For context, I don’t have any friends, no family (long story short, my dad kicked me out and cut me off after I outed him for committing fraud with my Social Security information )and my ex has been my only family aside from my grandma for the past two years. I don’t have any friends because my dad abruptly moved us across the country for his job and it’s been hard making friends because I don’t get out much so my boyfriend has been the only person that I can talk to about anything. Apparently I’m attractive which takes some getting used to because I’ve always been extremely insecure so when guys hit on me, it comes as a shock. Some guys aren’t as innocent and make me very nervous. I tell my boyfriend about these creepy instances because I confide in him about everything but he seems to get upset when I do and feels like I’m bragging. It makes me feel like I don’t have anyone to protect me or care about me.
I was in the mall and this guy kept following me around despite me telling him that I had a boyfriend. I called my boyfriend and told him what was going on and he said “well, what did you do to make him feel like he could do that”. I hung up out of anger and feeling betrayed. Another instance was on my job a couple of the security guards were being really creepy and I caught him taking pictures of me. I felt really uncomfortable and grossed out and expressed this to my boyfriend. He accuse me of bragging about male attention when that was not my intentions at all. I started a new job and it’s really hard. I’ve already had so many creepy instances with men and had an Uber driver come into my work, looking for me and requesting to be sat in my section. These are one of countless instances. Am I wrong for telling my boyfriend about these instances? I’m not trying to brag, but I just have no one else to talk to about it.
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For context, I don’t have any friends, no family (long story short, my dad kicked me out and cut me off after I outed him for committing fraud with my Social Security information )and my ex has been my only family aside from my grandma for the past two years. I don’t have any friends because my dad abruptly moved us across the country for his job and it’s been hard making friends because I don’t get out much so my boyfriend has been the only person that I can talk to about anything. Apparently I’m attractive which takes some getting used to because I’ve always been extremely insecure so when guys hit on me, it comes as a shock. Some guys aren’t as innocent and make me very nervous. I tell my boyfriend about these creepy instances because I confide in him about everything but he seems to get upset when I do and feels like I’m bragging. It makes me feel like I don’t have anyone to protect me or care about me.
I was in the mall and this guy kept following me around despite me telling him that I had a boyfriend. I called my boyfriend and told him what was going on and he said “well, what did you do to make him feel like he could do that”. I hung up out of anger and feeling betrayed. Another instance was on my job a couple of the security guards were being really creepy and I caught him taking pictures of me. I felt really uncomfortable and grossed out and expressed this to my boyfriend. He accuse me of bragging about male attention when that was not my intentions at all. I started a new job and it’s really hard. I’ve already had so many creepy instances with men and had an Uber driver come into my work, looking for me and requesting to be sat in my section. These are one of countless instances. Am I wrong for telling my boyfriend about these instances? I’m not trying to brag, but I just have no one else to talk to about it.
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1. Telling my boyfriend about the male attention I receive.
2. It could come off as “bragging about attention” despite being in a relationship
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
NTA- sounds like your boyfriend has some possessive/jealousy issues going on. Any healthy relationship would be able to have an open discussion about something that happened and made their partner uncomfortable- especially when it involves the literal harassment of their partner. You are actively being harassed and seeking comfort, and in the situation with the mall, you weren’t just seeking comfort, you were actively seeking advice and help. For him to turn the narrative around and say “what did you do”, proves he may have issues understanding consent as well. If he has the mindset of “she does something to provoke them”, then you already know what mindset he would have if, god forbid, something more serious occurred like an SA. You are not the asshole for seeking comfort and help in dangerous situations, he is for trying to make you feel like it’s your fault.
NTA at all! These aren’t just casual compliments, they’re often creepy and make you feel unsafe. Your boyfriend should be your safe space, not someone who makes you feel worse for sharing.
Nta. He sounds like he’d accuse you of “asking for it” if you got assaulted.
NTA. Your boyfriend has some serious jealousy issues. Him not caring that guys are stalking you is extremely concerning, too.
NTA. You are asking your boyfriend for support and help, and he is twisting your words to make you feel like you have done something wrong.
This is a common tactic of controlling/abusive partners: the goal is to keep you off-balance, make it so you don’t know what to do (after all, if you didn’t tell him about these incidents and he found out some other way, he’d likely accuse you of intentionally hiding it from him, so there is no “right” choice), and also set up the expectation that you are not entitled to emotional support from him (since that is hard to do), although of course I’m sure that he still expects you to provide emotional support to him.
Please read this book, especially if you feel like your boyfriend is the only person you can talk to: https://ia800108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf
NTA- leave that man and go get one that’s proud of how beautiful you are, not insecure about it. His blaming you for dudes hitting on you is a serious red flag.
NTA. My husband would go crazy on whoever did something like that to me. Your bf has insecurity issues and probably bit jealous. If hes blaming you for someone else’s actions, it’s not a good sign. Think long and hard about this relationship. You want someone who has your back not someone who blames you first chance he gets. I understand having no friends to confide in but dont stay in a relationship just for this reason alone.
As for the security guys at work if it happens again is there someone you can talk to ? HR or a manager. May be wise to start a paper trail if nothing else.
NTA but here’s an unsolicited tip: men do NOT want to hear about you getting hit on
NTA – your “boyfriend”, I put it in quotes because he should not be, is victim blaming you.
You’re telling him you feel unsafe and he’s saying it’s your fault, which is mind boggling. You also need to report the security guys at your work if they are taking pictures of you without your permission.
I know it’s hard because you’ve been surrounded by people who don’t value you and take advantage of you but I’d highly recommend living alone for a while and therapy. You deserve better.
NTA
Ditch the boyfriend. You deserve somebody with empathy, somebody who actually respects and cares for you.
NTA. If he won’t protect you, find a real man who will.
He’s already assaulted you and doesn’t care if you get hurt. Actually, it seems he enjoys it when you are hurt.
Read that book that was shared to you and get the hell out of there. What if he forces you into a pregnancy next? Then you’ll never get away and he’ll always have the opportunity to hurt you.
You will be TA if you stay.
Otherwise NTA
You called your boyfriend to tell him you were in multiple situations where men were making you feel uncomfortable and instead of supporting you and finding ways to protect you, he twisted it and made you sound like you were bragging?! WHAT?! His first response should’ve been who are these guys I’ll handle it. Anything other than that is unacceptable!
NTA
I didn’t need to read very far to figure that out. If he’s forced himself on you and is putting you down when other guys or people call you beautiful, he is purposely trying to lower your self-esteem, so you stay with him. It’s manipulation and SA altogether.
You should leave when you are able to
Oh My God. NTA. You’re not telling your boyfriend about times guys are trying to get with you. You’re telling your boyfriend about times you’ve felt unsafe around men. And his response is DISGUSTING. Your boyfriend is someone who would make another woman feel unsafe because he finds her attractive. Get out now. Shake the dust from your shoes as you go.
I don’t think yta, but i think the bigger issue is that there’s a lot of emotional strain on your boyfriend. He can’t be everything for you, that’s not healthy. Maybe he’s insecure, but if he’s your person maybe that’s something you have to work on together, I don’t think it’s unreasonable to communicate that you don’t want to hear about situations that you can’t do anything about.