TW: sexual assault
The title says it all. My (26m) friend (26f), Ella (not her real name), of nearly 10 years is getting married in November. I like her fiance and think theyre a good match so i wanted to support them. Then we had a fight a few days ago.
We were at dinner with my girlfriend and some mutual friends. a pretty small gathering. For whatever reason, we were talking about dumb stories, mostly relationship ones and one of the other friends there brought up her “first time”. without missing a beat ella turns to me and says “why didnt you enjoy it”. i kind of tried to ignore it.
For context. I was raped when i was 15 or 16 years old. Ella knows this but i think shes always kept the notion that men cant be raped or that i mustve enjoyed being forced because i’m a man. This has bugged me before but it had gotten to a point.
After i didnt respond, instead of taking it back or just leaving it she said to a friend “they broke up so he calls it ‘rape’” in a condescending manner. i say “would you enjoy being raped” she looked offended or shocked (i dont know which) and i said “yeah. thought so.” i left as soon as i payed my part of the bill and told her to enjoy her wedding because i wont be there. After i left she was blowing up my phone, calling me an asshole for “implying that i should be raped”, and said “its not the same. youre a man” on top of this she said “let me guess [Gf name] ‘raped’ you too?” etc.
I was hurt by this and i stood strong on my decision but im thinking i may have been an asshole for implying she needs to experience it to understand, which i guess she took as me saying i want her to be raped.
So AITAH (sorry for the long post)
Comments
NTA… But you’re 100% an idiot because you still refer to her as “friend”.
NTA
She sounds insufferable and you need to find better friends.
You writing skills need work.
This is fictional and I give it a C-.
NTA. At all. I have many friends who have never been and never once would think about saying something like that to me or anybody else they knew that it happened to. It’s sad to say but some people really don’t have sympathy for people unless they themselves have been through that experience. Rape or any others. 100% would have no more contact with this person
NTA the double standard from your so called friend is unacceptable. Her belittling you in front of others should tell everyone there how she really is.
You’re the AH for calling this person a friend. Based on the numbers mentioned in your post, you met this person within a year or so of your assault, which was obviously a tumultuous period of your life. You were likely vulnerable and she disguised her red flags. But if you think about it, there will be other red flags in her behavior. This person is not your friend.
Please talk to a therapist and go LC with this person.
NTA
NTA
Unfortunately there’s still such a stigma when it comes to men being raped.
If this had never been prior discussed then it can be something more difficult to comprehend especially if penetration by you was forced without your consent. It’s the same stupid reason that in the Uk you have to have been penetrated with a penis to class it as rape otherwise it’s sexual assault.
Regardless of that though, this person knew and still decided to act like an idiot about it. The poor person she is marrying bc she’s TA 10000%
NTA
Except to yourself if you don’t block her immediately and never look back
Nta
But you all need to learn that letting someone drag you down to their level, is demeaning yourself.
You accomplished nothing, you became a worse version of yourself and you did it all FOR someone who mocked your rape.
Why? You could have just left and noped out of the wedding.
Don’t waste time on people who make you feel less than.
NTA, you didn’t even imply that she needs to experience it, you asked if she would enjoy it. I would go NC on her, she’s not worth your time or mental health. Girl bye 👋
And the audacity to ask if your gf raped you too, what the actual F???
What did the other friends say? What do they think? I would not let that shit slide if someone in my friend group said something slightly along those lines.
I REALLY REALLY HOPE this ISN’T karma farming. You’d have to be a sick arsehole to farm Karma from rape!!!
The friend is a DISGUSTING bitch, and I, personally would probably blast her arse all over social media, mainly to get in there first.
You would absolutely be an Arsehole to yourself if you considered keeping this “friendship”. Because “friends” DON’T blast personal business in front of people, nor do they downplay/make light of it.
I’m sure there are differences between male and female rape, but at the end of the day, if someone feels they were taken advantage of and either couldn’t/wouldn’t (fear) say no, or no was ignored. Then. They. Have. Been. Raped. End of story.
SHE IS NOT YOUR FRIEND!! A friend would never act like that! NTA
NTA. I’m a female who has been SA myself a few years ago. I fully believe and know can happen to men too!. I’ve known guys who went through it in their childhood to adult years. I’m so so sorry you’ve gone through that. On top of that. That’s not a real friend and probably never was. Sounds like she doesn’t get it and probably won’t. Unfortunately.
Also her saying you said that she should be raped basically is false and she’s just trying to turn it around on you to make you seem like your dramatic and the bad guy. The way she’s talking to you is shitty. And how she acted in a group of people. She wanted to get a rise out of you!.
She’s invaliding your feelings and trauma OP. A person who loves and cares about you. Values you and your friendship doesn’t do that!!. Your trauma is valid!. I don’t care if your a male or female. Getting SA and all is traumatic af.
I’m so sorry OP. Let that “friend” go. You deserve better. 🫂💜
Anyone can be sexually assaulted.
You’re not the AH. She needs to speak to a sexual assault hotline and find out a little about how often it happens, the damage it does.
It turns out it is just as traumatizing regardless of your gender.
She’s a horrible person mate. Walk away and keep walking. Anyone who minimises sexual assault isn’t your friend, but quite possibly she’s pressured a previous partner into sex. And doesn’t like the idea she’s sexually assaulted someone…
NTA, and you should cut this person out of your life forever.
First she ridiculed your assault and implied you were lying about it, then she twisted what was said to try to argue she’s the real victim.
There are actually-nice people in the world you can be friends with. Go find some of them. This woman is a vicious little monster.
Fuck that person. She sounds horrible. May she have the life she deserves.
NTA. Thats not a friend. Move on and dont look back.
How disgusting.
Ella isn’t a friend, I’d tell her to fuck all the way off. Her reaction is exactly the reason so many men never talk about their sexual assault and rape trauma. It took me nearly 15 years to talk about being sexually assaulted in college.
NTA
Her views on male rape are ill informed and ignorant. You have every right to draw a boundary with her.
She is no friend of yours.
If she thinks that males can’t be raped she’s completely stupid. I’m so sorry this happened to you OP.
Cut her out of your life and find better friends.
NTA that’s not what you said nor implied at all.
You’re good. I’m sorry for your shitty experience and shitty “friend” but you handled it about as well as you could.
She’s not your friend.
Yeah that friendship should have been over a long time ago. You need to ask yourself only one question:
Do you expose her or not? Which would mean you need to talk about your trauma.
Regardless, your fight and your absence from the wedding (yeah you’re not going I hope) will be a topic. You’ll get questions. And I guess she seems like the person who wouldn’t keep quiet about it and try to paint you as the villain.
What are you going to do?
NTA. She’s a piece of work. I can’t believe you stayed friends with her this long, considering she’s done this to you before.
NTA
And she isn’t a friend.
NTA. i’ve never understood the notion that “men can’t be raped,” and i say this as a woman. sometimes people include the asterisk of “men cannot be raped unless they were made to be intoxicated through drugs & alcohol,” but that does not necessarily have to be the case either. i think it comes from the thought that the man likely produced an erection if it’s an act of forced penetrative sex but like…there are also a lot of women who experienced an orgasm during their rape, and unfortunately proceed to struggle with that knowledge and feel shame for it for the rest of their lives. you cannot control your bodily reactions, and that’s all it is, no matter the gender. nothing more than a bodily reaction.
it’s all just a fucked mindset to me, and your ignorant “friend” is a piece of shit for perpetuating that belief.
OP, ditch this person. And stop calling her your friend. She isn’t. She made fun of your situation, and actively brings it up repeatedly. I have seen the “but men cannot be raped” double standard a lot, and let me tell you it pisses me off. Everything she is doing in this situation is a total AH move. And then she turns the situation on you, which makes things even worse. Taking someone’s trauma and mocking it or turning it against you is a huge red flag.
You are NTA AT ALL.
Wow…what a pu$$y you are. Unless you were raped by another man from behind, don’t play the victim.
Nta.
Shes totally rhe AH in every way.
nta also check out r/ptsd they’re pretty helpful and supportive there