I (26F) have been dating my boyfriend (29M) for a little over two years. We moved in together six months ago, and things have been solid overall. We communicate well, he’s kind, and I genuinely see a future with him.
Recently, his 14-year-old brother came to live with us. Their mom passed away unexpectedly earlier this year, and the dad is completely out of the picture. At the time, it didn’t even feel like a question. Of course we’d take him in. My boyfriend is the only real family the kid has, and I understood this was a traumatic, fragile time.
But here’s the thing. It’s been three months, and I feel like I’ve become a default parent. I do the grocery shopping, I cook most nights, I help with homework, I’ve rearranged my work schedule to be home when he gets back from school. Meanwhile, my boyfriend works long hours, and though he tries to check in emotionally, the practical load is mostly falling on me.
I didn’t sign up to be a surrogate mom at 26. I don’t hate his brother. He’s a good kid, honestly. But I didn’t choose this role. I feel like I’ve been placed into something I didn’t agree to.
Last week I brought this up to my boyfriend. I told him gently that I was feeling overwhelmed and like this whole situation had reshaped my life in a way I didn’t fully consent to. I said I needed him to take on more of the emotional and physical responsibility, or at least acknowledge that this isn’t just a “we” situation. It’s his sibling.
He got quiet and said, “So what, you want to send him away? He’s a kid.” I told him no, that’s not what I’m saying. But I also said I don’t want to be made to feel guilty for not wanting to raise someone else’s child when I didn’t plan for that.
Since then, he’s been distant. Conversations feel tense. Yesterday I came home from work and he had taken the day off. When I asked why, he said, “We need to talk. But I think we both already know where this is going.”
And now I don’t know what to think.
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Original copy of post’s text by /u/Gachuuru:
I (26F) have been dating my boyfriend (29M) for a little over two years. We moved in together six months ago, and things have been solid overall. We communicate well, he’s kind, and I genuinely see a future with him.
Recently, his 14-year-old brother came to live with us. Their mom passed away unexpectedly earlier this year, and the dad is completely out of the picture. At the time, it didn’t even feel like a question. Of course we’d take him in. My boyfriend is the only real family the kid has, and I understood this was a traumatic, fragile time.
But here’s the thing. It’s been three months, and I feel like I’ve become a default parent. I do the grocery shopping, I cook most nights, I help with homework, I’ve rearranged my work schedule to be home when he gets back from school. Meanwhile, my boyfriend works long hours, and though he tries to check in emotionally, the practical load is mostly falling on me.
I didn’t sign up to be a surrogate mom at 26. I don’t hate his brother. He’s a good kid, honestly. But I didn’t choose this role. I feel like I’ve been placed into something I didn’t agree to.
Last week I brought this up to my boyfriend. I told him gently that I was feeling overwhelmed and like this whole situation had reshaped my life in a way I didn’t fully consent to. I said I needed him to take on more of the emotional and physical responsibility, or at least acknowledge that this isn’t just a “we” situation. It’s his sibling.
He got quiet and said, “So what, you want to send him away? He’s a kid.” I told him no, that’s not what I’m saying. But I also said I don’t want to be made to feel guilty for not wanting to raise someone else’s child when I didn’t plan for that.
Since then, he’s been distant. Conversations feel tense. Yesterday I came home from work and he had taken the day off. When I asked why, he said, “We need to talk. But I think we both already know where this is going.”
And now I don’t know what to think.
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So when he talked to you about his brother moving in, what did you say?
NTA dude, total respect for stepping up in a tough sitch, but it ain’t all on you. Like it’s his fam, so he’s gotta be part of that childcare grind too. Setting boundaries ain’t the same as bailing. Honestly, dude needs to step up, or maybe consider other options for the kiddo where there’s more support. Good luck tho, sounds like a tough ride.
NTA. As you said you didn’t sign for this. Also you never ask to send brother away, you asked your boyfriend to be more involved with his brother.
Makes me feel about an old post where the boyfriend wanted him and his girlfriend to take care of his siblings after the death of the parents. It was presented as mandatory by the boyfriend but the girlfriend was the one who would have had to reorganize her life to make it work. So she broke up and moved out. The boyfriend didn’t take the kids in finally and asked the girlfriend to come back. She didn’t.
You don’t have to be the default caregiver for his sibling. His father should be. And if your boyfriend wants to do it to help his father, HE should do it.
Edit: Teacup is right, there is no dad but my conclusion stays the same: OP shouldn’t be the main caregiver if she doesn’t want to.
NTA. You are both dealing with a lot. He is dealing with the grief from his mom dying and the added responsibility of now raising his little brother. He might be checked out emotionally because he is overwhelmed with his emotions too. That said, it’s not fair to put all of this on you.
If you don’t want to stay, that’s okay. Your bf’s little brother is his priority for the next few years. You’re not a bad person and neither is he.
Gonna have to say YTA. Maybe this isn’t the situation you signed up for, but your partner and his brother didn’t exactly choose this for their lives either. Of course your partner wants to be his brother’s family and guardian. And if you can’t be there for your partner maybe it’s time to part ways. You seem very self focused right now. Maybe take some time to reflect on this situation both from your partner’s perspective, his brother’s perspective and a very removed perspective (Reddit users).
NAH/ESH here
In these 3 months, how has your boyfriend been coping with the death of his mother? Is he receiving any grief counselling, or is he doing long hours at work to avoid going home where he has to face that his mother is dead and he’s suddenly become a parent with no preparation?
It’s great that you’re helping with his brother, and you should speak up if you’re drowning. But there’s so little mention of how your boyfriend is doing. Is anyone checking in on him?
You’re not the asshole. You shouldn’t think of it as being a surrogate mom think of it as being a big sister since he’s your bf’s brother. As you said to him you didn’t see your life going that way. It’s a huge adjustment to taking care of a child and dealing with the death of a parent. The discussion should be that he’s going to make arrangements so that he’s going to do more of the work in caring for his little brother.
It sounds like both of you need to think about how to change the situation. This is a 14-year-old. It can be a difficult age, but they can also be very helpful.
Is there any reason the 14-year-old can’t find something after school.? When my child was 14, there was an after school homework club that was very useful. We actually liked the homework club because they had people there who could help with the homework.
Did the 14-year-old start picking up some of your chores? Maybe helping with some food prep? Maybe helping with cleaning up after meals?
Could boyfriend start stepping up on weekends? Giving OP free time to do what she wants to do. Even if that is just taking a nap. Or hanging out with her friends or whatever.
OP is right, it shouldn’t just all be on her.
NTA, communication is key imo.
You have become a surrogate mother no doubt about that.
Bf is doing what he can for his brother, no doubt about that either.
How you work this out will have an impact on everything.
At 14 brother is old enough to help out and should be old enough to be self sufficient in many area’s of day to day living.
You are parental figures by circumstance
Bf hopefully can appreciate how this has changed you life,expectations, time ect.
Everyone has a role to play if you guys are going to be good
NTA
Probably NAH.
You’ve not explained the work situations enough. He works long hours, and youre able to work less hours – why is that, who brings home most money? Could he have reduced his hours instead of you? How was that decision made?
Its a situation forced on all of you, through no fault of your own.
Not your responsibility.
NTA but also you might need to have a very serious conversation with your boyfriend about this.
What would he be doing different if you were not in his life? You are not a given and not to be taken for granted, you are not his mom or even his step mom. Besides, it’s a 14yo, he needs to learn cooking and shopping and doing laundry himself already, it’s not the issue of a small child.
Yes he knows where this is going, because he’s known the whole time what he was doing,
Best of luck to you!
Nah
You need to take a few days for yourself to decompress. That way you can breathe & your boyfriend can understand the tasks that you are helping him out with. He can take this time to find a better balance to contribute better to your changed situation. This way you can find a better new dynamic.
You aren’t compatible anymore.
You didn’t plan to be a surrogate mother, and he didn’t plan for his mother to die, but this is the situation dropped in y’all’s laps.
You can do two things in this situation you can stay and help support your partner and his brother through the next 4 years of high school and hopefully get him off to college, or you can leave. You have a say in this.
It just might not be the say you thought you had.
NTA
I understand stepping up and helping but it sounds like you have rearranged your life for his brother to come into your home and taken on the care of his brother and he hasn’t. If he is going to leave the sole parenting of his brother on you this isn’t fair. But it may also be a good indication of what it would be like having a child with him.
I guess the question is, is it that you don’t want to do these things at all? Or is that you feel you are doing EVERYTHING and with no support from your partner?
If you are happy to help raise him then a conversation needs to be had about sharing the workload more to make it feel balanced. But if you aren’t willing to “raise” his little brother you gotta go.
NTA. You’re entitled to feel how you feel. I get it. And it doesn’t make you a bad person.
Equally, him finishing with you because of the choice he has made (his brother rightly imo should come first) doesn’t make him one either.
I hope it works out for the best.
NTA. You didn’t say you didn’t want the kid, you said you needed him to step up and be more involved. That’s pretty fair.
Technically NTA but sometimes life throws some shit at us we didn’t expect. Try speaking to your partner and work through what is expected of him and his brother. My partner was left paralysed after surgery, now I am his carer , definitely not something I signed up for, but it’s something we work through together…
I am/was your BF.
So let’s me share some perspective. I do not blame my first adult long term relationship for ending because she wanted to explore life. She did it in not the best way, but in the end I knew our breakup was mainly because a life tied to me was likely to be a life tied to raising my brother and sister. She wasn’t ready for that, and I understood. You wouldn’t be the Ahole if this life isn’t for you and you need to leave.
That said, I ended up marrying her best friend. A woman who did fully accept my life and family despite hateing some of them. We now have 2 kids and beautiful life. I can’t imagine life with out her.
You sound like a decent person, but if you aren’t truly all in for this life. Leave now so that your boyfriend and his brother can struggle now, but figure their lives out. Then they can recover sooner and be better off in the long run.
Also truthfully, i doubt your boyfriend will hate you at all. However, the feeling of disconnect that conversation created for him. That isn’t easy to come back from ever. The first time I realized my ex wasn’t ok with the life I had chose (on behalf of my siblings) was the beginning of the end. I’ve felt sorry for her everyday since and never respected her the way I once did.
I can understand the lack of communication before taking in his little brother considering the circumstances, but the two of you really needed to have a frank discussion long before now.
His brother is going to need a home for at least four years. Your boyfriend would be an AH if he dumped his brother into foster care when he’s able to give him a home and family. But you’re not wrong for being upset at becoming a single mother. Your partner needs to step up too. If he needs to find a new job in order to be a present and involved father, then he needs to do it.
There’s a big gap between you not wanting to be a single mom and you wanting his brother gone and I don’t think he sees that.
Edited to verdict – NTA nobody in this situation is bad, but the lack of clarity over what you’re both ready to commit to is now a big problem.
Time for honesty, with yourself and your boyfriend.
You used the words ‘solid’ and ‘kind’ but what you didn’t say was that you love him, that you want to commit to a life and building a family with him. That’s an entirely different thing to ‘seeing a future’ with him.
You haven’t said those things because you probably don’t feel all those things.
If you did, there’d be some adjustment time and teething problems etc but your priority would be the grief and devastation of your boyfriend and his little brother. Instead your focus after quite a short period of time is yourself and the impact on your life.
This does not make you a bad person. But you DO need to decide now, albeit a bit late, exactly what you’re happy and fully willing to commit to. You moved in with this unclear or misunderstood between you.
Bro is 14 – this could be managed better by both of you if you approached it as a team.
In any case, life is gonna throw up some serious, life changing things every now and then. If you two aren’t going to face them as a proper team, what kind of ‘future’ are you expecting/willing to commit to? Again – honesty time, with yourself & with him.
Grief counseling for them and couples counseling for you two. You’re both overwhelmed and need a neutral party to help you both express your feelings and communicate before any decisions are made about the relationship.
NTA. I don’t think communicating to your bf that you are feeling too much of the responsibility is a bad thing. Possibly again approaching it with your feelings and what support you need it best to do here. But you’re NTA for feeling the weight of this.
OP, What was discussed after you came home and your boyfriend had taken the day off to talk to you?
NAH
But really, when you made the decision not to raise his little brother, did you really think this would go any other way?
They are two brothers who have just lost their mother. It’s not going to be easy, and he was obviously hoping you would be part of it. There’s a clock on this, 4 years, and then he’s an adult.
But you’re not a bad person for not wanting to do it, and he’s not a bad person for choosing his brother over you. Life happens. You can’t deal with every eventuality.
nta its easy to step up to be a parent if someone else is doing the work his brother needs him more then you right now
Info: the kid is 14, why do you need to be home when school lets out? He’s old enough to be left alone for 2-3 hours.
NAH. I think you are also putting more burden on yourself than you need to be. He’s 14, why do you need to be home when he gets there? Does he have a deficit? Go back to your original work schedule. Did you grocery shop and cook the meals before he came? If not, go back to splitting responsibilities. He’s 14, he should be able to make quick meals for himself if taught. You are putting more pressure on yourself. Updateme
NAH.
This is a rough situation. The younger brother is old enough to be latchkey while the older one is working his butt off.
INFO: was the boyfriend working long hours prior to his mom’s passing?
Sounds like he’s going to break up with you.
NAH.
While you have to decide what is best for you, he must do the same for himself with the added bonus of his minor sibling. While y’all did the right thing by taming him in. Ultimately it has to be discussed & it sounds as though the bf has chosen to care for his brother which is the right thing for him to do as his legal next of kin & in his heart I’m sure he feels the pull & has to learn & adjust just as his partner must but only if you choose. You are not legally nor morally obligated, I’m sure bf was hopeful that he could have both. Seems not the case & be prepared to make hard decisions as sounds like an ultimatum is coming yet not in a mean nor mean spirited way, in a heartfelt way. Which is a very selfless thing for a 29 yr old brother to do, & the right thing . Perhaps the bf cannot carry the weight of just dumping his lil bro off. You have a right to not partake yet one can admire this about your bf. Ball sounds like it’s in your court. Good luck
Why are you rearranging your work to be home when he gets home from school? He is 14. He should be perfectly capable of taking care of himself for a few hours.
NAH. It’s a tragic situation. I don’t think you two are compatible, given how you want your life to be, and your BF’s situation and obligations.
NTA. Whatever his reasons are, at the end of the day it’s his brother. He needs to step up.
Your situation has changed and it’s about time you reconsider it. Irrespective of what you 2 say or do, you’ll be involved in some capacity to his brother turns adult. If you don’t want that, leave now. Because situation won’t change and his brother should be his first preference.
NTA very sad situation, but is 100% understandable that you bow out. Especially considering he left you as the main parent
Try living apart?
NTA, but what outcome do you expect? I’m not clear on that. Did you tell him what you needed from him? What do you really want?
He can cut back on work/change jobs with you in the picture or without.
You’ve left it up to him to decide and have made it look like there’s no room for compromise, and you just want out. He is going to give you that, so why don’t you just go? I’m not sure it makes any difference at this point unless you apologize for throwing this in his lap and ask him how the two of you can tackle the problem together to make changes you need to feel less trapped. He may have lost interest in that possibility, though.
NTA. They should both attend grief counseling. Losing your sole parent at 14 is traumatic. The last thing he needs is to feel like a burden – or worse, that he may not have a home or family at all soon. You’ve really stepped up & now your bf needs to step up more too.
Your bf saying that your asking for his support is the same as asking him to “send him away” is completely unfair and a huge deflection. Neither of you signed up for parenting, but this is his brother and you becoming the de facto default parent isn’t right.
I would reassure the 14yo that he’s welcome and loved. I’d involve him more in the cooking & chores as well. He needs security and normalcy.
The kid is 14 so it’s not like he needs his diaper changed or he needs you to be there constantly 24/7. That being said they’re both dealing with grief and a huge change in their lifestyles and if you’re just not compatible with that then maybe it’s time to just break up.
NTA. What you asked for was reasonable, you wanted him to be more involved but he got all defensive and gaslit you immediately. That’s not healthy.
Updateme
NTA if he breaks up with you ask him who is going to do the parenting? He’s hurt and not thinking this through. He totally misunderstood your very clear and reasonable comments to mean that you don’t want to help at all. Give him some grace for the rough time he’s going through. That said, if you stay together, teach the 14yo how to prepare simple meals, clean, do laundry and be competent. He may thank you years from now. Buy an instant pot and let him learn how to make dump and go meals. Bring him grocery shopping. You need to function as a team. Tell your partner he has to have your back on this.
Why do you have to be home to get a 14 year old child after school? You know, 14 year olds can be pretty self sufficient. They can cook and clean up after their self. They can do chores & homework. I think you are looking at it the wrong way. Don’t try to replace his mom, be his “Big Sister!” He needs that right now. Just let your boyfriend know that you need help with the chores that are overwhelming you. Make a game plan to tackle these issues together. Both your bf and his little brother are grieving. Please show some grace.
I think that it would be beneficial if you and your partner discussed your long term plans. I don’t know if you were planning to marry or stay as lifelong partners but it’s a hard situation overall. I think your BF is going through a lot right now, and you are his support system since he has no family. If you feel that it’s too much then you need to end the relationship, it’s a two way street. Sometimes a partner has to carry 150% of the load and sometimes the other person does. You need to express your expectations in a way that doesn’t make him get defensive. There are many ways you can make this work, but my imo you just described a mothers role in our society. Sad but true. Also, have you asked yourself what would happen if the tables were turned? Sometimes self reflection can lead to your answer.
Sometimes the universe puts us in situations that WE dont want but that others NEED. Whats the alternative for the kid?
Why would you need to reorganize yr schedule to be home? A 14 year old can be home by themselves. They can also do chores and learn to cook.
That being said your bf needs to step up and be the primary in this situation, seems he leaves it all to you. He also doesn’t seem to grasp where you are coming from. You may need to schedule a therapy session.
NTA – you’re right and he’s between a rock and a pool of lava. It cones down to whether you want to sacrifice your youth to help him or not. Make your decision soon and end it before you hate each other.
What did he say to you when he took the day off? What was your response?
Girl, you’re 26, not a social worker. You stepped up in a crisis, but it’s been three months of one-sided parenting while your boyfriend checked out. If this is what “solid overall” looks like, I’d hate to see rocky.
-He is 14 and can be home alone after school.
-plan to be out a night or two a week to do just something for yourself. Can u join a gym? Or sign up for a class you like.
You are doing amazing helping with the brother. I know it can’t be easy.
I’m leaning between NTA and NAH, because this is tough, and I am sure he’s grieving and deeply affected too.
I think the key phrase is this:
> Meanwhile, my boyfriend works long hours, and though he tries to check in emotionally, the practical load is mostly falling on me.
Checking in emotionally isn’t good enough, and “tries to but most of the work falls on me” definitely isn’t good enough.
How can he be present and support and raise his brother if he is literally not present or raising his brother most of the time? This is the heart of the matter—it’s a labor dispute and a time management issue, not a question of who loves who.
If you’re in the US or Canada, your boyfriend should be receiving social support money because the kid is under 18 and his parent died. If he is getting that money, why is your boyfriend working such long hours? Do you really, really need the money? Or is he (consciously or unconsciously) avoiding the work of parenting? Or does he think that his job is to provide money (gendered labor expectations) while you do the actual hands-on work of parenting?
Talk to your boyfriend and get him to call the department of family services. They can provide parenting classes, counseling for him as well as his brother, and advice. The kicker is, HE has to do these things, not you. You are not the kid’s legal guardian, he is. You don’t have the authorization to request those services—he does.
If he refuses to get help, or he refuses to change his routine to fit the kid, I think you should leave. If you want to have kids yourself, he’s showing you that he’s going to leave you with all the work and a half-assed “tries to check in emotionally.” And as much as I hate to say this, he is neglecting his brother by his absence. You can’t fix that—only he can, and only if he actually gets it and shows up.
Your options are leave him or be prepared to help out. Obviously his orphaned brother is going to take priority and you need to accept that. Your bf is probably working long hours to financially support his brother. You could of course refuse to do anything to help his brother, but that will likely get you dumped. Life doesn’t always work out like we planned and you just have to deal with what is thrown your way. If you genuinely see a future with your bf, that future will need to include parenting his younger brother. It sounds like you need to accept that or leave
Well, your BF didn’t choose this either. Stick with him and be this kid’s surrogate mom (which he probably really needs right now) or you have to leave. It’s not like your bf is going to abandon his brother. Either way, you won’t be TA, but those are your choices.
So you came home, he said you needed to talk and then….?
Then what?
You don’t know what to think?
Why? Did the episode fade to black and the credits rolled???
Is the episode is over on a cliffhanger so we tune in next week?🙄
What nonsense.
You are alluding to more changes than a 14 year old would need. That’s also an unusual age difference to between siblings to not give a context. You haven’t addressed how your fictional boyfriend or his fictional brother are handling their mother’s passing.
If this isn’t complete fake, NTA but your relationship is over. You aren’t willing to change you life to meet his, you don’t seem concerned about the toll his mother’s passing would take on him or his brother, and he isn’t around for you or his younger brother. You didn’t agree to “in sickness and in health” because you two aren’t married. You aren’t even engaged. You didn’t feel the need to point out that you love him. NTA to move on.
But if this is the complete 💯 fiction that it reads as, YTA.
Yea you might as well start packing
14 year olds can stay by themselves and do dinner prep. Peel carrots, set the table, etc. they can do their own laundry if the machine is in your building. Yes, bf needs to do more but does his job require long hours? Sometimes it is not optional. I say try a little longer to work things out. BF and brother are still adjusting to death of mother. BF did not expect to have to care for brother and boy did not expect to have to live with him.
Nobody of you “signed up for this”. But sometimes life throws a curveball.
Now your boyfriend sees the need to step up as good as possible. Imagine how traumatic it is to be a teenager and loose your one parent that was always “there” for them.
Sure, it is hard to be expected to step up. And you do not have to step up. You have the choice to stay (and adjust like your friend and his little brother have to adjust) – or to leave. I do not think there is a middleground.
You say “recently” – so the big adjustments will just arrive somewhen in the near future. And “that” will be a really big thing for both of the guys (and you, if you decide to stay).
NTA (every decision has its own reason – and its own endresult). So, NTA for you/ that boy/ the big brother
I get that you are doing all the grocery shopping and cooking, but with your boyfriend’s work hours, weren’t you doing that before?
Are you helping home with homework every day? Is it a few minutes or are you sitting with him while he does his homework? At 14 I would expect him to do most of that on his own.
You should maybe give it more than 3 months before you decide it’s all to much for you since you wrote he’s a good kid. It doesn’t appear he is giving you a lot of trouble.
BF and brother just lost their mom, and you agreed to have him move in since there is nobody else. I’m not sure how you thought this was a temporary situation.
When k was 16 my cousin and his wife took me in. They both worked and they had 2 young kids. They were in their mid 20’s. I lived with them for 1.5 years and don’t know what I would have done without them stepping in and welcoming me into their home.
I think YTA because you have not given this much time and it doesn’t appear he is causing you a lot of extra work or “parenting” based on what you wrote.
I don’t care if I get downvoted into oblivion, I’m with your BF on this. That is his brother who has nobody else.
Oh dear. Sounds like instead of walking an extra mile that Dude is about to shoot himself in the foot with a breakup. Tough situation all around. You are NTA for asking for some backup in this awful situation. I hope they get the help they need.
Therapy for everyone! As a couple, as brothers, individually and as a family.
NTA I think you’re all doing the best you can in a bad situation. Good for you for stepping up and doing what has been needed to be done for the last three months.
BF and Brother both just lost their mom, so grief is ever present for them, that’s complicated.
If this isn’t the end of the relationship, then
I think the three of you should sit down, 14 year old included, to see how this is going to work day to day, what everyone’s responsibilities will be. Your post doesn’t say what Brothers feelings are in this situation, but I guarantee he has an opinion and if decisions are made without his input, he will rebel like there’s no tomorrow.
The BF wants a bang maid slash hot step mom set up. OP is not an AH. The BF is, as he is unwilling to do his part
NTA. I’m concerned that you said “I can’t handle the whole emotional and practical load of raising your brother alone” and he heard “I want to send him away.”
I understand that your boyfriend is grieving, and I feel for him, but he is not prioritising his brother – or even his grief – he is expecting you to prioritise both alone while he throws himself into work to ignore the pain.
He should have heard what you said and thought “how can I approach this with my partner as a team? What changes can I make, and what do I need from my partner?”
If this is going to work you need to work together to prioritise both your needs and come up with a plan of how you step up for each other. Things like grief counselling for both of them, a night off a week for you, the ability to have control over your own work hours. If possible, you need to rally the troops, call in extended family for regular, consistent support. And he needs to be physically and emotionally present both within your family and within your relationship.
The poor boy. Heartbreaking. At the same time, your bf is throwing everything on you with minimal effort on his own part. He needs to step up. He is going to pin the blame on you for his own failure to step up. Nta.
if the op wants to save this there’s a frame that might work.
abandon ‘i don’t want’ the BF was expecting that which is why he’s upset. to be far to him he’s young and now has a lot on his shoulder.
i’d word it something like
you’re out at work so i need you to help me find a caring way to get little brother to be more of a third adult in the house. LB doesn’t need or want a pseudo mom, he needs a bit of support getting himself set up.
“Ask your brother”.
Repeat when the kid needs elp with homework, or a lunch made, or a ride, or things bought. Because your man hadn’t gotten the message you were trying to give him, probably because he doesn’t want to hear it. Incvolve him, whther he likes it or not.
YTA. They lost their mother 3 months ago. Break up with him. He deserves to know who is actually on his side.
NTA, you are overwhelmed and this was unexpected, it is understandable, I don’t know what limit you set and how is the relationship with his brother, that affects a lot, to me the exact same thing happened, my ex girlfriend wanted me to forcibly adopt her 3 sisters, and I did not sign up for this, they did not treat me well and they hate me for coming from a blended family, even more, she did not want to work, at least your boyfriend put some of if working.
you are going to have to talk to him, you are overwhelmed and not feeling well, this may affect you in the long run, tell him it’s not that you don’t want to be his partner just that you are overwhelmed, and need time and/or space, but please listen to your body and mind, only you know your limits.
Any person who could abandon a younger sibling is not someone you want to be with. While OP is right he needs to take an active role, no question. The brother is 14 years old if all goes well he will be going to college and be out if the house by 18! Anyway, this should of been discussed before, his brother is dealing with a lot and he needs all the support possible. I can’t imagine being in that situation.
Nta have you guys have counselling to deal with this change?
It big change and it learning balance for everyone. No one the arsehole . Dealing with big change take time , understanding and patience with each other
Wait – Question: do you have a job? Because it sounds like you don’t.
Nta but if you guys talk more explain the issue isn’t you ”raising him,” but that you need him to pick up more of the home stuff. It shouldn’t be all on you. In the future, do not allow yourself to take on too much. Always talk about expectations, what ifs and set boundaries before a situation happens. “I can only grocery shop once a week you’ll have to take on additional trips.” “I’m not going to cut back my hours to be home, you’ll have to make arrangements.”
At 14 he shouldn’t be so needy. He should be pitching in with housework. A conversation should happen between the 3 of you to divvy up chores and expectations of everyone’s roles should be set.
Updateme
What future do you see with your BF where things don’t happen unexpectedly, where family never needs to rely on you, and nobody dies unexpectedly?
Serious question. Like suppose bf is seriously injured and has to rely on you?
It sounds like from your description, he’s not laying on the sofa playing games while you’re doing everything. But childcare is time consuming, even for a 14 year old, when you do it well enough. But you say the boy is a good kid. It’s kind of you to take the time to give him the attention and care he needs after his primary caregiver has died. He may not act like he needs it emotionally, but he does.
This is life, with someone you love. Stuff outside of our control happens. I’m glad you are doing these things, but it was a sudden lifestyle change for you, and you are feeling overwhelmed.
See if you can go with bf to family counselling and find a happy medium. I don’t think it should involve yeeting the kid out of your family. But if you’re resentful, the kid will notice, and that’s not good either.
NAH – Go to counselling. I wish you all the best.
NTA. This is one of life’s twists and turns. The real problem is that your bf seems to have handed off all the parenting responsibilities to you. Especially since it’s his brother, he should be very involved, including changing jobs if necessary to be more available.
It seems you have developed a good relationship with your bf’s little brother. Assuming your relationship with your bf is otherwise good, it would be nice to work this out as a family. Honestly, you have been a huge blessing to both brothers. You have been a source of love, stability, and comfort in a very difficult time for both. That is a gift, but if you want no further part it is better to leave now before the child gets further attached to you.
In most cases, At 14 he should be able to come home without an adult being there. You guys just need to figure it out
Nta, show him this post, then maybe he will understand more how you meant and how you are feeling.
Updateme
NTA. Your Bf is a very quiet AH, but it’s understandable that he’s being selfish during this time.
Your Bf probably can’t think through his grief. Be gentle but firm. Talk with love and care. Be crystal clear of the jobs he will have to pick up, because his brother is his responsibility for the next two years.
“Bf, I love you and I’m choosing to stay and help you and your brother as long as you don’t take me for granted. I’ve shown you I’m here to help, like how I’ve rearranged my work schedule to be home when he gets back from school. Ultimately X is under your guardianship and that means you need to take the role as head parental figure, this includes doing homework with him (or another idea: Whoever helps X with his homework doesn’t have to cook dinner that night).
Going forward, you will need to be in charge of the grocery shopping every (probably a weekend day since he works a lot). We will also need to split cooking dinner. You take (days of the week) and I’ll take (days of the week).”
Not much you can do if he doesn’t pick up his slack, either give it a (silent) deadline like 6 months and see if his grief starts to lift enough he takes his responsibility or end the relationship if you burn out.
NTA- it’s awesome you helped so much but your boyfriend needs to step up and stop making you the ‘default parent’.
Good luck and Updateme.
NTA. He lost his mom with is devastating and is now taking on his brother. When you say stuff like ‘I didn’t sign up for this’ it sounds like you don’t want the kid. Maybe position with you are happy to pitch in but he needs to take on more responsibility and be more engaged in the care of his brother. I think that’s what you want if I understand your post. If you can frame it more constructively with what you need to make it work, then you may get a good solution. Also, losing your mom is really hard. You don’t know until it happens to you but it’s absolutely devastating. Good luck to all of you. I hope it works out.
Updateme
Tbh, no one is TA in this situation. I see some people are saying that “this is a good indicator for how BF will be when you have kids”, but dude just lost his mom, too. Should he be as out of it as he should be? No. Does he have a valid excuse? Yes.
The loss of a parent and the sudden responsibility of a whole other being, let alone one that’s human, can put stress on someone in ways that they might not be able to fully process, especially when the world doesn’t just stop because unexpected situations get thrown into your lap. Especially at the loss of a parent who’s deeply loved (I’m going to assume), and trying to make sure he doesn’t lose his only remaining family. Talk to him about it. Let him know that the relationship (if you’re looking for a future with him and I’m assuming you are) can go on a break so he can get himself sorted if that’s what he needs.
Tbh, see why he didn’t change his hours. Check in on him. It’s not a fair situation for anyone. You because you didn’t ask to become a mom to his lil brother. Him because he’s in a situation NO ONE wants to be in. His lil brother because again, this is a situation NO ONE WANTS TO BE IN. Things happen, people unfortunately pass away far too early, but right now, all your bf has is you and his lil brother. It’s not going to be fair, but do try and stick it out if he’s also willing to try and stick things out. Temporary unfairness can become fair if you work with each other instead of not communicating and isolating from one-another.
Edit: I wanted to add that I’ve seen both sides of the coin and been on both sides. I can’t say anything about his lil brother, that’s something I’ve never had to deal with as it was my out-of-the-picture biodad that passed, but I do see both of you. You both really do have this if you stick together and work together. Minor setbacks shouldn’t affect either of you too much. But you both definitely have this ❤️❤️❤️
Nta, but he’s 14, if he’s neurotypical why do you think he needs someone home when he gets there?
I’d understand if you wanted someone there for him for the first week or couple weeks, it’s a tough time, but he shouldn’t need after school care at 14.
Who was doing the grocery shopping and the cooking before?
If it’s changed, why did it change?
He’s 14, not 4. He can come home and get his own snacks.
He can also probably get tutoring at school. How much homework help does he need? And I’m not sure I can believe that it can’t wait until his brother is available. You can be busy sometimes.
I get wanting to not become a parental figure to a teen at any age let alone your mid twenties, but these seem like a lot of problems that shouldn’t be problems.
Sounds like it’s partly grief and not wanting to actually do the parenting at all, hoping he could make you the default parent cause you a woman so why should it be him? But this isn’t your cross to bear, it is his and you can help carry it, but if you walk away the kid ain’t going with you cause he’s actually not your responsibility. But it is one you have CHOSEN. NTA at all, wild he’s gonna act so offended that he may break up with you over you setting healthy boundaries cause if he can’t step up with you there, I don’t think he gonna do it when you not there
Not the asshole but you gals have got to stop playing house. If you were not living with him would he be expecting you to shoulder this burden? If you were not living with him would he be under the illusion that your free labor is his to take, and that you pulling back is some kind of affront he should break up with you over.
In reality, this is a major upheaval for everyone. The best course is to get the traumatized 14 yr old into counseling, and you 2 into couples counseling. Saying “i need you to be here” because you suddenly became a parent is not being an AH. He needs to step up. Not just for the sake of your relationship, but he’s the only family this kid has, and 14 yr olds still need to feel cared for.
Sit down and figure out what you need to make this work. Would simply having a house cleaner once or twice a week make a big difference? Signing up for a meal plan where all you need to do is heat the meals? You say BF is working long hours, so I’m assuming expecting him to take chores/food prep off your plate may not be realistic. These are the type of things that could be set up today that could help until the counseling has time to help you both see each other. He needs to realize the weight of responsibility that has landed on you, acknowledge that, and find ways to share that responsibility, or this relationship will end. Wanting him to acknowledge and share the responsibility does not make you an AH.
YTA, Just Go away.
NTA he is grieving his mom as well and trying to come up with extra money for the extra expenses , I don’t think this will ever be fair for you so the relationship might be over
YTA if you want this man, then this is the load you have to carry. If you make him choose between you and his brother, he will leave you. He. Will. Leave. You.
So grow a set of ovaries and buck up.
Also, it’s not impressive that at age 26 you are not capable of functioning and doing basic tasks like shopping and cooking, tasks that you would have had to do even if you were single. How would any man think you could be a good mother for his children, if this is the level of self pity energy that you are bringing?
NTA This is a lot for everyone. It sounds like this relationship has run its course if he does not step in and help
His response would have me done. If his first instinct is manipulation he’s not someone you can build Long-Term with. Honestly I never would have changed my schedule if I lived with a girlfriend and this happened. If anything I would have maybe spent a couple Sunday afternoons teaching him some easy things to cook and how to use the washing machine but moving schedules around would have been a non starter.
If we flip this situation and it was the OPs sister who moved in with them and he was complaining about being financially responsible for her ? Its not like the OP has to take care of a 5 year old, I look after 2 teenagers myself, and my 13 year old is pretty much self-sufficient, I think you should have been clearcwhere you needed him to step up otherwise it comes across as you complaining about the change of dynamic in the house and he is justified in breaking up with you, family first always.
NTA – sounds like he’s basically taken a backseat to parenting, dumped it all on you and now that you’ve asked for him to take an active role, he’s going to dump you.
NTA. He made HIS brother YOUR responsibility and he wants you to accept that. Break up with him, let him take full responsibility
You clearly, by your own admission, don’t want to parent this kid, so do you, your bf, and his brother a favor and leave. You yourself said your bf works long hours, and clearly, you’re not willing to swap roles as it were(you work the long hours while he works less, so he’s home more) because in this economy, someone has to be making decent money in the house in yalls situation.
If you’re not willing to help your bf ease the financial burden so he can ease your emotional one and instead expect him to be the primary caregiving parent AND primary income, you are definitely the AH.
So he took the day off yesterday and said yall need to talk and we both know where this is going….
Why did you end the post here….what did he say? What was the conversation or what’s next…
You’re NTA as being supportive of your bfs decision did not mean you signed up to become a parent to his sibling.
The first thing you both need to settle on is that this is a permanent situation. Secondly it sounds like you never talked about what this would look like physically and emotionally, but most importantly financially.
I assume your bf is working a lot of the financial load, but I think you guys need to really talk it out (assuming you want to stay together).
NTA. This is a heartbreaking situation for all, and you are a good human being who true to make the best out of awful tragedy. Your partner is probably in the throes of complex grief, which isn’t an excuse but an explanation. I hope you can both have an adult conversation, but it may be that you’re just no longer compatible given the circumstances. If he’s mature, he’ll hear you out, and try to work things out more equitably. But as I said, grief alters our personalities, perceptions, and decision making.
So sorry you’re going through this, hope you’ll be okay in the long run.
NTA but it’s his orphaned little brother so if you’re not willing to take this on for the next few years you should probably move it along. No one’s going to blame you. either way.
NTA
Make a checklist of all you do and ask him how often he does any of it. He should be taking the lead with his brother. You should be the assistant.
Updateme
So, nothing has changed in your boyfriend’s life. Yours has been turned upside down. You are expected to change to accommodate his brother. Everything has been dumped into your lap and you have to take on 100% of the responsibility. Easy for him to take on his little brother, if you do all the work.
NAH. It is totally reasonable for your BF to want to provide a stable home life for his brother. And that your BF want’s to do it as a “we” with you. However it is also totally reasonable for you to not want to take on a parental role at this point in your life. BF has no right to demand it of you.
The problem is that given the situation you and our BF now have very different life goals. And unless one of you caves (which I wouldn’t recommend–whomever caves will become hugely resentful of the other), the relationship is essentially over. It’s not an outcome either of you, in a perfect world, would want, but it’s probably the only reasonable way to move forward with your lives. I would suggest that the two of you start working together to end it in as amicable fashion as possible. Good luck.
NTA
It’s a horrible situation all round. With a lot of heavy emotions at play.
Still, OP is not wrong for asking her bf to take on more of the parenting responsibilities with his brother. There’s grief, of course there is. That still doesn’t justify putting the duty of being the primary parent onto OP.
Honestly, I don’t see this ending any other way than with a break up.
So, what did the ‘talk’ reveal? This ends in a strange place
A 14M should be able to shoulder much more of the burden. Teach cooking, cleaning, and so on. Treat this as Mom training if that is your goal. nTA .
Wow I think you need to tell him he’s got to do more. If he doesn’t, maybe you need to move out.
If he keeps punishing you for what you said, maybe you need to move out. Your BF is probably not mature enough to handle all that came his way, and it sounds like he’s taking some of this out on you.
he only took him in because he knew you would be the primary parent. I’d go. NTA. i can’t stand dads who remarry just so they don’t have to actually parent their own damn kids. that’s what’s happening here. he can be his brother’s guardian or not but it should not fall to you.
Nta its entirely fair to ask for more support. Especially when you feel like your doing most of it. Try to compromise somehow
Updateme!
NTA, but if you “genuinely see a future” with him you need to stop thinking about your boyfriends brother as just his sibling, a future implies that little brother is going to become your brother in law.
I get this is a lot to ask and is not what you signed up for at the start of the relationship, but 26 isn’t exactly the same as an 18 year old, and a future in a relationship with anyone would likely involve kids – if not that’s a serious discussion to have with your SO that far too many people push off. But this is also a 14 yea old we are talking about so it’s not like you need to be doing everything for them. Most kids at that age are relatively self sufficient, especially those experiencing traumatic events at that age.
It’s obvious you shouldn’t be the only one doing things and he needs to pull more weight, though if he’s working long hours, it needs to be a talk whether you financially need these hours or if he’s using this to escape the reality of his situation.
So while I don’t think you’re TA, I strongly disagree with the comments suggesting the brother is just the boyfriend’s family, if you want a future with this man, that’s your family too.
U people are such egoistic now. You get together with someone to be together for good and bad. If you cannot carry for another person you shouldn’t be with someone untill.you.grow up. Thats exactly why divorce rate is so high. Me, myself and I. And dobble standards. If it would be you who needed help with your sister everybody here would say that your bf must provide. That’s life girl and ever challenge makes you stronger and better and you never know the future. Take care of the youngling may by, just may be 15years from now yours situasjon will switch and he will help you.
You are Lexi on Greys Anatomy. You didn’t sign up for this and you are emotionally reacting to the dynamic change thrust upon you. This is a temporary hardship. High school kids need a little oversight (know where they are going to be and with who etc) and someone to talk to but not hand holding. Presumably you were eating meals and needed grocery shopping done anyway. He doesn’t need someone there after school. There are resources at the school or a tutor for homework help. He needs rides until he can drive. I think you resent more the change in your household than the actual work of it is a burden. Which is fine you can leave. And it’s only been a few months since his mom died and brother is (and Bf probably too) still emotionally in a bad place and maybe extra needy – can’t you look down the road and see it will get better? I think you just want your old life back – it’s not the work.
NTA. It’s baffling how he moved a teenager into your home and never realized his schedule and habits would need to change. Then his reaction to you stating your boundaries are being crossed was to morph your words into “let’s toss the kid out onto the street”?!?!? Yikes!
So he stayed home to have this serious conversation and then paused so you could get on reddit and post about it?
Why is there all that much you have to do? Hes 14 not 4.
NTA.
I would look at it as being a big sister.
Have talk with BF about his brother’s chores and what he is responsible for.
He’s 14, not 6.
He should learn to cook, clean, yard, and laundry.
He could also use a woman’s advice if he chooses to date.
There is probably some legal recourse you can follow up on to get support from the dad or at least show that support is needed. Might help with his long hours.