I 28F have been best friends with Lily 29F since we were 14. We’ve been through everything together college, breakups, job changes, even living together for a few years. About a year ago, she started dating a guy named Sean 32M and I’ll be blunt: I don’t like him. It’s not just a vibe he’s controlling, talks down to her in public, and she’s completely changed since being with him. She used to be fun, independent, and outspoken. Now she constantly second-guesses herself, dresses and talks differently, and even asks him for permission to hang out. She admits he’s a bit intensebut claims it’s just passion.
Three weeks ago, she told me they’re getting married and asked me to be her maid of honor. I froze. I told her I love her, but I couldn’t support the wedding in that role because I didn’t believe the relationship was healthy. I said I’d still attend and be there for her in any way I could but standing by her at the altar would feel dishonest. She was devastated. She cried, said I was being judgmental and that as her best friend I should support her no matter what. Her fiancé later texted me from her phone telling me to stay out of their lives if I couldn’t be happy for them. Her mom even called me and said I should “just fake it” for one day because refusing is disrespectful. But I genuinely feel like I’d be lying to her face.
So… AITAH for refusing to be maid of honor because I don’t support the relationship?
Comments
can you accept the role to let her know that you support her no matter what? NTA – you are in a terrible position
NTA, you are being honest about it and watching your friend marry a douchebag sucks.
YTA – your friend is getting married and even asked you to be the maid of honor? Are you even really friends? Regardless of how you feel about the guy that’s whose she’s choosing to marry. I have been maid of honor three times and while some of those marriages had a lot of issues they are still together. Unless there is something serious like he’s getting physical you need to get out of her life or buy in. ❤️
NTA. Sounds like yr friend is in a bad situation. If you speak again, do let her know she can reach out to you after the marriage if she needs to. Be sure she knows her fiance told you to stay out of their lives.
I’ve seen this happen again and again. Friends will warn the woman (it’s almost always the woman). She gets defensive the friends stay away. Then, when the boyfriend/husband does become abusive they’re too ashamed to reach out to their friends.
Don’t stand by and support something you don’t. But also realize that this isn’t someone you can continue to be friends with. You can’t really be a friend when you don’t respect her partner. Even if it’s for valid reasons. She’s choosing a path that will separate you both
English is not my first language so I asked an AI a list of books mostly recommended for cases like her. I know number 1 is the one that appears on Reddit a lot and I feel you should read it and give her the passages that matters most. Because I don’t think she is accepting her situation. I know something around being 30, not married and no kids have this thing that damages rational thoughts. And I feel she wouldn’t read any of these. But here it is:
(Again, English is not my first language and I need AI to translate this for OP, please don’t flag this. It is important!)
1. “Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men” – Lundy Bancroft
(One of the most recommended books—explores the mindset of abusers and helps identify controlling behaviors.)
2. “The Gift of Fear” – Gavin de Becker
(Focuses on recognizing danger signals and trusting intuition to escape violent or manipulative situations.)
3. “Psychopath Free” – Jackson MacKenzie
(Helps identify and recover from relationships with narcissists, sociopaths, and emotional manipulators.)
4. “Women Who Love Too Much” – Robin Norwood
(For those who cling to destructive relationships out of fear of being alone.)
5. “Should I Stay or Should I Go?” – Lundy Bancroft & JAC Patrissi
(Guides readers in evaluating whether to leave an abusive relationship and how to do it safely.)
6. “Healing from Hidden Abuse” – Shannon Thomas
(Focuses on psychological abuse and recovery from toxic relationships.)
7. “Codependent No More” – Melody Beattie
(For those who have developed codependent patterns in abusive dynamics.)
8. “The Emotionally Abusive Relationship” – Beverly Engel
(Teaches how to recognize emotional abuse and strategies to break free.)
9. “Out of the Fog” – Dana Morningstar
(Helps survivors of manipulation, gaslighting, and emotional abuse regain clarity.)
10. “Dangerous Personalities” – Joe Navarro
(A guide to identifying toxic personalities like narcissists and psychopaths.)
This is hard, but honestly if he is awful to her and you are concerned then you should be honest with her. If everyone is going along to get along she may think this is just normal.
Ask her, do you want me to be your MOH if I don’t believe this marriage should happen? I don’t like how he treats you, it’s abusive, and you deserve better. I think people around you see it too but are complacent and won’t say anything to rock the boat. Do you want a MOH who believes this about this marriage?
It will probably affect your relationship but if you care about her that is the risk of being honest.
Be there for her when she divorces him.
NTA. The wedding party is taking part in the vows, in a way – I couldn’t lie either. You’re being true to yourself and honest with her. This will damage the friendship, of course, but it sounds like it’s time to release her to her choices anyway.
YTA. When a friend is in a bad situation, that’s when you pull them closer. Standing up for your friend isn’t a seal if approval, it’s a show of support. You are standing on a principle that will push your friend away when you claim to be so concerned for her well-being. I’m not sure how you think alienating her (and no matter how many “I’ll always be there for you” messages you send, that’s what’s happening) seems counterproductive. It might be time to re-examine your principles and what friendship means to you.
This happened to me twice…say goodbye to your friend.
NTA cuz your feelings are honest. BUT, I’d fake it for my bestie. Bcz no matter who she’s marrying, this is her big day and may not come again in her lifetime. Its for her and not for them. Do u understand what I mean?
INFO – Does anybody else in your friend group feel the same way about Sean, or are skeptical of this relationship? If so, maybe you can talk to Lily together, as there is strength in numbers.
yta
Honesty is always the right move. NTA
NTA. But if you do take the maid of honor role and you give the speech. Bring up that he’s controlling and belittles her and throw in his small weiner for good measure. All jokes aside. The advice “fake it” is terrible advice. And what’s disrespectful is seeing a literal abusive relationship and people excepting you to ignore the warning signs. If she asks you to not attend just respect her wishes and wish her good luck and you’ll be there when she needs you.
We all know that he will continue to alienate her by pushing the narrative that you don’t care. There is nothing that you can do about that. Her mom is trying to get along to stay close to her daughter but he will eventually find a way to push her out too.
As many stated above just find a way to let her know that regardless to what anyone(her fiancé) says about you, that she needs to remember that you love her and when she needs a safe space you will be there no matter what. Other than that, all you can do is let her live her life as she sees fit.
Country
NTA. I went through a similar situation with a family member I was very close to. I was asked to do a reading, e.g. participate in the ceremony. I didn’t think the marriage was wise, was, and still am, convinced this guy is a user, didn’t treat my family member right, not abusive physically or verbally per se, just lazy and expected to be served hand and foot. I overall didn’t approve of the relationship, which I’d been observing at close range for ~3 years.
I thought hard about it (didn’t have much time, the wedding ceremony was impromptu), and did the reading despite my reservations. I felt dishonest, but made the decision to suck it up.
They’re still married 19 years later, he’s still a lazy, freeloading jerk, but my family member made her choice that day, and still chooses him. She complains about him a bit, but she stays. I doubt my refusing to do that reading would’ve changed anything, as in made her think it over, it just would’ve given offense. I chose to gloss over my concerns for the sake of her wishes.
NTA but her mom is but only because she probably feels the same way you do. I married someone I shouldn’t because nobody had the strength to tell me they didn’t like him. The marriage lasted five months. I could have saved a lot of money and anguish if someone said something. You did and that took courage. Let your friend know that she deserves better and that if things don’t work out you will absolutely be there for her. Make her understand how different she is now and that you have known her longer than him and know the real her. She doesn’t have to settle. Make sure her mom sees what you see in this person. He is a future abuser waiting to happen. If more people speak up she can look at him with open eyes and maybe see the truth about him before it’s too late.
Tell her you’d bet that he’ll hit her for the first time, in under 1 year.
He’s abusive. He’s already controlling. He’s already isolating her, now. And he’s going to turn physical shortly.
Yes, you are wrong. Sounds like this clown your friend is with wants to be her sole priority and I would bet he DOESN’T want you around. She really needs her friends now more than ever. You may not agree with the relationship (and apparently for good reasons) but that is the reason you SHOULD be there for her. She is going to need to know who will be there for her.
This
NTA if you don’t agree with the marriage you should not be in the wedding party. Frankly you should be telling her you will not be attending as you do not support this
YTA. Your friend is happy, your bullshit is going to ruin that. Your post is geared towards telling only your side of the story, your perspective and given that 99% of people today have no integrity I’d be willing to bet you even left out some things to make you sound better than you really are. I refuse to endorse your meddling because that’s all this is. Either be happy for your friend or stop being a jealous drama queen. STFU would be my advice bud. I see nothing good coming from this All you’re going to do is ruin your friendship and her relationship. Anyone on here tilling you to go ahead and act is just an agent of chaos or just too stupid to know better. Good luck becoming a happy person that doesn’t see the need to meddle in other people’s relationships. Before you go reeeee! At me you asked for advice.
To be honest, you are supporting her, her best interests. Supporting someone doesn’t mean agreeing with every decision they make. It means ensuring their future is the best outcome. From your side of the story, it sounds like she has lost her freedom, and love should be the exact opposite. When you find someone, they should change you, yes, but in the best of ways. So please keep supporting her in the love you are showing, and I am sorry she can not see things from your vantage point.
No but you had to know the friendship would be over. Now she will be more isolated.
NAH
Your friend is in the middle of it and you can’t change her mind, she has to figure it out on her own. You’ve tried to do a really nice thing helping her. Friends aren’t meant to agree with everything no matter what – if you can tell a relationship is bad, you’re being a good friend by saying so.
This has happened to me too, friend had known a guy for two months, suddenly „found Jesus“ and got super involved with the church and said she had to settle down and have kids. I just said: if something happens, come back here, you can have the couch and we’ll help you make some money. It’s all you can do.
I mean, I’m not going to say that you’re the asshole. But your friend is an adult and asked you to be in her wedding because she wants you there as a friend, not as some symbol of approval. You go to a wedding to support and celebrate your friend, not to give them your blessing of approval…
And if you really ARE worried about this guy, and care at all about your friend, then doing this is just going to alienate her from you, and she will be less likely to talk to you and especially to confide in you her relationship issues.
He’s abusive and abusive people will isolate their partners from their friends and family. I won’t leave a judgment but be aware that you just gave him the reason he needed for you to be pushed out of their lives. She will definitely believe him about this because you literally said you couldn’t support her in her relationship and she will see that as you not supporting her and her happiness. It’s a tricky situation you’re in, but personally I would probably just have done it to stay as close to her as possible. I wouldn’t let him keep me away.
Updateme
YTA – all you are doing is alienating her more. At the end of the day, he is her choice, you don’t have to like him to support her and help her be happy, just be there for her.
NTA if you can’t support them, don’t even go as a guest, cause it still shows you support them by even being there.
NTA. I dated a similar guy and it was thanks to the friends who pointed out how unhealthy the rl was that I was able to walk away.
NTA. But if it was me, i would go, my bestie also dates someone tóxic and awful, she knows i don’t like him and everything i Think about him, but i would go for her, even if i don’t suport it
In fairness you told her the truth, so it wouldn’t be lying. You can go as a show of support for her and let him know that you are not going anywhere. Keep it simple, ‘I’ll be by your side so you know I’m here if you change your mind’
You’re more of a friend than own mother
You were right to tell her the truth about your.misgivings. If you see someone about to fall off a ledge and break their leg, you should warn them. Honestly, there was no way she was going to react to that news well. Although I wonder if her tears when you told her the truth were not just pain that you dont support her relationship, but also recognition of the truth of the truth you told. If there are others in her family or friend circle that feel the same as you do about thjs guy, then maybe you could invite them to tell her. Maybe having multiple people tell her he is controlling, that she has become a shadow of herself, and that you all fear for her happiness being married to this guy, would hold up a mirror to her face, and then she may accept the truth and dump him.
NTA don’t put anymore pressure on her to leave. You’ve given her your honest truth and all you can do is support from afar. I would leave lines of communication open because after the marriage he will likely escalate his attempts to control her further.
NTA. This sucks and there is almost no way for you not to come out looking like an AH irl. That is, not until he beats the shit out of her for making him angry. You’ve done what you can to make her aware of the mistake she’s making.
Yta. You want her to lkcr a single 304 life like yourself.
Maybe the ass hole. The talking down to is definitely an issue! But, just because people change doesn’t mean they’re being controlled. I met a woman in my mid 20s that definitely changed some things about me that some of my friends didn’t like and I was resistant to at first but looking back she was right.
Becoming an adult and a partner will usually mean changing some of your behaviors especially when you compare it to someone you knew when they were 14. Perhaps she’s just learning and growing and maturing.
My opinion is that if you’re really her friend you’d be there for her because you not accepting isn’t going to stop the marriage. It will only create distance between you two and if he is the ass hole you think he is she’ll one day need help and may not feel comfortable reaching out to you.