So this probably sounds horrible but hear me out. I’ve (F34) been dating my fiancé (M35) for close to two years. I had gotten out of a really abusive relationship and he was very supportive, kind and patient with me. It grew over time and once we decided to give it a go he moved in quite quickly and asked me to marry him after 6 weeks. I was/am very fond of him, he’s funny, good hugger, sweet kind of gamerdude. He also had big issues when we got into a relationship, things he wasn’t 100% clear about and that I kind of let pass because he was generally sweet and respectful of me and my child (F4, 2 at the time). He had debt, a lot of it, and he was addicted to cocaine. At first it seemed to be festive consumption but I quickly noticed it was actually a full blown addiction with all its consequences: lies about money, lies about consumption, more frequent use than promised, lots of excuses, fired from jobs, and ofcourse all the health issues when down (irritable, exhausted, etc). I told him I understood that addiction came from trauma (wich he has according to his tellings of childhood) and that I would help him set his life back on track. I knew that he needed prospects, so I helped him set up his business (I’m a successfull small biz owner for 10 years) and invested 12k in his business venture. He moved in with me (I own the house, still paying mortgage but it’s mine), and I started handling the details of his debts by negotiating with debt collectors and making payment plans. He was very thankful, seemed motivated (although he still didn’t do as much as I would expect of someone who’s getting all solutions handed on a silver platter. I asked honesty and sincerity in return. Like, don’t lie to me?
Anyways, we open his business, he doesn’t earn much in general, and defenitly not enough to be financially independant, so I support him because I earn descent money. He had a lot of legal stuff to pay for as well such as lawyers etc and I helped pay all those. Note, he was always very kind to me, but sometimes did have some temper tantrums and harsh words towards me when i wouldn’t agree with him or insist on him doing something.
At a moment I start suspecting he’s back on cocaine behind my back, because his smell changed, his sleeping pattern was worsening and I could just see it in his eyes and way of being. He lied several times to my face when I asked him gently: ” Honey are you using again? Should we get you a doctor or something?
I have never ever judged him for his usage, I simply said that he had to do the effort to get better and that I was okay to have grace if he needed more support from time to time.
Eventually he fessed up that he had lied to me about consuming. By that time we were having serious financial issues. The investment in his business + my emerging health issues (Autoimmune and Fybro) suddenly put my own business in jeopardy. He wasn’t also very invested in the housekeeping and kept finding excuses for his lack of participation (too tired, too much pain due to his overweight even though he didn’t even try to stop eating all the crap he ate), and he was becoming more regularly abusive in words, like sudden explosive angry outbursts when I asked him some help or pointed out something that I didn’t enjoy (like grasping my private parts or growling in my ear or saying he will do the thing and then doesn’t follow through on the thing (vacuuming, answering important mail etc).)
But, He always was very cuddly and sweet with me, and he accepted me as I am (neurodivergent with ptsd) so I figured as long as he’s not physically violent, I’m all good with him having some communication issues due to his “supposed” adhd.
Important extra context: He calls his mother for every decision, every dispute, every single thing to have her opinion and counsel on things. At first I thought his mom was a kind woman, because I myself have missed having a mom who’s there for me, but eventually I noticed a lot of incoherence, lies, manipulation and gaslighting. I took my distances from her even though i remained friendly and cordial, she’s his mom and she’s important to him.
So two years pass, he is supposedly clean, he games on WOW 6 to 8 hours a day, works his business well (still doesn’t earn enough though) and says he’d like to do Bypass surgery to lose weight wich would enable him to be more suppportive of my needs in the household. We set up the surgery, I front the money because he somehow messed up his paperwork (again…) even though we’re now 40k in debt somehow and I have no idea what went wrong because I have always very well managed my finances. I had to sell my first property to pay part of some other debt, either way, life has become hard, I work incessantly and my health is rapidly declining. I have told him throughout our entire relationship that whatever we faced we’d get through it and I was willing to put up with a lot, but not disrespect, lies and abusive language.
Cue his operation, I reschedule all my appointments with customers to be there for him, to care for him. At the hospital he was sweet. Once we got home after 3 days at the hospital, I had a bowel movement while he was playing WOW at 9am. I had work at 10am and a whole lot of housekeeping to do before that. I called for him, no answer, texted him no answer, phoned him, he picks up and says he can’t come now i’ll have to wait 10minutes because he’s busy… and I answered that I had to go work so that I didn’t have 10min to wait for toiletpaper since the roll i had put there the previous day had dissapeared. Cue his sudden explosion of anger telling me I can never let him be and everytime he’s off work I have to come in and bother him and that he was in a WOW dungeon with other players etc etc. And he throws the toilet roll down the stairs to me and yells he’s has called his mom and will go to her for the remainder of his healing period. And I just couldn’t handle it anymore… I lost it, I yelled back and said “fine, i’m coming to help you make your luggage”.
Then I went to work, during my time of working he had called his mom, called the police, called our accountant, made a public Instagram story saying I was kicking him out of the house out of the blue while he was barely able to walk, and then came down asking to solve the problem because he loved me.
I would’ve been open for talking and all, but I was so sick and tired of his excuses. I had a c-section with fractured sacrum, and I never spoke badly to anyone because of the pain, I was walking the next day in huge pain, but not snapping at everyone. And that’s what I’m so done with, he always has an excuse for snapping at me while I’m actually either helping him, helping him realise some things could be done better, or setting a boundary (ex: ” I will not pursue this conversation if you keep yelling at me). I use non-violent communication with him, have worked endlessly on explaining to him what’s a boundary, what’s equal partnership etc.. and I can’t say he didn’t improve, but this was the drop. I had been running everywhere for his medical needs, keeping all the bills paid, keeping the house clean, caring for our pets and my daughter and he snaps because i asked for a toilet roll of paper…
So now he’s at his mom’s, all his customers (and therefor some of mine as well) have read the message that I kicked him out. I haven’t responded because I’m a private person and don’t care what outsiders thing of my private life , I know what went on and if he’s trying to be the victim so be it. My friends support me and said I did the right thing.
But i keep feeling guilty because he has just had major surgery and I fear it might be bad for his health. I wish him no harm, I just want him to stop disrespecting me.
AITAH?
Comments
Wash your hands of him, sweetie. He’s a user and a drug abuser. You need to put yourself and your child first.
So you have another kid – get rid of this guy. Be a better parent to your own kids.
NTA. x10
Oh I am so sorry from your health issues to just dealing with this.
You aren’t the problem at all, from the get it seems like he was a waking Red Flag.
He shouldn’t have lied to you and I do agree and know addiction is a disease but it’s not on you to police him.
You gave him most likely thousands of dollars took care of him and he did very little for you.
Don’t feel bad for calling it out, you have done more than I think most would. Trauma is also never an excuse to treat your partner badly.
You would be tA if you took him back after all this but currently not the A!
So, from one abusive relationship to another? I’m sorry, OP, but focus on your own life (kids included, of course). Without him.
Nta. He’s still a mummy’s boy, and that will never change. He disrespected you, lied, and from the sound of things, he’ll never change at all. Move forward and away from him so you can go and find your true person xx
Nta. He’s still a mummy’s boy, and that will never change. He disrespected you, lied, and from the sound of things, he’ll never change at all. Move forward and away from him so you can go and find your true person xx
NTA, you should get therapy to figure out why you keep being drawn towards these kinds of people. He may act sweet but he’s using you financially. You’re giving him a free ride while he’s addicted on and off to hard drugs, starting his business, paying his debt and lawyer fees, letting him live there most likely for free. He may not be abusing you in the traditional sense of the word (physical violence) but he is using you.
Hi! So, there is a bit to unpack here.
His anger issues, his pain, and his addictive personality (based on what you have wrote) shouldn’t be your problem. I get you are trying to help him so you guys can have a happy life together, I honestly do, but there is a difference between helping him fix himself, him showing willingness to do so and improvement AND THIS. You are exhausting yourself, putting aside the basics he should give you, like respect, and allowing yourself to be hurt for what?
This sounds more like he is the “Lord” of the house, and he has accommodated himself into this situation where you are there to help him whenever he falls, yet he is not there for you when you need him to.
You sound more like his mom than his wife/girlfriend.
On top of it, he was the one that said he would go to his mom’s house, he was the one to treat you badly, and it might seem like “a small thing” from the outside, but if you consider all the different context previous to this, it’s just his pattern.
The lies he put up online, and the way he plays victim when he is obviously not, possibly ruining his business and your business, is there even a question here anymore?
What he has been doing to you and himself has absolutely no excuse.
I know things aren’t linear, I know you can’t just up and leave him, but unless there is improvements (which, there hasn’t so far) in the next month or two, you should really leave him.
And you should start preparing already because the way I am understanding this from what you said, he is not gonna change.
PS: I am sorry if I didn’t speak correct English, or used the correct grammar. I am Portuguese and English is my second language and sometimes I can’t remember some words.
Let him rot at his mother’s place and stop having any romantic relationship. Your bar is so low (as long as he doesn’t hit me, it is ok) that you take any man willing to cuddle you. Remember that you have a daughter who will learn after you. And YTA (not for what you told him if course) but for the deplorable example you give to your daughter.
Be prepared for your business to take a hit and he seems like the type to do as much damage as possible when he wants to even the score but he’s been abusing you for a while
You will a AH to yourself if you take him back and not exposing the true. I hope you will tell everyone what really happend and dont takr him back. Being nice does not mean that someone is automatically a good person.
I didn’t even finish reading past the hiding drug use. Girl, if this is real, leave that man alone. You need to go to therapy. Im betting that once you do this, you will notice your health getting better. Just like you invest 12k into him, please invest in getting yourself better for you and your daughter. Also, block him on everything move if you can dont look back, don’t check up on him, nothing.
Dear you are not the ass. Your first mistake was involving yourself with a drug user. They will lie cheat and steal to continue their use. And even if they give up for a time the least excuse will have them fall back onto drug use.
You being so close have excused behavior that pointed towards continued use. I am amazed he was allowed the gastric surgery to be honest.
But the bottom line is like most drug users he had a million and one excuses for his behavior and am addictive behavior which lent to him doing little or nothing around your home or probably with or for you.
You have bled yourself financially to support him and yet he fails to appreciate it and has abused you directly now.
You have removed him from your home and hopefully life. Do not let him back in.
Do yourself a favor and journal about how you felt with him in your home and his behaviors.
Then start journaling about how your life is going without him. In 30 days look at the 2 and compare the situations.
I am positive you will find an extreme emotional and physical burden lifted from your life.
Also look at his favorite places to be in your home. Go over them with a fine tooth comb. You very well may find the refuse of his drug use there. Remove it from your home. He sounds vindictive so you need to protect yourself. Change the locks on your home.
Re his surgery. I have had it as did my wife. About 1 week is the basic convalescent time until he should have at least been doing normal none heavy tasks. So do not lose any sleep over pushing him out.
YTAH for allowing this BS to go on for this long and destroying yourself financially and putting your own 4 year old child’s future in jeopardy for that useless POS drug addict
You are a mother to a 4 year old little girl and you kept her in a household with a jobless verbally abusive drug addict and ruined yourself financially without even giving her a second thought
He has drained your finances, is sabotaging your business publicly and putting your daughter in danger of being with a mother that cannot provide for her..
And you are ‘feeling guilty’?
About what exactly?
Not putting your child first?
You need to self care with compassion. Until you get good therapy and work through your own trauma- you shouldn’t trust yourself to make good relationship choices.
Take some single time. Get a lawyer I expect he and his mother will try to take whatever they can from you.
I’d advise securing any access he has to finances or they will disappear. Do not wait. He is a lying thief.
NTA. I’ve been there with a cocaine addict. He stole my money and pawned my things. Didn’t work, couldn’t find a job. When he found one, he asked me to wake him up at 5 am every day. Every day he’d have an excuse as to why he couldn’t go that day (boss cancelled the job, had to get there earlier as it was a far away job so why didnt i wake him up earlier 🙄 etc) after 3 months he left for his mother’s so I packed his stuff and dropped it off there and told him not to come back.
3 grand in debt and in rent arrears, but happy to cut his malignant ass out of my life!
My point is they won’t get clean because you want them too. They have to want it themselves. Wash your hands of him, concentrate on you and your daughter, and start rebuilding your life.
I’m honestly trying to figure out why you had him on yours and your child’s lives after knowing full and well he was a drug addict. That child should have never been placed in this situation. YTA for rushing into a relationship and getting engaged within 2 months 🤦🏾♀️🤦🏾♀️
What? You moved a drug addict into your home with your 2 yo & got engaged after only knowing him for 6 weeks? Because he is a good hugger? WTF? He is in debt & you are paying for his lawyers instead of saving for your child?? He is volatile & SA you. You are in a verbally abusive, financially abusive & sexually abusive relationship with this man. While he is at his mother’s change the locks, pack up his shit, call the police & get a restraining order against him. YTA for allowing this AH around your child while she watches him abuse you.
Wow wow wow, i read one third and was like; sweetheart, you are in an abusive relationship again. Get out ❤️❤️ he sounds like a horrible person and most likely an narcisist. He started lovebombing you and now he is abusive -not fysically, but emotionally. You have a kid and it is you duty first of all to take Care of her. Never mind what people say, just get out.
Leave him kicked out. Write a letter to his mom with all of the facts (not opinions) about drug use, etc, your investments, etc and ask if she would like to meet to talk in neutral place so that she can at least hear your side of the story.
Up to her. If she doesn’t respond then at least you tried.
Then cut them out of your life.
NTA, please keep your distance. He plays the sweet guy, but obviously that’s too exhausting, that’s why he slips back to verbal abusion all the time.
And who in his right mind decides to get a expensive surgery the moment money is short? That would have been the perfekt opportunity to start eating less.
Sorry to say but he played you like a guitar. Bless your subconciousness for snapping at him, it saved you
You deserve much better.
Time to change the locks, move forward and get therapy
Darling this guy is so much trouble and heartache with so little return on the investment of your time energy and love. Send him back to mumsy permanently
You have what I refer to as “stray cat syndrome”.
You will take in a feral cat and change the behavior to a nice cuddly house cat .
You’re the same way with people..
Your type will for whatever reason, seek out and find a partner who has bad habits, may be irresponsible etc. They become a rehabilitation project.
You endure the bad habits, bad behavior etc. Why? Because even though the methods you use are not working, you swear that the job is an ongoing effort. You cannot bring yourself to give up.
To you, surrender is failure. You can’t have it.
Now, you’ve asked him to move out. Good for you.
Now you’re questioning yourself here..
Why?
For once, think of yourself and your wellbeing and peace of mind..
Oh boo hoo. He’s bad for his own health. You’re not responsible for him anymore.
Yeah you just need to be single for a bit and not jump into relationships with cokeheads you don’t know.
NTA. Op he doesn’t and has never wanted a partner. He wants people to cuddle him and hand him things on a silver plate. I read what you wrote and I got tired just by reading. He is exhausting and he has drained you mentally, physically and financially it seems. What does he give in return? Hugs?!??? Nah. See how extremely he reacted when you put your foot down. He played the victim in a second. Let his mother take care of him.
I would strongly suggest you get yourself some therapy to help you understand the choices you have made so far and to help you work out what it is you truly want or need moving forward. You don’t have to set yourself on fire mentally, emotionally, financially or physically to keep soneone else warm.
No you’re not the arsehole but you will be if you keep putting up with this. You and your daughter deserve soooo much better.
NTA at all. He’s abusive and childish. Weight loss surgery isn’t that painful. I had it and was walking around just fine by 3 days later. You need peace and is a major disturbance to that possibility of peace.
Im sorry op, but stop being a dumbass and letting him to spin some bs story that will hurt you both socialy and financialy. Take back control of the story, and put it ALL out.
Holding someone accountable is not bad for his health. He decided to throw a temper tantrum like an immature child. His surgery was laparoscopic, so it’s not like he’s going to be pulling out stitches or triggering internal bleeding. He’s an untreated addict who has manipulated and abused you. You should not be financially responsible for his shitty life choices and inability to hold down a job. If you stay apart which I pray you do… he has to take ownership of the $40k debt you accrued to save his sorry ass. He’s a lazy, narcissist who’s unable to take any accountability for his own actions.