I (23F) have been with my boyfriend (25M) for about a year and a half. We live together and things have been pretty good.
He’s really loyal and protective of the people he cares about, especially family. That’s part of why this situation feels so complicated.
He has a close female friend (25F) who he’s known for years. They never dated, but she used to be involved with his younger brother. Their friendship pre-dates her going out with his brother. Now she’s also friends with the brother she used to date, but nowhere near as close as she is to my boyfriend.
I’ve never really suspected anything going on between them, but I can admit it took me a little while to get used to dating a guy who had a really close female friend. I’ve just never experienced that before. They talk all the time and I’ll hear her voice randomly and he’s listening to her audio messages he send her. She’s always having problems with guys and relies on him to coach her through it or pull her off the ledge. He has guy friends too, and she hangs out with that whole group – she’s one of those girls if you know what I mean.
She’s also good friends with his female cousin, so she’s pretty woven into their family circle.
She got pregnant by a boyfriend she hadn’t been with for too long. At first, he talked a big game and seemed supportive, but when she was around 4 months pregnant he said he wasn’t ready to be a dad and basically vanished.
A few weeks ago, she asked my boyfriend to be her birth partner. Be in the delivery room, coach her through labor, cut the cord, the whole thing. He said yes without even telling me beforehand.
When he told me, I was kind of astounded. Childbirth is super intimate, and it felt wrong that he’d take on that role for another woman. He said I was being insecure and selfish, that she doesn’t have anyone else she trusts.
I reminded him she dated his brother and is also close with his cousin, and she has to have female friends or family, right? Why him? I can’t imagine asking a male friend, of all people. He said I was being territorial and that I wouldn’t understand unless I was in her shoes. I asked if he’d be okay with me doing that for a male friend’s childbirth (if that were a thing), and he said that’s not fair because it could just never happen.
Honestly, this has been messing with me way more than I thought. I keep replaying conversations in my head, wondering if I’m just paranoid. Wondering if I misjudged and that everything between them isn’t as innocent as I thought. I also don’t want to be this nagging, controlling girlfriend. I feel like if he was forced to choose, he’d pick her and their friendship over me. It’s hard to sleep or relax. I want to support him, but it feels like I’m losing him to her somehow, and that hurts.
Now she’s cold toward me, and he’s upset I’m not being more supportive. I do feel bad for her. She made the decision to keep the baby with this guy who said he would be there. She couldn’t know that he’d just up and leave.
I told him I’m not forbidding him, but I’m being honest about how uncomfortable this makes me.
Comments
NTA. That’s a really intimate and intense ask. I don’t blame you for feeling uncomfortable with this. I would also be questioning the role he’s going to end up having in this child’s life. Who is going to help her recover from the childbirth? Help her with the baby after it’s born? I can already hear him saying “the baby just needs a male role model. I’m like the uncle.” “She just needs extra support right now. Who else can be there to help right now.”
This doesn’t feel like it’s going end at the birth. I would be having some tough conversations with him and some tough internal conversations with myself about this relationship if he’s prioritizing her over your relationship.
NTA and you have every valid reason to be uncomfortable with him being her birth partner and the fact that he even agreed and thinks it’s ok is so wrong and shows that even if it’s not sexual then their friendship is quite intimate.
Most women I know would never have even have a brother in the room.
NTA.
Something’s not right here. I doubt very much that your boyfriend is the father of this child, but what’s happening here is wildly inappropriate. Surely this young woman has one family member or one female friend who can be with her during labour and delivery. And where does it stop? Does your boyfriend “need” to care for her in the postpartum period? Does he “need” to take on the role of father after the birth? Will he “need” to support this child financially?
You say he’s loyal to and protective of the people he cares about, but where is his loyalty to you? He’s prioritising everybody’s feelings except yours. This woman needs to be turning to her family and discussing this baby with his or her biological father, who will have to play some sort of role even if it’s only paying child support. You’re not being a controlling girlfriend. You’re quite rightly insisting on there being some boundaries. Honestly, this would be a deal breaker for me. I’d be moving out of that house and leaving him to his weird, enmeshed life.
NTA. I’m usually very supportive of male-female friendships; I don’t like the belief that they can’t be friends, but this crosses a huge boundary.
I don’t think he is going to back down with this decision; for your peace of mind, you better end this relationship and continue your life in peace.
It IS a very intimate thing. I would be uncomfortable with it also.
My husband has always had female friends. Like at parties he is in he kitchen with the women. In high school, other girls came on to him all the time. I had to grow a thick skin. Now that we are old and he lost his mentor/best friend of over 30 years to cancer, the widow and he travel without me. I hate to fly, so it has worked out well. Widow is very much his friend. She is about 10 years older than us, in her late 70s and not in the best health.
I have to admit I was a bit annoyed when she bought us a silk rug in Cambodia when they were there. I had a rug in the livingroom that I bought that is very different than the rug she bought us (and paid big bucks for). But I sucked it up, it’s not that big of a deal when you get down to it.
But she is not pregnant and he is not looking “down there” and cutting a cord?? My husband did not do that and he was a very active coach with my 3 births. I don’t think it was that big of a thing in the late 70s and 80s.
You have to either come to terms with it or draw the line in the sand and deal with whatever the fallout is, even losing him. I don’t think I could handle that. NTA.
Can you pinpoint exactly what makes you uncomfortable and talk about it at that level? Is it that he’ll see her vajayjay? (Squeezing out a human, so not in a sexual way.) is it that she trusts him that much? That in all the world the one she wants holding her hand at the scariest and most painful moment of her life is him?
Or is it just that you don’t want him to share something that intimate with another woman? That if you and he ever have a baby, it will be your first time in that room but not his?
Try to put your specific feelings into words. That will help him understand that dismissing it as just being territorial is a big glib, when big messy thoughts are keeping you up at night. NTA
NTA…..I would also be unsure of the paternity of that baby.
Ask him if he’d be okay with you getting naked from the waist down and letting his brother see you in all your glory.
If he’s cutting the cord and everything, then he’s likely to be seeing more of her than I’d be comfortable with if he was my partner.
If he doesn’t care about your feelings on the matter, then he doesn’t care about you.
He never even gave you a second thought when he accepted.
Throw the whole man away!
NTA that is clearly his baby.
NTA. I wouldn’t want my partner holding her and letting her squeeze his hand, breathing together, and then witnessing a baby coming out of someone else’s vagina and cutting the cord. That’s a very physically and emotionally intimate experience.
He’s also basically committing to being there for her for the duration of the pregnancy, doing pre-natal lamaze class, etc. I saw another comment where you said she’s discussing baby names with him. So basically, he’s her emotional support person and birth companion for the duration of the pregnancy, and then what? He’s just going to let her single-mom all by herself? Doubtful.
And the fact that he said yes without discussing it with you tells me that he knew that you would say weren’t comfortable with it, so he did it anyway and now you get to be the bad guy for saying anything.
I also wouldn’t stay in a relationship where I felt like he’d choose someone else over me.
I’d end this and tell him that he should pull his head out of his ass and tell her that he really wishes she would pick him instead of the assholes she always picks. Maybe now that she’s on the single mom track, she will decide steady and kind is actually the way to go.
NTA.
And it is a very intimate thing. Bonding too.
Being there for a very emotional moment.
You aren’t being unreasonable.
NTA. It’s probably his baby and he doesn’t want to admit it
Drop him. She ll always come first.
From a selfish man’s perspective (yes I’m an expert), there is only one plausible reason he’s so interested.
Tell him you want a paternity test.
‘I feel like if he was forced to choose, he’d pick her and their friendship over me.’
This is the actual problem. I wouldn’t actually mind my husband doing this for one of his close friends, but that’s because I know I’m his priority.
Have you discussed the future? 18 months isn’t that long, but by now you should know if you’re serious. And, if you are, you should feel that you’re his main priority. That doesn’t mean he shouldn’t do the birth thing. It does mean that you need to talk to him about your relationship and where it’s going.
NAH
NTA. This is weird. She doesn’t need a partner in the delivery room when she doesn’t have a partner. Something tells me this is just the beginning of the role she has planned for your(?) bf in her and her baby’s life.
I have pushed a baby out and would not want anyone but a nurse, close female friend, mom/family member or partner present. The emotional bond that will develop between the 2 and the baby if he cuts the cord will not end at the baby’s birth. I would fully expect that he will fill the Dad role after this experience. Be prepared for them to be even closer after this.
NTA. I’ve been pregnant and the thought of having a male friend with me during labor makes me cringe. It’s a very intimate experience. I’d reconsider the relationship because if you’re feeling he kinda has to choose between his friend or you… no bueno. No one deserves to feel like a second option or walking on eggshells when your reasons are valid. I understand she’s alone and that sucks, especially during pregnancy/motherhood but there must be boundaries. It seems she doesn’t respect the fact he’s in a relationship and this isn’t a small ask.
Good luck and keep us updated.
Not the asshole it’s freaking weird! Do not let them make you feel bad about it. Are you sure it’s not his baby like 100% sure
I’m in my 40s my kids are teenagers, I had male friends when I was pregnant with them and there is no way in hell I would want any of those friends in the damn delivery room! Or to be such an intimate part of the birth it is strange beyond belief shame on your boyfriend for even entertaining this, you should honestly reevaluate this relationship! Any man who love loves and respect you would’ve shut her down immediately and been like nope I love my girlfriend and this is just too weird
NTA, he made a big commitment without talking to you about it. Will he be taking birthing classes with her? Babies rarely show up on the due date, so he will likely need to be prepared to change to cancel plans when she goes into labor. Will he be there after the birth? Or when she goes home? Basically, he’s made a serious commitment without talking to you or even asking you how you would feel about it. Rather than just saying it makes you uncomfortable, I’d start asking him questions.
Umm, is he the real dad? Yikes 💀
You mean he wants to be present for the birth of his baby that he 99% impregnated her with?
you answered your own question…he would pick her over you and now that u pretty much know that the question would be if u should stay or not in an a relationship that you are 2nd or 3rd place in his life. once the baby is born he probably will spend most of his time with her helping her after birth and so forth.
NTA, I replied on your other post as well. If this girl needs support like that she’s not going to stop at the birth. She will be expecting him to help, often. She sounds like she’s codependent on him, and that will intensify after baby comes. And he sounds like he’ll step up to be there 🤷🏼♀️ i personally would not tolerate that.
Babe… This is not a you problem: this is a problem with BOTH of them.
Listen to your gut… It already knows and it’s telling you something is WAY off here.
You are NOT overreacting.
This woman is going to be a continual interruption in your lives together.
S X,Z
I would cut my losses now before you invest any more time in this already doomed relationship. This is just the beginning, and it’s only going to get worse. After the birth, he’ll be asked to help with the baby. Take them to doctors’ appointments, run errands for her. “The baby cried all night. Can you come over and look after it until I get some rest?” While they play happy little family and bond, you’ll be watching from the sidelines like a fourth wheel in your own relationship. I wouldn’t even talk about the fact that this child could be his. Run now.
If he takes you seriously as a partner, he wont do it. Him being a donor to his friend is going to complicate EVERY person he ever dates. And that’s a really regular human thing to avoid the fuck out of. Honestly, they will probably end up together in some uncomfortable capacity. I would avoid that entire situation like a plague.
Why do people, females especially, have the need to make everything suspicious, inappropriate and/or “sinister”? Most of you never had a true male friend whom you trusted like a sibling without anything sex related involved and it shows.
First of all NTA, yet
Now it’s him being active in her labor plan, next is him being a big part in the child’s life. Because he’ll feel protective of it. You’re never gonna be number one in his life! Imagine having a baby with him, he will not be there for you or your baby. Because hers will always be the number one! The one without a daddy, so he will do the dad part.
I’m sorry but it feels like you’re his reserve girl.
If there is a chance there was an affair and it’s his kid, NTA.
If not?
Treat it as it is, a noble act of a devoted friend and leave it at that.
NTA but these comments truly are sad and pitiful. Why is everyone jumping to the conclusion that he’s secretly cheating and that he’s the father? You guys DO know that you don’t HAVE to say she’s not the asshole…right?
You have every reason under the sun to be weary of this situation. It’s a unique experience for sure. But wow people. Showing insecurities much? Let’s be realistic now. Downvote me if you want but this is nothing but realism I’m talking
Yeah that’s super weird. You are NTA
I think you’re being really understanding and supportive but this crossing a relationship boundary for me. You simply don’t get this involved in another woman’s life when you have a girlfriend
Does she not have any siblings, parents or other relatives? Heck, she can just get a doula
It’s asking him to be the birth partner now but then she’s going to want him as a proxy dad for the kid when it’s born
Is this the situation where you say “I need to check the paternity?”
Let them be their weird pseudo family. He’ll continue to put her needs first and it’ll get worse after the baby is born. Cut him loose and find a real boyfriend—stop being placeholder. NTA
UpdateMe!
It’s OK to be close to people, but this is crossing the line. It sounds like he’s too involved and he’s gonna be very involved afterwards and do you really wanna be in that situation to compete basically with a so-called friend I would cut my losses and move on they are definitely gaslighting you and why does she know what you said and she’s acting cold to you because he told her he probably tells her everything what you told him how you feel was between you and him and he involved her don’t you think that’s a little suspicious why does she need to know what you said?
A
That’s his baby.
Why don’t you ask if you can be there to support her too?! That’s what my compromise would be.
Also, the more people giving her support, the better, right?
Maybe that could turn things around with the entire group. That way, you can be closely involved and see things for yourself. She gets additional support, and your boyfriend can be there for her while keeping you happy.
If that happened, I would probably put my best foot forward and genuinely try to be supportive unless I saw something else.
Hell no. Cut your losses and move on from this crap. NTA but you need to realise you are way down the list of priorities
Straight up , if you break up he WILL be with her raising that child .
At your age , You need to walk away
I feel like you should send him this reddit and let him read. NTA. I definitely get where you are coming from. Id be uncomfortable too
I don’t think you’re the asshole here, but if this is bothering you that badly, why stay? You will always have that nagging feeling in the back of your mind, and it sounds like he’ll always choose her and her baby over you. He chose her without asking how you would feel. That sounds pretty disrespectful.
I get that you love him, but sometimes love just isn’t enough. What’s love without respect? Without communication?
After only 18 months, and being as young as you are, I’d probably choose my best friend too.
That said, after only 18 months, I’d probably also choose to leave this drama bomb behind.
There’s no way she doesn’t try to monopolize his time in the future because she wants a father figure for her kid. Not that that’s against the law or anything, but I wouldn’t want to deal with it when there are billions of other men out there.
Probably an unpopular opinion but:
ESH.
Her because she’s too involved with their family and depending too much on him for her emotional needs.
Him for allowing this and prioritizing her over his own relationship.
You, because you know this isn’t okay. You said yourself he’d probably pick her over you. So you should have already been packing to move out or have him packing to leave. Your boyfriend is literally telling and showing you that his “friends” feelings, needs and comfort matter more than your own. You’re almost trying to gaslight yourself into thinking it may be okay and that you’re just overreacting.
I’m sorry but if you’re in a relationship, you shouldn’t be staring at anyone else’s genitals… let alone cutting the cord, etc. is he also going to put his name on the BC if she asks? Of course it’s highly probable it IS his, but if not, she may convince him to do so to keep the other dude away because legally your bf would be the father…
The red flags are waving at you in 4K. Get out now before you end up pregnant too or stay and they end up hooking up or you later find out it is in fact his baby…
As a woman myself, we have to stop tolerating absolute nonsense just to be with a man. Or anyone for that matter.
If my husband came home and told me that he planned to be in the delivery room with his female bestie, I’d still have his shit packed within the hour. Matter of fact, I probably wouldn’t even waste time packing, it’d be slung out in the front yard!
Another day on reddit, another post where a man can’t do anything good towards a woman unless there is an ulterior motive behind.
OP leave the poor man, you clearly never where okay with him being close to her, her mom is dead and her sister liver very far, so the most reliable person she can trust to be with her it that scary and vulnerable moment is her best friend (your bf), you bf being a good friend accepted.
Unless he has prioritized her instead of you a lot of times in the past, there is no reason to think he doesn’t care about you, and you are just being paranoid, reddit will only make your parania worse, because in the eyes of most redditors men can do anything good unless they have bad intentions.
NTA – Not appropriate for someone in a committed relationship- what happens when the baby needs milk – does he leave you to go tend to her needs? It appears that she has other options – but your BF seems like he likes being an option- think carefully before proceeding
Him not even talking to you about it before agreeing and then arguing with you about your feelings? That’s enough of a reason to break up with this guy, regardless if he’s cheating or not.
I don’t think anyone is an AH here but I don’t see the issue. If they’ve been friends for that long, maybe he just knows her well enough to be able to help her through something really painful and emotional and she doesn’t feel that close or trusting with anyone else.
YTA. I guess I’ll get down voted for this, but I think it is super insecure to not want someone to be friends with someone of the opposite sex, and being a friend means supporting them in their time of need.
As they say, fish or cut bait. Either you trust your boyfriend and this is fine or you don’t trust him and you shouldn’t be together.
NTA
Break up
Do you honestly think she is going to “borrow” your bf for the birth and then give him back? No way that will happen. They talk and message constantly. They are deep in each other’s lives and that will never change.
She has no respect for you and he is allowing it.
He will start going to her medical appointments with her, birthing classes, she will call him for EVERYTHING… when her water breaks, he will take her to the hospital, stay with her, take THEM home… and on and on.
Is this a life you can live with? Do you honestly see marrying this man? You are a third wheel in their relationship.
Time to Cut The Cord .. pun intended.
NTA
NTA, if be uncomfortable with it as well, but what really strikes me as a red flag on your situation is that she’s now giving you the child shoulder. That means that even though you didn’t issue an ultimatum, he went to her and told her you were uncomfortable. I think that’s what would seal the deal for me. I don’t think I’d stay in this relationship. I could deal with a close female friend but not discussing my feelings about things with them.
This is probably going to be unpopular, but men and women can be friends and nothing more. My best friend is male. We have NEVER been any kind of romantic anything. GROSS 🤮 it would be like being with my brother.
That being said, he was in the delivery room with me and my husband. My mom and brother-in-law were there as well. These were the people I trusted most and it was important to have them there to comfort me through that process. Most 1st time mothers are terrified of giving birth.
I understand that you feel this is intimate. You’re not wrong, child birth is intimate. That doesn’t mean it’s any kind of romantic thing. They’re close friends and this is important for her. Try to have some compassion for her situation. Baby daddy left and it probably means a lot to have someone there who she knows she can trust.
NTA what the fuck??? The way he doesn’t understand how absolutely absurd that is is insane. And to not even ask you??? Wow
NTA. The most likely reason he wants to do it is he’s the father.
I’m sorry, but even if he’s not, this would be a deal breaker for me. You are legit uncomfortable but he’s putting her feelings first?? Just no.
We can talk about friends but this is at the far right of the familiarity bell curve.
NTA
is there any reason why the both of them have such a strong bond? Did they grew up like siblings?
If she would be her sister, I would feel fine with it. But like this I am also struggling to understand if she wants him to be the cool uncle.. or the das for her kid.
Difficult to judge without further infos about their bond.
You’d be an emotion cuck to put up with this level of familiarity.
Ok and then what? The baby is born and he was there for the child birth.. so then he’s a step in father figure. He’s going to attend all the events and be there to support her because now he has this emotional attachment to this baby. Girl let him. He’s going to choose her and them over you and it starts now
NTA – I have a number of male friends. If I ended up pregnant (please no!) I would never feel comfortable asking any of my guy friends to do any of that stuff, and I have a couple friends who are very much like family.
That’s…. too much.
Updateme
He’s your boyfriend not your property. He wants to support his friend who has been in his life longer than you. If I were you I’d break up with him if I couldn’t handle their relationship. I actually think it’s kinda sweet that he’s stepping up to help her, it sounds like the baby won’t have a dad but at least the baby will have a positive male figure in their life.
NTA. Personally, I just wouldn’t be interested in a serious relationship with someone where I’m not their number 1. I don’t have the time or inclination to waste my life playing second-fiddle to someone else in my partners life and I don’t think you should either OP; you’re worth more than that.
You’re feeling insecure because he actually would pick her. She is his number 1. She outranks you. Her needs are his priority, your discomfort with that puts you on the outs. Pretty hard to build a relationship with that as a foundation. Wouldn’t it be better to be single than be the runner-up in this guys life? 🤷♀️
NTAH! Giving birth is very personal. Being half naked and in a vulnerable state. I didn’t want anyone to see me during that time except my husband. I wasn’t going to allow anyone else! Except my mom if she had wanted to, because that’s my mom! But that’s it! It is very strange!! And I’ll be honest, before I finished reading your story I said to myself, he’s the father!
And if by some chance he is not, make him prove it! Give him an ultimatum. This is where you have to draw the line. Nip it in the bud! She can ask someone else! Her mom, her friend an aunt a cousin etc…
If it were me, I wouldn’t dare ask my friend who not only is a male, but a male in a relationship! She has no respect towards you or your feelings.
When I started dating my husband, he too had a very close girlfriend. But I wasn’t playing that. The very first time he put me on hold for something she needed, I went to dinner with my ex. He called me during dinner to check on me and I told him exactly where I was, and with whom I was with.
He snapped out of that $h!t real quick! Needless to say, never heard from her since. No Mam! You have to show him You won’t be treated that way and he HAS to choose. It is NOT normal, he is NOT just being nice! It IS weird and It’s down right disrespectful and you should not stand for it! Period!! It will be hard especially since you live together, but it will be even harder each time he runs to her, and leaves you hanging! We all know there’s more to come!
You have to show people how to treat you! Always keep your cool and keep your emotions in check. At least in front of them 😉 Hope it all goes your way. But if it doesn’t, that just means there’s someone better for you out there.
NTA – it’s not gonna stop after the baby is born.
What if she asks him to put his name on the brith certificate? What if she asks him to temporarily move in to ‘coach her’ for the first few weeks? What if she asks him for ‘family’ days out, just them?
Your bf has never put up boundaries with her, and so he doesn’t see the need to discuss things with you or consider your feelings.
You already know he would choose her over you, so why are you still there?