Okay, so here’s the deal. I honestly don’t even know if I’m overreacting or if I just finally lost it after being pushed for too long. My sister-in-law has this weird habit of comparing her kid to mine. Like… constantly. Every time we’re in the same room, she has to bring up how her son is doing better in school, or how he learned to read earlier, or how he’s more athletic, more polite, more… I don’t know, superior in every way. And it’s not even subtle. She’ll say things like, “Oh, your daughter still doesn’t know how to ride a bike? Mine did that when he was three.” Or “Oh, that’s cute. He still naps? Mine stopped needing naps years ago.” The thing is, I never asked. I never bring up my kid to compete. I just want us all to get along and be happy for each other’s children. But she makes it feel like a competition every single time. And yeah, it stings. Not because I think my kid is less but because she acts like her kid’s achievements mean my kid is somehow failing. So last weekend, we were at this family BBQ. I brought cookies my son and I baked together. You know, just a fun bonding thing. She immediately goes, “Oh, that’s adorable.
My son just finished a coding project on his own. Maybe next time he can teach your son how to do something more advanced.” I. Snapped. I looked her dead in the eye and said, “Why do you always act like we’re competing? I’m not trying to one up you. My son is doing just fine, and I don’t need to prove anything to you.” It got quiet. She made this face like I was being dramatic. Then she said I was “being sensitive” and just “couldn’t handle the truth.” Later that night, my husband told me I could’ve handled it more gracefully. That I embarrassed her in front of everyone. But honestly? I’m so sick of it. Of feeling like I have to defend my own kid just for existing. I don’t want drama, but I also don’t want my son growing up around someone who always makes him feel second best. So now I’m sitting here wondering… Was I out of line for calling her out? Or was it about time someone said something? Aitah?
Comments
NTA
Your SIL sounds exhausting. Nobody asked for her constant kid Olympics commentary, and you finally said what everyone was probably thinking.
You’re not overreacting. Constant one-upping like that would wear anyone down. It sounds less like
Family or not, respect is a two-way street
Your kid’s lucky to have you!
NTA. The only ‘competition’ here should be who can support each other’s kids the best, not who can belittle them the most.
NTA. Everyone’s child is special in their own way, there’s no need for comparisons. Stand your ground for your kid’s sake if not for your own.
NTA
People like you SIL needs to learn humility and sometimes that means calling them out on their poor behavior in public
My ex-friend was doing this about another person’s daughter. I told my ex-friend raising kids is not a competition and anyone who brags that much about their child is insecure and needs to be quiet to do some self-reflection. Yeah, we’re not friends anymore. But I am now friends with the other family.
SIL as in your husband’s sister or your brother’s wife?
Your husband needs to realise that his sister has been embarassing you for years.
If she kept on making her little remarks in front of other people, she’s been embarassing you in front of other people for years.
And it’s very safe to assume that your kids were present for some of those conversations. Which means your husband’s sister has been embarassing your children in front of other people for years.
Edited to add: there wasn’t by any chance some sibling rivalry between him and his sister when they were growing up? If your sister-in-law keeps on harping on and on about how her kids are superior to his, that’s about him as a father, too.
I think it was the perfect move, telling her off in front of everyone. Now everyone will be more aware when she does it again.
NTA. She needed to be called out. She may not even realize what she’s doing because she has just been like this for so long, but she’ll never change if nothing ever gets said. Next time maybe just go overly sweet voiced and say ‘oh honey I didn’t ask, but I’m glad your son is doing so well’ then turn to someone else and keep on keeping on- just make it clear you don’t care and it doesn’t bother you. If she keeps doing it, you keep saying, ‘oh I didn’t ask about that’s or ‘thats not what we were talking about’. Rinse and repeat until she either shuts up or makes a fool of herself. When she does tho keep the smile off your face and then celebrate in private 😉
NTA. She is, and so is your husband. Is he happy for a family member to talk about his and your child that way.
NTA, not overreacting, and I gotta say I feel bad for her kids. If she’s like this with you, she’s probably one of those psycho moms who throw a fit if her kids get an A- on a test. BTW, ask your husband why he’s ok with SIL putting his kids down at every opportunity.
Nta
This person needs antagonising.
Everytime, she starts comparing say “here we go again, don’t tell me your son has just got back from sailing round the world single handed and laugh.”
Then say, we know we know you think your child is better than any child that ever lived, and that’s natural, but it’s really boring listening to an adult who is basically trying to convince other parents her kid is so much better than their kids. It really is time you stopped this ridiculous behaviour, or just bore off!
nah, you did not even day anything. weak.
NTA. Justified.
You should have asked what is the truth. Make her say that she is superior, then you cant be accused of overreacting
NTA. You seem to have a husband problem though
Definitely NTA. She’d of done the same if the roles were reversed. Every child advances at different rates. Good on you momma bear for standing up to her. Your husband should of had your back. I know I would of if it were my child.
You’re NTA. Goodjob for standing up for your child and yourself. Your SIL is a nasty piece of work. She’s clearly insecure and needs to put down your child to feel better about her own parenting. While I agree that she is very clearly the AH, I also think your husband is one too. Why isn’t he standing up to his sister about her behaviour towards your son. Why is he okay with HIS son being constantly put down? Your son was disrespected in public, why should the reprimand be in private? Have a loooong talk with your husband before your SIL problem also turns into a husband problem.
I suppose your husband couldn’t intervene? Is she his sister.?
Nta. Its not a competition and shes making it one. You reached your limit
The only thing I would have done different is to say what you said but just one on one instead of with an audience.
Your husband’s not much of a father, is he?
NTA
Your husband needs to grow a spine. His sister’s comments will eventually affect your child, irrespective of whether he wants to or not.
INFO m: why is your husband not being your partner in this? like he is refusing to back you and your child up to keep the peace with his sister. how unattractive is that?
NTA – All these spineless husband’s out here telling their wive that they could’ve handled it properly while not being able to handle boundaries and their own family member.
If your SIL wants the truth then I’d literally start telling her the truth and see how she “handles” it. As for your husband, his own sister has been passive aggressively putting his own kids down and making it sound more like she’s hyping up her own kids but he’s more concerned about his grown ass sister being embarrassed than his own kids having their self esteem crushed by her?
Imagine one day one of your kids came up to you and your husband after finally achieving something they’ve been working really hard on to achieve for let say the last 6 months, they were so happy and proud of themselves and showed it to you guys but your SIL also happens to be there and she says “Oh my kid did that in a month, maybe they can help you to achieve it sooner”. Instant. Soul. Crushed. Is your husband not gonna say anything until you do and instead of backing you up while his kid is upset, he tells you off for embarrassing his sister again?
If he doesn’t see it then I’d start directing everything his sister said onto him just to prove a point. Your husband finally managed to get something he really wanted after saving up for months? “Oh my friend had the money to buy it straight away”, husband got promoted after years in the company? “My cousin got promoted to the same title 6 months into them working at Y company”. You catch my drift? He’ll either be completely clueless or it’ll start pissing him off and asked why you’re downplaying his achievements then I’d hit him with “Well, this is what your sister has been doing with our kids but you were more concerned about her feelings than to see what she was doing. Until you shut her down I’m gonna keep doing it”
NTA, you have every right to protect your child. Do not expose him to her anymore. I know she’s family, but until she learns to act like family, you keep your son safe. And that means excluding her where you can, and sticking up for him every time something is said. Not just when you can’t take it anymore. And be as subtle as she is too.
Being told whatever you do isn’t good enough, he’ll grow up to become an amazing human being who thinks he’s not worth anything.
Edit: by the way, the truth is, they’re kids. Raising a kid isn’t a competition. No one is better than the rest at growing up.
Tell your husband it’s good she was embarrassed. Embarrassment is a consequence of bad behavior. And hopefully it will stop her from repeating comments about your kids. And unless he steps up and shuts down her comments, you will.
You should keep your child’s gender the same in your fake posts. First you have a daughter, then it’s a son. Get it together.
Nta. She sounds as if she has an inferiority problem. Next time, grey rock her.
NTA. There are individual differences between children, even medical scientific books they write babies at the age of between Xand Y should be able to do so and so there’s no definite time for doing or learning something. Your husband needs to take better care of his children and shouldn’t allow anyone to make them feel inferior.
NTA
She’s got this far in life without realising she’s an AH, she’ll be pretty resistant to being told. Roll your eyes and mutter “such an asshole” every time she does it in future if you like, but I bet she still doesn’t have the capacity to see herself clearly.
Um, why are you wondering if defending your child’s mental well being now AND DEFINITELY IN THE FUTURE, is wrong or not? nta but your hubby is. If he hasn’t realized and appreciates the fact it took this long for you to FINALLY AND RIGHTFULLY SNAP, then maybe he’s a big part of the problem! Meaning, why hasn’t he stood up for his child? What’s that say for him when your child starts to constantly feel 2nd best to a cousin? Sorry, bud but protecting this entitled and childish adults bad behavior and feelings mean more than your feelings getting constantly hurt. Good luck because it sounds like you’re going to need it!
NTA
Eff her snd her fail kid that she is living vicariously through.
Hopefully he doesn’t grow up into either 1) mama’s boy creep or 2) super rebellious and joins a cult or becomes a drug addict or something. She sounds insufferable.
Updateme
Your SIL is very insecure, has zero personal accomplishments and is jealous as hell of you. That is why she is constantly making comparisons.
From now on if she is going to be at an event, decline the invitation. Do something fun with your kids. You don’t enjoy the event because of SIL and you are worried about protecting your son from her nonsense. You don’t need that stress. Life is too short to spend time with hateful, petty, jealous people. You’re an adult, decide not to go!
NTA. And I bet the cookies were delicious!
NTA.
“It is so sad that you have to live vicariously thru your child. It must feel terrible to have so little respect for yourself that you have to use your children to give your life any value.”
My ex-MiL (I loved her dearly, but…) whenever I talked about my kids’, under 6 at the time, school or other activities, would bring up how her adult daughter was doing so well at her new job/new hobby/whatever. I just ignored it. Then, many years later, my daughter was at university and had to write a story to turn into a script for a short film and she gave it me for proofreading. It was a character exploration piece based around members of a family travelling for a funeral and, eventually, a story of child abuse coming out during the trip. One of the side characters was an older woman who kept interrupting her adult niece, while the niece was explaining what was going to be happening at her father’s funeral, to tell her how well her cousin was doing. I got to that bit and asked my daughter “that’s based on your gran, right?” She laughed and agreed. Even at a very young age, she’d noticed it.
Your child notices all of this. And will think, if you let it go on, that you agree with her. So support your kid and shut it down every damned time.