I (33M) am currently away from my house for work and my wife (33F) was planning to be away for this past weekend as well. When this happens my dad likes to stay at our house, and take care of our dogs (his favorite thing to do – time alone in the woods with dogs). I have a good relationship with my family and they have all been told that they are “welcome to visit us any time”. This usually means that they give us a call, let us know they’d like to come up for a certain time, and thats it, they are welcome.
Last week when planning for my dad to come and stay, he mentioned to my wife that there was a chance my brother and his wife were interested in coming to our house soon too. My wife said that would be fine but requested that they let her know when they were thinking of coming. My dad dmsaid that he was going to talk to my brother and make sure they confirmed their trip with my wife.
My dad arrived before the weekend and stayed for a couple of days before my wife was scheduled to be away. There was no discussion of my brother coming to visit during this time, and my wife hadn’t heard from them to ask about coming, sowe assumed they were no longer planning a trip.
Saturday evening, unannounced to us, my brother and SIL show up at our house. We are a 10hr drive away from where they live, this isn’t just a casual stop-in. My wife finds this out late in the evening on Saturday when is talking to my mom, who drops casually in conversation that they are at our house.
My wife typically enjoys spending time with my family, especially my dad who is a low maintenance guest — they get along famously. However, especially when she is coming home from a day at work or from a long drive home she really appreciates just being able to unwind alone and relax — when she arrives home to a house busy with people she feels anxious, and pressured to be “switched on”. She is unhappy at the news that she will now be arriving home to an unexpectedly busy house with three of my family members.
I find out of their arrival when I check my doorbell camera. Knowing my wife, I reach out and find that she only found out when talking to my mom just prior. As I mentioned, standard practice when coming to visit us is to call and let us know, and then family is free to visit. Being blindsided by an arrival is something that we both agree lacked common courtesy; especially when they have driven 10 hrs and we now don’t know how long they are expecting to stay. My brother called my dad who he knew was at our house, but neither of us. My wife is now unhappy about the situation and is starting to feel some pressure on her arrival home after a 5hr drive the following day. With advabced notice she would have the time to mentally prepare , but this has thrown her off
To try and smooth things over for her and get my brother to communicate, but also let my brother know how we feel I send the following to him:
“Hey Brother, I noticed that you and SIL showed up at our place today. As much as I love you guys, and you are always welcome at our house, I will admit that I find it a bit disrespectful to show up without communicating with Wife or I first.
It doesn’t affect me much because I’m gone, but can you please reach out to Wife and communicate what your plans are so that it is not a surprise to her. She is expecting to travel home tomorrow afternoon/evening, and I would really appreciate if you were willing to do that for me.
Thanks brother”
The reactions to this have been a total blow out. My brother’s first response accused me of being rude when they are “just taking (me) up on (my) offer (to come any time). And saying that he will “never come back”. My dad sent a rude message to my wife directly, swearing at her and saying that she knew he (brother) was coming. My mom has blamed me for the entire falling out and thinks that I didn’t handle the situation properly. The kicker is that the three of them STAYED at my house. So now my wife is arriving home to three people, two of which are upset with me/her (SIL was still reasonable/chill), and I’m not even there for her. I am pissed.
AITAH?
Comments
The mistake was making the offer in the first place. But put all three sides (brother, dad, mom) on a contact time out for their bad behavior. But first, call your brother and tell to be out of your house before your wife gets home.
NTA. Every right to say what you said. However maybe it’s best to not use the word disrespectful immediately. Obviously that is disrespectful but just expressing confusion and slight annoyance rather than offence might be better in the future. Also ur dad swears at ur wife over this immediately even when they get along famously?
Asshole is a strong word for anyone in this. I do think you chose poor wording in your handling of it though. “Disrespectful” isn’t necessarily incorrect or inappropriate, but it has a harsher and slightly more condescending tone than something like “inconsiderate.” If you had chosen a more casual-sounding word, he probably wouldn’t have acted so dramatically.
I have a similar expectation as you do… if family comes over, they need to let me know in advance. I am anal about how clean my house is before anyone steps in my door, and I have legit left family standing outside for 30+ minutes while I vacuum. If they don’t want to let me know in advance, then they did it to themselves.
Regardless, this whole thing seems like a non-issue. Could you have addressed the situation less authoritatively? Sure. But they seem to be blowing it out of proportion. People can be so vindictively petty some times… they always want to claim “I am never coming back here!” or “We’re done!” over the slightest insult. They will get over it.
YTA – so they aren’t “welcome anytime”
You literally say they are welcome anytime then you later say they are welcome by self-invitation and approval first.
You then text him saying he’s always welcome but, he’s not.
Why are you in denial about your usage of words? In the same text your telling him how disrespectful it is to show up and at the same time is “always welcome.”
Throw all of your family out and tell them they are not welcome to call or visit until they learn basic manners and offer sincere apologies to your wife. They are not good people if they are cursing her out over a text YOU sent.
ESH for telling people they can come over and stay any time and then being annoyed with them when they take you up on that very offer.
You obviously do not want people to show up at any time. If your expectation is that someone should ask before they show up, you lead with that – “we’re happy to host as long as there is direct communication about when you want to stay and for how long. Showing up on the doorstep as a surprise doesn’t work for us, and trying to show up as guests of another houseguest of ours doesn’t work for us either.”
Your brother and his wife are not AHs for showing up under the original understanding that they can visit any time, but they are AHs for staying in your home waiting to confront your wife who doesn’t want them there.
Your dad fumbled the bag here. He knew that your brother wanted to visit and he isn’t the homeowner. Instead of making plans with your brother, he should have directed communication straight to you and your wife and ducked out of discussing the trip. But unfortunately because you have established that people are welcome to stay whenever they want, your dad wasn’t entirely wrong either.
I feel very sorry for your wife who has to either walk in to a bunch of AHs waiting in her home to confront her, or find somewhere else to stay until your family leave.
I couldn’t imagine being entitled enough to show up somebody’s home unannounced, sit in their home and proceed to scream at them for not being hospitable enough. Your family is rude. The whole thing could have been chalked up to poor communication but instead they’re blowing it up and for what? For that alone I would cut them off for awhile.
ESH, but let me explain–
You were not TA for expecting a phone call first. That’s common courtesy. But I think it was wrong to text your brother and tell him to resolve the situation with your wife, while you are not around to smooth things over.
If I was your brother receiving that text message, my mind would go “well, my SIL doesn’t actually want me around and thinks I’m disrespectful, she complained to my brother rather than talk to me directly. My brother doesn’t mind at all (he said so–he’s out of town) so when he’s calling me ‘disrespectful,’ those are really his wife’s feelings.” Then, once he’s already angry at her, you tell him to go talk to your wife about it instead of handling the conversation yourself.
I think in this awkward situation it would have been best to present a united front with your wife: “we would appreciate in the future if you confirm and let us know when you’re arriving and how long you would like to stay.” A phone call instead of a text, so you can nip any misunderstandings in the bud. And then you can ask him yourself how long he plans to stay, and relay that information to your wife so she doesn’t have be on the receiving end of any resentment. The way you handled this conversation really left your wife holding the bag.
I’m sorry this happened and you have every right to be pissed. I hope you guys are able to resolve things. Good luck OP
If your wife comes home to a bunch of your angry family members in your home, YOU failed. Period. Grow a fuckin pair and get them out.
Heck no. The 3 of them planned this and knew what the deal is. It’s YOUR HOME DUDE! AND! YOUR WIFE’S HOME.
TOO FREAKING BAD – ALL 3 OF THEM NEED TO BE GONE BEFORE SHE GETS THERE. NO EXCEPTIONS.
Wow, nice family of entitled assholes your poor wife married into. Are you one as well? I’m surprised you’re still married.
What I would say is kick them all out.
OK you think it’s rude that what I’m saying you know the rules are you supposed to inform us first you didn’t inform us you informed my father. It is completely different thing. I am not my father. my wife is not your father. He does not own house. We do yes you are welcome when you inform us first get the fuck out of my house. My first message wasn’t rude. This one is because you have cause an outright blow up from your rude behavior.
It is common courtesy to call and inform people when you are coming over and not show up unannounced and we have told you this so stop your entitled behavior and if you want to come to our house, you better call us first
You need to stop saying come any time. You need to have more limits from now on. Ignore the complaints. And Anyone that was abusive to you and your wife should never be invited again.
I would take him up on his new offer.
He won’t be coming back. Just tell him yes, that’s a great idea. I guess you should change the arrangements, people can’t just come to your house and stay. Now you need 3 to 4 days notice. Maybe even a week, you give people boundaries, they still walk all over you.
Throw them all out except for SIL, since she behaved
Your dad was way out of line here. It’s one thing for family to feel welcome, but showing up unannounced and then cursing out your wife when she’s the one left to deal with it? That’s not okay at all. You set a totally reasonable boundary, asking for basic communication isn’t rude, it’s just respectful. Honestly, your brother dropping in without notice was already inconsiderate, but your dad escalating it and turning it on your wife is really unfair. She deserves to feel comfortable in her own home.
NTA. But if someone were to cus at my wife over a boundary I fucking set, I’m telling them to GTFO and to be gone before my wife gets home or I’ll call the police to remove them.
YTA. Nice husband who throws his wife under the wheels of the bus “(..)so that is not a surprise for her” instead of putting up a united front. Are you going to let your father be rude to her? Are you going to ask her to have to support them when they are wrong?
Your brother is the rude one. This is your home not a vacation spot. if they don’t like the rules, then they need to leave and they don’t have to come back and if they give your wife a hard time they need to leave and your father is being disrespectful. Maybe it’s time to find somebody else to take care of your dogs.
Time to ring your father and tell him “Get your entitled rude arse out of my house right the fuck now, and DONT come back until you are ready to sincerely apologise to my wife for what you sent her. How DARE you think that YOU can invite anyone to OUR house without OUR permission. Brother dear should have told wife he was coming if that was allright, not YOU. Now if you are not out my house BEFORE my wife gets home. I WILL ring the police to remove you and if that happens, you will NOT be welcome for AT LEAST a year.”
NTA. Your brother was using a very lame excuse that “come visit any time” somehow means show up unexpectedly when you’re not even home. He was wrong and a complete AH for blowing up at you instead of apologizing. Your message sounded very reasonable to me. Your Dad was really an AH for swearing at your wife about this. From what you say, your wife only knew generically that they were coming but didn’t know when. She even asked them to contact her in advance of their plans. What a sh*tshow.
You need to let Dad know that while you appreciate his dog and house sitting, it’s not his house and he isn’t free to let anybody else in unless you agreed before hand. If your brother refuses to come over again solely because of this, then yikes, I guess he’s not coming anymore. There has to be more history to this to trigger this kind of reaction.
NTA. Your home and you and your wife’s rules. Your brother cannot just turn up and if he dies they can find accommodation elsewhere. Your parents cannot dictate who stays and when at your house. You and your wife can kick out the lot of them immediately.
Why would you start the conversation by calling your brother disrespectful? They may have been in the wrong, but how did you think that an opener like that was going to lead to a positive resolution? If you had used something like “surprised” I think you would have had a much better chance of making your point without all of the drama. You picked a fight by calling him disrespectful when you could have taken a much softer approach. Maybe your dad missed the boat on communcation and it’s his fault, but you couldn’t wait to make an accusation. You went from victim to agressor with one word.
You are the AH.
Your first priority is to your wife and when your brother and came unannounced you should have told they have to get the hell out of your house.
You set the rules for your house and they broke them!
When you you found out your father cursed at your wife and you didn’t tell him to get the hell out of your house you showed you didn’t have your wife’s back at all.
They is no way any of your family has not been disrespectful to your wife before this and you co-signed on this by your lack of action and letting them walk over you and your wife.
IF True???
YTA for not telling them to get the fuck out AFTER verbally abusing your wife!
But she’s ALSO an arsehole for not standing up for herself, and allowing these disgusting people to stay.
So they show up, unannounced, demanding to stay for an unspecified length of time? Then they blow up when you suggest that a little advance warning might have been polite? Throw them out. Dad and Mom are welcome to take them in. So is the nearest Motel 6. Take the “never come back” as gospel and a blessing. But brother & wife are not the whole problem.
Your parents, usually welcome as guests, suddenly swear at your wife for something she didn’t even know about? You know perfectly well who let Brother into your house when neither of you were there. You need to change your locks and set some boundaries with your parents. Your home is not theirs to fill with guests, your hospitality is not theirs to dispense, your peace is not theirs to disrupt. And your wife is not the scapegoat for their mistakes.
It is your job to get these horrible people out of your house before your poor wife comes home…
Now!
That is her home and they have beyond disrespectful to her.
Protect your wife if you need to call the police to remove them, do it.
NTA
Nta. But it’s time to take back all the keys. They are being disrespectful and entitled.
NTA
The offer: You are welcome anytime. Just give us a call.
Brother didn’t take you up on the offer. He didn’t call.
Forward the text from Dad to your wife back to him and call him out on his treatment of your wife. That is unacceptable, and he owes her an apology. I would not allow any man into my home that disrespects my spouse in any way. Full stop.
Take your wife completely out of the equation. It simply should have been dude, you didn’t call. You can come, but you have to give us a heads up first. Why didn’t you call. Put him in a position to answer that question. I bet the answer isn’t acceptable, and he’s disrespecting you in the response.
Sounds like brother is the golden child.
No woman I know is chill with being in another woman’s house without her knowledge and permission, and when she finds out there is a problem like this – she is especially not chill. Something doesn’t seem right, and I wonder if there is something else entirely going on here. Is she not unhappy that your wife is the bad guy, so she can be lifted up in her in-law’s eyes? Did she have anything to do with this fiasco? If she’s really chill with all this, then there is something wrong with her. She should have feels for your wife, and she wouldn’t want it to be happening to herself.
Updateme!
I’m confused about the part about them still being there. I hope the wife books a hotel and let doormat OP deal with his disrespectful family.
Yeah. Texting stuff like this is never good. It’s usually taken the wrong way. Just pick up the phone and call him.
What is wrong with your family? Whose house is it? Change the locks, put up cameras and enjoy your quiet home. I wonder what tale your brother told to get your family so worked up
This me I hate people randomly showing up at my house to the point I won’t even open the door to them I don’t think your in the wrong for wanting bounce an as for your dad searing at your wife I would tell them all to leave by morning an then go
Low contact with them all till they can act like adults
NTA And he sounds like an entitled twat. They can all stay somewhere else from now on until they get a clue
WTF? They came while you were OUT OF TOWN? What? You run a free vacation rental?
Welcome to visit anytime means visit YOU, not your empty house. I’d be throwing EVERYONE out the second I got home if I were your wife. And the rescind the open invitation. JFC NTA
Oh please they’re not gonna stay mad at you forever. Dad will miss the dogs too much and you can always hire a pet sitter. They knew what they were doing.
NTA – Your brother knew you were not home. Your brother knew that your Dad was house sitting.
So why the visit if you are not home?
Did they plan it because you are not home?
What’s the attraction to your home? Lake? Pool? Etc.
Why is your Mom such a bitch about this? Would she be as welcoming to visitors without notice?