Hey all
So my wife’s birthday party was tonight,
And invited a few mutual freinds she requested, drinks, games and chill vibes
My wife had a few to drink and was having a good time,
We started mid after noon, and by the time it got to about 10pm, after cake guests started to leave,
Everyone but Grant,
Grant is a guy I went to school with in primary and highschool, we lost contact for over 12 years and recently reconnected,
Grant and my wife realy get along,
He loves to tell story’s about me as a child, and realy pushes the historical connection between us,
As most times he comes over Grant kinda just stuck around, he has this habbit of staying way past when everyone else leaves.
I started to clean up a little and wind down,
At first I was happy to chill and talk, but it kept getting later and I wanted to head to bed,
The wife, still wanted to keep going a bit so I felt obligated to entertain for longer.
When it got to past 11:15, I asked if he was good to get home, and he said he hadnt drunk very much at all so he is good to get home, so i said casualy, “we should head to bed soon” but Grant just ignored me and kept pushing to watch another video on YouTube, and encouraged me to sit next to him on the couch.
Here is where is might be the ass hole,
I said ” hey I appreciate you coming but we are going to head to bed soon so please get the fuck out of our house” playfully, hoping he would get the point,
But he just played it off,
After I repeated myself “no seriously man its late” he just threw a stubbie cooler at me me saying “think fast” I ignored it and just shook my head as he said ” I get the feeling your trying to tell me something” and laughed.
So I doubled down,
“Mate please im tired its late, please head out”
He the played it off and try to imply he was joining us in our bed tonight.my wife was finding it funny but it made me uncomfortable.
My wife was enjoying egging him on, and I could tell she was kinda not done with the night. So I felt like the bad guy,
Grant then got up and said, “I know what you need” and tried to come over to massage my neck,
I immediately pulled away and said “please don’t touch me man”, but he tried to chase me a little, as I pulled away, and as I moved away he followed me his hands out toward me.
Eventualy I stopped and looked him int he eye and said, “mate seriously don’t touch me” and I continued to clean up, he tried to sneakily touch me still but eventualy he gave up and started to head out, my wife walked him out
Here is my issue with Grant,
He does this every time he comes over,
It’s kinda desuaded me from wanting him around, but my wife and Him seem to get along well and I don’t want o get in the way of her friendships,
Grant has seen me with my other close mates,
And my other close mates will joke and have a laugh like this, but none of them make me feel uncomfortable, and Grant does,
I can’t explain it, he’s a realy nice guy, kind, freindly and all but something about him makes me uncomfortable, even though he’s done nothing recently to warrant it.
Maybe I’m the asshole here for kicking him out and possibly putting a sour end to the night,
Last thing I wanted to do was ruin, my wife’s birthday celebrations,
I pulled my wife aside after he left and apologised if I had brought her night to an abrupt end.
but I explained how he was making me uncomfortable, expecialy when he tried to massage me and ingnored me when I asked him to stop trying to touch me and to leave.
She apologised for not backing me up, and tried to ensure me, she had a good night.
But Reddit, did I just over react here,
As I said, other freinds who im closer with will joke on simalar levels, but don’t seem to puch the envelope like Grant does some times expecialy since we haven’t realy been close for over 12 years. And even in highschool, we were not realy that close, just in the same circles,
Reddit, Am I Being an Asshole here?
Comments
You were right to set limits, and it’s okay to stand your ground when someone makes you feel uneasy, even if they don’t mean harm. Your feelings are valid.
However, it seems like your wife was still enjoying the night and didn’t back you up in the moment.
NTA. Grant repeatedly ignored your boundaries, overstayed his welcome, and made you physically uncomfortable. Joking is one thing, but chasing you around trying to touch you after you’ve clearly said no? That’s beyond disrespectful. Your wife should also recognize that your discomfort matters. You have every right to set limits in your own home. Trust your gut if he makes you uncomfortable, there’s a reason.
Not the AH at all. Setting boundaries, especially in your own home, is completely reasonable. Grant repeatedly ignored your comfort and that’s not okay. Trust your instincts—if he makes you uncomfortable, you don’t owe him endless chances.
NTA
Have another talk with your wife today, sober, and explain how you feel and about Grant.
As for Grant, you can try talking to him about it, but honestly, it doesn’t even sound like you’re that good of friends, just reconnected and reliving childhood memories. Just because your wife got along with him, doesn’t mean you need to invite in him into your close circle. You most certainly don’t need to invite him into your house again. He ignores social cues, invades personal space and just doesn’t have a clue it seems. You flat out told him to leave and he pretended he didn’t understand. Just because he can fun to hang out with doesn’t mean he needs to be in your house.
Well, seems like Grant is the type of guy who needs sledge hammer treatment…
After everybody left except him for hours, a host is allowed to call it a night at some point. As he seems like someone who needs a blunt “Party is over, please leave” you were too nice for too long.
NTA
NTA’s got some boundary issues for sure. You’re right to call bullshit when he’s all up in your grill after you’ve said “peace out.” I mean, shit happens but this guy seems pretty oblivious to personal space. Have a real chat with him about it next time so he doesn’t keep getting the wrong idea… if there even is a next time
NTA. Grant us banging your wife.
It sounds like you had every right to feel uncomfortable and ask Grant to leave, especially after he ignored your boundaries and continued to make you feel uneasy. Setting boundaries in your own home is important, and your discomfort should be taken seriously. It’s understandable that you were trying to keep the peace, but it was also important to assert your needs. It doesn’t seem like you were being unreasonable. Your wife acknowledging your feelings and apologizing for not backing you up shows that she understands your side. If you consistently feel uncomfortable around someone, it’s important to communicate that, and it doesn’t make you an asshole for doing so.
NTA. Also I would avoid anymore invites for Grant to your home. If you still want to try connecting with him try a neutral location like a bar or restaurant.
nta but you know you don’t have to be friends with someone that makes you uncomfortable and you don’t really like from the looks of it.
NTA, would your wife be ok with someone chasing them around trying to touch them? After saying no multiple times? I know if the roles were reversed and your wife was uncomfortable she’d raise hell with you.
NTA
He has ‘tendencies’ for a male. Unless you want him to keep feeling you up, stop inviting him. Plain and simple.
Okay, anyone else getting the impression Grant wants to fuck OP and maybe also his wife? Cause that’s the feeling I’m getting from this. It could explain why OP feels uncomfortable around the guy despite not really having a reason to be, he’s picking up on the one-sided sexual tension. And considering how the wife eggs him on, it makes me wonder if she knows and is into it. Anyway, NTA
NTA. Grant was coming onto you because he wanted a threesome, and your wife was giving vibes like she’d be into it. Open your eyes and don’t invite him over again. He’s a shitty, boundary stomping asshole guest.
NTA except for STILL EVER inviting him over!! Dude WHY?
He physically assaulted you (yes that’s what women call it when a man touches us after we have said No.)
but frankly your wife’s behavior is a little concerning too. It sounds a little like a set up.
Never invite him again and have a heart to heart with your wife on her behavior in this.
NTA. He could not pick up on what you were telling him. Maybe the mixed message from your wife. But, she apologized, so all good there.
Maybe he wanted to actually join you in bed for some personal time. ???????
I’d watch your ‘friend’ around your wife. Seems he has no idea about boundaries
Grant doesn’t respect you and your wife egging on really didn’t help, I get there is no insecurity between you both but she should of really agreed with you when you asked him to leave more than once.
Grant thinks your wife is up for a threesome and all he has to do is get you on board. That’s what the offer of a massage was about. Deep down you know why you’re uncomfortable you just don’t want to face up to what it means. Cut Grant off. Make it clear to your wife why you are doing it, you don’t trust him around her. Hopefully Grant was as wrong about your wife was up for as he is about you.
Edited to add If wife says you are overreacting make it clear that no man who jokes about having sex with your wife can be your friend and if she wishes to remain friends with someone who has joked about having sex with her then it will damage your trust in her and your marriage as a result.
Are you dyslexic?
Fake news
NTA
You kept setting up boundaries, and Grant kept ignoring them—for people like him, after some time of being polite and firm, the only thing you are forced to do is be rude (which you still were not).
Yeah you should definitely stop inviting that guy over, he seems like a creep.
NTA but you need to tell your wife you don’t want a threesome with him, and she’s cool to hang out with and/or fuck him without you, but you don’t want to be around him any more yourself.
> The wife, still wanted to keep going a bit so I felt obligated to entertain for longer.
So you need to be there all the time? It seems like you wanted to intrude in your wife and her friend hanging out. Just head to bed next time
I get the sense that Grant us either in the spectrum or attracted to you and/or your wife.
If you are going to have him over in the future, I would tell him “the party is til 10pm” or whatever time you want him to leave.
NTA
Honestly it seems that grant simply lacks boundaries. Also sounds like your wife gets wayyy too intoxicated to reason with
Old Irish saying:
“If you invite him to the wedding he stays for the Christening.”
Grant was hoping for a threesome….. NTA. If OP was a female, the situation would read very differently. Grant was definitely crossing the line and sexually harassed OP.
When I was a teen, our family dog was a (well-behaved) Doberman. When my parents had guests who were staying past a reasonable hour, they would enthuse about the dog and bring him in so the guests could meet him. That usually did the trick.
Your gut feelings shouldn’t be ignored. You have boundaries and as long as you communicate and enforce them without rudeness or disrespect, you’re NTA. You’re not an asshole for having feelings and opinions, it’s what you do with them and how you treat others that would make you an asshole. Sounds like Grant doesn’t always understand the assignment though
You don’t say what gender you are, but you are feeling the gut instinct that most women can pick up on when a predator is threatening. It’s very creepy that you say that he gets off on staying up and outlasting everyone else. If your friend group is the type that drinks until they pass out, Grant is the guy who takes advantage of that. Most important, he doesn’t think No means No. Definitely distance yourself from him, and don’t have him at your house again. NTA
It makes you uncomfortable because you don’t eff with Grant like that. Grant ignores social cues and boundaries. He also feels entilted to push because of your wife’s behavior. Seriously it sucks when you have to force someone to leave, but there are people who willingly put you in a position to have to be forceful.
I don’t know what kind of psychopath doesn’t leave after being TOLD to leave.
lol. OP is the boyfriend and doesn’t know it.
You did not overreact in any way. Grant tried to give you a massage, joked about joining you and your wife in bed, and won’t leave when you ask him to.
Listen to your gut and the bad feeling you’re feeling. You don’t know what kind of adult he has become, and it sounds like he wants to have a threesome with you and your wife.
Your other friends who joke around don’t try to touch you, not leave and break other boundaries. They don’t give you a bad feeling because they don’t push beyond jokes. This is very different than Grant.
Talk with your wife about the bad feelings you have. Explain how you feel and what you plan to do about it. Don’t invite him into your home anymore. If you’re meeting your friends out somewhere and he’s there- you can catch up on neutral ground. If your wife doesn’t support you, then you should watch your wife and how she behaves around him.
Don’t invite Grant into your home again. Start putting space between you two. Focus on your wife and family. That gut feeling you have is right.
NTA.
NTA. It’s your house I feel you have a right to kick people out whenever you want for almost any reason. The only thing I would have maybe done is pulled my wife aside and make sure she knew he needed to leave and have her asking him as well.
Grant has a crush on you and has since primary school.
NTA. No means no for unwanted attention even if you’re two blokes.
No. This is how you felt. I try and always stick to my gut feelings. Telling him to hit the road, something apparently other friends never told him, is what I would of done.
Dude your wife wants a threesome. She wants to get on with Grant and doesn’t mind you watching.
He should have left the first time you asked.
NTA. It’s good that you have an open line of communication with your wife. It’s important in any relationship. You should really sit Grant down and talk to him about this. If you want to take your relationship to the next level, you need that same kind of communication. 😉
All kidding aside, talk to him about it so you can move forward. It sounds like Grant might just be a little lonely if he’s trying to stay as long as he is.
Be done with him. Not sorry.
NTA! You set boundaries, & they were crossed. I’m not sure what his intentions are, but I would talk to him, in public, & explain they are firm & any violation is the end of the friendship.
Sounds like Grant definitely (and your wife maybe) wanted to have a threesome.
NTA. He’s a lingerer they’re the worst
I’m in this situation all the time with people that love to overstay their welcome. I’ve gotten to where I just say, “hey, its getting late, I better let you go.” If anyone doesn’t get that hint, they aren’t invited anymore. Grant is the type that needs his invitation revoked for a while.
At the beginning of the story I had a sense that maybe Grant was hoping to be invited into the bedroom with you both….. then I arrived at the part where he joked about it…. and I feel like maybe I should type “joked” about it to be more accurate.
Like those dudes who say shit to woman… and quickly follow it up with “just joking”… but in reality they are trying to gauge if there is any interest.
Yeah… I’d be wary of him too, tbh.
If he can’t take ‘get the fuck out’ as a hint then there no helping him. You should take a break from having him over for a while.
You’ve done nothing wrong and it’s good your wife understood her mistake in going against you.
“Wife, I understand we are friends with grant but I need a time out from him. I need you to really listen when I say my gut is off and I can’t explain it, I just really do not need the energy from a great night to be ruined. When everyone goes, everyone goes”
Are these occasions because you always host at your house? Can someone else host or meet people somewhere and you and your wife can leave whenever?
Try not invite him over everytime. I would definitely have the above talk with your wife so she’s on the same page and nothing can come as a surprise as you have spoken to her.
This sounds like a wife problem.
Worst of all, it seems like you don’t fully trust him, not that he just makes you feel uncomfortable. You obviously wouldnt want to leave your wife alone with him while you went up for bed, I dont think any guy in his right mind should, especially when there’s alcohol involved, but you may not mind as much if this wasn’t the case. If it was just you and grant and another friend, I’m sure you would say, okay fellas, you carry on, im going to bed. I think the vibe you’re getting is more so based on not fully trusting him. Even the joke of im joining you in your bed just gives a deviant mind vibe. I’m sure you’re getting this and quite honestly, you should listen to your instincts. Usually you’re right.
As far as how you spoke to him, you did so sternly, but he he still could care less or laughed it off. He obviously either ignores social cues or could care less about making you feel comfortable in your own home. If I were you I would definite limit time spent with him to just being out and about or public places to avoid this from happening.
Absolutely not. I’d watch Grant and your wife’s interactions with each other. I’d not invite him. He has zero respect for you and your boundaries.
Updateme
NTA
Your friend wants to have sex with you my dude.
Sounds like being direct beforehand might help. You and your wife need to agree ahead of time. If you invite him over, tell him the party ends at a particular time and you’d appreciate him heading out at that time.
If he gives you the creeps for some reason, then maybe don’t invite him.
I tend to trust my instincts. That plus the massage would make me think of ulterior motives. I’m not you but if I were I’d take some time away from him.
Are you sure your wife and him don’t have something going on? This felt like an awkward attempt at a threesome but your wife was egging him on. Your wife could see you wanted him to leave and didn’t respect that. Weird.
If this is truly about not understanding social cues then if you invite him over again have a set time he needs to leave.
Updateme
NTA, listen to your wife. I know someone like this, he doesn’t go into massage mode, but has no idea about the time to leave. Funny thing, he’s a Rhodes Scholar, sold his PHD project to google for mad ass money, but is completely, socially inept.
NTA, if Grant was your wife’s friend not yours, would you brush this behaviour off as just being something he does?
You say Grant has done nothing to warrant making you feel uncomfortable, I disagree, everything he’s done has been intended to make you uncomfortable.
He has some agenda here, it could be you or it could be your wife, but who knows.
Personally I would cut him out of my life completely. If you explained this to your wife and how uncomfortable he’s making you, I’m sure she would understand. I certainly don’t think you’d want him around your wife without you, for her safety.
Definitely not the asshole but your wife sure is!
NTA
Grant being the last one at the party (always) gives him plausible deniability if confronted about his behavior by law enforcement or other people not present – No other witnesses besides you and the wife
It would explain why he would stay up late after everyone is passed out (he and the victim)
Total creeper – AVOID – And tell everyone who will believe you; this is what he fears most
He must be crazy. Damn.