next wedding!
If all they’re worried about is public image, make a preemptive strike. Find a public forum, maybe social media, and write out a quick message explaining why you won’t be attending this wedding. Shame them publicly. Make a big deal out of it. There’s no pretending they’re not terrible people with that out there.
Granted, this will burn a lot of bridges, but you already seem to be at that point. I’d clear it with the wife first, at least. These types of people don’t seem to have the morals to be good influences for your children anyway. I vote for scorched earth. NTA
She got her ex’s house and the ex got you.
NTA. Your sister cheated and wants you to apologize for being a decent person? Tell her thanks, but not happening.
Say yes to the invite, then during a toast say “i want to thank the person who made all of this possible, my best friend and sister’s husband, up until she cheated on him at least. Without him marrying my sister I wouldnt have realized the kind of people my family are. Congrats on marrying your homewrecker sis, I’m sure he’ll be loyal always; cheers. 🥂”
Don’t listen to your wife. Do you really want your kids hanging around people who treat others so horribly? Your wife should be on your side and supporting you. Your family don’t deserve the company of your children. If your wife wants to go, let her, but tell her she’s not taking the kids with you. You have a say in this marriage. Tell her if the roles were reversed, how would she feel?
I would not care if my kids never got to see GP like these people and I think your wife is wrong! NTA
I think going will set such a bad example to your kids that being unfaithful and hurting people is ok as long as they are family. I think you would be better off teaching your kids to stand up to people when they are wrong. Imagine if this is a core memory for them “oh dad forgave his sister for cheating and hurting an innocent man, so if I cheat on my spouse it’s ok because my family will side with me anyways” I say stick to your morals and don’t go, you don’t owe them anything. Your sister has some audacity to have taken this man’s money and house after cheating on him
Nope. NTA, and I would NOT want my kids around people so willing to ignore absolute garbage behavior. She cheated on her husband. If my kid did that, NO MATTER the reason, I would tell them that they were wrong to do that. It wouldn’t necessarily make me not speak to them, but I would be upset at their behavior.
Go to the wedding and object to it on the grounds of him being her affair parnter
Stop punishing somebody for something they didn’t do to you personally. You can smile keep your distance without breaking the family up. This is your sister’s problem not yours. NTA though.
NTA. Now go to the wedding and make a wonderful speech about her hopefully finding love with her affair partner but you’re not holding your breath because once a cheater always a cheater.
NTA. Why should YOU, whose friend your sister married and cheated on, apologise? First off, your sister is entirely in the wrong, if she was unhappy, she could’ve just left. Second off, you owe her nothing after she treated one of your closest friends with such disregard.
Personally, I’d be petty and attend, just to say in a speech that the person she’s marrying is the man she cheated on her ex-husband with, before she took almost everything he had in the divorce. I’d even warn the affair partner that he might be her next victim. Then, I’d leave.
All jokes aside, you owe her, her AP, and your family nothing. They can all cry about their ruined perfect family image for all you care. At least you know the truth, your sister is entirely to blame.
No! Stay true to yourself! WTF IS WRONG WITH YOUR WIFE
Ask your wife what benefits your children receive from being around lying, cheating Aholes? What traits will they learn, what good will they learn from people who have no problem with family being cheating ho-bags. Is this really what you want your children to see, hear, and learn is acceptable? Stand your ground and support your friend
NTA. Your family are terrible people and your wife is wrong. Your kids don’t need to be around such morally corrupt people. Just block them and if they keep harassing you, then threaten to expose everything publicly if they don’t leave you alone.
Sorry but your wife is an idiot. Do not let her talk you into anything. Don’t go. Your family is disgusting. 🤮
You are your children’s teacher. Ask your wife what she would like you to teach your children. To act with integrity or compromise your integrity and placate?
No Freaking Way!!! Why would your kids benefit by spending time with people like your parents or your sister??? Those people’s moral compass is off and I wouldn’t want my kids spending any time with any of them!!
Tell sis and your parents that IF you go, you WILL be giving a speech.. and as thsy can probably guess what that will contain, are they really sure they want you to attend???
OP… i dont think your wife is rught, but ultimately you need to decide for yourself… consider this:
the pressure to have you attend is NOT because they miss you, its because of image.. and because you, by attending, will be giving your stamp of approval on the marriage and the affair.
NTA. You supporting your friend instead of your sister who was clearly in the wrong is admirable.
Take your kids & go on a short stay/vacation and make that weekend your own. If your wife wants to go to the wedding, that’s her decision.
Good for you for standing up for your friend. Screw your family and all they represent, especially your sister. You do not owe them an apology for anything. Your sister’s behavior was reprehensible. I wouldn’t go to the wedding.
You want your kids to have good morals or not? Ask your wife that. NTA.
Do NOT go!!! Your parents, sister, and other relatives chose to cut you and your kids off. Your kids are better off without them in their lives. They are enablers. They sided with a cheater and a thief.
Block them all on your phone and social media. Your wife needs to do the same. You need to sit down with her and ask her why she thinks your kids should be around awful people. Blood relatives mean nothing if they can so easily stop talking to you and your kids. Hopefully she won’t let them see your kids behind your back.
Nope hold the line. Your wife is no better than your sister. She is saying cheating is acceptable by wanting to go.