Am on mobile so formatting might be messed up.
I (23M) have a younger sister (15F). Our parents are divorced and my dad is engaged to someone else.
Context: My dad and I have a rocky relationship. He is on his potentially 3rd marriage. He and her are engaged right now. My dad’s previous marriage ended about a year/year and a half ago. Hard for me to remember exactly. I and my sister hated her. It was very much a Cinderella type thing where she favored her kids over us but still patented us like she was our actual mom. Belittled my sister and over all made us feel unwelcome and any time we tried to talk to our dad about it he’d ignore it. Well they got divorced when she cheated on him and moved onto the current woman, whom he’s been friends with his whole life. No one in my family likes the fiancée, on either my mom’s side of the family or my dad’s. Today things sort of blew up and I’m starting to feel guilty after everything I said today.
It started with my sister calling my mom from my dad’s place. My dad got my sister to celebrate the 4th with him and fiancée’s family. The fiancée complained about my sister’s shorts and asked her to pull them down. My sister was wearing to my understanding athletic shorts. This has always been a source of contention between them. My sister doesn’t like wearing longer shorts and will wear the athletic ones. Well, my dad and step mom got onto her again about it and my sister called my mom. I overheard and asked if she wanted me to call my dad and say something about it. She said yes so I called.
When I called my dad he said that fiancée asked her to pull her shorts down because they were “pulled halfway up her ass” and that’s when my sister called not long after. My dad also said that apparently it was making step-grandfather uncomfortable. This didn’t sit with me the right way and so I asked why is it my sister’s fault if he’s uncomfortable? Things continued from there and it culminated with me saying,
“[Fiancée’s name] is not [sister’s name] fucking parent and she shouldn’t be parenting your daughter!”
Dad got upset and said I had no right to cuss at him. Which I will accept. I should have handled the entire thing better and I feel like I’ve made everything worse.
Our conversation continued in circles where he insisted that he was the parent and I had no right to tell him how to parent my sister. Which again, I agree. But I then asked him if he had talked to her and not at her (which has always been a problem with him). He said he didn’t have to and that she has to respect what he says. I told him she is a 15 year old girl with her own thoughts and feelings and that he can’t treat her like a doll to dress how he wants.
What else is that my sister has a bunch of other things going on which she is therapy for. So I asked if he considered that this is about more than the shorts but this is just how the issue is appearing? He said he didn’t have to because it wasn’t anything else going on.
We continued to argue for a bit before I finally hung up on him. My sister then called my mom and cried about what was going on. She then put us on speaker and we heard my and future step mom scolding my sister for calling my mom and I. At one point when my sister tried to walk away because it was getting too much my dad blew up at her.
Afterwards and having time to calm down I’m writing this. My sister is okay and she comes home tomorrow and then my grandparents are taking her on an out of state trip that was already planned and she and my mom have scheduled an additional therapy session.
Additional context that doesn’t really fit anywhere else: the shorts are never an issue when it’s just my dad and sister. Just when the fiancée issue there.
Comments
NTA Please cuss the dad out further. He deserves it.
You stood up for your sister when she needed it, and that means a lot.
NTA. The fact that the fiancee’s dad felt uncomfortable around a teenager in athletic shorts is a major problem to me. Gives off, he didn’t want to get a hard on in front of family while lusting after a 15 yo girl, vibes.
Unfortunately, unless there is some kind of actual abuse to report, she isn’t likely to get out of visitation with him until she’s a little older. I would just be a soft place for her to land and decompress after having to be around them.
You might mention to your dad that, if he keeps on the way he is, it’s likely neither of you will be on speaking terms with him after your sister is 18 and can cut ties. Any ideas he may have of walking her down the aisle in the future should be wiped from his mind because I could see her asking you to fill that role instead. He is allowing his fiancée to mistreat his daughter and then yelling at her for being upset she was mistreated. He is pushing her away forever and he doesn’t even see it.
It is sadly not uncommon for a new wife to feel competitive with a teenage or older daughter. It is creepy and weird, bc the father daughter relationship is completely different, but strangely a thing. Definitely NTA. And definitely not your sister’s issue but theirs (dad’s fiancées step grandfather if he actually cared…). Sadly it doesn’t seem like your Dad cares if his kids hate his wife, so just keep supporting your sister until the courts allow her to stop seeing him (15 – 18 depending on where you live).
Your dad needs to grow a spine and stand up for his daughter. NTA, for standing up for your sister
Sounds like dad’s GF’s father is a perv,
Big brother shit. Doesnt matter if you were being an asshole, it’s coming from a place of sibling love.
He’s the father. Is it possible he wanted her to dress more appropriately but blames others because of how everyone reacts?
What your sister is doing is the classic get other parent and family involved, make a huge deal, and try to get her way.
You and your mom are being controlled by a 15 year old girl. Think about that for a minute.
Also, I know people will chime in and make it as if they’re the barometer of what’s appropriate and what children can wear or not.
Lastly, if you do want to get involved, then be an adult about it and sit down with all of them — your dad, sister, and the fiance. You’ll at least be more likely to get the real story that way and can get them to see each other’s view.
NTA about saying that the fiancé isn’t the parent but I wouldn’t let someone dress inappropriately while visiting my family.
You say the shorts aren’t an issue, but on this occasion she was attending an event with other people. She’s not just staying home with your dad. She doesn’t need to show her body.
It sounds like your sister is dressing inappropriately with shorts small enough that they’re showing half her ass. She needs to stop dressing like that.
NTA for standing up for your sister. Depending on your state, she may be able to petition the court to stop visitation. In the meantime, continue to be her rock. You and your mom are her safe people. I image that she will choose you (or you and your mom) to walk her down the aisle someday. Big brothers rock!
Nta. And i would tell dad that an adult shouldn’t be uncomfortable with a minor in shorts unless they are thinking thoughts they shouldn’t be thinking. And thats on the adult. And that he will ruin his realtionship further with his kids for a women that will be an ex in a few years and then he won’t even have his kids.
NTA
Ask your father if he wants to die alone, with neither of his children speaking to him. Because that’s where this attitude will lead.