I don’t even know where to start. My stomach’s still in knots. So last weekend, we were at my husband’s cousin’s BBQ. It was chill at first. I tried to keep to myself, just helping in the kitchen, small talk, that kind of thing. Then she showed up. His mom. She’s always had this weird thing about me. Like she’s nice on the surface but lowkey says the most insulting crap with a smile on her face. Thinks she’s slick. Anyway, she pulls me aside while I’m setting out plates and goes, “So… have your family always been like that?” And I’m like, what do you mean? And she goes, “Oh, you know. Loud. All over the place. Like they didn’t grow up with… proper structure.” And then she laughs. I laughed too. Out of shock. Because what? Is she calling my family animals? I didn’t even know how to respond. But I didn’t want a scene, so I just walked away. Later, while everyone was eating, she made this “joke” about how “certain families breed recklessness,” and she looked right at me while saying it. Some people even laughed. Like it was funny. Like she wasn’t basically trashing my parents, my siblings, my roots. I tried to let it go. I did. But when I got home, I just… lost it. I told my husband everything. I was shaking. Crying. I said I didn’t care if she was his mom, I wanted him to talk to her. Set boundaries. He got quiet. Then he said, “She’s just old school. Don’t take it personal.”
Excuse me? He said I was being too sensitive. That I read too much into it. That I always overreact when it comes to his mom. And I just snapped. I said, “No, you just don’t react at all. You let her say whatever the hell she wants about me, and now about my family too?” We haven’t talked much since. He’s been sleeping on the couch. I keep thinking maybe I did overreact. But like… would you let someone talk like that about your family and just eat your damn potato salad like nothing happened? I don’t even want to be around her anymore. But I know cutting her off will just make things worse with my husband. I feel stuck. So I need to ask… AITA?
Comments
I would have divorce him a long time ago if I have that kind of MIL! You don’t overreact your husband and his mom are the AH here! Tell her whatever the fuck you want and if your husband defends his mother leave him.
You’re not being oversensitive. Your feelings are valid. And you showed maturity by not making a scene at the BBQ.
Instead of validating your feelings and having your back, your husband is enabling his mom’s toxic behavior.
I recommend couples counseling.
NTA. She straight up insulted you & your family. If he can’t stand beside you in this, he can be left behind with his mama.
My mil made little slick remarks to me, out of earshot of my husband but to other family members. We had just taken a bunch of food to their house bc they had been having a hard time & their ss benefits hadn’t come in yet. She had asked my husband for help.
we went full on grocery shopping for them. Then me, my husband, her husband, our step kids went down the road a bit & went fishing at the lake.
so I walked back up to the house bc I had to pee (thank you beer) & I heard her saying to my stepsisters that I was just with her son for his money, that we were condescending by bringing them food & that I was fake af.
I walked in & she shut tf up. I said really? I’m with him bc of his money? You do know we make the same amount? You do know this was my idea to go to the store? You realize he didn’t want to bc you’re ungrateful af & you call me fake? I got in the truck, went down to the lake & told my husband I was going home. We lived 2 miles away.
He was at the house 10 minutes later & asked me what happened. I said your mom. He called his mom right then& there & she tried to spin it around on me. He told her she was full of crap & that I was right, & hung up on her. He apologized to me & I said I appreciate it but he didn’t need to, she did. It took her 2 years.
Nta. She could’ve took her ass home
What you could do but it’s petty af is tell dh OK I’ll ignore her from now on and every time she speaks ignore the fact she’s speaking talk to someone else get up and do something else if she calls you out just say oh dh said to just ignore you. I was always getting second hand embarrassed for you when I heard all the stupid stuff you said and I felt so bad that you always thought people were laughing with you when they were laughing AT you so he said just to ignore you completely. He knows how you like to throw tantrums so he didn’t think there was any point in talking to you and smile then say isn’t that right dh? He’ll soon learn to speak up
That’s when you smile sweetly back and say something like,” true but that can be fun and it’s better than judgement and hatred bred into families. Can you pass the potatoes MIL?”
NTA she’s a cow.
Ask him why he married you if he agrees with what his mother says. Because by staying silent? He’s showing you that either he doesn’t care about you or that he agrees.
Next time, respond that you’d rather grow up in a family that knows how to have fun than one that’s uptight and boring. And when Hubby steps in, just say “Oh so you do know how to stand up for someone, just not the woman you pledged your life to.” Then leave. Nta BTW.
Let him know he either handles her or you will consider his lack of a spine permission to handle things yourself.
Next time she tries to trash your side of the family say
Don’t talk about your family that way it’s disrespectful! (Remember since you’re married to her son you can assume she’s taking about her family)
Start coming up with rinse and repeat phrases
She tries to talk negatively about someone. Say – have you discussed this with them? It’s not my circus.
She tries to talk negatively about you or husband. Say – you do you and I’ll do me.
Don’t let her pull her you aside. Say
I’m enjoying being with the family or helping. Just say whatever you need to say (keep helping or whatever)
He sounds like a doormat
NTA
I’ve learned that when people are BOLD enough to say random shit to me, that it actually gives me PERMISSION to be just as BOLD right back at ‘em.
Sometimes with a SMILE. I don’t even need to yell or get angry and upset.
That tends to piss them off more cuz I act like I’m unbothered by what they said while matching THEIR Energy and giving it right back at them.
You know what else pisses them off? When you use their EXACT WORDS against them.
The next time she says something rude to you,
(Example: sometimes I act like I truly didn’t hear them & keep asking them to repeat it. What? I didn’t hear you? Act confused again “What??” Til they are practically yelling the absolutely rude thing over and over.)
Then loudly say in a disgusted tone “That’s what I thought you said. Certain families breed recklessness” then kind of look her up and down like she’s the disgusting trash she is!
She will probably LOSE HER SHIT! 🤣
You are nobody’s victim!
Don’t allow her to get away with treating you like you are nothing.
Your husband can either back you up or get the hell out of the way, because you are nobody’s sitting target!
NTA and tell your husband if it happens again you will be having a talk with your MIL on your terms. Scare the crap out of him.
Next event when she starts up politely take her aside (with an evil sideways grin) and explain if she doesn’t stop it and show respect you will let hell rain down in front of EVERYONE and that she can take her spineless son back because he’s useless.
NTA. Quite frankly, my response to MIL would have been “You are correct. Some families do breed in a reckless fashion. And just look at the end result: ignorance and arrogance all rolled into one.”
I would definitely talk back to her….I don’t know if it is because I’m brasilian, my blood doesn’t just run it boils! 😂😂😂 and I wouldn’t let her talk to me like that.
But….your husband should have your back! And set the boundaries….maybe with a mother like that, he kind of gave up….but, he should stand up for you, for sure!!!!
Ask hubs how to ‘ not take it personally’. The comments and snideness are about and directed at YOU and YOUR family. It cannot get more personal.
Sad he is more concerned with not upsetting his mother than his wife.
Tell him he either handles it or you will. Ask him that since he feels she is entitled to behave as she does, that gives you the green light to do the same?
At her first comment, at what you are doing, look straight at her, and calmly…directly…ask ‘ mil, what do you mean by that.’ ‘ I don’t see the humor, please explain.’ ‘ mil, you’ve made similar comments before…is there something on your mind.’
Any type of response to her snide comments that force her to be on the spot in front of her audience. She is always expecting you to get mad, upset…show a reaction that she’s getting under your skin. Don’t give her the satisfaction.
I’d stop going…tell hubs he can see and talk with her, but you are done. If an acquaintance or coworker was doing this to him, he would cut them out or limit contact, because why would he tolerate it and keep a relationship going with someone like that…
NTA
NTA. You did not overreact, you simply reached your limit. OP please take it from me, set boundaries now with husband and MIL or resentment will brew in your marriage and destroy it. If your husband cannot set boundaries with his mother, then it is time to reevaluate your marriage.