I (32M) got engaged to my fiancée (29F) last year. She’s amazing. Smart, funny, kind. But her family? Not so much.
Since we started dating, her mom, dad, and younger brother have been “going through something.” Lost jobs, medical bills, car repos, you name it. I’m not heartless, so over the past three years, I’ve helped a lot, loaned money, paid for rent once, even co-signed on her mom’s used car.
The problem is… I started to notice a pattern. The “emergencies” always conveniently popped up around holidays, birthdays, or after they’d post vacation pics. Meanwhile, I’m working 60 hours a week and budgeting like crazy to save for a house and wedding.
Last week, we were at a family dinner and her mom casually said, “I’m assuming you’ll cover the florist and photographer too?” (Referring to our wedding.)
I just laughed and said, “No, we’re actually trimming the budget since I’m not paying for everyone’s life anymore.”
Dead silence.
Her mom turned red and said I was being “cold and ungrateful” to people who’ve “embraced me like family.” Her brother muttered something like “bet you’d care more if we were your family.”
Now my fiancée is upset and says I embarrassed her parents in front of everyone.
AITAH for finally saying what I felt?
Comments
Why are you trying to marry someone who only views you as an ATM for her and her family?
NTA, they are obviously taking advantage of you and they know it. They sound like ungrateful leeches. I hope your fiance is on your side and if she’s defending them, take that as a hint on what your future will look like and run!
Why would you not cover the florist at your own wedding? Who are you expecting to cover it?
What has paying for your own shit got to do with the fact you have been subsiding their lives??
I’m genuinely confused and think you probably are an arsehole.
By all mean stop giving them money, but that was neither the time nor the place to bring it up.
You should have had a separate conversation and probably used a little more tact
ohhhh my goodness, you are SO being used, abused and taken for a fool.
STOP IT ALREADY.
You need to cancel the wedding and RUN.
>Last week, we were at a family dinner and her mom casually said, “I’m assuming you’ll cover the florist and photographer too?” (Referring to our wedding.)
(It’s hard for me to see what trimming the budget for your own wedding has to do with anything but if they understood the connection so be it.)
ESH. I do not believe you should have smashed together your behavior (giving people money/spending a lot of money) with your judgment related to your fiancé’s family (“everyone’s life”) in a single flippant comment.
I agree with your future MIL that the delivery was cold (despite it being jovial) and I agree with your fiancé to the extent that the delivery was mocking.
I have no problem with the actual message or the timing. However, I strongly believe that the delivery of the comment was condescending and cast a pall over any prospect of a respectful response. You can say the most brutal, final things in the world in a way that portrays openness and empathy.
But that’s life. People offend each other all the time.
NTA. I can’t believe you co-signed a used car for your fiancée’s mom’s car. That would have been the ultimate warning sign. They’re using you like a bank. You should have discussed confronting them with your fiancée, but she should have stopped this a while ago. You work your ass off then they “borrow” what you make? That’s unacceptable.
NTA- Don’t marry someone who want’s you for your money, If your fiancée doesn’t care about you than don’t keep this up,
NTA.
“No, please do not cater to my family’s demands! They can pay their own way through life.”
For reference: THIS is what someone honest would say to you.
And to her family: “STOP asking for money!”
WHY do you want to marry into a bunch of mooches?
Nta and op, I’m sorry but you are being AH to yourself. Because when someone( doesn’t matter who) said they’re going through something, but you explained the repo cars and losing houses, and especially the jobs. Like all of them? Op, that was a huge majority of red flags from very beginning. They’re not financial responsibility and my guess that losing their jobs because they’re not trustworthy or hardworking type. And repo the cars, because they didn’t pay the bills, before or after losing their jobs. They are being recklessly spending money on worthless things instead paying their responsibility bills. Op, I’m sorry but you need to run and check your bank information or any important documents because I heard some similar situations like this one and they will hurt and destroy the reputation on the poor person’s life after they are no used for them to take and throw them away after they got that they wanted.
Op, run away and protect yourself and check your important documents and accounts.
“She’s amazing. Smart, funny, kind.” But you forgot to add “and allows her family to con money out of me and supports her family when I call them out without calling them out.”
“She’s amazing. Smart, funny, kind.” But you forgot to add “and allows her family to con money out of me and supports her family when I call them out without calling them out.”
“She’s amazing. Smart, funny, kind.” But you forgot to add “and allows her family to con money out of me and supports her family when I call them out without calling them out.”
Ever heard the term fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me. They have zero respect for you, especially your fiancé. Do not marry this person, you are an AtM to them. Get out now!
What your fiancé should have done was put a stop to it years ago. You didn’t embarrass her mother, her mother embarrassed herself. If you stay with this person you will never have anything. RUN!
NTA, dude. ur gf’s fam sounds like a buncha leeches, no offense. Yeah, family is family, but it ain’t a free pass to ride your gravy train. And the bro saying you’d care more if they were your fam? Newsflash, dude — family doesn’t mean squat if u ain’t pulling ur weight. U’ve done more than your fair share. Keep it real and don’t let ’em guilt-trip u. Hang in there, bro. 💪
So your fiance is marrying her family’s ATM?
You’re already making very poor decisions, OP.
Get your head on straight.
Esh. Sounds like everyone sees you as a cash cow. Including the fiancé. She expects you to now help her family just because they are family. Youve already commited to the car that will eventually become your problem and they won’t be able to pay off. You better run now OR keep finances separate when married and make it clear your money will not go to helping her family. She will have use her own money to give them.
NTA, you should have said it months ago.
If you don’t see red flags,; you’re color blind.
NTA. Best way is to get your lady on board first.
Then, add up exactly how much you have covered in expenses, and for whom. Say it adds to 10k dollars.
Tell everyone who asks for money, “I understand times are tough. That is why I budgeted 10k for helping family when they needed it. Unfortunately, that money has been lent out and none has come back. So as soon as (relatives name who borrowed) pays me back, I will be in a position to help you. Thanks for understanding”.
Dude the fact your having to post this is worrying. Keep at your work. State your boundaries to your gf and her family. If you don’t right now, the rest of your life could be stressful and depressing. If your GF can’t get on board, find one who appreciates your hard work by reciprocating it with respect.
Take a road trip with yourself for a week and soul search.
At least a vacation day alone.
You are so young
YTA for this one specific event. You should not have answered the florist/photographer question by saying anything other than no, I’m not or whatever the real answer is. Overall, though, you’ve allowed yourself to be financially used since you’ve been seeing this woman. What does she think about the big picture of your subsidizing her family’s lifestyle? Your cutting them off financially would be wise and not at all an AH move. If she thinks you should continue to act like an ATM, you need to reevaluate this relationship and get out of it before you’re trapped into an unhappy and very expensive marriage with a woman that always picks her family over you.
You’re working 60 hours a week so you can buy her a house? How good is she in bed? She must be amazing. Run.
NTA~ Re-examine your life choices. Would you really want to be more involved with this ever occurring financial situation with that family? Start talking pre-nuptials; and watch that reaction- There your answer will show itself.
>Last week, we were at a family dinner and her mom casually said, “I’m assuming you’ll cover the florist and photographer too?” (Referring to our wedding.)
>I just laughed and said, “No, we’re actually trimming the budget since I’m not paying for everyone’s life anymore.”
…but that’s about your wedding, that’s stuff you should actually be paying for. who else is gonna pay for that?
co-signing on her mom’s car doesn’t make you an AH, it just makes you an idiot.
This is fake.
“embraced me like family.”
Should have responded, no embraced me like an atm
Why are you even marrying her, she doesn’t love you or care for you or she wouldn’t be upset and say that you embarrassed her parents in front of everyone.
Call off the wedding or they’ll keep rinsing you for your money
NTA – but please either do NOT combine bank accounts – except one for bills that you both contribute to. Yes, it is time to stop funding them. but it also maybe time to see what your future wife is made of. Be prepared to pay for the used car in full.
I don’t understand the comment around the florist. Who is paying for this wedding? What’s the context for the mother even mentioning it?
Your snap back doesn’t make sense based on what you’ve written. Also have you ever had a conversation with your partner about her family and their requests for money?
ESH.
NTA You need to get away from these bloodsucking people. That includes the fiancé….she’s in on it with her family.
Bro, gtfo of there
I am glad you stood up for yourself. Hopefully, your fiance picks u and not her family. If she sides with her family, you have your answer about whether you dmshoukd get married or not.
Sounds like you have dodged a bullet.
Can you explain how you’re ungrateful?
SPOILER ALERT:
Your future wife is going to drain marital accounts to subsidize her moocher relatives.
OP, you said “loan”; do you actually think you’ll be paid back? Not a chance. Your fiance is not on your side. You still want to marry her?
I agree your in-laws sound like complete users. But as far as weddings costs, you and your fiancé should be paying for most of it. Your in-laws obviously cannot afford the wedding. My 2 older daughters paid for their own destination weddings, they married in their 30s.
Bro, when you’re married – then you’re family and on tap.
Quit now before you’re the ATM for life!
NTA but you’re still choosing to marry someone who will support her family using you
u/bot-sleuth-bot
NTA. The red flags are flying high. I ignored them when I was first engaged and I got years of misery as punishment.
She may really be wonderful. But ten years from now, what do you see?
My brother in Christ, is your fiance not financially contributing to your wedding?
Nta BUT when you marry you also marry the family. Hopefully, you will finish on your side, and you all can start setting boundaries. But if she isn’t, that’s a huge red flag!
I think YTA for how you chose to communicate this, not for how you’re feeling. You accepted being treated as a wallet when you should not have. This is a discussion you should’ve had with your gf, in private, and it was her job to tell her family not to expect anymore handouts. You chose to be passive aggressive which isn’t great in a relationship.
Run now!
🚩🚩🥲
NTA. Tell your fiance that if your relationship with her family is dependent on your money, then either boundaries need to be set and followed, or this relationship is doomed.
Why aren’t you paying for the florist and photographer at your own wedding? I’m very confused why this is an expense you think her family should pay.
YTA for continuing to marry this woman
Her whole family treats you like a wallet
Where did you say this at and in front of just them or others, in this scenario yes she would be the ass but in private at a family dinner table. Nope, you’re not the . I get it , you are tired of helping them out of your own free will, you got to be the big generous benefactor so you did it because you wanted to and now wish to put an end to it, that’s fine you just don’t make people feel little in public. It should be obvious they can’t afford the wedding so go small or as large as you’re want so you and your fiancé can pay for it all yourselves. Problem solved stop making a big deal and most definitely stop paying for others in your life so you start feeling so resentful. But also because you did it of your own free will stop making them feel embarrassed and ashamed because you were generous and sure as hell seemed to want to do it when you did it. It’s just the way you want about it. That sucks.