We’re getting married next year and my fiance and I decided early on that we want a small, intimate wedding so nothing over the top just close friends and immediate family. We’re paying for the entire thing ourselves which I thought would mean we get full say. Apparently not.
His parents have been trying to micromanage everything from the guest list to the venue to what kind of food “real weddings” are supposed to serve. They want some 200 person blowout with people neither of us has spoken to in a decade. I’ve been biting my tongue for weeks, but it’s been exhausting. Even my fiancé who’s usually way more patient than I am, finally admitted he’s sick of the constant interference. Things finally escalated over during a family dinner when his mom made another comment about our “budget wedding” and how it’s going to “embarrass the family.” I snapped. I told them to fuck off and that this is our wedding, not theirs. We’re not asking for their money or their approval and they don’t get to dictate how our day looks just because they have opinions. Now they’re calling me disrespectful and saying I “crossed a line.” I feel like I only said what needed to be said, but some of our friends think I could’ve handled it better. Thoughts?
AITAH for telling my fiance’s parents to fuck off and let us do the wedding the way that we want?
r/AITAH
Comments
What does your fiance say?
You’re NTA but what does your future husband think? And why hasn’t he said anything to them himself?
YTA for this inlaw/wedding ragebait that’s on here every damn day
NTA but your husband should have said it instead of you.
Respond to any of the above comments to show you are not a bot karma farmer. NTA if this story is real by the way.
They crossed the line first. You wouldn’t have had to say anything if they didn’t think they could hijack your wedding. I will never understand people that think they can dictate other people’s events.
NTA, and I hate that these assholes are making you even question this. Your friends are garbage and so is your fiancé, who should have shot them down a very long time ago. It is your wedding and a day for you, nobody else. Ask them why they feel the need to interfere with something not for them or that they are not contributing to financially at all. The only thing that would “embarrass the family” is exposing just how selfish these two are.
If I were you I’d have just told them if they don’t stop they’re not invited – I almost did that to my MIL who made several aspects about her or tried to. Thankfully she stopped when I put my foot down.
You know you needs to be handling it? The boyfriend. You’re marrying a man child. He needs to stand up.
Weddings are stressful enough w o this. I would’ve used nicer words considering they’re going to be family. You’re completely in the right.
My first wedding, we were planning something small but my mom’s started going nuts, wanting to invite tons of people we’d never heard of. Called her up one morning told her we were gonna be at the court house at 11am if she wanted to attend the wedding.
NTA They crossed the line long before you did.
NTA. It’s crazy how some folks think they can dictate others’ special days… Have you tried explaining that this is about your vision, not theirs?
if you literally told your fiance’s parents to “fuck off” then YTA. You could have been firm and stood your ground and told them to back off without saying “fuck off”.
NTA but this is a classic “his family, his responsibility” issue. It is HE who should have stood up to them. It is HE he should have made them stop, well BEFORE you had to blow up. And if you reached your limit, you should have simply walked out and then told your husband to set them straight. And you handle anything coming from YOUR family.
You were right that they have NO say, but at the same time by YOU being the one to yell at HIS parents, you will never recover from this. You’ve made yourself the enemy, and it will now forever be YOUR fault. YOU pressured him into this, YOU refused to let his family attend. YOU are controlling. YOU are the villain. You can see how it would have benefitted you to step back and let HIM handle it, because then they could be mad about it, but they wouldn’t be able to say it was YOU, specifically. They were waiting for you to snap, and now they get to play the victim, and put your fiance in the middle of this mess. They will demand apologies, they will scream about “disrespect.”
My advice is to stop contact with them and let your fiance read them the riot act. “I do not want a big wedding. Not just OP, but me either. I don’t want to celebrate with people I’m not close to, I couldn’t give a shit about embarrassing the family or having a budget wedding. This is what WE want, I am sick of you pressuring us both to the point of insanity, and I won’t tolerate it anymore. We are making our own plans, we are not asking for help, contributions, or opinions. Stay out of it. If you can’t do that, you will not be invited and we will be staying out of your lives. You can tell all you want about OP being disrespectful, but we all know that you forced it to that point by overstepping and being inreasonably controlling. You back off, or you won’t be in our lives at all.”
He needs to do this. He needed to it it before this really. This is his responsibility. If they won’t be respectful or treat you decently, are overstepping, it’s his responsibility to keep them away from you guys AND your wedding plans.
The wedding is the start. You have e the rest of every day of your life to tell them to fuck off about everything. You really are marrying a family, Some people understand it more than others.
How I would love to been a fly on the wall at that gathering! You are the heroine of this dispute – stand firm, and keep the farts at arms length.
NTA! This reminds me of my wedding so much. My husband and I really wanted a small intimate wedding (no more than 40 people), but it ended up being commandeered and completely overthrown by my mom (who paid for less than 25% of wedding). All because I wanted to give her a chance to be apart of the process. We went from 40 to 85, had the tackiest decorations in the world, and my dream of wearing a jumpsuit shattered. At least we were able to choose the venue and cake design. There were so many other decisions I didn’t get to make. So long story short, do exactly what you want. It is your wedding! Don’t let someone tell you what to do just because they are family. If family really cares about you they will just suck it up.
YTA this isn’t the way to resolve conflict or to behave towards the family you’re marrying into. You might’ve just set off a trend between you and your in-laws of exploding rather than seeking solution
If the Interference was going to bother you, you and your partner should’ve gotten on the same page from day 1 so he could tell his family that their input wouldn’t be necessary bc you two had everything handled, and everything would be a surprise for even family.
Tldr: This couldve been addressed from the jump in a way more appropriate manner had you and your partner bothered to trouble shoot. This back and forth is a sign of things to come, it’s best you focus on what YOU can do to live cohesively now that you’re blending families.
You’ve held your tongue and had to listen to their criticism long enough. It’s your wedding and if your future in laws are so embarrassed with how your simple wedding, then they shouldn’t be invited.
Honestly, you didn’t cross a line. Your wedding is your day, and if you’re paying for it, you get to decide how it goes. It sucks that they’re acting so entitled, but sometimes people need to hear the hard truth to back off. Yeah, maybe the wording was blunt, but you were pushed to the limit. Your fiancé being on your side is what really matters here. Keep standing your ground this is about what makes you both happy.
Apologize for cursing. Then both you and your fiancé together should tell them you will not discuss anything about this wedding with them. They will get an invitation.
A real wedding is the legal bit. Everything else, and I mean everything, is just fluff.
A wedding should be whatever the couple getting married want.
Sweetie, this is building up to “hissy fit” performance time. If the pressure doesn’t stop just go to City Hall and get married. Use the wedding money for a great honeymoon ans mailing out wedding announcements.
Since the in-laws want a big wedding party they should renew their vows and have one!
YTA if you actually used those words and should have said something as soon as it started. Instead, you waited until it became unbearable and exploded. I do understand the words that you chose because that is really what you want them to do but it is a bit disrespectful. Your wedding on your dime it’s all for you to choose. Your fiancé needs to grow a set though to be able to shut that stuff down.
If you were actually at the dinner table having a meal and used the words “fuck off” to handle an issue with your FUTURE IN-LAWS then not not only are YTA, you were completely disrespectful in their own home and going to have many more problems with them in the future.
You simply don’t speak to people like that who are going to be in your life for the next 30 years. Be an adult and say, ” This is our wedding. This is what we’re doing. You can come or not come. We’re done discussing it.”
Micromanage can fuck off, even more so when they are not contributing.
NTA. They’re not paying for the wedding so they get no say in it. Make sure they know that if they say one more thing about it then they won’t be invited.
NTA………………..They crossed the decency line long ago. You needed to let them know how you feel. They are trying to be helpful…..BUT, they don’t have reasonable limits.
Your Wedding = your choice. That simple.
Even if they paid for everything, I wouldn’t accept the $$$ cause they become the controllers.
Do your own thing. Make it fun. Don’t back down….it will only get worse if they get away with this.
NTA if they were being being rude and unbearable you wouldn’t have had to be so blunt. And that’s all you were is blunt and to the point. The problem they all have is your response left them no wiggle room which means they know they will get nothing they want. Your wedding your way.
NTA
But you don’t have a in-law problem you have a husband problem. It’s great he has finally admitted his parents are crossing a line but he needs to do something about it not you. Both of you should be dealing with your own parents not the other way around.
Tell him to get his parents in check full stop.
I wouldn’t marry a guy who can’t handle his own family and lets you snap and bear the brunt of it. This is going to be your married life: you fighting his family and he saying nothing at all, leaving the role of the bad guy to you.
I do have to agree with your fILs that your of choice of language crossed a line. But then, so did their behavior cross a line. And I don’t blame you.
You’ve established that boundary, do NOT relax it. Make it clear to them that their only involvement in the wedding is to show up & smile.
Personally, I don’t trust your fMIL, so make sure to put passwords on all the vendors.
If you want to give your fILs their “moment in the sun”, let them host a reception 6 months after the wedding, one they pay for, one they control the guest for, etc. One where all you have to do is show up & smile.
NTA
NTA
However, your fiancé is going to have to tell his family to back off. I understand your regular dynamic and personalities, but right now it’s his family causing massive issues and he needs to put them in their place.
Say what you mean. Mean what you say. But do not say it mean.
Apologize for the f-bomb, and don’t do it again. Also, have the exact wedding you and your fiancé planned. No apologies necessary for that.
YTA- just by saying Fuck Off, however, you are NTA for getting them to stop interfering with your wedding. You could have used better words.
NTA
No pay – no say.
That said, you’re marrying a man, right? Time he act like one, you shouldn’t be the one telling the in-laws to stuff it.
Your soon to be husband needs to stand up to his parents. End of.
You really want to marry a spineless douche who stands by and watches his fiancé be disrespected and disregarded by HIS family?? Thats bonkers. Buckle up buttercup because marrying someone who doesn’t stand up for you makes for a really bumpy road.
YTA for how you responded, to anyone other than your future in-laws I’d back you 100% but, well deserved, it’s best to be more fake polite with future family.
When I was getting married I was told by a number of older men who’d been married for decades:
What the bride wants, the bride gets, doesn’t matter how stupid it seems, you happily go along with it. More than that, your (the groom’s) job is to safeguard the bride from the in-laws. Mothers will want to do their own things, the bride can tell you what she likes or hates and then can defer to you for any decisions. The groom’s job is to “put his foot down” and make the answer of no well known and to reassert that as necessary. In exchange, he gets to unwrap the prettiest package after the wedding is over.
Besides taking the flack like this off the bride and putting on the groom who can often be indifferent to how others feel about him, it establishes 2 things.
Sounds like the groom needs to step up and really put his family in their place.
You could have handled it better, but at least they now have something to talk about besides the wedding.
You screwed up, but you are NTA.
esh
I understand your frustration, but “fuck off” was not the way to go. Especially since you were, as you wrote, “biting your tongue.” If you hadn’t said anything to them, jumping to swearing was harsh.
Premarital counseling ASAP. I am serious. Either your fiance gets fully on board on telling his boundary stomping parents to back off and enforcing it (usually for each offence you leave the dinner, end the call etc and go no contact for say a week or month) or he is not ready to get married and you two will have a crazy horrible marriage.
The snapping was a BIT out of line. You could have just left and / or repeated. “It is our wedding. We are paying for it and will do what we want vs what other people expect, pass the potatoes please.”
NTA
So take over and cut them out. YOU be the one to send out the invites. YOU check the final arrangements and vendors and cross off any you don’t want. Complete info starvation. Golden rule, baby. Your gold your rules. Dont pay for shit you don’t want.
Go off and have a small wedding soon and tell them the weddings happened.
We went to some friends wedding where there were only 6 guests and the 6 of us split the bill for lunch in the pub afterwards for us and the bride and groom.
My parents tried to take over our wedding.
It can be a total nightmare.
It’s time for your finance to step up and deal with his parents firmly. If he can’t, he’s not worth marrying at all. NTA
NTA at all, fam. Your wedding, your rules. They’re prob just salty cos it ain’t their show. Keep ur head up n’ do you. 🙌🔥
NTA!
NTA
Your outburst is completely understandable and if were you, I would also be mad at the fiance because he did not say anything to his parents and now you are the bad person. Preparing a wedding is stressful enough, you don’t have to cope with their opinion about it.
I hope your fiance understands and has your back on this.
NTA, but Your fiance should have been the one to shut his parents down and I’m curious why he didn’t . I hope that after this he steps up more often when it comes to them otherwise he’s putting you in a shitty position where you start being painted as an target for people who will always take your parents side
N T A for wanting your wedding your way. YTA for telling them to F off. Could have made the same point without cussing them out
NTA, the F off might have been a bit harsh and will probably be held against the OP for the duration of the relationship. However, since the son wasn’t going to stand up to his overbearing parents someone had to do it, in order to have the wedding the way the bride and groom envision it. Good luck with your marriage.
NTA. You handled what your man should have nipped in the bud long, long ago. The fact that they do not acknowledge their own line-crossing gives you a crystal ball, crystal clear view of what your entire marriage will be like. Life is too short for shit in-laws and a spineless husband. Again, this is on him for not nipping it at the first indication.
Genuinely if this happened to me I’d be booking a 2 week wedding + honeymoon in Barbados or something and noone gets to come.