Hi! Before I start to explain would like to professe this by saying I understand this is delicate family situation but I had the green light to post this from the girlfriend and we would really like others opinions on this and if I’m in the wrong
My 16 year old brother ( Luca) suffered from a severe traumatic brain injury (TBI) back in October after a serious football incident. Since then, he’s not really himself. He can barely walk, has speech problems ( sometimes has trouble forming sentences, stutters a lot ), violent angry outbursts and overall cognitive delays He’s slowly trying to recover, but he’s really struggling even with all the therapy .
Couple weeks ago , his 15 year old girlfriend ( Bailey) found out she was pregnant with his baby. She told me right away ( as we’re extremely close and she’s like a little sister to me) , and said that she wanted an abortion but that she didn’t want to tell Luca right now because he was already struggling and she thought this would be another added stress to his life . I supported her and took her to get it. At the time I didn’t consider all the negative repercussions this was going to have and in that moment I thought it was doing the right thing.
The morning I was going to take her , a few hours before , I sent a message in a group chat (which included me, her, and my boyfriend Milan ) asking how she was feeling with this whole pregnancy and if she was experiencing any nausea etc . Milan was driving Luca to a therapy appointment and asked Siri to read the message I had just sent out loud. Siri read both my message and her response, which was “yes” to the nausea question .
My brother realized she was pregnant and asked my boyfriend to turn the car around so he could go see her, with a huge smile on his face . Obviously in this situation Milan realized he fucked up , and tried to convince my brother that they go on to the appointment because it was important for his recovery.. Luca had an outburst in the car so boyfriend turned the car around and they ended up going back home.
Meanwhile, Bailey and I went to the clinic for the abortion.
When my brother got home and ahold of his phone , he sent a dozen of voice messages (since he can’t type due to the injury ) to Bailey saying he was so excited to be a dad , and that they could do this together, even though they were young. I had Bailey’s phone wall she was getting the procedure done so I didn’t see any of the voice memos and neither did she . After it was over we went back to my house , only to find Luca waiting for us greeting Bailey saying this was the best news of his life and it was the best thing that ever happened to him since the injury and he was so happy to go on this path with the love of his life etc .
I stood there in shock because I didn’t realize Luca knew about this . Milan had tried to call me to tell me but I didn’t see that until later. So yeah Luca told her all this and Bailey started to cry and told him she had already had the abortion. My brother got enraged , I had never seen him so mad angry upset all at the same time . He told her to leave, and since then he hasn’t left his room, hasn’t responded to her messages, isn’t eating much, and is skipping his appointments and medication.
He’s also very very mad at me because Bailey told me before him and also because I took her to get the abortion . He won’t talk to me either
The whole family is stressed out.
I have three other siblings my parents also have to worry about who are teenagers , and for a little context I’m 25 , the oldest sibling out of 5 with two newborn twins so already there’s a stress for me about being a new parent but with my brother and all of this it’s just added stress. Plus my parents are having trouble paying all of Lucas medical bills and overall it’s been very hard for my family . My parents are trying their best but don’t know how to handle this. I’m also blaming myself because I didn’t try and convince Bailey to tell Luca first and feel like Im the one in the wrong in all of this
I would really appreciate any thoughts or advice❤️
Edit :
Reading all these comments . Thank you so much for the feedback . Reading each comment . Also I would like to add Bailey told me and Milan at the same time . I wouldn’t have told Milan about it if she hadn’t because it’s not my business too and it’s a very private matter . She went to both of us .
Comments
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Original copy of post’s text by /u/blakedelessio:
Hi! Before I start to explain would like to professe this by saying I understand this is delicate family situation but I had the green light to post this from the girlfriend and we would really like others opinions on this and if I’m in the wrong
My 16 year old brother ( Luca) suffered from a severe traumatic Brian injury (TBI) back in October after a serious football incident. Since then, he’s not really himself. He can barely walk, has speech problems ( sometimes has trouble forming sentences, stutters a lot ), violent angry outbursts and overall cognitive delays He’s slowly trying to recover, but he’s really struggling even with all the therapy .
Couple weeks ago , his 15 year old girlfriend ( Bailey) found out she was pregnant with his baby. She told me right away ( as we’re extremely close and she’s like a little sister to me) , and said that she wanted an abortion but that she didn’t want to tell Luca right now because he was already struggling and she thought this would be another added stress to his life . I supported her and took her to get it. At the time I didn’t consider all the negative repercussions this was going to have and in that moment I thought it was doing the right thing.
The morning I was going to take her , a few hours before , I sent a message in a group chat (which included me, her, and my boyfriend Milan ) asking how she was feeling with this whole pregnancy and if she was experiencing any nausea etc . Milan was driving Luca to a therapy appointment and asked Siri to read the message I had just sent out loud. Siri read both my message and her response, which was “yes” to the nausea question .
My brother realized she was pregnant and asked my boyfriend to turn the car around so he could go see her, with a huge smile on his face . Obviously in this situation Milan realized he fucked up , and tried to convince my brother that they go on to the appointment because it was important for his recovery.. Luca had an outburst in the car so boyfriend turned the car around and they ended up going back home.
Meanwhile, Bailey and I went to the clinic for the abortion.
When my brother got home and ahold of his phone , he sent a dozen of voice messages (since he can’t type due to the injury ) to Bailey saying he was so excited to be a dad , and that they could do this together, even though they were young. I had Bailey’s phone wall she was getting the procedure done so I didn’t see any of the voice memos and neither did she . After it was over we went back to my house , only to find Luca waiting for us greeting Bailey saying this was the best news of his life and it was the best thing that ever happened to him since the injury and he was so happy to go on this path with the love of his life etc .
I stood there in shock because I didn’t realize Luca knew about this . Milan had tried to call me to tell me but I didn’t see that until later. So yeah Luca told her all this and Bailey started to cry and told him she had already had the abortion. My brother got enraged , I had never seen him so mad angry upset all at the same time . He told her to leave, and since then he hasn’t left his room, hasn’t responded to her messages, isn’t eating much, and is skipping his appointments and medication.
He’s also very very mad at me because Bailey told me before him and also because I took her to get the abortion . He won’t talk to me either
The whole family is stressed out.
I have three other siblings my parents also have to worry about who are teenagers , and for a little context I’m 25 , the oldest sibling out of 5 with two newborn twins so already there’s a stress for me about being a new parent but with my brother and all of this it’s just added stress. Plus my parents are having trouble paying all of Lucas medical bills and overall it’s been very hard for my family . My parents are trying their best but don’t know how to handle this. I’m also blaming myself because I didn’t try and convince Bailey to tell Luca first and feel like Im the one in the wrong in all of this
I would really appreciate any thoughts or advice❤️
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Nta. Bailey knew 15 is too young to have a kid with another kid. Your mistake was texting about it. Your brother is in no way prepared to raise a kid. and please take her back to get long term birth control, she needs it badly. Your brother may have done this on purpose to keep her from escaping his violence and anger.
As a man…
Her body.. her choice….
Like I advise all my youngins I mentor … once you deposit your semen in her, you lose all your control and power to tell her what to do… all you can do is make a request and provide support
A 16 yo with a traumatic brain injury is not ready to be a father. Especially since he seems to have such severe emotional regulation issues. A 15yo girl should not be forced to be a mother to make him happy. You did the right thing, NTAH.
This is a plot line on The Fosters.
Are you in the USA or another place where she could be in danger with people knowing about the abortion? Where are her parents and did they consent?
Honestly, if you are in a safe place (state or country that is better about abortion healthcare) – you take this to the therapist and you go with the therapist’s recommendation.
It is unfortunate that you didn’t see the messages that he found out as the little white lie of a miscarriage wouldn’t have been amiss here.
Also, I’d keep Bailey away from your brother at the moment. He has a TMI, and his impulse/anger may get the best of him around her at the moment.
NTA you absolutely did the right thing. Where you screwed up was not being careful who you were texting.
A sixteen year old—one with a traumatic brain injury, no less—is absolutely NOT ready to be a father. Even if he was, it’s ultimately her decision whether or not to go through with the pregnancy. You supported her and her decision, that’s what matters here.
There’s no easy path in this situation but there is a correct path, and you followed it. Regardless of anything else, 15-year-old who doesn’t want to be a parent should not have to be. And your brother doesn’t sound anywhere near capable of being a single dad, and despite his feelings, this is not his choice.
You did a very hard thing for very good reasons. I’m so glad Bailey has you!
NTA. But your brother has absolutely every right to his feelings and I can totally see how he would feel hurt and betrayed. In some ways, his feelings are justified. It’s not just that his girlfriend chose not to tell him that she was pregnant and getting an abortion, it was the fact that 3 people he loved actively chose to hide it from him. I think it would be different if it were just his girlfriend and you. When it expands past that, it likely also plays into all of his emotions about his TBI, how he feels different and how people are treating him like he’s incapable of handling big emotions, which may be true but it doesn’t make it any less painful. None of that changes the fact that you were there for his girlfriend during a very difficult time and it wasn’t your information to tell. If it were me I would just do a lot of validating. His grief is real and justified just as her decision and your action to help her is valid and justified
Keep us Updateme!
Updateme
15 is WAY TOO YOUNG TO HAVE A CHILD
You saved that girl’s life, the stress would have killed her young body.
And your brother would have been a terrible father, especially with how he reacted to hearing about the abortion. Imagine him turning that anger on the kid? NTA at ALL
You are NTA for helping someone obtain medical care.
Ever.
Period.
Woooooow. Oh, wow. This is so incredibly heartbreaking, nothing about this post is positive. You stress the fact that your brother has a traumatic brain injury and is currently impaired, enough to support his girlfriend getting an abortion behind his back (for reasons not related to abuse, etc.). If he is so impaired, why are you not upset with his girlfriend for having sex him? How profoundly thoughtless, even for a 16 year old. Why did you involve your boyfriend? Did your boyfriend know what you were doing at the time? If so, he is a moron for asking to literally have Siri read the message aloud? I just think now that your brother knows, this has all turned to complete shit. And yes good for you for being there for his girlfriend, I guess. Like I said, nothing positive about this post. Slight AH for making such a huge decision without thinking of the fallout when it literally involves your brother. Who is literally in the midst of (hopefully) fighting for a chance to fully recover
Okay, you are NTA for the topic sentence. You allowed Bailey to chose what was right for herself, and supported her.
But where you became an AH was sharing this with anyone else. Whether Bailey said it was okay or not, you should never have told her personal medical information to Milan or anyone else.
Edit: see response from OP, Bailey told them both, Milan may wish to be more careful about listening to private messages when driving, but this was a communication error extravaganza…
NTA. You did the right thing. Now hopefully Bailey will get on BC and they start using condoms. They’re not ready for children.
Who sends a group text about an abortion? Give me a break!
NTA You did the right thing. It is/was the FIFTEEN YEAR OLD’S body and her decision. Your 16 YEAR OLD brother IS NOT ON HIS RIGHT MIND and in for a long recovery time, and quite possibly will not completely recover. Although I sincerely hope he does. I am very sorry this happening to your family and the girlfriend, but your family needs to get your brother back on track with his healing.
What kind of stupid person fu**s with a teen with brain damage ,and without protection???
NTA for helping a young girl in a difficult situation but YTA for not telling your brother beforehand or having Bailey tell him.
Soft YTA because your heart was in the right place. At 25, I would have made the same mistake. As a much more mature adult, I would have encouraged her to go to her parents/trusted family member. You should be there as her friend, not a surrogate mother.
If she’s so afraid of your brother’s delicate condition, then they had no business risking sex to begin with, let alone unprotected sex. She’s 15!!!
You are just barely an adult yourself. I hope you can get your brother some counseling, because he’s grieving. He had the excitement of becoming a dad and loss of a child in a manner of hours. None of you all were thinking before acting.
By trying to “protect” your parents, you essentially created more stress for them by hiding the truth. I hope you learned that hiding the truth only results in pain at the end. Being an adult means owning your mistakes. You should role model this for the younger kids as well, and encourage them to always tell a trusted parental figure/teacher–ie, not you/sibling –who has the life knowledge and wisdom to give good advice.
NTA. I k own it sucks seeing your brother so upset but you did the right thing. There’s no way Bailey could parent right now, and your brother needs to heal from his TMI. You did the right thing and I’m glad she had you for support.
YTA. Your brother should have had a say. Fathers have rights.
NTA.
You didn’t encourage her to do the procedure, she chose it for herself. You need to tell your brother that… the issue is communication
Nta kids are 15 and 16 one with uncwrtain future when it comes to stability. She would have to do everything. He also has violent outburst i wouldnt give him baby
Except for texting your boyfriend you did well. Your brother is a child and can’t take care of a baby with his disabilities.
You’re an asshole for communicating about her pregnancy over text. That’s just not discrete
Nta
Didn’t read didn’t need to
You’ve done a great service to that child and society as a whole. Also and I can not stress this enough how weird it would be for you to talk about her reproductive organs with a person that’s not her let alone some without a uterus entering the chat that’s not a certified medical professional.
He is a 16 year old teenager. He shouldn’t have children. If he wants to play daddy he can help taking care of his siblings. Right now it would be all on her.
She is 15 and should only be responsible for herself. Your brother needs therapy.
I hope he gets the help he needs. Until then it’s best for Bailey to stay away from him if he keeps treating her like that.
Since the gf mother isn’t really in the picture, please sit her down and talk birth control, also talk about your brothers illness and how she might want to take a step back. He’s not thinking clearly and he might try to (force) her into making another baby.
NTA. Bailey trusted you to get the help she needed, and her gut was right about you. You’re amazing! I’m so glad she has you.
Her body, her choice (Bailey’s). Luca never even needed to know. He’s 16 with a TBI and a laundry list of problems and deficits from said injury. “(V)iolent angry outbursts”, in particular, do not make for prime parenting. He can’t even take care of himself; how’s he going to be a father to an infant? All that is without even getting into the financials.
If Bailey and Luca stay together, please help her get on some kind of birth control that has a high success rate, perhaps an IUD with the strings cut in such a way as to be imperceptible by any sexual partner.
Bailey is a 15-year old child. You just saved her life (not in a life or death way). But actually kinda in a life or death way.
Can you help her make arrangements to go live with her dad in CA? Is he less maga/fundie than her mom?
Not the ideal family to welcome a baby
Btw, that girl had sex with a person who is violent and does not control his emotions. That is concerning.
You texting your boyfriend (group chat) about it made my skin crawl.
You should hade kept this between her and you
>My 16 year old brother ( Luca) suffered from a severe traumatic Brian injury (TBI) back in October after a serious football incident. Since then, he’s not really himself.
…But is the Brian okay?
NTA. Your brother’s reaction probably has a lot to do with the TBI. I understand it’s stressful, but he’s a minor. Your mom and dad need to get on top of things and make sure he’s going to all his therapies and taking his mess. He’s not capable of rational decision making. I’ve been thru this. When my sister was 15 she suffered 3 TBI in a car accident where she was the only survivor. The accident also killed our mother. Our father died a year later so she came to live with me. It’s a very long, hard road but she did make a full recovery. You were there for a young woman who doesn’t seem to have much support. You did the right thing for her. Your brother will eventually get over being mad, but an unwanted baby at 15 is forever.
NTA you saved these kids from so much strife. Being a sophomore is hard enough without learning to parent with a baby daddy that may have permanent brain damage and is having violent outbursts as a result of it. Having a TBI is hard enough without learning how to parent an infant and how to support his GF and child. There’s no way either of them were going to be able to thrive in life with a baby.
I hope they abstain for a while. She is still under age. He could at least theoretically be a criminal for having sex with her. You definitely did the right thing. Make sure she is ok. Your bro has a lot of healing and growing up to do, and she does not need any guilt tripping. She had the harder part, and needs time to heal. He may understand the reasons when he has had time to cool down. If he does not, maybe she should dump him. She is the one whose life would have changed forever more than his.
NTAH. No 15 and 16 year olds should be raising a child under even the best of circumstances. With your brother’s ongoing medical issues, he is definitely not in a position to be a father at this point in his life. I don’t know what Bailey’s thought process was, but I imagine that she understood this and made the decision based on what she felt was best for everyone. She’s lucky that she had you to go to with this and that you were willing to help. So many teens end up in positions like this with no one to turn to. Unfortunately, there isn’t much you can do about Luca’s reaction, but it’s more important now than ever before that he gets therapy.
NTA. Your brother has no business being a father at this point in time in his life. He’s a child and, furthermore, can’t make any money in his current state to provide for a family. You did the best thing you could for them. Please ensure your brother’s girlfriend gets on birth control or you have a conversation with your brother on the importance of condoms.
You would have been the AH if you told him. That was her decision and hers alone. Your brother is going through a lot, your whole family is and it sounds like you are doing the best you can in a very difficult situation.
NAH
You did the right thing.
Your brother finding out was a fluke accident.
Morally, it’s a grey area, when a woman (in this case even a child) is pregnant, that the father of the baby should have a right to know.
But from the POV of what’s best for everyone, including the father of the baby, if the woman (girl) has made the decision to terminate, involving the father of the baby in a decision that’s already been made is pointless.
The possible reactions are relief (so involvement doesn’t add much)
Or disagreement, which adds pressure to change the decision, and hurt, back and forth.
Your brother is in no way capable of being a father, right now. And his current actions are very much proving that.
I’m afraid his relationship isn’t going to last.
And that’s okay.