i swear, i was just trying to give my daughter a nice birthday. we don’t have a lot, okay? so i saved up for months. i planned everything myself balloons, cake, even handmade the party favors late at night after work. it wasn’t fancy, but it was ours. something i wanted to do for my kid. then out of nowhere, my husband’s sister decides she’s the party queen. she starts texting me “suggestions” at first, like “you should do a rainbow theme” or “hire this clown, he’s amazing.” i politely said thanks, but we already had a plan. that wasn’t enough for her. she showed up at my place three days before the party with bags of decorations i didn’t ask for. she called the caterer without telling me and ordered food i didn’t even know about. she even told my MIL to help her “set up early” like, girl, what? i told her straight up: “can you just let me handle this? it’s my daughter’s party.” she laughed. said i was being “too sensitive” and that she was “just helping.” helping?? it didn’t feel like help. it felt like a takeover. like what i wanted didn’t matter. like i wasn’t doing enough. so yeah…
i snapped. i told her to back off, that this wasn’t her kid, her party, her moment. i didn’t yell or curse but i was definitely angry. and MIL? of course she took her side. said i was being “dramatic.” my husband just sat there. quiet. like always. now everyone’s acting like i ruined the vibe. they say i should’ve just let her help and been grateful. but like… what about what i wanted for my daughter? i just wanted one day where i could feel like a good mom. where it was my love and effort that made my daughter smile. but instead i felt steamrolled. ignored. replaced. so… AITA?
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A good mom does what’s best for her daughter and not herself.
Answer this question and you’ll know if yta or nta. Better yet, speak with your daughter and see if this is something she likes.
Was she an ah for barging in like that? Possibly.
NTA because first of all, I understand people wanting to help, just as I understand wanting to do things for your own child the way you want it to be.
You already at first politely let the SIL know that you didn’t want/need any suggestions, you already had a plan/idea as to what you want to do. SIL decided to overstep the boundary, she should have offered help with the idea you already had in mind if she wanted to be involved rather than being pushy of her own ideas.
I feel like maybe… (just playing devils advocate) you could have let her in on the ideas and offered her suggestions on way she could have contributed to your plans, but neither here nor there SIL overstepped after you let her know at first twice politely and a third time in a bit more of a stern voice.
NTA (P.S: Husband needs to step in and be your support backing your party plans. As well as if you let him know your SIL was overstepping, he should have let MIL and SIL know you guys have an idea and they can help in other ways)
I get SIL wanted to possibly contribute but going about it that way was not it.
Has it occurred to you that they know you don’t have a lot and they were trying to help give your daughter an awesome birthday that you might not have been able to provide alone?
I get that it hurt your ego but I don’t think they did this from a bad place.
I won’t call you an AH but it’s okay to get help from family without taking it as a bad thing
Your husband sucks.
NTA. Your party, your rules. Some people need to learn the art of stepping back.
Let me vote as follows:
OP: NTA since it’s her daughter’s party
SIL: Originally NTA because she wanted to help, but changing my vote for her to AH for insisting and her audacity to hijack her niece’s event
Husband: AH because he should have stood up for his wife
MIL: Automatic AH for siding with SIL when she hijacked her niece’s event
NTA. It sounds like your boundaries were disrespected. You had a clear vision and this woman frustrated it and turned something you wanted to be proud of into a day of hard feelings. When you assert boundaries and people violate them, it is totally normal to snap at them. I don’t know why they’re acting like this is uncalled for. Its incredibly normal to want some control over your own home and children, and she clearly disregarded some well-communicated wishes.
But on the side of devil’s advocate, this is your husband’s kid too, and maybe family involvement is something he wants for his kid because he clearly had it? You say you wanted your love and effort to make her smile, but is it so bad if your husband and your in laws believe that everyone’s love and effort will make her smile even bigger?
Considering the amount of time and effort it sounds like you put into this, it sounds like you are used to having to do things on your own, and feeling supported by very few people. It sounds like you learned to be proud of things only if you have to struggle for them. If you allow your daughter to feel supported and loved by a larger community, maybe she can grow up to be proud of everything she has – even things that come a little easier?
You don’t have a busybody SIL problem – you have a spineless husband problem.
Are you sure he didn’t ask for their help? ESH
NTA. Please tell me you cancelled whatever extra she ordered from the caterer.
At no point did SIL “just want to help”. From the beginning, her “help” was imposing her opinion, not actually being helpful. Bringing a bunch of crap you said you didn’t need? More work.
Tell them there’s nothing to be grateful for. SIL was disrespectful and a nuisance. They can apologize and fix their attitude, or they can forget about being included in the future.
NTA your cardboard cut out husband suuuuucks.
You have a husband problem. It is literally part of a partner’s job to set boundaries with their family and enforce those boundaries. What did your loser-ass husband do? “He just sat there. Quiet. Like always.”
You need to lay down the law WITH YOUR HUSBAND. He needs to choose you or lose you. He cannot remain in the middle/stay silent when HIS family is interfering and trying to be controlling.
Your SIL and MIL were assholes but your husband is Class A Massive Asshole.
NTA. You put in the work. She steamrolled you, then called you dramatic. You wanted to feel like a good mom, and she tried to steal that, fuck her.
Tell them the last paragraph of what you wrote
How did the party go?
Who was paying for all of these “extras” she decided to add on? Because I’d be furious, knowing I didn’t have that kind of money, to find out that all these “extra” things had been added without my knowledge or permission.
NTA
Your husband doesn’t have a backbone and your SIL is used to being the ring leader, those are both two separate issues I’m sorry you have to deal with.
NTA – parenting any kids party within budget is not easy and she did things that she should have realised way overstepped.
We get it.
Nta if you told her to back off
Do send her a my place for my kids parties I suck… suck…suck at party planning
You need to have a huge “Come to Jesus’ meeting with your husband! He is as bad as his sister. Patiently explain to him your feeling over the whole incident and specifically was he did/did not do to help/hurt by the way he acted.
You have a husband problem. NTA.
NTA and you’re a good mom. The effort definitely shows that
How old is your child?
I remember when my sister had a party for her 2-year-old, she said, “It’s really for me, he doesn’t care about anything other than having everyone over there.
When he was 7, 8, the party was for him and she took the help to make it better for him.
So…who was it for?
I mean, it’s fine if it’s for you….which is definitely what this sounds like. It’s your kids party, but you wanted to do this and you wanted to feel like a good mother. Just being there and being with your child and taking care of him makes you a good Mother.
And honestly, it can be so EXHAUSTING to get up and fight every battle on my wife’s behalf. Especially when the version she tells ME doesn’t matchup at ALL with what I see and I’m supposed to get into a fight with my SIL, in this situation, over her trying to help.
Do your think your kid would think less of you if it was catered or…you felt steamrolled, I get that, but replaced?
There’s something deeper. You don’t get “replaced” by an Aunt. That’s not how kids think.
(And yeah, I’m ready for the hail of furry I’ll get here).
I have been this SIL, good intentions of wanting to help, but overstepping boundaries and hurting people in the process. Your husband should have shut this right down.
I´m not saying your TA but why did you react like this, her aunt wants to be a part of her birthday and you get all defensive and so so very proud. I just don´t get it. You think your daughter would be to much celebrated, her birthday be too fancy or what is it?
NTA but your husband is. Don’t have any more kids with him. I would’ve accepted the food and decorations and threw that shit in the trash in front of them and poured bleach on it then told them get tf out