So I 25F have been with my fiance 26M for 6 years. I’ve been friends with my best friend 27F since we were kids. I was abused all my life, I have physical scars from it and my left eyesight is limited because of it, I studied hard and got out at 18 with a full scholarship to a college where I lived in the dorms. I graduated last year with my Psy.D. I’m very proud of myself. My fiancé doesn’t know about the severe abuse I had to life with, simply that my family was bad and I don’t have any contact with them anymore. I also never planned on telling because he doesn’t need to know that part of me, I’m a happy person and that’s all he needed to know in my opinion, not the scared little girl I used to be. I’m diagnosed with C-PTSD and anxiety which I take both medication for. My best friend knows about my abuse because I stayed with her and her family for a little time before going to college.
So the topic came up because I hate small spaces and didn’t wanna go with an elevator and went to take the stairs, my fiance doesn’t know why exactly I don’t like tight spaces and asked me which I said I simply feel trapped, my best friend and her boyfriend were with us, so after that she decided to text my fiance and tell him in detail what she knows. He was crying when asking me if it was true and really full on sobbing, we fought about this because he didn’t wanna answer me about who told him until he caved, I left and I’m currently staying in a hotel. I texted my best friend probably a little too long message that I’m done with her, that she’s dead to me and that it was not her place to tell him about this.
She cussed me out and said she was only being there for me and my fiance because one day I had to tell him about my trauma. No I do not have to.
I’ve blocked her and yeah. I made a new account for this because my old one is a lurker account and my fiance knows about it.
So AITAH?
Comments
You are NTA for cutting off your friend – it wasn’t her story to tell.
But I do think you’re a bit the AH for not sharing an important part of your story with your fiance. And also for taking it out on him. He did nothing wrong.
NTA – it’s your story and you don’t owe your trauma to anyone.
Fiancé accepts you as is or not at all. Your ‘bf’ is a rotten snake for divulging your past, your story, your trauma without your consent
YTA.
NTA. Your experiences ARE NOT hers to tell. It is totally up to YOU whom you wish to share your history with.
Yes YTA because your relationship with your fiancé is false because you have lied for 6 years. You should realize that lying and hiding the trusty is never the right choice. Your friend was honestly trying to help you and now you have cut her out of your life
NTA, but I wouldn’t blame your fiance. He had info sprung on him against his will.
For me my childhood is pretty fair game, but I don’t want it used to explain away some of my actions without my consent. My current partner shared some of my childhood abuse with his sister when I had said I always wanted good parents, so I’m kind of heartbroken that my partner’s (and the person I was speaking to) parents are deceased because they sounded great. She took it as a dead parents joke and said as much to my partner. And he used my past to clarify for her that I was being genuine.
But it still felt icky that he told her?
I also once went somewhere of my own will to date a person, then was not allowed to leave for ~9mo and suffered a smidgen of every category of abuse while there. I specifically do NOT want that talked about and shared and used to explain my idiosyncrasies.
So TLDR: I don’t get it, but I can empathize. Your bestie was in the wrong for making the decision to tell your story against your will, fiance is an innocent bystander.
If you don’t feel comfortable sharing stuff with your fiance, who do you feel comfortable enough telling stuff to? The person that you marry should be the person you feel the safest with and can share everything about. Instead it feels like you don’t want them to know stuff about you.
It’s not your best friend’s place to tell this absolutely! But I’m sorry you screwed up with lying to your fiancé. If he triggers you without knowing why, what do you think will happen?
Your fiancé did nothing wrong and based on your reaction towards him, clearly you have a lot to work through with this. You’re not ready for marriage.
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Respectfully, I don’t think it was wise to hide everything from your fiance. It’s clear that you still have a lot to unpack and he deserves to understand what he’s getting into before marrying you.
But you are correct that it was NOT your friend’s place to disclose that information to him.
EDIT: OP has not disclosed to their partner that they have PTSD
You might want to go back to school if you think this is a healthy way of coping with your childhood trauma. It’s not. Sometimes that trauma comes back in ways you aren’t prepared for, and having someone there to help you through it is absolutely necessary. Even our daughter knows about my past. I’m not ashamed, it happened, it wasn’t my fault and it makes up a part of me. Those people closest to me need to know and be aware because of things like claustrophobia, or always sitting facing the door at the restaurant or the occasional phase outs from reality due to stress. Why would you NOT tell someone who is your significant other?
YTA. He should know what he is getting involved in and if you don’t feel comfortable sharing, you are not ready for marriage.
Nta. Your story is yours to tell no one else’s. A real friend would have never done this to you.
NTA
You are the only person who gets to decide who, how, when, and if you want to disclose your trauma, and your friend crossed a very significant boundary in revealing your past without your consent.
That being said, speaking as someone whose background is in developmental psychology with a special focus on abuse based trauma, I think you are potentially responding to your childhood trauma triggers in your choice not to disclose your trauma to your partner.
It may be worth it to ask yourself what you gain from withholding that part of yourself, and your history from your partner. As it is a significant part of not only your history, but who you grew up to be.
Please don’t think I am downplaying the betrayal of your privacy, and your boundaries by your friend. As what she did was a significant violation of your trust, and those kinds of violations are often significantly worse for individuals with childhood trauma.
I simply think that it may be worth it to speak with your therapist, and examine the potential barriers that could arise in this, and future relationships, from being unable to disclose your experiences to your intimate partners.
Yes, yes you are
6 years into a relationship and you are engaged. I would hope by this time you at least have a plan to discuss a small part of your childhood trauma or overarching themes of it, preferably with a therapist present, with your fiance because this will affect your relationship.
Having said that, NTA of course. No one has the right to reveal personal details, especially details that are traumatic, with anyone else for any reason. That was your call to make not hers.
ESH. she shouldn’t have told without your permission, but it’s weird as hell to think that’s something you just don’t share with your FIANCE/FUTURE LIFE PARTNER. you are clearly not healed from the trauma or ready for marriage, and i hope you get professional help to work through it and maybe attend couples counseling. and then leaving to stay in a hotel? 😭 like what
NTA but I do believe it is true that you should tell your partner, especially if the relationship is important because you may never know what happens. You take medications because you have severe trauma, that trauma is bound to show up in your relationship sooner or later especially if you eventually plan to have kids. She had no business doing it for you, and how you decide to handle your relationship with her is only up to you but it is wrong to say that a partner doesn’t have to know about your trauma especially if you are under medication for it. What if one day you no longer have or can have access to your C-PTSD medication and have an episode? He would be completely shocked and make it worse to you because he would be unprepared. Also why take it out on him? He hasn’t done anything if not simply react to the information given to him.
NTA. You need a new best friend.
So your fiancé gets emotional from your trauma (sobbing and crying?) and also tried to hold back about who told you? Not really a great way to be supportive IMO. Your fiancé sucks BTW. Does t sound like he shut the story sharing down when it started or came to you right away after it happened. Fiance decided it was more important to protect your bestie. The “best friend” had no right to share your story and needs to stay cut off. They both suck and you are NTA.
INFO – Why are you staying at a hotel? What did your fiancé do, other than hem and haw a bit before telling you who told him?
Why are you staying in a hotel?
NTA
Please dont take it out on your fiance though.
ESH. Keeping this from someone you plan to spend the rest of your life with is wild to me and a AH move. When you have a partner with mental health issues that also takes medication it affects them as well and he 100 percent has the right to know. You are the AH for not telling him sooner. Your friend was the AH for telling him but she didn’t seem to be doing it from a bad place. Your reaction was way way over the top and very drama queen like.
YTA, don’t lie to your fiance.
Did you ask her not to tell him?
Yes. YTA. Fiancée should have already known about this. The way you reacted shows you still have a lot of healing left to do. Friends also an AH for divulging your secrets.
She was in the wrong for telling him, but so were you for not. You shouldn’t be marrying someone you can’t trust with that depth of emotional intimacy. I know it doesn’t feel that way right now, but she did you a favor. Your relationship deserves to be full and your fiancé deserves to know all of the parts of you and to be able to help you better.
ESH
Your friend majorly overstepped, and her reaction to your calling her out wasn’t great by any means.
But girl that’s a HUGE secret to keep from your fiancé. You say you’re “fine” but let’s be real, the way you reacted to this situation makes it very clear that you have psychological scars that haven’t healed, and might never. It’s not fair to your fiancé that you’ve essentially been lying to him about some very real damage that has been inflicted on you, and your friend made a very valid point about having to tell him eventually. He’s gonna be your husband ffs. If you can’t trust him then you have no business marrying him.
ESH.
YTA. 6 years in he should know. Your friend was also trying to help. You are a horrible friend and fiancé. Hopefully both of them move on and find better than you.
ESH.
You shouldn’t marry someone who you are unwilling to share your past with. its fucked up he doesn’t know about your C-PTSD or why you take your meds, fear elevators, etc. You clearly need therapy so you can be more open with those who love you and want to understand you. That you walked out on him for knowing your past is seriously fucked up
That said, it wasnt your friends place to tell him. Asshole move.
Hope you get the help and therapy you need, OP
NTA.
Your ex best friend clearly doesn’t respect you.
You should totally have told him this by now.
It wasn’t your friends place to tell him exactly but can see where she ment well,probably thinking she was paving the way to explain any quirks that pop up. He fact he was your fiance and didn’t know says you could probably use some therapy, not saying that to be mean at all. I had a messed up life early on also one of my friends from childhood told mutal friends that I am a good guy but he always slightly expected to see me on the news being caught with a collection of heads in jars. And no that isn’t the rout I took lol. For me when I was younger I hid things and didn’t talk about them. It was like hiding the facts was like having armor from the fact those things happened. But in reality it wasn’t until I started talking about them that I realized atleast for me it actually gave me armor. Because It all came to the light and couldn’t be used aginst me afterwards. Not saying it would be the same for you. But you sound like you need to come to terms with some things. I wish you well in life
Saying that your best friend from childhood is dead to you is a bit extreme, eh? No it wasn’t their story to tell, but your response makes you a bit of an ass hole. I have been married to my husband for 18 yrs and together for 20. He’s my best friend and one of the main reasons we have a 20 year relationship is because we communicate, we are each others’ keeper. You should apologize to your friend and you need to talk to your fiance. You also need to self reflect on why you truly don’t want your fiance to know what happened in your past. As cliche as it sounds, your past doesn’t define you – what you do now, does.
Your friend was wrong to tell your fiance but YTAH for not telling the man you’re planning on spending the rest of your life with.
It wasn’t her place to tell the story but you did have a moral obligation to share this with the person you’re going to marry. Ideally you’d trust your fiancé and your relationship enough to share this BEFORE you get engaged. Are you sure you are ready to get married? If I were your fiancé I’d be hurt that you didn’t trust him enough to share.
The experiences you had as a child will affect you, your marriage and your children. And withholding information about yourself is the same as lying. The truth always comes out anyway. A person who supported you during this time and let you stay with her family is the type of friend you don’t throw away quickly. Most people don’t have friends that can support them like this. Maybe she was telling him out of concern for you, rather than being gossipy. Spend some more time thinking about all of this before you cut her off permanently.
NTA for cutting off your friend, but I don’t think you’re ready for marriage.
ESH. Sorry, but you’re getting married to someone you can’t be honest with? Like, yes, it’s your life and you don’t have to tell anyone anything about it, but I wouldn’t want to get married to someone who refuses to tell me about their past. It’s a red flag.
But, your best friend was also out of line. Shouldn’t have said anything, it wasn’t her place.
The only one truly innocent here is your fiance. You’re not ready for marriage.
Both. She should not have told your business like that. On the other hand, when getting married you share with your partner and trust them. Why didn’t you trust your fiance? Is marriage really for you right now?
ESH. It wasn’t her place to tell, but keeping all these secrets and trauma from your soon-to-be lifelong partner isn’t good for you or him.
You are both NTA and YTA at the same time.
You are NTA with regards to your best friend spilling the beans. They had absolutely no right to tell your fiancee.
YTA for not telling your fiance about this years ago. If you are going to spend your life with them then they need to know. There are any number of things that could trigger you and leaving him in the dark is wrong. Do you want him to feel he’s at fault for something that he had no part in creating?
NAH your friends intentions were to help you. If you are about to get married to someone and you don’t trust him enough to be honest with him then this was probably going to really affect your marriage. If my partner would react to an elevator and then refuse to explain why, it would be a really frustrating relationship and eventually would lead to us breaking up. I wouldn’t want to be married to someone who refused to be open with me.
I think your friend did you a favour in the long run.
That being said, having your trauma told in that way is not fair or okay and she should have pushed and supported you telling him.
I think how you were living and acting with your fiance was damaging but her well intentioned action went to far
you’re nta for cutting off your friend however you’re the asshole for not telling your fiance anything after 6 years together
You are not wrong in that it was not her place, but it is something that is still impacting you, with people including her and her boyfriend. Medication alone won’t fix trauma, shoving it down and not talking about it won’t fix it either. She was trying to support you by explaining to him why a normal thing like an elevator is an issue for you. You should have told him. You shouldn’t marry someone you don’t want to know every part of you, and ma’am, HE shouldn’t marry someone who keeps themself hidden away and a doesn’t tell him whole truths about who they are and where they came from. He does have every right to know who his wife is. YTA. You over reacted and misplaced the guilt you are feeling over what you should have shared with him years ago. You cut off your support system that is trying to be there for you because you don’t want to deal with your past.
Bestie may be trying to break up for her own reasons, some have said your lying which is not true, you could have gotten to a more mature, safe place in your life where you could have told him but the bestie has her nose where it shouldn’t be, she might not like that your having a great relationship after depending on her and her family for so long, she may be feeling that your drifting away, Im sure she knew you didn’t want him to know
You’re NTA for texting your friend that. It was not her stuff to share. But I do think you should be open about these things with someone you’re supposed to marry. My fiancé and I have shared our childhood trauma and honestly if he hadn’t told me all of it, it would make our relationship very different. But hey, it’ll be okay. You should talk to your fiancé, try not to get mad at him because he didn’t really do anything wrong, and also he seems like he cares if he was sobbing from the information.
NTA . Cut that backstabbing friend! This is awful. Also, you do not need to tell your fiancee all the gory details about the abuse. You told him nessecary info and which people to avoid. Having to deal with your trauma everyday and then to deal with not telling your own story and to deal with his reaction to your trauma, like he is the one crying and what tf are you supposed to do? Tell HIM is gonna be allright? I also wouldnt want to be perceived as victim by my SO with whom Im spending my life. So, you did right to take some space. Dont judge him too harshly, but def put your feelings first.
This is an extreme level of people from the past doesnt see the current you. Like, you changed your entire life, are in a happy relationship and your so called friend cannot comprehend that and is reminding and divulging info because she wants you be the same 18y.o. she knows. Maybe even jealousy is there, like you have it better than what you deserved but she doesnt? she wants you to do allright but not better than her. Ditch the bitch
It wasn’t her place to share this information. But she is right that at some point this was going to come up in your relationship. This is a huge thing to not share with the person you plan to spend your life with. I can’t understand not wanting to share every detail, but this has shaped who you are. This person loves you and I’m sure wants to support you.
I can understand ending the friendship if you feel that’s best. But why would you fight and then stay in a hotel to get away from your fiancé? He didn’t ask for this information. I’m sure this is overwhelming for him. I would definitely talk to a therapist about this. Alone and together.
I have a different perspective. While you are NTA. I think cutting off your friend is not the right thing to do. I did this when I was young & I regret it. My advice as an older woman, mother of an adult daughter, is to talk it out with your friend. She loves you. She thought she was doing the right thing. It wasn’t the right thing, but it wasn’t done with malice towards you or your fiancé. Give it time. It sounds like you are currently surrounded by people who love & care about you. I suspect some of what you experienced as a child has you shutting down, feeling scared & betrayed. I’d work it out with her. And maybe do some joint therapy with her and with your fiancé.
Your trauma isn’t her gossip. She wasn’t being there for you, she wanted to prove something to your fiance.
Her boyfriend definitely deserves to know the truth about her, so go right ahead and text him every secret she has ever told you.
Maybe call her parents that let you stay with them and let them know why you will not be speaking with their daughter again.
ESH except the bf who did nothing wrong. Your friend violated your trust and I understand that. But you’re taking it out on your bf who did nothing wrong here.
You aren’t ready for marriage and this man deserves better than this.
NTA, she overstepped. I’ve got to think that she was acting through concern for you, but she should have spoken to you before sharing your trauma. But honestly, it’s sad that you’re unable to share this with the person you’re supposed to trust fully. I’d be devastated if I found out my partner was unable to be open with me about their past. I’m sorry you’ve been through all this
ESH. It was not your friend’s place, yet how do you plan to get married if your fiance can’t fully know you? You can’t keep hiding your true self, including your history, for the rest of your life. It will come to bite you in the back eventually.
How would you feel if your fiance would keep important past history details from you?
You have the right to keep this from fiance. Your friend way overstepped.
But it would be a mistake not to tell him what happened. You take medicine and he needs to know this at a minimum.
If you cannot trust him to take care of you, do not marry him.
Friend crossed a line, but there shouldn’t be any part of your life you feel like you should hide from your partner. Not only for you, but for your partner. someone who is spending the rest of their life with you should fully understand what they’re signing up for, but should also understand what kind of triggers and such you might have, like you’re taking a medication for CPTSD does he even know about that or does he just not question why you have PTSD?
NTA. No one has the right to make decisions for you. Especially not ones that impact your personal relationships with others. It was not her place to tell your fiancé.
Tho, I do agree, that’s not a good idea to not tell your fiancé. Because trauma is a fickle little thing. And your fiancé could unknowingly trigger you or someone else does something, and you get triggered, and your fiancé does not know what’s going on and could fall into a panic and does not know how to help you. You could traumatize your fiancé without intent with this, too. Seeing trauma firsthand can impact the people around you too. And it makes people feel helpless when they don’t know, what to do.
Do you still go to therapy? I would say, you should maybe talk to your therapist about it. What you do right now is not healthy at all. You already do something, that can impact your relationship with your fiancé. You shut him out and had a fight with him. And you don’t let him express his feelings over this, either. Knowing that someone you love got hurt so badly… He reacts because of that with sobbing and all.
Normally, when you plan to marry, the person should be the one you trust the most and would share everything with. As it is a partnership. You don’t carry the load alone, but together. Keeping secrets is not the way to go. And if you feel the need for that, perhaps it’s not the right step for you. As you aren’t comfortable enough to be open with him. A partner should love you the way you are — with and without your scars. And he does, as it seems. But you aren’t ok with this as it seems or ready to work through this with him based on your reaction (not to forget it was not your fiancé’s fault that he knows now).
Anyway, I wish you all the best and that you get through this.
Updateme.
ESH.
NTA how could you ever trust her again? I was raped in college and my the one person I trusted also betrayed my trust. Once that’s gone you’ll spend every conversation with her watching your words.
I’m so sorry, OP. You deserved better.
OP… you can’t possibly expect to have a health relationship when it’s full of lies. If you’re going to marry someone, they need to know your history. They shouldn’t just learn pieces of it when it pops up at “fun” times, and then have no idea how to handle it.
It seems like you need to be in regular therapy, and you probably need to take your partner to a therapy session and tell him more in a setting where you feel safe.
I don’t know how I feel about your best friend telling him, but I imagine it was hard for her to watch you making such a poor choice and thinking it wouldn’t eventually blow up in your face.
ESH. You cannot go into marriage without being completely honest with one another. Your best friend had no business telling him but you did.
ESH It wasn’t her place. But if you could not share this with the person you are marrying, you are not ready to marry him. That’s way too soon. Should never start a marriage withholding serious information.
NTA, but also, I don’t think she meant you any harm.
I also grew up in an abusive home, including physical abuse. For years after I kept it a secret because I didn’t want anyone to look at me differently. But that made it feel shameful, and I never really got any better.
Eventually, I realized it wasn’t my secret to keep. My mother is the one who should be ashamed, and I don’t need to hold that for her — I don’t owe her my silence. I don’t go around telling everyone gory details, and some of the specifics I will probably always keep to myself.
But little by little, I let some people in, including my boyfriend (now my husband). And it did help. It helped him understand what my triggers are, and how to help. It helped me feel like I could set the boundaries I needed, like the fact that no matter how much I trust him, I need to be out of lunge/swinging distance when we’re disagreeing. It wasn’t some single great unburdening, but when I stopped treating it like a secret, it stopped feeling like one, and I could talk about it with him as things came up.
I’m not magically cured and trigger-free, but things are easier now. I’m grateful I got to do that in my own time, and I’m sorry that was taken from you. I remember how incredibly raw I felt for weeks the first time I told someone just a bit of it, and I got to make that choice.
I can’t tell you what to do, but I can tell you that you might feel a lot better in the future if you let your fiance understand you all the way. And that you might really regret losing one of your oldest friends, who probably loves you dearly, and was worried about you not having the support you need, and did a dumb thing in that love and fear.
NTA for your reaction to your friend.
You’ve been with your fiance for years and I’m sure you have other triggers that you respond to, while with him.
Your fiance should be the one person, other than your therapist, that you should be able to open up to.
It was your secret to tell, and now you need to sit down with your fiance and have a long discussion because your past is part of who you are today.
You are not the AH.
This was your story to tell, and it was never anyone else’s place to share details of your trauma without your consent. Your friend may have thought she was helping, but in reality she crossed a serious boundary. Even if she had good intentions, she took away your agency over something deeply personal.
You have worked incredibly hard to build a life for yourself, and you have every right to decide how much of your past you want to share, and with whom. It does not make you dishonest or secretive, it makes you someone protecting your peace and controlling your own narrative.
Your fiancé’s reaction shows he cares deeply, but it is also natural that he feels hurt learning such important information in this way. It may take time for him to process, and you might have some hard conversations ahead, but that is between you and him, not you, him, and your best friend acting as a go between.
Blocking your friend after this boundary violation is understandable. Only you get to decide if there is a path to forgiveness later. For now, your priority should be your healing, your relationship, and keeping control over your own story.
So no, you are not the AH.
You have a doctorate in psychology and don’t see the importance of sharing your past trauma with your future husband? Sorry but you are not ready for marriage.
Yta
NTA. She violated a serious personal boundary. She violated a confidence. She interfered in your relationship.
These are not the actions of a friend. I would end the relationship.
ESH. It wasn’t her place to tell him, but there is no way you should get married without him knowing all about this.
ESH. Your friend shouldn’t have crossed that line, but you absolutely shouldn’t have been keeping something like this hidden. Mental trauma – when left untreated – has a funny way of rearing its ugly head in ways we never expect. IMO, you need to address this before moving on with your marriage.
It’s not her place, but YTA for keeping the man you agreed to marry in the dark about a major part of your life. Do you honestly think it’s just never gonna come up?? You just showed him that you don’t really trust him and would rather lie, hide the truth, and blame your best friend than trust him.
You’re not ready for marriage.
While it wasn’t her place to tell him, it feels like she wasn’t just gossiping, she was genuinely trying to help spare you the pain of telling him. Losing your best friend and fiance in one blow is hard on you and them. Maybe tell them why you’re still so triggered (if you can figure out why beyond saying you have ptsd. Ptsd is a cause but to just shut people off with that phrase seems harsh. Maybe turn your degree inward and see if you can grow and heal from this. I won’t say you’re the Ahole but spend some significant time before throwing these people away. It seems they truly care about you and want happiness for you. Losing your family like have, you might not be so quick to cut out 2 people who you’ve had so long as (I’m assuming) your replacement family. Maybe that’s why you’re being so quick to drop them, out of fear that your blood family treated you so badly and now (in your eyes) you’re replacement family is also treating you badly. Again, I won’t call you an AH but many people with replacement families would love to have a bestie and/or a fiance.
ESH. Your friend is the biggest because she shared info that wasn’t hers to share, but you for getting mad at your boyfriend when he did nothing wrong.
My wife was abused as a kid. She also doesnt like going in elevators, and to this day is still afraid of the vacuum cleaner. I dont know every gory detail, but I do know what happened. I know every part of my wife, and I love her still.
If I didn’t know about her past and it got brought up somehow one day, I would wonder why I wasn’t trusted/loved enough for her to share that with me. Would she think I’d one day use it against her? Am I not really her shoulder, am I just meant to share the happy times and not all the times?
You are doing your fiancé a disservice by hiding a part of yourself. You dont need to tell him exactly what happened to tell him what happened.
I’m sorry she went behind your back. It was absolutely not her place. I can understand how she thought she was helping. Did she know that you hadn’t told him any of your past?
With that being said, I don’t think it’s right to not tell your fiancé. Not every detail. But enough to know who you really are. You aren’t a happy person if something like this has you leaving him. He didn’t do anything to deserve that.
I think you are maybe more scared about how he will look at you and what he will think about you.
I sincerely hope everything works out for you. I’m so sorry your childhood was so terrible. No child deserves that. But I would maybe talk to a therapist, and have fiancé sit in an appointment and the two of you talk. For real.
Updateme
You are right, your best friend shouldn’t have said anything, but YOU should have. This is a large part of your life, and he needs to know what caused things as well as if anything could trigger something in you. It has NOT been long enough that there are no effects from your abuse.
You should not marry someone that you aren’t willing to share all of yourself with.
You don’t have to tell him the details of each instance, but you should let him know what went on in your life. You still have trauma to work through if you can’t talk about it with someone that loves you.
YTA
Not for ending contact with your best friend, because she massively crossed a line.
But for keeping all of that from the man you plan to marry. You didn’t need to give him all of the gory details, but hiding all of it is a really bad idea.
You can’t have an emotionally intimate relationship if you’re hiding things like that. And your reason was basically you didn’t want to change the image he had of you.
Honestly
ESH
I’ve just completed a new therapy called CPT for c-ptsd. I can’t recommend it enough. She shouldn’t have told him, that’s not her place. But please don’t burn all your bridges. This is a trauma response and you can get through this.
>She cussed me out and said she was only being there for me and my fiance because one day I had to tell him about my trauma. No I do not have to.
I mean, respectfully, if you’re going to get married and your trauma is that bad? Yes, you do. That’s not the sort of thing you can keep from your partner forever, since it clearly still affects your behaviour in major ways. That’s something should know if you’re going to marry them. My parents both went through insanely traumatic things, and they told each other. No one is saying you have to rehash every minute detail, but he at least needs a broad overview; you can’t just employ the Ostrich Strategy forever when everyone around you, your husband-to-be included, can clearly tell there’s something up.
YTA. Your reaction is exactly why hiding this was never going to be an option for a healthy marriage.
ESH (really just you and bff)
She was wrong for telling him behind your back, but YTA for planning to marry someone you keep secrets from! This is not a small detail to omit, this was major trauma and he has EVERY RIGHT to know who he is committing himself to.
You wanna keep secrets go ahead, but don’t drag someone else into your dark. Either commit to open and honest or don’t commit at all.
NTA. You’re right, it’s only your business and you didn’t need to tell anyone. A relationship doesn’t come with a subpoena.
You could have been married for fifty years and still are entitled to privacy, and it would still be your information to tell.
It’s not lying, it’s not disclosing and it has nothing to do with any promises you’ve made or any vows you will take. It’s not germane.
You are entirely ready for marriage. A marriage is whatever two or more people make it. The rules of others need not apply to you. Your trauma and PTSD and the state of your mental health are private information you do not have to share with anyone, legally or ethically.
Yeah gently yta. For leaving your man over it. It’s not his fault. It’s ok for your man to know he can support or help you ignore it if that’s what you choose to do. It may give him some insight and help you become closer. It’s an unhealthy secret to keep to yourself. But the friend overstepped. No doubt
Why did you kick your fiancé out? He did nothing wrong.
NTA
You can’t start a true relationship without being totally honest with each other. If you can’t trust your future husband to have your back then why should he trust you to have his back? Your spouse is the one person that should be your safe space. It doesn’t sound like you’re at that point and it’s not fair to give him half truths. If he has trauma in his past don’t you want a basic heads up to help him if an issue arises? If you’re not ready to let your shields down that’s okay. If you are in therapy include him in on a trail basis.
NTA for the friend, but you will totally deserve it when your fiance dumps you
Firstly I’m sorry you’re dealing with this now and everything you’ve been through, but YTA you can’t build an honest relationship whilst hiding stuff like this, it’s obviously impacting your life and therefore will impact your partners, it just isn’t fair and it won’t work. Yes your friend overstepped but I get where she was coming from, she didn’t do it to hurt you or cause you pain she genuinely thought she was helping, does it make it right absolutely not, but it doesn’t make her a bad person either! You need therapy and help so you can truly move on and heal
Your friend is definitely an AH and you’re a much bigger one for not sharing this with your significant other. You are a divorce waiting to happen but your husband needs to understand you and you need to understand him. Hiding this kind of information is like laying landmines everywhere in your relationship.
Your friend was in the wrong for sure, but if you want a successful marriage, you’ll need to open up to your fiancé before he’s your husband. Also, get therapy. NTA.
YTA, your friend was right to tell your fiance. You’re getting married to this man, if you can’t trust him at all with your past then you aren’t ready to tie your life to him. It’s fine even if you don’t want to go into all the gory details but the guy needs to know you have cptsd, he needs to know you were abused, because it will affect you and your relationship and possibly your children as well.
NTA. This is not hers to share.
Lol at the losers here saying not telling your partner you were horrifically abused is “building a relationship on lies” lmfao holy shit. You people are so stupid. nta AT ALL
You should have told your fiance. You don’t get married to someone and have kids with them without knowing if they were abused because it can have huge impact on future family. You were disingenuous and that would be starting a marriage under false basic.
That said it was not her place to share this.
ESH except the fiancé. And you would think OP with their PsyD would handle this better with the fiancé. Be as made as you want to the best friend but OP should have handled this way better with their fiancé who hasn’t done anything wrong here. Staying at a hotel? Seriously? They are not ready for marriage or even a relationship.
All the YTA are a reason why reddit gets known for being the worst. Trauma is not something you HAVE to share with anyone unless you are ready.
Although your friend sucks, your fiance doesn’t and I’m sure just wants to be there for you. I do know what you mean but not wanting the pity. It’s okay, you are not defined by your trauma.
NTA I think he should know everything that triggers you, but I DO NOT think you need to describe and relive your abuse to him. You can get him a broad overview, or you can ask him if it’s something he wants to know. I would never make my partner tell me that if they didn’t want to, and it wouldn’t affect our relationship at all personally.
It wasn’t her place to disclose anything that you weren’t ready to tell, she totally violated your trust by going behind your back like that then having g him lie about it. If she thought he should know she should’ve spoken to you first.
That said, you keeping this from your fiancé was not the right thing to do either, you’re going to be building a life together he should know what your triggers are and keeping secret means he’s not getting the full real you, your keeping this whole part of your life from him (especially since you are still dealing with the effects of your past and it affects him too).
If I were with somebody, & they refused to tell me anything about their childhood, I would be extremely suspicious. Quite frankly, probably to the point of starting to do some research. 🧐 🤷
NTA
It wasn’t your friend’s story to tell.
ETA
Your best friend shouldn’t have shared your trama. That is yours to share.
However, you really should have told your fiance, someone you were planning on spending the rest of your life with, this major information about your past. If it were me in his shoes, I would see this as you not trusting me while also wondering what other major things you are hiding. I understand not telling him this on the first date but this is something he should have known before planning on getting married.
NTA.
It wasn’t your friend’s place to disclose details about your trauma history. That sucks. I can understand why you’re upset with her. She violated your trust and privacy.
On the other hand, if you’re reacting this strongly, you probably need to check yourself. You’re not a “happy person” as much as you’re someone who has done a lot of work to learn to manage your C-PTSD and anxiety (including earning a PsyD) and you’ve got adaptive practices like not taking an elevator because it makes you feel safe.
Medication and therapy are great, but what else is going to come up in your relationship if you marry and have kids? Are kids part of the game plan? Are you going to shut down and go to a hotel every time you feel triggered?
I’m not sure that “I had a bad/abusive childhood and am now no-contact with my family” is enough information for someone that you’re going to look at building a life with or figuring out how to co-parent with.
That said, it’s also unhelpful for you to have to comfort him about your childhood abuse. He needs to find his own support for that.
NTA! Did she even think for a minute what telling him could trigger in you? I wouldn’t want to tell my fiancé that just so I could move on with my life. No constant reminders or feelings like they’re coddling me. I get it. She was wrong, but I do encourage you to talk to her when you’re ready. She’s your best friend. Also, therapy will help. Maybe couples therapy now that fiancé knows? You don’t have to get into all the details but the therapist can help you and your fiancé navigate around your trauma thoughtfully and in a way you both feel good about. 🩵
Wait, wait, wait, wait… You’re a Doctor of Psychology and you felt as though it wasn’t important for you to tell your partner about your traumas? “I’m a happy person and that’s all he needs to know”? You’re absolutely incredible. How you’ll be allowed to practice is so far beyond me, I fathom how you even came to graduate, if this story is even real.
You should not be getting married, and you should not even practice until you’ve worked through your abuse trauma in therapy.
YTA, big time. Your friend is TA too, but not as much as you. You have been lying by omission your entire relationship. Your friend wasn’t right to tell him, but you DID need to tell him. You’re trying to run away from your past and you CAN’T… particularly if you want to have a productive future.
She had no place telling him. But I also think you’re absolutely wrong for keeping that from him. He doesn’t know your triggers and he also doesn’t know why you have your physical scars/eyesight problems…. He needs to know these things if you’re going to marry him? How would you feel if he just left out half of his life story before you marry him? You wouldn’t feel good. Maybe sit down and tell him.
Being unable to speak of your trauma is one of the symtoms of PTSD, and signals you clearly are not as well as you want to pretend.
ESH
ETA, esh.
You’re literally wearing your scars, and I’m not talking about the physical ones.
Your friend absolutely crossed the line but so did you by not being honest with your fiance. The fact you can’t talk about it yet says everything. Someone who is healed doesn’t react this way or wear their trauma on their sleeve
Every tho you are a lil bit of an ahole, I’m sending you love because you’ve been Through enough, and your friend did overstep bounds. However, you clearly have blind spots your friend has noticed for years and just hasn’t said anything about out of respect.keep working on yourself and be a little bit more honest with yourself. The only non-ahole here is your fiance whi clearly loves you
ESH except the fiance.
It doesn’t matter if you are “a happy person” you still suffer and struggle from the past abuse and you clearly mentally still need help.
None of this is ok.
You lying (by omission) is wrong.
Your friend going behind your back is wrong.
You fighting with your fiance and leaving over this is wrong.
You refusing to actually enter into a genuine and honest union is absolutely wrong.
YTA, and a huge one. Your poor fiance and friend. You are in no way ready for marriage.
UpdateMe
ESH but not “everyone” rather “everything.”
SO MANY VERY GOOD intentions, but the road to hell is paved with ’em.
Good graces to all.
This was your story to tell and no one else’s.
I know exactly where you are coming from and no one can deny you the cross you carry from the early part of your life, and no one should be shining a light on it if that is not your wish.
When my Mother passed my friends were wondering why I seemed unemotional, none of their business, let them think what they like. I make the decision to live with the consequences of my friends thinking my heart is cold in that regard.
I would try to mend fences with your friend and your fiancé over time. They had no malice in their actions and they did what they did out of caring about you. Even if it was wrong, care and love deserve forgiveness over time.
It’s not easy being You. There is only one, very special person who can do that out of billions of people on this earth. You are incredible and don’t stop being You!
NTA…No, you are not wrong for blocking your ex best friend from your life.
But, I don’t see how you can start a future with someone who you cannot discuss your past with, especially when it involves things that happen in your life with this person, like needing to use the stairs instead of an elevator.
If you are not in therapy, please do so or if in therapy, please discuss with your therapist.
Also why are you staying in a hotel? Why are you leaving the one person who is supposed to be by your side for life and who you can trust? You are punishing him for something he had no control over.
Again, I think you need more therapy.
Yes, your friend was wrong for breaking your trust, BUT, you were wrong for not telling your fiancée about your childhood trauma.
Difficult to understand someone with a psych degree not understanding.
NTA for your feelings and it’s clear that part of your life is extremely hard for you based on your reaction.
While your friend didn’t have a right to say on your behalf she probably meant well.
I do understand past is past but since you still carry emotional burden that obstruct your life somewhat you really should have told your fiance about.
Yes you were a scared girl and now you aren’t but somethings are really important not to share especially with someone who sre meant to be with you forever.
I don’t know why were you angry at your fiance unless you probably felt shame snd probably are angry that you can’t remove that part of your past away.
Therapy is really a great way for you to accept and let go of the feelings you have from past. It will help you feel more free cuz you don’t know that you need it cuz you keep telling yourself you are ok .
OP it seems like this abuse is still majorly impacting your daily life. I wonder if you have been explaining away some of your bizarre actions (avoiding elevators?) with little white lies, and your best friend finally has taken pity on the poor confused man.
Are you in therapy? I think you should discuss this entire situation with a therapist, including your reaction.
As someone with CPTSD, no she shouldn’t have told him about this. Because you should have. Even if you didn’t go into detail, your partner, the person you are planning on spending your life with should at the very least know that you were abused as child to the extent that you find common, every day activities like getting in an elevator triggering. Because otherwise he may unintentionally trigger you and have to deal with a situation that you left him completely unable to deal with properly. I didn’t tell my closest friends until I was in my mid-20s, but every single one of my long-term partners has been told because it is necessary information for them. And that’s despite 2 of those partners using it against me. If you can’t trust your life partner with your deepest secret, then you need to be addressing that trust issue in therapy as well as the underlying abuse.
It wasn’t her place to tell. But her intentions weren’t bad. If you didn’t communicate to her that you don’t want anyone to know, then I think you reacted a bit to hastily and harshly. I know not being able to control emotions and reacting momentarily is common in CPTSD, I am also an abused kid.
I truly recommend you to take a second, look back on the situation. Take contact with both your best friend and fiance, tell them you reacted hastily, but you need a bit time to collect yourself. I think you will regret ending things like this with both of them.
Communication is your only helping tool right now.
YTA. This isn’t something you keep from him.
She told him because she knows that. It wasn’t her place. But he needed to know.
While your friend was out of line, so are you. You have been lying to your fiance all this time. You should have told him about your past the minute you agreed to spend your life together. What’s going to happen down the line when you are just living your life and something triggers a reaction?
I wish this was an AIO threat instead of an AITA thread, because honestly, you are overreacting. Your friend was trying to help, and while she should have let you tell the story yourself in theory, the fact is you were not planning on ever doing so. You dismiss your backstory as you’re fine now, except you clearly are not fine now. You should be able to trust your partner, and it’s concerning that you don’t. It’s also concerning that someone whom you did trust enough to tell, you’re so quick to cut off. I think you need therapy, Love.
OP, you’re hurting your fiance right now. I don’t have a good childhood to talk about so sometimes it can be hard to share stories. My old man solved disputes with his fists and my brother has been a child molester his whole life, that’s my childhood and it’s not the happy story that I wish I had. I don’t like to open up old wounds nor sour the mood, but my wife still knows my past. She understands my triggers because I told her. I still have nightmares that she understands and can help calm me down. I want you to know that I see your side, but I think you need help.
How is your person supposed to be there for you if you don’t let them in? Are you going to suffer quietly alone? What if something triggers you? Like it or not, your past is a part of you, that doesn’t diminish the accomplished and happy person you are now. I’m a happy adult with everything I could want, I’m just a happy adult with an ugly childhood like so many other people.
He shouldn’t have found out from a text, it wasn’t her story to tell, but it was yours. I don’t think it’s right that you reacted this way towards your finance, who cried for you and is probably even more confused because he had to hear it secondhand. It should be your words, please try to find them.
ESH.
OP isn’t ready for marriage and needs genuine help to be able to manage triggers and compulsive lying.
The friend overstepped. From how OP states they overreacted, they both did.
Poor hubby doesn’t know. He shouldn’t have had that told to him by anyone other than OP.
AND. IF OP wants to MARRY him, he DOES need to know. It’s nor about force, it’s about trust, love and triggers. WHOLLY unfair to keep him in the dark, especially if OP says they love him. That’s not fair, the weight/pressure/stress/confusion and even distancing that accidental triggering can cause…
Speaking as someone diagnosed with CPTSD
Edit to add – ESH meaning OP and their friend.
Not their poor hubby.
PTSD is a huge deal and it is absolutely not fair to marry someone without disclosing it. Do you feel like he would feel different? Judge you? Maybe you just don’t want him to feel bad for you and treat you different? Whatever the reason, to join yourself to another human through lifelong partnership is a huge deal and there should be no secrets.
I was abused from 5-15 and while my husband doesn’t know details, he knows my triggers, he knows my boundaries, and having an understanding partner on my side makes me feel that much stronger. On the other hand- if I set aired my business out to him and he couldn’t unite with me on my boundaries, I would. It have married him.
ESH- Your friend may seem like an asshole but I think she was trying to look out for you in the long run.
You’re lying to yourself if you think in any way, not telling him about your past is OK. By not opening up fully to him, you weren’t fully letting him in. All of our secrets always come out in the end. Did you even think about how he would feel if he found out and you didn’t tell him before this situation? Our past traumas are not who we are, but they are part of us. You screwed up big time.
ESH – You lied to your fiance by omission. This was a huge formative portion of your life and you are pretending like details do not matter. Your fiance should know what triggers you and why so he can help and have your back. If you cannot share some of this with him, why are you marrying him? This is crucial to who you are, like it or not.
Your friend did overstep by telling him. She should have implored you to do so instead. That said, I believe she did so with good intentions to help your fiance and you out since you were failing to communicate some critical details to him.
You reacted to all this poorly as well. Why did you just not talk it out with your fiance now that he knows? Why did you run and hide in a hotel? This avoidance of your past is concerning. I do not think you’ve actually dealt with it if the mention of events causes a flight response. I hope you are continuing therapy. Definitely talk about this in your next session and apologize to your fiance for lying by omission.
That’s not her place to say. If you chose to tell him that’s on your terms not on hers. She doesn’t get to dictate when you want to or don’t want to tell him. I understand you’re upset with your fiancé, but it’s not his fault. He didn’t ask or push for this. She did it on our own terms and she doesn’t deserve to be your friend. It was none of her business. I understand you’re pain not too extent that you’ve been through, but I am a victim of domestic violence molestation, rape, kidnapped, but a lot of it was emotional abuse my whole life. I am getting help from mine, but it’s not easy and it’s nobody’s place but yours
YTA, OP. As it’s been mentioned, your extreme reaction shows exactly why you should have told your fiance at least at a high level.
Your friend is wrong for telling him, it wasn’t her place, it was yours.
I don’t know what to say about your friend but you’re an AH to your fiancé and yourself by not telling this. Even without absolutely gritty details, he should know why his wife has PTSD and can’t ride in an elevator. Like it or not it is part of who you are and it was bound to blow up eventually. You were building your life on a lie. Your fiancé was worried about you and because you iced him out he asked your friend. These are two people who love you. While it might not have been her place I get why your friend thought she was helping. I realize you’re coping with a lot, but completely hiding your entire past is not a way to build a relationship.
I don’t see how this is real. You’re saying you have physical scars, impaired vision, cPTSD, and anxiety. But somehow your fiance is supposed to not know how bad the abuse was?
ESH. Your friend crossed the line with telling him, but you overreacted and shouldn’t have kept your fiance in the dark about your trauma. Marriage is built on trust, communication, and cooperation. If you can’t trust him enough to tell him you have ptsd from your childhood then you’re not ready to marry him.
The reason you reacted this way is that you think that you can’t depend on anyone. But marriage in a perfect world includes knowing each other’s weaknesses and supporting each other. I think you are afraid of being perceived as weak.Try talking to a psychologist to work through your reactions to this situation. You are NTA because you don’t have the right tools for this situation.
You and your best friend are both AH. Her for accidentally crossing a line in her attempt to provide context to your fiance, and you for your oversized reaction to your fiance’s attempt at understanding and compassion.
You need more therapy. Possibly EMDR. You’re not ready for marriage or to be anyone’s partner. I hope you get the help you need.
I do think that your best friends intentions weren’t to hurt you. Her intentions were to help you even though she did overstep she probably didn’t know how else to do it then should just be honest and it’s not like she told some random person she told your husband
Why are you marrying him if he can’t see all the parts of you? Lying by omission about something that fundamental. Yeah your friend was out of line but you’re not ready for marriage. Both you and your friend are TA. But not your fiancé.
Your friend crossed a line for sure.
But, also, as someone with a PsyD, I would hope that you’ve studied trauma and relationships enough to know that you are who you are wherever you go. You aren’t going to be able to compartmentalize the part of yourself that you carry because of your awful childhood and just squirrel that away and think that it won’t impact your marriage and relationship.
As a therapist, if you were my client, we’d be exploring why you aren’t ready to share this with your fiancé. We’d navigate together how to approach it in a way that is supportive of your continued growth and healing.
You’ve been with him for years! You can’t build your marriage on half-truths.
As a human, I’ve been in the position of your fiancé. I found out years into my marriage that my spouse didn’t tell me about major abuse that had happened. If I had known, my kids would have NEVER been around his abusers. I would have pushed less to allow any contact (I never pushed contact, but I allowed the kids to be around the abuser during family events).
I felt deceived! If they were willing to hide that, what else were they hiding? In addition to that, I would have taken different approaches when bringing up sensitive topics.
Your friend was absolutely wrong to have shared this, but they were correct: you should have told your fiancé! Especially now that you’re engaged to be married.
I’m sure you’ve studied family systems enough to know that this just doesn’t go away. Unaddressed trauma continues to echo into the family’s emotional systems for generations (note: I didn’t say “healed” or “resolved”—some things will NOT be healed! But you can address things on your end to not pass on those wounds).
NTA, but it sounds like you have a caring fiancé and some more personal internal work to do.
You simply can’t go into marriage with untold origen stories like this. You are not managing the beginning of your relationship with your fiancé correctly.
Friend crossed a boundary but you were playing a very dangerous game completely lying and misleading the person you’re supposed to marry
ESH. She was wrong to tell your fiance. You were wrong not to tell your fiance.
She overstepped big time and should not have done that, you have the right to feel betrayed. But your life partner should be aware you have diagnosed PTSD and take meds for it. Yes, he knows you take meds and yes it’s lying that you haven’t to him it’s for that.
You still have triggers and it’s important that your future husband knows these things. Trauma tends to ebb and flow, coming up at later points in your life. He should know these things so he can have empathy and patience if you should meltdown.
I have a lot of empathy for you and I’m sorry you’re going through this. It’s not cut and dry, it’s not easy, and I can’t imagine the pain you’re feeling rn that your worst fear is coming to life. But you should genuinely consider what the comments are saying. The fact that he sobbed about this shows that he loves you. He will empathize. Wish you the best.
ESH.
Your friend shouldn’t have told him. But you should have. You lied by omission. Which isn’t a great thing to do to a life partner.
It’s your story to tell when you’re ready. Your friend overstepped hugely. HOWEVER, I personally don’t think it’s healthy for you to keep this from your fiancé. Please talk to your therapist about how you can get to a point where you’re able to confide in him.
Did your friend overstep? Absolutely.
But your fiancé had every right to know the deep baggage you are bringing into a life with him. Lying to him for 6 years is a terrible start to a life together.
I am sincerely affected by the thought of everything you have been through.
You don’t have to dwell on the past, but since it does still affect you now, your fiancé deserves (and needs) to know how and why certain things are likely to affect you. Both for logistics, and because they love you. Deliberately preventing them from knowing these things is a recipe for future relationship disaster and therefore wrong of you, although understandable. You don’t have to tell acquaintances anything at all but this is your fiancé. Do you see that it is disrespectful to your fiancé to keep them from knowing important things about your life?
It was also not the friend’s place to step in and force this to come out before you were ready. It sounds like her intentions were overall well-meaning, not evil, though, so please take that into consideration. In twenty years you may wish you had considered keeping this person as a friend. Or, maybe not, but just please take that into consideration.
ESH because it was not fair to your fiancé to try to keep this from them. It also was not OK for your friend to breach this trust without your consent.
ESH
Your friend crossed a major line, but you actions towards your fiancé are at least as bad. Failing to tell him anything, and then fighting and going to a hotel because he now knows? Sorry but you do not sound ready for the type of commitment that is required in a successful marriage.
YTA for keeping such a vital secret about who you are from your fiancé.
Yes it’s your trauma to divulge when you feel ready, but how do you expect to have a successful long term relationship with someone hiding such a major part of yourself? Relationships built off lies crumble easily (clearly).
But seriously FUCK your best friend and I’m so sorry such severe trauma was exposed this way. Despite my criticism you did NOT deserve that.
As everyone has said, your friend absolutely overstepped. But you have made a serious miscalculation in attempting to keep this from your fiance.
First, you need to trust your partner completely. Otherwise he’s just part of the pretend world you’ve created where you never went through what you went through, and that is absolutely impacting your current mindset.
Second, opening up about this with him has the potential to deepen your bond, not only with each other but in how to move forward. You’re going to be with this person for life–why would you never give the context around your fears/emotions?
Third, I do suggest counseling. It is very likely your partner feels betrayed that you kept this secret, and you might need a third space with a guide to navigate this together.
Damn so your friend of 20 years, who you stayed with for a while made a mistake and you went scorched earth on her immediately? Did you even give her a chance to apologize? That’s crazy.
NTA, she had no business telling him your private information no matter what.
But personally I think your fiance probably should have been in the loop. CPTSD and the cause is an important thing to be aware of so he can support you and not do things that accidentally hurt you
I won’t trust her nor would I ever speak to her. Especially after hearing her response. You’re smart to stay the F away from her. I would see what her real motivation was about to be honest. That just smells bad all the way over here.
It is Show & Tell time sister. You are NTA and you didn’t have to tell her anything. However, you do need to show her how it is. There is a fair chance that Miss Busybody’s guy tried to warn her off from doing a data dump on your FIANCÉE!
You do owe your guy more disclosure before marriage so that should be first on your agenda. Make up with him ASAP, square everything, and live happily ever after.
In general you are and also act like as an AH with your partner and your friend.
I do understand that you dont feel comfortable with your past or taling about it but thats never a reason to be aggressive with your close ones or anyone
And for your future with your fiance or any other partner they do should know because as someone else said here they may trigger your without knowing and everything will go down hill from there as it just happend with the elevator incident and lying like that doesnt help…
Im not saying that she didnt overstep with their actions but you take it 10 steps over taking out all your frustration on her to the point to say that she is “dead” to you.
NTA.
What your ex-friend did to you is horrible. It was a brutal violation of your privacy, and an exposure of your past trauma. She had no right to do it. While legally you can’t sue her for it, you can definitely cut her out of your life, and you should definitely do it.
As for your fiance, I understand that you are feeling exposed to him and don’t want to see him right now. Give yourself some time – you don’t have to meet him now. Perhaps if you are up to it, just send him a message that you need a break to rebalance and make decisions. But only if you feel comfortable doing it. Other than that, take care of yourself – you come first, in this situation and always.
As far as she’s concerned, NAH. But I think there is a shred of truth to what she said. Basically, this: When you are young, you can compartmentalize experiences. As you age, some memories can bleed and leak from the compartment they were supposed to be in. I think the ideal case for you is that your truth be told and you are not having anxiety over it coming out. You can clearly rearrange facts or omit facts as it is your history.
You’d think you’d know already seeing you have a degree in Psychology (if that’s what psy.d means). But yes, YTA. I doubt they had bad intentions in doing so, though yes it’s not their place.
Your friend is wrong too but YTA
Wow you got a lot of comments already. As someone with C-PTSD you are NTAH. It’s not as simple as going over one or two bad scenarios. Talking about things in detail before you are ready to talk about it will do more harm than good as well. He doesn’t need to know everything you’ve been through to appreciate you and love you. The sympathy always adds extra sting too so it’s not easy to talk about it on any level. If you feel happy and you aren’t easy triggered because you are healed enough then that is wonderful and you should honor your new found life and dive back into a person you no longer relate to. The only thing I do it talk about it with my boyfriend as things come up and only if I feel it is a safe place for it at the time. So her crossing that line is completely unacceptable in my eyes. I have dumped friends for less that I have known since I was 10. Keep your boundaries and again NTAH
She shouldn’t have spilled the secret but you definitely aren’t ready for marriage if you can’t even tell your fiancé of the abuse.
she shouldn’t have done that but you are an absolutely horrible person for not telling your partner. clearly it’s not a healthy relationship if you cannot trust him with that about yourself. there’s no fucking way you should be marrying someone when you can’t even tell them a fundamental piece of yourself. You need to go work on yourself alone.
YTA. I’m feeling very sorry for your friend
As a person who was also diagnosed with C-PTSD and was neglected/abused for the majority of my life;
You’re NTA, but the friend wasn’t wrong about your fiance needing to be told.
As crummy of a past it was, it’s still your past. It’s events that are going to stuck with you and be a part of you for years. Hiding it won’t make it go away.
It was your story to tell. But … and it’s a very big but:
If I were your fiancé, right now I’d be massively re-evaluating the last 6 years of a relationship. Just found out something that profound about my fiancée from a friend, so very late in the piece? What else is hidden?
Sorry, but YTA here. It may have been your story to tell, but it also wasn’t your secret to keep from someone you expected to spend a lifetime with.