AITAH for telling my coworker that I think her wife is ugly? I (25F) recently came out as bi to my new coworkers and everyone was really chill about it. Everyone except my coworker, well call her Sarah (28F). After finding out, she started asking me about questions her wife, we’ll call her Anna (28F). Sarah started asking me if I thought Anna was pretty, if I liked how Anna looked when she came to happy hour, if I thought Anna was really hot, etc. I generally would laugh and not respond, redirecting the conversation or throwing the question back at her, asking her if she felt that way about her wife. The questions made me uncomfortable but she only ever made these comments to me, plus I’m pretty new so I didn’t know how to respond. After months of this, today I finally snapped. In a team Zoom meeting, everyone was planning our next work happy hour and Sarah mentioned she wanted to bring Anna, followed by her saying she brings Anna around because she knows I think Anna is hot. Not my finest moment but in front of everyone, I said, and I quote, “Sarah I actually think your wife is very ugly so you have to stop saying that.” The Zoom meeting went silent and, in a panic as the Zoom host, I ended the meeting. My other coworkers have had a mixed response and I haven’t spoken to Sarah at all. So. AITAH?
AITAH for telling my coworker her wife is ugly?
r/AITAH
Comments
Oh damn. Lol
I suppose “I don’t think your wife is hot” might have gone over better than outright calling her ugly, but honestly, NTA, she goaded you into it by continuing to bring it up. Sounds like she desperately needed some kind of validation and was putting words in your mouth to get it. Which is just fucking weird.
YTA. Should have nipped it in the bud way before you went out of your way to insult Anna and humiliate Sarah. You owe Sarah and everyone on the call an apology.
Wow. ESH. The comments were definitely inappropriate, but you could have tried communicating long before this episode occurred.
YTA
You should have addressed this earlier. “As a coworker, I really don’t feel comfortable talking about your spouse in that way.”
YTA. To say it one on one would be very bad. In a group it’s exponentially worse.
Well everyone makes mistakes I agree you should apologize and maybe say you just don’t find her attractive calling her ugly was a bit harsh but she pushed it on you by continuing to put words in your mouth and for wanting you to have some weird crush on her wife. Maybe you aren’t confrontational and in the end that could make you explode like today and make yta so you should try expressing yourself before that happens
What industry are you in that any of this is acceptable?
NTA. This is actually kind of hilarious. If a man was coming at you that way about his wife I’m sure the comments would be different. For some reason people think it’s ok for a woman to sexually harass you in the workplace? Because that’s how I see it. Why is she even talking about her wife like that in front of colleagues, it’s fuckin weird. And honestly if she’s going to be inappropriate and immature like that she should expect an equally inappropriate and immature response. I don’t see anything wrong with what you said if that shit really had been going on for months. Hopefully it shuts her up now.
NTA. She shouldn’t of said that in front of people if she didn’t want a response. Her comments were in appropriate. However you should have stopped it sooner.
YTA. It’s rude and unnecessary to insult someone’s partner, especially at work. You could’ve set boundaries about the questions without being hurtful.
Lesson: keep your private life private
Poor Anna
Everything about this is totally inappropriate for a work place you are both the AH and get ready for HR to get involved
YTA , you should have set boundaries or gone to HR over the comments , not insult a woman who did nothing to you cause her wife is being creepy to you
Yeahhhhhhhh thats on you. Maybe next time try “I don’t talk about anything like that with coworkers, I want this to be a professional space. I’m not going to comment on your wife.” You could be seriously disciplined for public shaming like that. Like, demotions if you’re a higher level, or firing. Is this post fake?
ESH You should have told her you were uncomfortable with her questions & shut it down much sooner. She never should have said any of these things or made that comment in the Zoom. You both owe your team an apology.
Yeah everything about this is gross. Your coworker is gross. You’re gross. Gross gross gross.
I don’t understand why you came out at work. Why would your cooworkers need to know about your sex life?
ESH comments from both parties are wildly inappropriate for any work environment
All these months and you didn’t prepare a decent answer for this? Lol.
YTA.
ESH come on
This is hilarious!
Now go directly to HR. You have the entire work meeting team witness Sarah harassing you.
Directly. To. HR.
Picture needed to confirm but YTA
Kinda yta. “Eh she’s not my type” is a far more respectful response to that, for future reference.
Let’s be very clear- Sarah was inappropriate from the beginning. Sexualizing or baiting comments toward you about her wife — after you’d made it clear you weren’t engaging — is textbook harassment. That kind of behavior would be out of line regardless of anyone’s gender or sexuality. You tried to deflect for months. You tried to be professional. But Sarah kept pushing, and she created this situation — not you. That said, telling someone their wife is “very ugly” on a work Zoom in front of your entire team? That was a nuke. It may have been honest, but it was also brutal and public — and now you’ve created a new problem for yourself. Instead of the focus staying on Sarah’s boundary violations, it’s now shifted to your outburst. So, no, you’re not an asshole for feeling what you felt or for being pushed past your limit. But yes, you mishandled the delivery. You lost control in a moment that required calm, and it may cost you professional standing even if you were provoked. What you should do now- – Document everything. Every time she made a comment, every instance you remember, and your attempts to redirect. – Consider speaking to HR. This crossed the line long ago. – If you want to salvage workplace peace, a private follow-up message could help. Something like, “I regret how I said it, but I don’t regret standing up for myself. I felt uncomfortable for a long time, and I reached a breaking point.” You weren’t wrong to say something — but you could’ve said it better. So- NTA for defending your boundaries.
ESH her questions and comments to you were inappropriate, but so was your response.
“Sarah, that’s inappropriate.”
“Sarah, please stop asking me about your wife’s attractiveness.”
“Sarah, she’s actually not my type, but I’m glad you two are happy together.”
Yes. YTA.
Ummm ; you know that this is crazy , like I truly hope this whole thing is so not happening
NTA, hopefully she will leave you alone now BUT if she reports you or says anything please tell them all the time that she has asked you if her wife was hot.
WTF. Seriously this cant be real
Well now everyone is gonna go offline and text each other and laugh at BOTH of you AND vote on whether that wife is ugly or not. ESH.
So is her wife Sarah’s trophy wife or what? That ain’t respecting Anna at all for the spouse to bring her out like that “look, coworkers, look at my wife, THIS is what I’m going home to every night, you can look, she is hot, and she ain’t yours…”
NTA
But you didn’t handle it very well. Instead of insulting Sarah’s wife, you should have just said, “Sarah, I am not comfortable with you constantly trying to get me interested in your wife. Stop sexually harassing me. It is not appropriate at work and especially not appropriate in the middle of a team meeting.”
You do realize you might end up in HR for this crap. What you said was extremely inappropriate and you have forever colored how other people around you see you now – as someone incredibly rude and unprofessional.
They don’t know what your coworker has been saying to you and as far as they know, she was making a harmless little joke.
Also, why on earth did you come out at work? These aren’t your friends.
YTA.
So, she’s aware that her wife is unattractive, but she’s trying to get some type of validation from SOMEWHERE that she’s not. What you said/how you said it was bogus, but after being constantly harassed, I understand you snapping. Like lady, STFU. Your wife looks like a troll and you’re a pain in the ass. You love her and think she’s hot (maybe the only one that feels that way) and that’s all that matters. Have a blessed day.
NTA
You were wrong. Probably need to apologize, but if you don’t then you are the AH.
YTA both personally and professionally. That was cruel, uncalled for and avoidable
I generally would laugh and respond. Was she supposed to read your mind?
Anyone telling you that it was justified or it’s on Sarah can not possibly work in a corporate setting.
In the corporate world, the person who lost it on the conference call when someone “jokingly” asked a question is the HR problem
You can call someone ugly on a company zoom call, but you can’t tell someone one on one that their comments make you uncomfortable. and ask them to stop.
I don’t think you were an asshole, your colleague wants to know your opinion about her wife because? It seems like he’s pushing his wife towards you, like: “I know you think she’s hot”. Sounds like man talk! How stupid. She wanted to expose you in front of others, it was a very stupid comment, but she threw the spotlight on you, and you just wanted to cut the joke straight away. I would do the same. I would really hate this colleague.
I have done this! Hard lesson indeed – someone said really uncomfortable things they never should have said, repeated it too often for my comfort, but I tried to swallow hard and let it go. Months later, I couldn’t stand it any more and in an emotional moment in public I said all the wrong things. Then to bystanders it seemed like all my fault. When you get into another situation like this, try to stop it sooner, in private or at least in a setting you choose. You may need to get help or advice, or reflect on what to say sooner. Best to stick to one sentence. You: “I don’t comment on other people’s partners.” Her: “No, really. Tell me. is she hot?” You: “I don’t comment on other people’s partners.” Repeat your answer – without changing a single word – until she gets bored and/or gets the point.
“Came out as bi” is a cop out, imo, so yes. Keep it to yourself, it’s not that hard to do. I don’t feel the need to tell people their partners are unattractive, either A) they know already, in which case, they’re probably thinking “thanks, dick.” The other option is that they do find them attractive, which makes you more of an AH.
i don’t really have an opinion on this, i just wanted to say that this is absolutely hilarious and i would’ve busted out laughing during that meeting
White women are such utter trash it’s unreal
INFO: Did you tell her that Anna ain’t got no alibi?
Learn office/work decorum. Why would you EVER come out as bi to coworkers? Why even engage in that type of ish with COWORKERS?!
ESH.
Why would anyone need to come out to their co workers? Isn’t sex a non work related topic?
ESH. Nothing about ANYONES behavior was acceptable here. Jesus Christ. Y’all are like children.
I’m loath to use ESH, but this is an ESH. Sarah was repeatedly inappropriate but that doesn’t let you off the hook. You gotta learn, as non-AH adult, how to deal with line-steppers in a gracious and professional manner. Since ignoring and redirecting didn’t work, the next step is to directly call Sarah’s behavior out as inappropriate and that it makes you uncomfortable.
NTA. I’m going to et flamed for this but good for you for matching her weird energy. She seems to have some kind of fetish where it’s important to her for you to think you find her wife hot. She’s either insecure about her spouse or she thinks you’re jealous of her because of her wife’s looks. She needed to be humbled. Sad that her wife caught strays but she set her wife up to be made fun of, people are only going to take so much.
ESH – “it makes me uncomfortable when you frequently bring up the topic of your wife when you refer to me, when it seems you never make the same comments to our coworkers. I’m not sure why you’ve gotten the idea that I’m interested in your wife either”
There are a million ways you could have shot that down… You chose one of the worst ones. Nta, but you’re probably going to get a big fallout from your poor choice
NTA.
Your co workers actions are extremely unprofessional. The way you handled it make you %100 the AH here.
So privately…. you tell Sarah:
“Hey, Sarah… I’m actually not really comfortable with the idea of talking about a coworker / coworkers partner like that. I don’t want to hurt your feelings or anything but the subject makes me uncomfortable.”
Speaking as the CFO of my company, your comment would be grounds for dismissal. Talk to HR ASAP to try to get ahead of this and provide context for why you said what you said.
ESH. You may have permanently damaged your reputation at your place of work. It could cost you your job.
Still, Sarah was in a way sexually harrassing you about her wife’s attractiveness. She was out of line. This is something that you tell the person to stop doing because it makes you uncomfortable, or if they don’t stop, go to HR. You don’t publically shame them like you did at the meeting.
This is why it’s an absolutely fabulous policy to never talk about your private life at work, and to avoid talking about other coworker’s private lives at the same time. Keep it to business. I’m not saying that you should hide your bisexuality, but really, is it that important to talk about who you want to date at work? I would say that to anyone regardless of orientation. You risk too much drama, as you have since experienced
You shouldn’t be discussing your sexuality in the workplace. It’s irrelevant, and can lead to uncomfortable situations such as this.
Your only response anytime anyone says anything like this should always be “I don’t discuss romance or sex in the workplace. Let’s keep it professional, please” and then give a little laugh to lighten it.
This is what they call a CLM “Career Limiting Move” specially at 25.
I mean, kinda YTA but you weren’t T first A in the situation so as long as you have a job in the morning, you’re winning.
It was harsh, but she was pestering you so🤷
Slight YTA, just because the wife didn’t deserve it, but your coworker is an ass
You snapped. It happens to the best of us, but you should apologize (to Sarah and the people in your meeting).
It would have taken all of my self restraint not to laugh my ass off. Also your coworker is weird it seems she fetishizing you for being Bi and maybe wanted to ask if you’d be willing to be a ‘third’. That’s the vibes she’s giving me and you should report her to HR.
I had a friend in college whose girlfriend was always asking dumb shit like this.
She once asked me “am I a hot girl, or a girl you bring home to your parents?” While he wasn’t near the rest of us.
I called out “Kevin. I’m about to be honest with your girlfriend.” And he comes and gets her.
I didn’t answer the question because I didn’t want to do what you did. Be mean to get her to shut up.
I could have, but I wasn’t at work. That’s not appropriate.
ESH
YTA.
Seriously, in what world do you live in where calling her wife ugly came before politely asking her to stop bringing this up?
Another fake post.
Wow… Just wow… Yes you are AN asshole for this, but not the ONLY asshole in the situation.
First and foremost, your coworker is weird and sexually harassing you. That shit should have been figured out square one, but I get it. As the new person you don’t want to rock the boat. How you should have handled in the beginning is that you should have been very clear that asking you if one’s wife is hot makes you uncomfortable and being clear that you do NOT like the line of questioning. How delicate you want to be is up to you, but I’d err on the side of delicate since you work together.
But you lashing out in a zoom meeting was absolutely wrong and an asshole thing to do. Like it or not you fed into her delusion by not being direct to begin with. I feel like a lot of women don’t get that being indirect can come across as playing coy/being playful and doesn’t always convey displeasure. Be fucking direct. What you did was so spectacularly unprofessional I am surprised HR didn’t invite you and your coworker to their office for an impromptu meeting to discuss both of your futures with the company…
ESH
None of this is normal behavior.
NTA. You are the victim. Your coworker publicly announced that you “thought her wife was hot” and you simply corrected your colleague in the same setting and told her how you felt about her wife’s appearance, albeit not what she would have liked to here. It might’ve been uncomfortable for Sarah and your other colleagues but I’d bet you won’t have to worry about Sarah announcing how “hot you think her wife is.”
I just read an article about how gen z is the most fireable generation and I’m starting to see why…
Your co-worker wanted a 3some and has terrible social-skills. You were right to shut her down, and I don’t think it was completely unfair of you to do it on a zoom call considering she had just tried to make coworkers think you fancied her wife. Outright saying you think she’s ugly was probably a step too far though.
That said, the post reads like fiction, so I’m not expecting this to be a real scenario.
YTA. You insulted an innocent party. That’s never okay.
Better would have been:
Co-worker: “OP thinks my wife is hot!”
OP: “What I really think is that’s not an appropriate topic in the workplace.”
Edit: typo.
You should have gone to HR and complained about sexual harassment of her trying to set up a threesome with her and her wife, instead of shit talking her wife in front of a bunch of coworkers.
You had so many chances to shut this down before it got this far.
ESH
She wanted a 3some
“Sarah, you seem to have made some baseless assumptions here and I’m very uncomfortable with you repeatedly ring this up”. That’s a reasonable response. Calling Anna ugly is a childish and cruel response. YTA