Hi everyone, so I (31F) have been in a relationship with my boyfriend (33M) for about a year, although we had been friends for a long time before this. For some context, I don’t think academics or education level dictates how smart someone is but this is important for the overall story. I grew up as the first-born daughter of an immigrant family, was always expected to get straight A’s (and did), went to get my undergrad and then eventually completed my masters degree a few years ago. It’s not something I was passionate about but cultural/family pressure is why I did it and I don’t necessarily regret it, I have a stable career at a job I like now.
On the other hand, my boyfriend never graduated high school. He’s smart in other ways, like he can fix cars and toilets and mount a TV (I consider this a type of intelligence), and he can hold a convo on any topic because he’s an avid watcher of documentaries and really likes historical non-fiction. He also has severe ADHD that was never medicated and has never been able to keep a job (constantly fired because he has time-blindness and can additionally sleep through any alarm). His family supports him financially and unconditionally.
We’re both very different people and I always thought it was a strength, but I’m realizing now it may not be. He’s always had grand ideas for himself (wanted to become a famous actor, and then a game streamer, and then a horror novel writer etc…) and one day earlier this year he stated he wanted to become a mechanical engineer. He was very confident he could do it, and this time he actually took the steps to get his GED one day by enrolling in online classes, so he could finish high school and then apply to colleges after.
This is when things started to break apart. He started taking Chemistry (beginner) and Math (at the level someone in 11th grade would take) and I think began to quickly realize how difficult it was going to be after talking a big game. He’s not used to feeling “dumb”, he’s always the smartest one in his friend group and speaks over everyone else. I think his struggle with these high school topics did some damage to his ego and he began taking it out on me.
For example, on a night we were supposed to watch a movie, he wanted to study chemistry instead and so I sat next to him and studied with him. It was things like definitions of what covalent bonds, ionic bonds are, along those lines. I made a very casual comment like “oh cool, I get to learn this stuff too”. He looks at me, snorts, and says “You don’t know what a covalent bond is?”. The way he said it to me, it was like he thought I was the world’s biggest dumbass. I told him I haven’t touched this stuff in over 12 years so no, its not something I have stored in my brain.
In the coming weeks he would send me instagram reels related to chemistry/science. One of them was like 3 minutes long about a guy explaining how some machine works with chemistry using a lot of heavy jargon. I just jokingly said “wow thats cool and a lot of words”. He looks at me and goes “You didn’t understand that? It was all fairly simply concepts”. So this behavior was really starting to get on my nerves.
It kept happening and happening, even with other things too. For example, we were streaming a movie online and he dropped the call without saying anything and called me back twenty minutes later saying he fixed something and we can try again. I asked what the issue was, out of curiosity, and he said “I would explain it to you but you wouldnt understand. Go learn about tech stuff first and then I can explain it”. Later, I learned that his call dropped because he got the blue screen of death. Who the hell needs to learn tech stuff to have that explained to them?
Anyway, this was a behavior that persisted for months, where he would go out of his way to point out how dumb I am or how lacking in knowledge I am, and made it seem like a personality flaw that I didn’t know all the chemistry stuff he was learning (he completely never mentioned math because in fact I did know that stuff–I was a math tutor for 4 years while completing my undergrad). So by the time he finished that course with an 84%, I was just tired. He kept going around bragging to all his friends that he got an 84% in chemistry and that he “barely tried”. It gave me the ick because it reminded me of a middle schooler bragging about his report card and not a grown man trying to pursue an education in engineering.
The final jab was when he made a passing comment about how he just gets this science stuff more than me and is intuitively more interested in this stuff, that I told him, “16 year olds take this chemistry class every year and pass it easily, I’m not sure it warrants getting this much of an ego over” and he’s been pissed ever since. Was there a better way to have handled this? AITAH?
Comments
NTA
From the way you describe it, you weren’t randomly cutting him down – you were responding to months of condescension and little digs that would get under anyone’s skin. It sounds like his confidence in finally tackling academics crossed the line into ego and insecurity-fueled one-upmanship.
The “84% with barely trying” thing plus the way he’d point out what you “wouldn’t understand” honestly comes off more childish than celebratory. Your comment about high schoolers passing that class was blunt, sure, but it was also a reality check after he’d been putting you down for weeks.
You two are not just different, you are unsuitably matched. Move on. NTA.
And you are still with him why?
Here’s the deal: he’s insecure about his own lack of education & career. He desperately wants to feel like he has some knowledge that you don’t have. Either that, or he’s just an immature man-child. Or both.
NTA.
Your boyfriend is insecure about not knowing this stuff, so he’s putting you down to feel better. If he harps on you not knowing it, then he can feel superior. Call out his insecuritg and putting you down to feel better, and tell him the next time he does it the relationship is over.
NTA.
>”I would explain it to you but you wouldnt understand. Go learn about tech stuff first and then I can explain it”
My partner sucks at tech, has never gotten a chance to take interest in it. I’ve made a yt playlist for her with tech-related videos and occasionally teach her stuff as well (from binary to Python).
This is bare minimum.
If he has ego, that’s fine, but he should be teaching you chemistry or whatever instead of the “catch up to me first, then we’ll talk”.
Run away dude.
NTA. You are worth more than someone putting you down because of their success in something they should have learned over a decade earlier. Look at the way you started this post – you took 2 paragraphs preparing us about him to reassure us that even though he has failed in just about everything he’s started he’s really “pretty smart”. Why do you feel like you need “prepare” us before telling us what he’s actually like?
You are worth more than this.
Why are you with this arrogant absolute loser? Finishing school is like the human bare minimum. You literally have a university degree. Who the fuck does he think he is to talk down to you? His friends are even stupider? What a catch you got there!
He is THIRTY THREE, didn’t finish school, has never had a job, has never had to actually function like an adult, and treats people like shit. What are you doing?
Anyone who knows they have a condition like ADHD and refuses to self advocate or treat it seriously, is NOT your problems
Nta but you gotta shut this shit down NOW. If this persists, the relationship is dead and you know it. It shouldn’t have been going on for months. It should have been nipped in the bud right away. Now it’s a whole behavior and habit he’s going to have to unlearn and stop which is going to be a bigger challenge. Stand up for yourself. Tell him, one more time and you’re out.
Has he listened to experiences of ADHD adults that have medicated at all? It’s never too late and he could turn his whole life around.
Please leave this uneducated man child alone. He is insecure, constantly tries to belittle you and has an unhealthy inferiority complex. You are not on the same level and rather than praise your accomplishments, he tries to belittle you and others, with his basic knowledge. If your daughter was dating this manchild what would you say. He is a child, a 33 year old man, who is solely dependent on his parents. Why would you want this for yourself? Even if you overlook his lack of basic education because lots of people are not academic. There are millions of people who are uneducated, have disabilities, illness, learning difficulties but have been able to find a job, start a business etc. What is alarming is that he is not a functioning adult, at 33 years old he cannot provide for his basic needs. Girl run!
He sounds like a spoiled little boy.
Are “time blind” people ever early for something? I would figure that if you are blind to time, you can be early for stuff too, but seems to always be the other way around. Funny how that is, specially when he knows his family will cover for him unconditionally.
Also, NTA. What an insecure little man.
I refuse to believe this post is real. You saw a grown man who doesn’t have a high school degree, isn’t able to hold down a job, financially supported by his parents at 30, delusions about his career and decided to be involved with him.
NTA, this is a man who has to feel superior to someone otherwise he has a tantrum. Is that who you want to be with forever? You want him to be like this with any children you two might choose to have?
My God, how did you put up with this for so long and why are you still trying? He sounds incredibly rude and annoying!
If someone is truly comfortable with a concept/idea/subject, they can/should be excited to teach it to someone who shows interest.
Not in a hurry to point out they know it and you don’t.. This is very juvenile behavior.
Honestly it’s ok. You can talk to him and say your cool but you won’t accept him belittling you and not except to get some shit back.
Regardless you have a masters and he’s getting his GED. He’s putting you down because he’s overcompensating. That’s fear.
Tell him you’re here to help and want him to succeed, but if he keeps up disrespecting you his fear will come true and you’ll leave.
He’s been calling you an idiot for a long time and you’re still with him so maybe the man has a point
NTA on the other stuff though
He sounds like the asshole here. He’s belittling you to make himself feel smarter than you. That’s not something a person who loves you does. You might want to rethink this whole relationship.
ESH / INFO: Have you ever told him that it hurts you when he’s condescending?
Did you say anything, or did you just endure months of being told that “you wouldn’t understand” high-school material?
Never think you’re the smartest person in the room, and if you do, find a different room