I went on 4-5 dates with this guy I met on Bumble. We hit it off really well at first, he was funny and smart, and our conversation would go for hours on end. For preface, I’m Chinese and he’s Russian. During the first 1-3 dates, he would make off-handed racist remarks about asian people (i.e. chinese people eating dog, thailand have ladyboys, etc.), but he was obsessed with Japan (insane, I know). He loves everything Japan, the food, the language, the culture, and thinks of himself as an “awesome samurai warrior” just because he took a single samurai class in Japan.
I brushed off the first 2-3 comments because he seemed really nervous and babble and I wasn’t sure if I was going crazy because he’d immediately move onto another joke. I have told him in all seriousness “I didn’t find these jokes funny” and he’d apologize and say he’d never do it again. Well today, he made another off-handed remark (like it just slips out of him), and I had enough. I said I finished my meal and was ready to go home, which he didn’t mind because we been at the place for 3 hours at that point.
I drove back home and he sent up a follow up msg that it was nice seeing me blabla. I told him I wasn’t interested in him anymore, and he was surprised given we had held hands and kissed on the 3rd date. I think as a girl, I tend to come off as being interested or welcoming by laughing and still interacting with him despite it all. So he was surprised by my sudden rejection, and I told him the truth.
I laid it on thick. I told him he was an “racist who needs a reality check and should stop fetishizing japan because no normal asian woman would ever date you, and the Tiktoks you keep spamming me were annoying and not funny at all. leave me alone.”
He blocked me afterwards and when I told my friends about what happened, they said I was such an asshole in the way I acted (by giving him signals I was interested) and the way I texted him that rejection, but I don’t think I am.
AITAH?
Comments
NTA
I won’t call you an asshole but I just don’t get how this guy comfortably made racist jokes in front of you and in your mind you thought “oh he will change for me”.
NTA though but you should have ended after the first racist comment.
YTA
So you held hands and kissed someone you thought was a racist?
NTA.
NTA, and for all the people who are weirded out about the kissing/holding hands w a racist. AS A WOMAN – ITS EASIER TO CATER TO THE MAN ESPECIALLY WHEN THEY ARE -IST! YOU DO NOT KNOW HOW THEY WILL REACT TO REJECTION IN PERSON AND ITS BETTER TO FAKE IT UNTIL YOURE OUT OF THE VICINITY.
You tried. You probably were interested at first. But then he showed you a side you didn’t like. You told him his racist jokes weren’t funny and he said he’d stop. He didn’t. You told him the truth. That you were no longer interested and why. How would that make you the AH? More people need to be truthful with people like him. It probably won’t make a difference but you tried. End of story and NTA.
NTA. You gave the guy a chance, and he blew it. Now he knows how he blew it.
ESH
NTA.
You could have just blocked him. Instead you offered an explanation and now you’re blocked and people are mad at you.
I think you’re starting to understand why people just block people cold from the beginning.
Live and learn
Women need to stop apologizing for having standards. NTA
>I think as a girl, I tend to come off as being interested or welcoming by laughing
Girl first off, STOP!! Stop thinking that you misled someone by being nice and friendly. Your friendliness showed you were happy to talk with him, Yes, but your stern disapproval equally showed that you don’t like his racist jokes.
If one can be taken as an indication, then so is the other.
He tipped the scale on his own.
NTA
(PS: he may have an Asian fetish)
A lot of asians are racist against chinese. Only the westernized women get so bent about it. Just make sure that in 20 years you’re not yearningly looking back on those moments because it is quite possible that the most attractive person you’ll ever meet might be an ist or a phobe or a whatever.
NTA.
NTA good job sis 😂
NTA
>He blocked me afterwards
Problem solved.
Your explanation to him was reasonable. I was honestly expecting a lot worse. You were more polite than you could have been, given what he had been saying.
Racism is never ok. And if you’re the only one laughing at your “jokes”, they weren’t funny. He treated you poorly out the gate, and you made a good decision to call him out for being TA.
NTA
NTA, dude is a racist with yellow fever
NTA. As an American with both Japanese and Chinese ancestry, I no longer just ghost people for making negative comments about race. I call them out first. Some truly are ignorant and haven’t learned why what they’re saying is racist or problematic. If I can educate those people, that’s great. However, I am not deluded enough to think that they can all be educated. With the folks who are just plain racist and showing their true colors, I still call them out in the hopes that if they get negative feedback enough times, they’ll at least consider just shutting their mouths when they think of saying something racist.
NTA. I’m sorry, your friends are wrong. You told him his racist crap bothered you and he kept doing it.
If you didn’t call him out, he’s just going to keep being an ass. FWIW, it’s ok to get emphatic with a racist who doesn’t see the problem with it. Maybe it will sink in, maybe it won’t but you know you did what felt right to you.
SOMEONE need to tell this guy he had a fetish that was bothering them. If he wants to follow that kink, let him check out the kink community and see how THEY feel about it, see if there are Japanese women who are seeking to be on the other side of that fetish 🤷♀️
But he needed to be told. You’re good.
NTA. I can tell by his immediate blocking of you that he didn’t understand at all what you said to him. He needed a dose of harsh reality but racists are really hard to get through to. Just accept it as a bullet dodged. I’m surprised any “friend” would tell you that you’re in the wrong here. Almost sounds like you need some better friends.
But you were interested, until you weren’t.
That moment you decide you weren’t interested anymore, you told him so.
No leading on, no mixed signals. NTA, you were honest and direct. A better person than him would take this opportunity to better himself.
NTA drop the idgits that sided with him, they aren’t your friends. You dodged a racist fetishist and they are calling you an ass?! Are they weird ass fetishists too?
As far as appearing interested on the last date, I’d have done that too. For safety. I can count over a handful of times how many racist fetishists, especially the ones fascinated by Japan, trying to get stabby with a sword or kunai cuz I had the audacity to not agree on some racist stereotypes. It’s safer and easier tell them you are no longer interested when there is distance between you.
You didn’t lead him on, you were interested and when he showed this side of himself, you told him exactly how you felt. It may have been blunt but it got the point across and the reality check was truthful.
NTA
That’s all kinds of wrong 😑!!
NTA I would better have people telling me the harsh truth than lying to me
Yeah NTA. Women are reamed if they ghost, they’re reamed if they’re honest.
You actually did this guy a HUGE favor by being truthful. I doubt he’ll change but the world thanks you.
NTA Your friends are idiots.
AH. Speaking facts is not racist. For example, the one thing everyone knows about Thailand is ladyboys. There is the whole movie about it – the hangover. And China is the largest consumer of dog meat.
Next thing you’ll be offended by calling tall people tall.
You’re not the asshole, he disrespected you and your culture multiple times, and you had every right to call it out and walk away.
I’m French Asian, you did well. Enough with those fetishist weebs. White guys think we want them so badly, time for a reality check.
I get the sense that he’d have dumped you for a Japanese woman, given the chance.
He seems like a racist and a fetishist.
NTA for being bluntly honest to a guy like that. He probably needs it.
Ditch the friends they’re probably racist too.