I am getting an abortion tomorrow afternoon at almost 22 weeks against the wishes of my husband and his family. My child would be born with a trisomy condition (not Downs, just FYI) that almost always leads to an early death and is not compatible with the kind of life quality I want for my son. I can’t put my son through that and I do not WANT to put myself through labor and delivery just to say goodbye or be a 24 hour caregiver to my child as they suffer with no hope of healing.
In response to my decision my husband tried lovebombing me, making promises he would never keep, and successfully sabotaged a dr. appointment and 1 appointment to terminate my pregnancy. He said tearfully I was killing his only son before he got to hold him once. I told as him quietly I didn’t think sharing feelings was a good idea right then. Am I the asshole?
I knew he would continue to do these things because he wanted to block me and prevent me until it was no longer legally an option, so I got TRO and told him it was either leave peacefully or leave in cuffs. He’s going through this too and I threatened him with arrest and kicked him out. Am I the asshole?
Now he has cut off our power and we will surely be evicted tomorrow (while he sits in a hotel without a care, probably) because he’s trying to force me to spend the money I hid and saved for this procedure on basic life needs. Am I the asshole for not paying the rent so I can get this procedure? Am I the asshole for spending this on me?
He has been plotting to force me into compliance one way or another for a while, which makes me feel I married a stranger. He didn’t pay our rent this month (he absolutely has the funds) and concealed from me or intercepted every warning to pay or vacate the premises our leasing office sent out until today when he had (I am guessing) someone tape every communication to pay or vacate to my door, including one to appear by zoom TOMORROW morning. The notice said we could be given as many as 10 days to remove our things, but the judge is NOT required to even give us that.
When I spoke to the office manager she said not only do I have to zoom in to face a judgement, my husband demanded to be removed from the lease, a request they granted (is this legal!!???).I am the sole leaseholder. She said they won’t contest a dismissal if I pay by the time of court, but said she didn’t see how I’d be able to afford to continue to live here being a single mom of three anyway. Of three.
Nobody in his family will help me. They think I’m being selfish, not in my right mind, a bad person. The only living relatives I have are permanently disabled and cannot help without going without necessities. Am I the asshole for having kids without a proper support system?
That brings us to the power. His family must have told him I was looking for help and not budging because then he had the power shut off this past Friday*. When I called the power company to put it on in my name, I was told power consumers can’t just end an account with a balance and turn power on in a spouse’s name. I’d need to pay the balance off first.
The balance isn’t very much, but I need almost every single cent I have for the procedure tomorrow. Even with the clinic reducing their fee and an organization putting $200 toward my procedure, this is costing me nearly $2,000.
I called my best friend and she said, “You and your kids can’t be homeless. Your number one priority needs to be keeping a roof over their heads. Are you seriously going to take them to a homeless shelter? Just pay the rent and worry about the rest later.”
There won’t be a later. The procedure can’t wait. That’s what he’s counting on. He knows I can sue for spousal support in good time and hopefully get housing (not sure how with an eviction on my record, though). He knows I can’t simply get this procedure done in good time.
Am I the asshole? I was trying to be a good mother when I refused to back down. Have I lost perspective? Am I a bad person because the thought that if we go to term, maybe my child could be an organ donor (something his mother called a silver lining) disturbs me rather than comforts me?
I feel so defeated.
*Thank you to the saintly neighbors who are allowing me to run an extension cord to power our fridge, fans for the kids to stay cool, and charge our devices…true angels on Earth I’ll thank properly when I can.
Comments
You are a good mother. I had to face a similar decision. Would never want to carry on with the pregnancy.
Your husband sounds awful! I’m so sorry you’re dealing with this with no support.
I hope you leave him
You are a sane, mature, mom who is doing the right thing for your entire family. I am so sorry you find yourself in this awful situation. I don’t know what state you live in but most states have a pretty tough time evicting people quickly. There are also usually resources available for moms with children. Please don’t beat yourself up. You are doing the best you can. Give yourself a huge hug dear girl from all of the women who have been where you have been!❤️
Get the procedure and file for divorce. You’re going to go through a rough patch, but on the other side is freedom I swear.
NTA – so sorry you have to do this. You’re making the right decision. Screw everyone who’s taking their side and go NC with them. You are one strong woman…..Hugs to you…..
You do the abortion.
It’s not legal to take himself off the lease without your approval and signature in most places. He may have committed fraud so you should contact the police again. They may be able to stop the eviction hearing (this is a long shot) due to the fraud.
This all depends on where you live but contact the police asap to say what happened and see if it’s legal. Don’t forget to mention to them your children will be homeless very soon because of your husband’s actions.
And later, divorce him.
NTA!!! Please talk to a lawyer and start divorce proceedings. Also, look into any social services that are available. I’m so sorry you’re having to go through this
NTA. Go get it done and then file for divorce. Had to let go of my son last year because of triploidy (trisomy of literally every chromosome) around the same time and it’s heartbreaking. I don’t know what I would’ve done if I hadn’t had my husband supporting me during and after this time. You deserve so much better. Do not stay with this sad excuse of a person and certainly do not have another child with him! He’s not only abandoning you during the absolute worst, he’s also abusive and controlling. I can’t believe he’s treating you like this.
Maybe a go fund me can help with your immediate money help, otherwise I wouldn’t feel safe around a man doing that to me. It’s your choice, obviously, but I would file for divorce and consider getting a lawyer. Don’t you guys have to cosign the lease or something? They should’ve gotten your approval or something???
A big, huge NTA. I am SO sorry you are in this situation. This is awful in so many ways.
I think it’s gross your husband expects you to carry a pregnancy to term when the prognosis isn’t good. It is SO understandable you don’t want go down that path, it is a huge undertaking and when you already have children, extra hard. My opinion is abortion is healthcare and there’s no need for justifications.
I have no advice, other than seeing if there’s someone you can stay with? Forget rent, find a safe space and do what you need to do. Don’t let your husband manipulate you into doing something you don’t want. Then after, look at getting out for good. This man is disgusting and you deserve better.
Ah also check in with the satanic temple, last I heard they were offering free or low charge abortion help…
I would do the. same. thing so good for you for being brave. Please call the closest DV agency and ask for help….this is abusive and nobody in their right mind would think a multi handicapped child should be born so they can donate organs…WTF? You deserve help…hang in there.
You are TOTALLY the asshole, however, your post is on my fake detector. If, by some chance even 10% of your post is true, you are truly the most selfish person on the face of the earth. I have a friend with a child with trisomy 18. This is a happy, affectionate, interactive kid. You want to deny your baby the opportunity to live up to his/her potential to bring love into your life. Do you know how 22 weeks abortions are done? Your baby is burned alive inside your womb, and sometimes they are born alive. Or you could have a D&E, where your baby will be torn to pieces. Babies at 22 weeks have the ability to feel like pain. You waited way too long; you should have planned before making that baby.
Nta. get your procedure. It is the best thing in a horrible situation. Then call a domestic violence shelter and ask for help. your husband is awful.
NTA
Your husband is being abusive. Get the abortion and then figure out the rest as needed.
If husband is willing to do this to you now he will be willing to do it later for some other reason and it would only be worse to deal with while also looking after a severely disabled child.
This marriage is over. He’s ended it.
NTA.
get it done. call around for social services. call your local area women’s center (where they help women experiencing DV & abuse) & get the hell out of that apartment & away from that crazy man & his nasty family.
if he shut the power off on children, he violated something i’m sure.
I would seriously recommend getting in touch with legal aid services. There are tons of them. They may be able to help you with the housing issues and give you advice about whether or not he’s violating the TRO by having the utilities cut off, etc.
NTA, not at all. I’m so sorry this is something you are having to go through. As others have stated, it is not legal in most states for them to remove him from the lease without both of your signatures. The fact that he is okay with turning the power off on you and your kids says enough about him & the fact that you have to go through with this or he will continue to have this hold over you after getting exactly what he wants. Not to be harsh, but if you send me your general area I can send you possible low income housing/DV housing near you. Be safe!
22 weeks is VIABLE. Let your baby be born. Hold him and love him and let him see the light of the morning. Let him see the smiling faces of his mother and father. Let him hear what your heartbeat sounds like from the outside of your body. Will it be the hardest thing you ever do? Probably. But that’s life. That’s motherhood. Don’t take the coward’s way out. Love him until you cant anymore. Let your husband love him. Let your family and your other kids LOVE HIM and know him. He is irreversibly a part of your life and your family, and you will fail him completely id you won’t even give him the bare minimum of a fighting chance to feel love.
So yes, YTA. I get that you’re in a horrible situation, and I get that you feel unsupported. But can you imagine how stressed and unsupported your son will feel as he’s being torn from your womb, just weeks before he was destined to feel your embrace? Please reconsider.
He is the ah , get the abortion, get legal advice and get all the Debts he caused put on him and divorce the bstard
YTA for sooooo many reasons
NTA, and anyone who is pushing their anti-abortion mindset into a brewing domestic violence situation can get fucked.
The way this man is acting right now tells you everything you need to know. He views you as an incubator to toss aside and neglect whenever it fails at that task. Get your procedure and run very fast, very far.
Do wha you need to do.
The rest comes, even if it is hard.
You are not the asshole for protecting yourself.
Thinking of what the child would face.
You know your STBX is not thinking of anyone but himself.
Divorce is easier than living with this monster.
NTA
Your husband is worthless trash and you need to see a divorce lawyer ASAP
You could birth the child and then give him full custody in the divorce.
I think you should do what’s best for yourself in this situation. Whatever that may be.
Get the procedure no matter what, and then collect all this as evidence in court. Ask for compensation because he financially abused and neglected you and your kids. NTA. Do you have family you can stay with or anybody to loan you money temporarily? Not something I usually recommend, but you are right, he is counting on you not being able to afford to get it done.
Your kids will.not be homeless. They might get placed with family. But you need to take care of yourself. Then you can take care of them better.
Document everything. Double pressing the power button will put a lot of phones into camera mode. Just hit record.
Make sure you have memory available.
Document everything he is doing to you and file for divorce and sole custody. This is not a man you need to be married to. Have the procedure.
Who gives a flying f@#k and rolling donut about whether your TAH or not!? Your husband is emotionally and mentally abusive and is INTENTIONALLY putting your 2 children at risk by leaving them in an unsafe environment by shutting off the electricity. Don’t worry about the rent or paying anything else. Get your procedure done.
But you do, contact the women’s and children shelter for domestic violence. They will be able to help you with a safe place to stay for your children, yourself and help with recovery after your procedure. They will also be able help you find other resources to help you find housing, work, counseling and keep your location private.
Nta. Make a police report. Let the officer manager know all these details. Cutting off your power too. How you’re pregnant with a sick child. Get a divorce. He may be suffering but what he’s doing is illegal and not ok. Your body your choice.
You’re doing the right thing because it’s what you want, and your decision is smart. You are surrounded by a tornado of chaos. Stay focused, and again, you are doing the right thing. Whatever comes after, you can face it. It will be horrible, but not as horrible as what you had already pictured for you and your son.You definitely love him. And you are sparing him any further trauma. That’s what a mother does.
Take care of yourself, and the rest of it will happen.
NTA. Go get it done. I had to do similar at 20 weeks. It is not fair on you to bring an ill baby into the world whom is going to die. I can guarantee all care will fall to you and your husband won’t help when it’s time and you will be heartbroken.
Look at him now. Deserting his wife and children and playing abusive mind games and then risking yours and your children’s welfare because he is having a tantrum. He is dangerous. Your marriage is over ! Don’t ever take him back. He is an abusive AH.
Also get rid of the best friend. She is an idiot.
Please go get the abortion then after go to a homeless shelter with your other kids and get free legal advise to help you.
Your husband and his family are abusive and dangerous.
Get help from a DV women’s shelter. Ring them now and go stay there til you are sorted.
File for a divorce. Get all your paperwork together.
Get 100% custody of your kids and only have communication through a parenting app.
Brave person, do what is the kindest thing to yourself and.your doomed child. Call the police about your husband’s manipulation of the rent, and.divorce him. How.abusive and.manipulative.
NTA Get the abortion. Your husband is abusive. Seek support from domestic violence shelters – they can give you referrals to community resources.
This doesn’t add up.
Why would you be evicted tomorrow? Not how fast that works lol.
Also, the lease bit… 🤨
Either way…you do you.
He’s creating a short term crisis in order to trap you in the long term crisis of caring for a trisomy patient.
You’re being smart. Play the long game. This short upheaval won’t be pleasant, but it won’t kill you or sap your will to live.
Throw the whole husband away and get your procedure done. I’m so sorry you’re going through this. Deciding whether or not to terminate a wanted pregnancy is awful. Termination in general is such a difficult decision but to have to decide whether or not you let child suffers is just a lot. Husband should he supporting and comforting you and grieving with you but he’s not. Divorce, divorce, divorce
Stay strong. I imagine getting divorced with full custody and child support will be a slam dunk with the preponderance of evidence he is racking up showing he was willing to leave his wife and children without power, shelter, or food in order to force you to have another against your will.
You are doing the right thing for you and your child. Many of the people that are posting on this subject have not read information about trisomy that is not Down’s Syndrome. Your husband and his family do not know what this would mean for your other children and for the life of your unborn child. Stay strong and know that there are people out here who understand.
You are being a good mother, both to your unborn child and to the ones you already have: a severely disabled sibling would very much affect their lives as well.
Oh he wants you to keep this pregnancy so badly but then deserted you with 3 already living children? What a complete POS.
NTA
Your friend has it backwards – the abortion is time sensitive, you do that first and figure the rest out later.
Out of interest, are the other 2 children your husband’s biological kids? The 2 children he is leaving in a house with no power and is willing to make homeless? The same ones who he left with the mother he’s trying to drown in debt? He’s punishing and neglecting 2 already living children in an attempt to force you to birth one who will die or require 24/7 care – absolute insanity.
I’m so sorry you’re going through this. Hope you get it all figured out.
Updateme
NTA. Get the procedure. File for divorce. Do you have a job? If so, a personal loan might be possible to pay for the rent. Or maybe a credit card? These are just emergency stop-gap measures. The important thing is to get the procedure done, then pack up the things that are important to you, and move you and your kids to either a friend’s or to a shelter. From there, things can be straightened as part of the divorce process. Please update us!
NTA. So sorry.
I’m so sorry. I just wanted to say that this type of abortion is called a termination for medical reasons and there is a subreddit called r/tfmr_support. It can be really emotionally difficult so just wanted to make sure you knew. So sorry.