My boyfriend and I have been together for almost three years and we’ve been talking more seriously about marriage lately. Nothing is official yet, but we’ve both agreed that when the time comes, we want a small, intimate wedding.
The problem is his sister. She’s super overbearing and loves to take control of every family event. She’s already made comments like “when you two get married, I’ll make sure it’s perfect” and “I already have ideas for your color palette.” I barely know her that well and we don’t have a close relationship, so it’s been stressing me out.
I finally told my boyfriend, as kindly as I could, that I didn’t want his sister heavily involved in planning our wedding. I said I’d rather keep it between us and maybe a planner we both choose. He got quiet, then said I was being unfair and that his sister was just excited for him.
Now I feel torn. I don’t want to start unnecessary drama, but I also don’t want to feel like a guest at my own wedding.
AITAH for drawing that boundary before we’re even engaged?
Comments
NTA. The only way you are going to get what you want is to plan it yourself. It sounds like she has over the top ideas already.
If you let his sister become involved in your wedding, she will be running every event you hold.
Tell him to man up this wedding is about you and him, not her.
If he refuses, are you sure you have the right man?
You say “Thank you boyfriend, for showing me now who’s back you’re going to have in the future and that your sister’s feelings mean more to you than us being able to plan our own wedding the way we want”. Wedding planning is both highly stressful and simultaneously joyful as you piece together what you want. There’s nothing wrong with you wanting to keep that between you and your future fiancé.
NTA. If he is already backing his family over the planning of your supposed future wedding, what other things is he going to side with his family with? Where you want to buy a house and what you want it to look like? How future holidays are split between families or just by yourselves?
Nope. Time to sit down and have an honest conversation of the future and how he plans to block his family from decisions that should only include you and him. If you can’t trust him to be fully on your side
Ask him who he wants happy at this wedding, you or her. If you don’t put a foot down now, it will only get worse.
Nta
This is just a boyfriend. Not all boyfriends get promoted to fiancé and not all fiancés get promoted to husband. This is a big red flag that seems to go beyond a PIP and may call for an immediate dismissal.
NTA but remember, dating is a trial period, not a lifelong commitment. Sometimes boyfriends just don’t make the cut
NTA but your bf needs to grow a set of balls and tell his sister that you & him are planning it.
Or if your parents are contributing, he can tell her your mom is planning it with you.
If he doesn’t, then unfortunately, you have 2 choices 1)put up with her interference in the future (because you know she will) or 2)you walk away.
I can already tell you’re not confrontational.
I want you to stop thinking about this meaning you’re being difficult. I think it would be helpful if you started realizing that you’re not just drawing a boundary, you’re protecting the health and happiness of your marriage.
If you don’t start now, this will chip away at the foundation of your marriage before it even starts. He may not see that yet. But you can help him.
It’s important to have the tough conversations now before it’s too late. Tell him that.
I mean, think about and talk about how involved his family will be if you decide to have babies. Have you discussed those kinds of boundaries?
Really think about these types of things before committing to the engagement
NTA, remind him that it’s not her wedding and you’ll want to do everything she will be doing, she can help but ultimately you will be the one deciding what’s going or what’s worth it. If she oversteps cut her out of it entirely. She will run you over if you let her, let your boyfriend know if he can’t back you up on this you’ll cancel the whole wedding (which you should, she will be bulldoze you and he will let her)
Tell her she’s in charge of only one thing and if she deviates outside that one thing then you’ll replace her. Give her napkins…
Why are you getting stressed out by her comments? She can comment as much as she likes, but you could shut it down politely kindly in one swift axe chop. Such as., ‘ if and when I get married my future husband and I will be in charge of all the plans but thank you for offering.’
Stand up for yourself, girl ! By allowing her to keep commenting what you fear is more likely to be happening.
Even if your polite comment above, which you can use over and over again grey rock style, doesn’t seem to do the trick – if and when the wedding to this guy happens, then you just don’t allow her.
You are acting as if you have no power or control in this situation . This is your mutual wedding, the only way is someone would interfere and take charges if you let them.
If your bf won’t sort his sister out then you may want to reconsider if this is the wing man you want for the rest of your life
NTA but he has now told you that his sister’s happiness is more important to him than yours, even on your wedding day. Sure this guy is worth dating?
He hasn’t proposed yet. So this is the perfect time to draw boundaries. Next time his sister makes a comment just tell her firmly that you want to use your own Ideas. Don’t try to be nice and sound hesitant. And see what happens. I’m telling you from now it’s going to either set clear boundaries or the relationship will end. A stitch in time saves nine as they say. Make drama now so you don’t have to make it on your wedding day.
NTA except towards yourself.
The problem isn’t really his sister, the problem is him either having no backbone or actually feeling his sister‘s opinion, feelings and taste are more important than yours on your own wedding day
NTA, sit him down and say, “Here’s the thing, BF, when the time comes, I’M excited to plan OUR wedding. You. Me. My mom. My bestie. I’ve dreamed about planning my wedding since… Your sister got to plan her own wedding the way she wanted. I want to plan my own wedding. This is a hill I am willing to die on. We have to come to an agreement and be a united front on this.” If your BF can’t agree with you on this basic, fundamental thing, then you have a glimpse into your married life where his family’s wants are always going to come before you. Good luck.
Nta. Tell him his sister can plan the wedding when he marries her. Otherwise, you’re planning it.
I think your boyfriend’s making it really clear up front that he’s not going to take your side and then he’s going to take his sister’s side. Huge red flag to me.
NTA, I wonder what he’ll say to what everyone’s saying here!!! Show him how wrong he is. Is he sleeping with his sister or you?? Like, youre his future. Who he’s supposed to prioritize. She can do her own planning for her own wedding.
Look ignore it. But if moment comes “oh i have my own ideas for my wedding, we will manage on our own but thank for thinking about us. “ any but is met with “thank you i will think about it when i have time” or “we will take it into consideration when we will make decisions” “plesse donr stress yourself we have it under control” “oh i already decided on that. But thanks”
This is a preview on what will happen after the wedding. He’s already choosing her feelings over yours.
Draw your conclusions.
Tell him you are sorry, but you understand now that he is not ready to marry you. Let him know that when he is wanting to place your opinions over hers you can revisit the topic.
This is something you need to put your foot down on. You two need to be on the same page with being in a partnership, and this includes if family is getting too in your face. She can be excited without being the wedding planner. Keep in mind that you will be setting the precedent with important events. If you let her run with her plans even though it’s your event, you will never own your events again. If he can’t tell her that he appreciates her enthusiasm but you will either be running the show or (more wisely) getting a wedding planner involved, you’re going to find that you’ve married more than one person.
I’m going with NAH… yet. She is excited, he wants to share her enthusiasm, and you rightly want to a wedding that caters to your desires not your S.I.L. Nothing’s set in stone. But if he lets her steamroll if/when it comes to the main event, they will both earn the AH title.
NTA – don’t marry him until he commits to keeping sister at arms length. His reaction appears as if he has either already told her she can plan it, or he is totally under her thumb. Neither is a good position to start from.
Red flag right away.
NTA, but your BF not supporting you in this is a major red flag.
NTA. If you let her, she’ll soon control every aspects of your future. Sounds like his sister is living in her fantasy world where she’s the one marrying your boyfriend, not you. She can plan everything for her own wedding to her brother but you should think hard if you want to be a third wheel in your own relationship which your boyfriend entertains his sister incest fantasy.
NTA. But all of the advice others have given is going to harm your relationship. People love giving extreme advice they wouldn’t follow in their own lives. Wait and see what happens when you begin planning. THEN you can revisit the conversation. Youve said your piece, you don’t know his sister well and if he’s right or you are.
He cares more about his sister’s potential hurt feelings than your comfort and happiness. This isn’t a good sign. He doesn’t need to see things from your point of view he just has to respect and support it.
NTA. It’s not “unfair” to not want someone heavily involved in your wedding. You expressed your feelings/desires and he responded inappropriately.
If your bf doesn’t have your back now he NEVER will! Are you sure you want to marry into this family dynamic and have his overbearing sister running your life? First it’s the wedding, then what house to buy, how to raise your child, etc….He’s obviously spineless or he’d have agreed with you immediately. He made a choice and he chose to let his sister continue her interfering controlling behavior unchallenged. This is what your life will look like. He should’ve chosen you. Can you live with that?
You’re mad about a conversation, relating to a potential situation, for a potential event, after a potential proposal? YTA for making problems out of nothing OP.
You say yourself that you barely know her, you barely know your bf’s sister after three years? Take those comments as what they are: compliments and approval.
If the time comes that you actually become engaged and she wants to get involved, feel free to have a visionboard event with some of the girls so you can all have fun with it, then do your own thing. It’s literally that simple. But OP, if you’re already feeling out drama at the talking stage, are you sure you’re ready for marriage?
NTA. His sister can be excited about the choices you both make, together, without her intervention.
Nta, your fiancee needs to talk to his sister with a spine. If not, I’m not sure this guy is ready for marriage.