I (27f) have been with my partner for 3 years (40m) and this evening has brought on an argument. For the last year we have been struggling financially after leaving my job due to severe depression issues and finding a new one that pays slightly less. We share an account and any extra tip money I get as a bartender still ends up going towards things we or our animals need (gas/groceries/pet supplies/money for laundromat). Tonight he drops on me he put a deposit on a tattoo after a week ago getting a raise that boost him maybe $400 a month. We are usually late on rent or stressing to make rent and other things are faltering to make sure it happens on time. And constantly going in the negative usually every other week about $300-$400 due to his own loans and credit card payments. I usually and have been behind a month or two on my car note for about 6 months and usually have to ask my dad to borrow money.
He drops this on me this evening and that he made the appointment for this next week just on a whim. And mind you I don’t tell him he couldn’t, I did however vocalize that it was very selfish to prioritize his own want over our financial needs when we are coming up on one of those weeks where we usually go in the negative and have a $300 electric payment, $500 car payment, a $200 phone payment, along with some of those smaller bills. But he chose to not communicate and talk through that decision first before committing to it. And when I expressed this told me too bad I’m allowed to treat myself, I work my ass off. I feel bad even spending a little extra on myself without talking to him first about it. And it caused full blow 2 hour argument bringing up topics that weren’t even a part of the topic and that he’s not coming home because of it and not wanting to come in and get into it with me.
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I (27f) have been with my partner for 3 years (40m) and this evening has brought on an argument. For the last year we have been struggling financially after leaving my job due to severe depression issues and finding a new one that pays slightly less. We share an account and any extra tip money I get as a bartender still ends up going towards things we or our animals need (gas/groceries/pet supplies/money for laundromat). Tonight he drops on me he put a deposit on a tattoo after a week ago getting a raise that boost him maybe $400 a month. We are usually late on rent or stressing to make rent and other things are faltering to make sure it happens on time. And constantly going in the negative usually every other week about $300-$400 due to his own loans and credit card payments. I usually and have been behind a month or two on my car note for about 6 months and usually have to ask my dad to borrow money.
He drops this on me this evening and that he made the appointment for this next week just on a whim. And mind you I don’t tell him he couldn’t, I did however vocalize that it was very selfish to prioritize his own want over our financial needs when we are coming up on one of those weeks where we usually go in the negative and have a $300 electric payment, $500 car payment, a $200 phone payment, along with some of those smaller bills. But he chose to not communicate and talk through that decision first before committing to it. And when I expressed this told me too bad I’m allowed to treat myself, I work my ass off. I feel bad even spending a little extra on myself without talking to him first about it. And it caused full blow 2 hour argument bringing up topics that weren’t even a part of the topic and that he’s not coming home because of it and not wanting to come in and get into it with me.
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I am not sure if I am in the wrong here due to an argument about my boyfriend not communicating before committing to a multiple $100’s tattoo while we are in the middle of financial struggle. While he does deserve to treat himself as we both do…I really make a more than $50 splurge and feel this was a little extreme for him to do give our financial situation. However I only work 35 hours a week while he works 70 hours a week sometimes but we share finances.
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
He works 70 hours a week sometimes and your financial situation is still this bad? Oof.
No, you’re NTA. He is being irresponsible and selfish.
Nta but u would start questioning the relationship.
He’s 40 and can’t even budget
ESH. If he is financially irresponsible, then so is the decision to share an account with him.
NTA, but why are you with someone that age who can’t manage his finances?
NTA. You need to rethink being in a relationship with someone who is this financially unstable at 40. Also, get your own bank account if he’s this selfish with money when he knows you’re struggling to make ends meet.
ESH.
You’re both financially irresponsible. You should be doing better at 27.
He is an absolute failure at the age of 40.
you’re 100% correct and nta. you’re 27 lecturing a 40 year old man on paying his bills. sounds like you are in a tight financial spot so i understand if you can’t leave him but i don’t think he’s the partner you deserve and is making your life harder. a 37 year old man who dates a 24 year old and doesn’t have solid finances is an immature man. likely women his age didn’t want him because he should have been more stable than that/make better financial choices by that age. to be clear i am not shaming him or you for being in rough financial situations but for making horrible choices that put you even deeper in the hole.
dude you are dating a 40 yr old baby man. It’s disgusting to be that selfish at that age. Leave him and find someone that doesn’t hold you back.
Guy can’t even face you? This is kind of pathetic. Sorry.
NTA for wanting to talk about spending money on a want when you don’t have enough for needs. NTA for separating your finances, this is not someone you can trust enough to share finances with. And if he’s just going to pout and tantrum instead of trying to work together to solve your problems, NTA for walking away.
NTA. Ask your dad if you can come live with him and help him out with some of his bills. Stop paying this 40 year old man’s credit card bills and run.
ESH Why have you continued to share finances with this man? Get an individual bank account to which he does not have access and pay only your (individual) bills and 50% of any shared bills. He is financially irresponsible and selfish. If you’re regularly going into the negative and having to borrow money from your father due to his choices, this relationship is untenable. You really need to rethink the whole thing.
NTA. “Treating yourself” is $40, not $400. My husband and I have a “rule” that any purchases over $100 get discussed to be sure we’re in a spot to do it. I had originally leaned towards $50 but hubby wanted $100 and I was ok with that. I keep track of the finances fairly exclusively while he makes all the dough. I let him know when we get to spot where $100 purchase is gonna hurt us.
Does your husband deserve the tattoo with all the work he does? Absolutely, but deserving it isn’t quite enough in our current climate. If this had been a discussion, you could have saved x dollars a week in a jar to make sure he gets the tattoo in a reasonable time without completely making everything way worse. I won’t tell you that spending money on yourselves is irresponsible because we HAVE to in order to get our spirits up and survive. But there is a way to do it responsibly and not at the cost of other slightly more important things. Self care is important.
P.S. for budgeting, i use a sheets spreadsheet that has a majority of our outgoing bills, a checklist for when they’ve been paid for the month and calculator that calculates the remaining total for this months bills and then either half or all of next month’s bills depending on when I’m using the tool – I sit aside half of what is required for next month’s bills from each paycheck. We used our tax check one year to get one month “ahead” because literally that’s the only way to maintain a budget and its nearly impossible for most families. If anyone would like help with creating their own spreadsheet, I’d be happy to help. But you can’t “budget” when you’re behind or even making ends meet. Don’t let anyone make you feel like you can budget hard enough to make it if you don’t receive a windfall to get a month ahead. <3
NTA.
Also if you can’t fight about one thing without everything you’ve ever done wrong being brought up, that’s abuse.
NTA. You pointed out the facts. He couldn’t even have an adult conversation about it, making him TA.
NTA, given the financial situation he should be considering how it would affect the household finances especially if you go into the red often because of expenses, I do understand the wanting to treat yourself but saving up for the tattoo as he can afford would be better then doing this now to not only himself but you as well
NTA he is being selfish
I read all of this! The person that offered to do a spread sheet for you is pure gold. Afraid you are temporary from 40 year old point of view . No respect . He thinks you can be replaced . Prioritize yourself . Get your own accounts , get your name off all bills. separate accounts , begin your exit asap , from relationship, from him . His dependency & self-centeredness that’s at your expense . Cherish forward thinkers , grown responsible adults
NTA but you need to start looking at the future. Do you want to live the rest of your life this way? It sounds like you are on the way to being financially responsible, but you’re sharing a bank account with an irresponsible, selfish man. Is this the life you want? He’s 40. The odds of his changing are very low.
ESH. You’re right, a tattoo is probably not the best thing right now, but did you prioritize your financial needs quitting a job for less money? Did you even discuss it with him?
Would you be better off on your own, without his collective debt, if so, make a plan to leave and follow through.
He has SHOWN he doesn’t care for your financial stability. And I bet that makes dealing with depression and stress really hard.
Thank him for the good times and dip
Move back in with your dad, sort your own finances out. Time for a reset. If this guy at 40 can’t budget or take into consideration his own commitments as well as his partner’s… good luck with that.