I, 38m, married my ex wife, 36f when I was 22 and she was 20. We have a daughter, 14, and a son, 10. Three years ago I found out she had been cheating on me for two years. I was devastated. I loved my wife with all my heart and couldn’t understand why or how she could do that to me. I was in a really dark place for a while after I found out. We divorced and she stayed together with her affair partner. It destroyed me seeing them each time I dropped off the kids because they acted like they hadn’t ruined my life.
My daughter knows that the marriage ended because of her mother’s infidelity. She was old enough to know why we were divorcing. And honestly if we hadn’t told her, she would have figured it out herself because of how quickly she moved her boyfriend in. Because of this her and her mom don’t have a great relationship anymore which I know hurts my ex.
At the beginning of November last year, my son became best friends with a new kid at school. I scheduled the play dates with his friends dad, Chris, who was single. We became friends quickly. After about three months of being buddies, I started to notice stuff about him, such as if his hair looked especially good one day, or if he smelled nice, and that his muscles looked good on him. I even began to dress a little nicer if I knew I’d see him. I never was attracted to a guy before, so these feelings were new and scared me.
Chris had told me before that he didn’t have a label and liked who he liked, so I took a leap and told him how I had been feeling. That was honestly a very nerve wracking moment for me because one, I just confessed to having feelings for a guy out loud, and two, I had no clue if Chris would feel the same way and if he didn’t, I’d still have to see him because of our sons which would be very awkward. Luckily for me, he said he felt the same way and said he was glad I had told him because he wouldn’t have told me how he felt because I was a straight man.
We started off slow since he was the first person I started dating since my divorce and because he was the first guy I’d ever been with. Around the two month mark in March we told my kids about us. My daughter was happy for us and told me she was glad I was able to find love again. I’ll admit I cried because I was worried how she would feel since the divorce still affects her sometimes. My son was happy because it meant he got to see his friend more often.
I told my ex wife about me seeing someone. I didn’t tell her it was a guy because I wasn’t sure how she would react. I did make sure to tell her that he had no criminal history, was someone who had a child at our kids school, and had a steady job. She had tried to insist meeting him because she “had a right to know who our kids will be with.” It’s not my proudest moment, but I threw it back in her face that I had a right to know when she slept outside of our marriage. I also think a part of me didn’t want her to somehow ruin what me and him were building.
In May they finally met and she was shocked that it was a man but she didn’t react poorly like I expected. A few days ago her boyfriend, David, met him as well. Turns out they’re cousins. I never knew that. Though it doesn’t bother me because why should it? It does, however, bother my ex since she believes I knew they were related and dated him for that reason. How she came to that conclusion is beyond me. Shes now started to talk to our daughter and say that I’m trying to ruin her happiness by interfering with David’s family. I have no clue why she wants to involve our daughter because when my daughter came back to my house, she looked distressed relaying what my ex had said. I’ve always tried my best to not say anything bad about my ex in front of the kids because she’s still their mom, but what do I do now that she’s trying to involve our daughter in this? I’m not going to break things off with Chris because he’s so amazing and I really do love him. But I also don’t want this affecting our daughter more than it has already.
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your ex cheated, u moved on and found love with a great guy (who happens to be her bf’s cousin ,pure coincidence). now she’s mad and dragging your daughter into it. u’re not wrong. just focus on your kids, keep being honest, and don’t let her drama mess with your peace.
NTA
I’m afraid, I’ll have to be very blunt with you: Its time to be putting the gloves off for your ex.
She is such a vile, egocentric woman that she rather traumatizes, bullies and pressures your 14yo daugther into compliance than do the mature thing and suck it up.
Your kids should always be your first priority. That said, you have to treat her as the enemy to your kids safety, health and mental wellbeing she is
I’m happy you have been able to move on. I’m not sure I agree telling the kids at 2 months is going slow!
At 14, your daughter can figure this out. Keep doing just what you are doing; being good to your kids and no badmouthing thir mom.
I am guessng the cousins are not close if your new partner wasn’t aware. So; no big deal. Might not all want to be at family christmas but I am guessing that won’t happen anyway.
Cool story bro
It’s not your fault. You didn’t know the guy was related to your ex, and now you love him. It’s okay. Problems with the ex are her business, don’t bring the kids into it. Protect your daughter, set boundaries with your ex and live your life.
Explain exactly what your ex is doing and why. At least when her mom says stuff she will know it’s not true
NTA. You’re happy, you deserve to be happy. If your ex is trying to alienate your daughter and potentially your son, I would take it to court, the courts do NOT take kindly to a parent bad mouthing another to their children.
Your daughter already dislikes her mother, your ex is making it worse. Talk to your children frankly and ask what their mum is saying, then ask what they want to do about it. I.e. do they want you to talk to their mum (you can threaten court), or do they want to reduce their time at their mothers? Or does your daughter at least want to go straight to court to reduce visitation.
Best of luck, I’m glad you found someone who makes you happy. We all deserve love.
NTA, your ex-wife turned out to be a real piece of work. Malignant personalities often project what they are capable of onto those around them. Your ex-wife’s unscrupulous behavior makes her believe that those around her are capable of doing bad things because she is capable of them. I would not play into it at all. I would shield your kids as best as possible, your daughter sounds old enough and bright enough to see thru her mother’s bull shit. Your daughter will explain things to your son. If your ex continues with her bullshit you may want to consider changing the custody arrangement. Be the better person and parent and live your life. Your ex-wife will get what’s coming to her…eventually.
NTA. Your ex is trying to get your daughter to say what she did was ‘not that bad because look, daddy is doing a mean thing too!’ Just tell your daughter you met Chris through your son and if she has questions she can always come to you because her mom knows nothing about how you feel about anything, ever. Then laugh like your ex is ridiculous so your daughter can nervous laugh and then build the strength herself to tell her mom to shut it. Once she hears from you that her mom’s soap opera bs is laughable, she’ll learn to tune it out for the bs it is. At 14, I would never believe my dad started dating a guy to get back at my mom- because how would that even work??
And congrats on finding your person! Weird connection lol but whatever.
Glad you let your daughter know the ex is a cheater. So many people are dumb and don’t tell them and then the ex lies and says you cheated.
I think I’ve seen this episode of Jerry springer before.
You tell your daughter your ex is mistaken. That you had no clue your bf was related to her AP, and you don’t care. If ex is upset by your relationship, that is on her to deal with, that her emotions and feelings stopped being your issue to deal with a long time ago.
Saying it like this to your children does not “talk bad” about your ex wife, it is fact.
NTA- love who you love and don’t let her ruin that love again.
Your ex is so trash. NTA. Ignor the bad energy and stay happy with the man you love. Her mean spiritedness will screw her, not you or your daughter, as you both know the truth of the situation.
NTA – why did the AP have to meet him? He gets no say in regards to your kids, how did he react also? And finally, this is fucking hilarious haha, if they hate eachother, why would your ex care? Because they won’t have to meet or be in public settings together?
NTA. Congratulations on finding a good partner. Male/male relationships typically have considerably more sex and significantly less DV. You traded up.
NTA, look at your daughter and tell her the following, “I’m so sorry that you mom dragged you into this and she shouldn’t have. The next time she starts saying something, look her in the eyes and tell here that it is between you and dad and walk away. Try to never let someone put you in the middle of an argument between two other people.”
NTA, op I think she is upset you moved on and with a man too! And has framed this “as you meddling in the family”. She may believe she was the best thing to happen to you. Sadly realising she isn’t.
She cheated she literally has no say at all who you can date. I am hardly surprised she made your dating life about her. Cheaters think the world revolves around them. It’s a shame she is bad mouthing you to your daughter. Just further proves she is piss poor morally. I get narcissistic vibes from her
Op revel in your new found relationship, may you thrive. Onwards and upwards. Please update us when you attend your first family bbq with you all.
>We started off slow … Around the two month mark in March we told my kids about us
Yeah, that’s not what “slow” means. But that’s not an issue. This
>I’m trying to ruin her happiness by interfering
Is completely unhinged, and this
>started to talk to our daughter
Is some pretty vile manipulation, the kind that gets custody renegotiated. You need to document it and make sure it gets to your lawyer.
It’s pretty bananas that they way your ex thinks she’ll bond with her daughter more is to double down on claiming all her affair partners extended relatives as being necessary for her happiness.
Congrats to you on your new found happiness. Call your lawyer right now.
This has to be AI.
Nta but bet you were gay the entire marriage
Your ex can go kick rocks. NTA
What do you do? You give your daughter tools to communicate. You don’t have to say it’s about her mother, when she’s telling it’s about her mother. What you could is create relatable scenarios. “What happens when there is a conflict at school between two groups? How do you respond if asked what you think and that makes you uncomfortable?” She can answer and you can help. That way you’re not saying anything about her mother (even if she is) but you’re giving her relatable advice that she can then apply to that situation.
May be time to get therapy for your Daughter. I doubt your ex-wife would behave any differently if you were happy with another woman who was related or not to her affair partner.
She’s busy deflecting from HER bad behavior and trying to alienate your Daughter from you any way she can confuse and absolve herself.
Happy for you and Chris! Definitely NTA!
NTA
If I was you I’d be tempted to be super petty and tell your ex that it’s thanks to her you was able to find someone who actually loves you
She is the one trying to interfere in a relationship, yours….. Your daughter is old enough to understand it.
Then is the AP married or divorced because of the affair? Or maybe her OP’s family doesn’t like her, just because she is a cheater.
You just have to tell your daughter the truth and trust that she believes you, because she knows you. I’m happy for you for finding love again. Good luck Hun. NTA
I want to say Jerry…Jerry…Jerry!
NTA , sounds like the ex is jealous
NTA. You should talk to a lawyer regarding an order from the court telling your wife not to say such shit to the kid (yes, they can do that). They might back her off a bit. Also, congrats man, very happy for you
Nta you do understand your ex is going to cause problems no matter who you move on with because she’s that type of person. Tell your kids the truth, your son knows how you met since he is who introduced you, innocently, and since your daughter is old enough to understand why you were divorced, she’s old enough to understand people who have to make everything about them, even when it has nothing to do with them.
Go. Be happy and put the ex in the past.
NTA. You’re ex is a horrendous person
Tell her if she keeps this up she’ll ruin the already bad relationship she has with your daughter
2 months isn’t slow. It’s rushing.
Ex is a bitch. Date who you wanna date.
I’d kick off if my ex was introducing a partner of 8 weeks. 6 months is normally the minimum when dating as a single parent.
You play the long game and make the right calls and conversations now, as you would to a more mature and older kid. Because reason makes sense sooner or later, and you will by so be the one she have a better relationship with.
Basically you tell her it’s not fair that her mom involves her, nor that any adult never should involve the kids like she is doing. You have to say something and to make a point, without her mom turning it back to you with even worse behavior.
NTA. Whoever you date is none of her business and you need to tell her that.
You tell your daughter the truth.
You did not know. And how would you have even known to begin with?
Your ex can sod off.
She has no business telling you who you can and can’t date. She lost that privilege when she decided to date while still married.
She didn’t ask your permission to move her side-piece-promoted-to-partner into the family home. And you didn’t get a say when she decided he was going to be stepdaddy to your kids.
1, CONGRATULATIONS!!!
And Welcome to the Family! 2, The Only thing you really can do is try to sit down and calmly talk it out. Put it all down in writing if you need to so you don’t forget and make sure to drive the points that it is Imperative she stop bringing Adult Situations to y’all’s Non Adult Child!!! That is a HUGE NoNo and that needs to be a No No for ALL situations moving forward!
If coparenting becomes problematic now that you’re finding happiness that should tell you a lot. But ultimately you both have to come up with a co parenting agreement. What you both expect and need out of the co parenting relationship and what even what braking those boundaries might look like so no one is surprised by moves made.
Good luck with everything sweets. And again, congrats on your new life!
Oh yeah, So NTAH!!
I think it’s really funny that she thinks you, what, became gay to troll her?
NTA oh no, the fact that the cheater is in fact a cheater will follow her around with the new fam. Boo, and if I may add, hoo. Poor her. If she didn’t want to be thought of poorly then perhaps she should have acted with integrity. Some stains don’t wash off, ever.
Cut contact immediately. Parenting app and if need be go through the courts. Send her a simple text stating she crossed a line and you no longer wanna deal with her outside the app unless its foelr emergencies.
your ex has done enough to your daughter. you need to tell her straight up to leave her out of this, otherwise you’ll take your her to court and have her custody revoked/reduced. NTA
NTA.
So let’s cut to the chase here, unless OP had ever questioned his sexuality with his ex, her entire suspicion falls apart. People don’t choose either their sexuality or their attraction, and most certainly would not seek out a same-sex relationship for revenge. Further, the fact she thinks OP could “choose” his orientation raises other very concerning questions about her views on sexual orientation.
Beyond the ridiculous nature of her accusation, what will she do if one of their children comes out later. Will she believe it is a choice?
OP, continue to enjoy your relationship, and ignore the drama from the ex. If she continues to say BS to your daughter, remind her that parental alienation is a reason to get custody revisited, and that she needs to stop it now. Also, talk to your daughter and explain that you are not trying to hurt anyone, and that love sometimes falls out of the blue.