I (29F) just had my first baby. It’s been overwhelming but beautiful. However, it brought up a lot of unresolved stuff with my own father.
Growing up, he was emotionally neglectful. Never abusive, but never present either. Missed birthdays, school plays, never hugged me, never told me he loved me. My mom died when I was 11 and he basically turned into a roommate after that.
Now that I have a daughter, he suddenly wants to be “Grandpa of the Year.” Sends gifts. Wants to visit. Calls her “his little angel.”
I finally told him I’m not comfortable with that. I said, “You weren’t there for me. I’m not letting you pretend to be someone you never were.” I told him he was a bad father, and just because he regrets it now doesn’t mean he gets a do-over with my kid.
He cried. Legit cried. Said he knows he failed me but wants to “make up for it.” But I said no.
Now my aunt and cousins are calling me heartless.
AITAH for shutting him out?
Comments
NTA
Everyone is entitled to their opinion but sometimes they forget that sharing it is optional. They did not live your childhood and experience the turmoil you went through therefore their white noise holds no value.
You are the parent and you are safeguarding your child which is the most important thing. His regrets mean nothing without actions
hmm
You are on the edge of YTA, but it makes sense. NAH – he’s trying, but it’s OK to refuse as long as you aren’t an asshole about it
Cool fake story bro 🤣
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NTA: You are the driver of your life and your child’s life. You get to decide who’s allowed in.
My kids went thru this with their dad. He left us when they were very young. He never looked back. Now they’re grown with their own families. He tried getting them to forgive the past mistakes. They have forgiven. That doesn’t mean he gets to be in their circle.
They (all 4 of them) told him to touch grass. They said their children didn’t need a loser in their lives.
NTA.
Exactly the same thing happened to me (other way round with losing dad, only had mum).
My only question would be do you not want your baby to have a grandad? Ive ended up starting small and communicating my boundaries before each visit (albeit they have been few), and keep it casual. No gifts, nothing OTT, just some quality time.
I know its tough but its not just about us, its about baby too.
Honestly, this tracks. If your parents didn’t meet your emotional needs growing up, it’s no shock that those feelings pop back up now that you’ve got your own kid. That’s just how people work, stuff sticks with us. You’re not the bad guy for wanting to protect your daughter and yourself. That’s just being careful.
Possible fix:But cutting him off completely might slam the door on any chance to fix things, for you or him. If you feel okay with it, maybe start small. Let him visit, but only in safe, controlled ways, like supervised visits. Make it crystal clear: trust isn’t handed out for free, he has to earn it. That way, you’re keeping your guard up, but also giving him the tiniest opening to prove he’s different now.
Good luck!
NTA – this decision is up to you
Parents aren’t perfect but at least he realized that and wants to be better. If you think its too little too late, your choice.
But I do have to wonder if youre preventing your daughter from having a relationship with her grandfather because of your pain.
YTA
Sorry that your father was neglectful. That really sucks.
But don’t punish your kid by denying her what sounds like an awesome grandpa just so you can work out some personal shit with him.
In order to punish your dad you’re punishing your kid.
Kinda shitty thing to do.
NTA. He doesn’t get to abandon his own kid after her mother died and then pretend to be a family man.
NTA. You cannot be a grandfather without being a father first.
What were they calling him when he neglected you your entire childhood?
ESH because he needs to take accountability but because you’ve just realized this you have to give him the context and the opportunity to show up in ways you can accept. Our parents fail us because they don’t know better or believe they’ll fail worse if they “do it wrong.” His inaction was unacceptable and you are right to treat it as such. It should be absolutely clear you will never tolerate the same for your baby.
That said, I hope he sincerely wants to do what it takes to be a good father to you now. You don’t have to forgive him and pretend everything is perfect, but you can draw clear boundaries and ask for specific actions so you’re in control and feel safe.
I do think family therapy would be incredibly helpful.
If your father was not abusive and poses no threat to your daughter, you are the AH. People can change . . . or they are capable of having different types of relationships at different stages of their lives. Grandparents quite frequently relate differently to grandchildren than they did to their own children. You are punishing your father AND your daughter by denying them a relationship. Please seek counseling to help work through the anger you are carrying around.
He can be grandpap to those other family members kids. He deserves your decision
NTA. My dad pulled this same shit , ghosted my childhood then showed up with Disney passes when I had kids. I told him Mickey Mouse doesn’t erase 20 years of neglect.
You know something? My dad was just as yours: emotionally absent
The day he passed away I discovered that no matter what, I really loved him. I wish I could tell him
So to me NAH, and I would give him a chance
YTA, let dad see her. You have not walked in his shoes yet. Losing your mom was hard on him too.
NTA. Your aunt and cousin should have spoken up sooner.
Do what ever you feel is right. You owe him nothing
NTA
Tell him he has to make it up to you first
I went through a very similar childhood, but my father also never showed any interest in his grandchildren either when they came along.
You’re NTA but maybe give him a small Olive branch and set some boundaries with him so that he can see her but only when it’s convenient for you, in the end if he really is a better person now at least your daughter will have a present grandad
NTA but why would you deprive your daughter of a possibly loving grandparent. I would allow access with conditions that he cannot disappear when he feels like it and be available.
Your justified in doing this but in doing so you are mirroring the exact same behaviors you abhor from him
I guess he is your father?
NTA but trying to be a good grandparent isn’t quite pretending to be “something he never was”.
He caused you a lot of hurt so you’re entitled to keep him out of your life. I would maybe just recommend not doing it out of spite to hurt him, that doesn’t tend to do anyone any good.
I’m in a similar position with my mother, except she is absolutely remorseless. I would kill to be in your position, but at this point it looks like she is going to die never showing an ounce of regret for what she’s done. I really envy you.
When people realise they made mistakes and want to rectify them the should allow them to atleast try.
He was shitty to you doesnt mean he’s going to be shitty to his grandkids. Grandkids soften parents and its actually nice to see. When you see the love they have to give it makes you see them in a different light.
If they mess up thats it you gave them the chance to be better and they failed. Atleast let them try
NTA – but I have to ask you, do you want to take that away from your child if he is legit? Would counselling help? Would setting some boundaries until you know he regrets what he did and really wants to change? Or are you sure he doesn’t want to change?
This story is likely untrue but in case it’s not, you’re kind of an asshole. You’re hurting your daughter. Parents go through phases too. Give the man a break and a second chance. A lot of healing could take place for all of you.
“He wants to make up for being a bad father.” But not to you. To himself.
NTA. He was the asshole. You have the right to cut him out of your life and your kid’s.
That said, do try to think about it thoroughly before making a permanent decision. What were the reasons for your dad being emotionally closed off? Was he depressed, was he brought up by neglectful, distant parents himself? Did he realize too late how to be in a healthy relationship with his family?
You could go to therapy to figure this out. He is your child’s only grandparent on your side. But if you feel too much resentment, if it’s bad for you to be around him, I totally get going NC
NTA, OP, where the FUCK were these people when he treated you like a roommate? I would ask them where they got their backbone from, because they sure as shit didn’t have it back then. Then block all of them.
NTA
He can never “make up for it,” but he can take accountability, which he can only do with you, not your child. And I’m sorry he’s never done that.
I would encourage you to reflect on what you want for your child though. If you think he can be a genuinely good grandfather, think hard before deciding to withhold that relationship from your child.
I’m not saying I think one decision is right over the other. But just remember that your daughter is her own person, and that humans are complex. Having a loving grandfather could be a wonderful gift to her life.
NTA-I don’t think you’re heartless at all. You’re someone who went through a lot, and it makes total sense that your dad suddenly wanting to play “Grandpa of the Year” feels fake or even insulting. He wasn’t there for you when it counted, and that hurts. You’re allowed to protect yourself and your daughter from that kind of pain.
That said… I wonder if this is his awkward, late attempt to make things right — not just with her, but maybe even with you. Some people don’t know how to say, “I failed you and I’m sorry” — so they send gifts and try to show up in the only way they know how.
Have you ever had a real conversation with him about what it felt like growing up without him? Not just saying he was a bad dad, but really laying out what it did to you? If not, maybe there’s still a chance to do that. Maybe not to fix everything, but to see if he’s actually willing to be different now.
And if he is — is there a version of this where your daughter gets to know a man who’s trying, even if he missed the mark before?
Only you get to decide what’s right. But from the outside, this doesn’t look like someone demanding a “do-over.” It kinda looks like someone who finally realized what he lost — and might be trying, in his own way, to show up.
If it’s not enough — that’s fair. But it might be worth seeing what’s underneath the effort before closing the door for good.
Either way, your feelings are valid. And you’re not wrong for protecting your peace.
I can’t blame you. I grew up with a dad like this but even when I had my kids he was still emotionally distant. He died from cancer last year. I’m sad about it, but I never felt he cared about me much. That kind of behavior towards children changes them. You have every right to your space and who you choose to let in.
Definitely YTA!!
NTA AT ALL.
That being said, as somebody whose mom died when they were 10yo and was raised by an emotionally absent dad, I wish he would be a good grandfather. I always think about his own trauma in coping with the loss of his wife and his child’s mom – if maybe that is why he became that way?! Idk. But my father continues to be absent and now that my sons are all teens it infuriates me. It truly takes a village to raise kids. If he is really going to be consistent and good to your children maybe give him a chance – only because he suffered a profound loss too and had to raise you by himself. Not making excuses but he is human and we all make mistakes.
But again TOTALLY NTA in whatever you choose.
NTA, maybe ask your father to start being a father to you now if he wants to make it up? Maybe ask him how he thinks he can make up for it and ask for him to give you examples of what he thinks he could do to make it up to you and see what his answer is? There is nothing wrong with asking questions, is there? Regret is really hard to choke down and time has a way of causing regrets to surface. Maybe you could give him a chance to be a better father for a while before letting him be a grandpa and see how he does? You don’t really have anything to lose by giving him a chance, do you? Since you have had your child, did your child come with an instruction book on how to be a good parent? Your father didn’t get one either. I say this as a parent of grown children, we all make mistakes as people and as parents. If we learn from them and try to do better, is there more that we can ask or do? Some things are unforgivable some things are repairable.
My nephew’s dad wasn’t there for him, but we think he’d be a wonderful grandfather. It remains to be seen. Some parents have a really hard time with their own kids because of what they went through growing up. But a grandchild might be far enough removed that he can have a relationship that doesn’t remind him of his own childhood. I’m not excusing what your dad did to you, but he might be able to have a good relationship with your baby. However, it would be really hard to see that happening when he was so emotionally abusive towards you. And then there’s a fact that you may not trust him around your child. Only you know what’s best for your baby. If I were member of your family, I would support any decision that you felt was best for your child. Your child comes first, not your dad.
I totally understand, my father was also not present and it left me with a lot of childhood trauma. He never did anything a father should do, still doesn’t now and I’m in my 40s.
But, do you really want your daughter to miss out on a relationship with her grandfather because of your feelings?
OP, you are NTA.
He doesn’t get to use your child as a do-over to quiet his guilty conscience, and act however he wishes. I hope that you set up boundaries with him and limit as much contact with him and your baby as possible. Don’t doubt your decision, this is the best option and I’m glad you’re taking that step. I hope you take care and congrats on having a little baby 🙂
I don’t know… people sometimes do realise how badly they screwed up and try to change and make up for it… I don’t think it’s making things better for neither of you 3 that you don’t let him see his grandchild.
YTA. He’s human. He’s growing and doing better. Letting him be there for your daughter will help you heal your inner child. People forget it’s their parent’s first time living too.
YTA
Tell him he can’t “make up for it” because you’re not a child anymore. He had 18 years to be a dad and he declined.
You are now declining to have him in your life which is 100% your decision.
Wanting to make up for mistakes doesn’t erase the entire past. He’s giving in a lot to the pot. He needs to first try to establish something with you and then think about being a grandparent.
NTA
I just want to play devil’s advocate here. When you lost your mom he has lost his wife and all was a sudden was alone with you and facing stuff I wouldn’t wish on any parent. I’m not saying him turning into a roommate was great, quite the contrary, no doubt he had issues to deal with as well and prolly didn’t get much help.
In the end it’s your choice but don’t let the kid suffer and not have grandparents. People change. You might want to give him a chance since the kid is small and won’t remember him not showing up as planned or promised for the first 6 months. And when the kid is older you can always go and say that you’ve tried and it didn’t work out.
NTA. He deserves it.
>Now that I have a daughter, he suddenly wants to be “Grandpa of the Year.” Sends gifts. Wants to visit. Calls her “his little angel.”
That’s just proof that he had the capacity to be a better father to you. He just chose not to. How come his granddaughter is so important to him, but you weren’t? Why does his granddaughter deserve such love and affection from him, but you didn’t?
NTA, OP, and I’m truly sorry you didn’t get the childhood you deserved.
Nta. They can bugger off. You are protecting your child.
You know your dad’s behavior. He will become bored of the new baby and will go back to his usual ways. Why subject yourself and your baby to that? He can stay away.
NTA
FWIW, neglect *IS* abuse. Never being present for you physically, emotionally or in any other way was abuse. Do what is right for you and your family OP and be vigilant about not repeating the mistakes your father made with you. Break the cycle of abuse.
Nta
YTA he’s not trying to redo being a dad, he’s trying to be a good grandpa. Do you not think that losing his wife maybe sent him into grief and he was unable to be a good father? It sounds like he was emotionally absent, understandable when you’re a widow, single parent, and overwhelmed by life. I’d personally try to do family counseling with him. I’d want him to have a relationship with my child & for him to be present, but if it’s too triggering for you (again, seems like a “you” issue that you should work on rather than depriving your child of a good grandparent) than I guess keep them apart or ask him to be a less involved grandparent.
I mean, I’d be inclined to go to fanily therapy, on his dime, and give him a chance to SINCERELY step up and make REAL amends with his relationship with you…. and IF he’s able to do that to your satisfaction (I REALLY hope that can happen), THEN you could consider extending that healed relationship to include your daughter.
But he can’t sidestep the hard work and just try to jump into his second chance like that.
NTA, but I hope you get a shot at him fixing this for you 💜
Always 100% NTA to not let someone like this back in. You could always come up with a comprehensive (and petty if you like) list of things he’d need to do and stick with to get back into any of your lives, because people can and do change.
But even if he truly did change, you still don’t owe him anything. He wasn’t a horrible father and you hold terrible memories- those don’t just go away. And a truly changed person would understand they’ve messed up too badly to be let back into your life and respect your wishes. If you tell him no forever and he keeps pushing, remind him of that last part.