I (30F) host a monthly girls’ night with a small group of close friends. It’s nothing extravagant just snacks, wine, venting about work, dating, life. Kind of a standing thing we all look forward to because it’s a no-pressure no-partners space. Everyone knows the deal it’s just us girls, no significant others.
One of my friends, Allie (29F), has been dating this new guy for around six months now. I’m genuinely happy for her he seems nice but she’s started bringing him everywhere. Brunch? He’s there. Chill wine night at someone’s place? He’s there. It’s gotten to the point where we rarely see her without him, and honestly, it’s started to shift the vibe of our group stuff.
So when I sent out the invite for last week’s girls’ night, she replied asking if he could “just come hang out for a little.” I told her nicely that I really wanted to keep it how it’s always been: girls only. It wasn’t about her boyfriend specifically, just the boundary we’d all kind of agreed on. She didn’t say much after that, but then didn’t show up. Later I heard through another friend that she’s calling me “controlling” and saying I’m gatekeeping the group.
I honestly didn’t mean to upset her but I feel like it’s not unreasonable to want just one night with my friends without partners there. Everyone else seems to get it. It’s not like I banned her boyfriend from ever coming to anything I just wanted to keep girls’ night girls’ night. So yeah now I’m wondering if I came off harsh or too rigid. AITAH?
Comments
NTA. Sounds unhealthy.
You are, indeed, gate keeping the group. Good. If the group sets a boundary, the host needs to keep that boundary.
NTA
NTA. There’s no reason why a girls’ night needs to include a guy and I’m glad you kindly drew a line. Hopefully, he’s allowed to have guys’ nights with his friends, too, without her having to be there. If she can’t tolerate a few hours without him, that’s her and their problem, and not yours.
NTA. My bf has regular boys night & I’m not invited. That being said, every once in a while they are open to me joining in and are flexible with it.
Maybe you can suggest every 3rd girls night, could be bring a plus 1 night? I feel like that’s a good middle ground for everyone being happy
Is there something going wrong that she can’t leave the guy unsupervised for one evening? She can’t make her insecurities everyone else’s problem. Ntah.
Your GF sounds like she has a problem. This guy won’t leave her alone. You might ask her if she needs help getting away from him.
Please make it clear that he is not welcome when you have an evening with your women friends. And if your GF says she just has to have him with her, explain this is a boundary you have previously crossed on her behalf but you dislike it and you refuse to do it anymore. Make it clear she is always welcome but only without him. And if she shows up with him again DON’T LET HIM IN. Explain to him what you explained to her and welcome her in and send him away—and if she gets her nose out of joint about it, let her decide but stand your ground. She may need your support in getting rid of him.
NTA girls night is for the girls. Guy is probably a clingy asshat that won’t let her do anything without him.
Girlie really didn’t understand the assignment. NTA.
NTA. Sounds like the beginning of a very toxic relationship. She might not even realize it yet. She thinks he just wants to spend time with her but in reality he’s being the controlling one. Wants to keep tabs on her at all times.
Women who are taken don’t get to go on girl’s nights without their man. It is the way it is and you need to deal with it. If he doesn’t allow that then it’s because he cares and she obliges because she respects him. Leave it alone.
Nope, girls need to be girls. Boundaries
Nta .
The same would apply if the gyys wanted an estrogen free night to themselves.
Poker night. A ball game. Etc.
29F knows the rules.
Reverse the psychology. Tell her if she insists on inviting her BF, she is essentially excluding herself.
He’s probably controlling her and she’s projecting
NTA but as nice as the guy seems, keep checking in with your friend, just incase he’s the one controlling this (as someone who’s been in this situation, guy seems lovely and charming but behind closed doors abusive and controlling and wouldn’t allow me to attend anything without him – flatmates want to pop to the pub…he drives an hour from his house as I’m not allowed to go without him etc)
NTA, she’s obsessed with new BF.
Ugh clingy insecure controlling men.
Extremely unhealthy relationship. And why TF would these dude even wanna come to girls night with her friends, her friends(!)? No way, the day they are out of the honeymoon phase she will suffocate and they will fight and break up.
The only way this would be acceptable is if you all were 15 and then meet like a month ago, have busy life’s and are so in love with little to no time. Still not OK to bring a boyfriend to girls night but i’m saying I could see it happening.
This is just so unacceptable that it’s crazy.
We all have that friend who disappear when they get a partner, and seeing how they are glued together it’s just a matter of time. Then she will show up a year or two from now moping about the break up and his controlling nature.
NTA it sounds like it’s her boyfriend, who’s the controlling one. Or maybe they’re codependent.
In normal relationships, people should always have friends that can they see separately, and then sometimes together. My son and his girlfriend have been together for seven years, do a lot of things together, and then separately with friends and relatives. When she makes plans, he comes and sees me for a day or two. Or his father. Or sister. He has boys night/weekends get together. She just had a girls three day trip with some of her college friends. Sees her family/sister sometimes when he has plans. They do take fantastic vacations together, and with others friends too. It isn’t normal to spend every waking minute with your partner. Absence makes the heart grow fonder. (Familiarity breeds contempt) LMFAO🤣
Husband POV here. The norm is either all significant others are invited or none. That’s weird to bring your bf or husband to a girls night. Defeats the entire purpose. Same if a guy brings his gf or wife to a boys night. It’s healthy for women to have a safe space and social group to vent, discuss lady issues and relationships. Same with guys to have a safe space to talk candidly. I think it’s a red flag to not give your partner space to be with friends in a safe place and encourage my wife to have girl time with her friends. Sometimes she even hosts at our place and I stay in a bedroom or go out so they can have alone time. I pop in to say hello since I’m friends with them all too; but when it’s girls night I give them space.
NTA
She is abusive for even asking
since she had since insulted you, is she really a friend?
minimize contact
NTA. It is literally GIRLS night, not everyone chill night… Which is sounds like you do as well anyway.
We’ve had girls night at a friend’s a couple of times and her husband has been there and it really does change the whole dynamic and mood of the night. Like, I love her husband, he is great fun, but it’s not girls night if someone’s partner is there.
At best this sounds like an unhealthy co-dependency and at worst the beginnings of abuse in the form of social isolation. It’s perfectly reasonable to keep a girls night “girls only” and the whole group should not have to change the way that they have enjoyed this nights just for her sake. It’s unreasonable for her to expect this. If she wants him to be included in the group then she can arrange a separate hang out that is open to all partners. Definitely NTA but if you care about her, I’d keep a close eye out in case she needs help.
NTA. That’s weird af . What part of GIRLS night is so hard to understand? Also wondering why he wants to tag along- he doesn’t have friends of his own? You made it clear that it’s a no partners rule for everyone not just targeting her so if she’d rather hang with her bf fine-she’s either overly attached or he is and honestly that situation that can be incredibly toxic. They’ll ditch you for the partners and then as soon as an issue happens or the relationship ends they’ll come running back trying to be close again.
NTA.
Seriously, this concept of “gatekeeping” always being a bad thing needs to end. Sometimes the people supposedly “gatekeeping” are in the right.
Its a girls group. Unless he has ovaries, he should not be there. Nta
Good for you. She’s the one trying to undemocratically change the group
Does she think if he had a guys night, she would be invited? Lmao
Weirdo.
My girlfriend had a girls night.
I prepped them snacks and food and drinks and then pissed off for the evening. What dude in his right mind would want to be around that all night? Crazy
NTA. There might be a possibility that he isn’t as nice as anyone thinks. He might secretly be controlling and he HAS to be everywhere she goes. Either that or she’s just being a spoilt brat having a tantrum because she’s can’t be anywhere without her new hip attachment.
NTA.
The dude doesn’t have a social life of his own or a community of his own if he’s always tagging along and that’s an orange flag at best.
Let her feel however she feels about it, keep hosting girl only events. She and re bf aren’t linked by an umbilical cord or Siamese twins, they can attend things separately. If she chooses not to attend, that’s her choice to make.
If she can’t leave him alone for few hours she could get a babysitter 😂😂
No seriously, I think something is wrong with them. Maybe he’s so controlling and doesn’t let her go out alone?
What part of “girl’s night” does she not understand? If she can’t tear herself away from him for a single evening (totally pathetic) then she can stay home with him and not bother you all. It is simple.
NTA
NTA.
People who refuse to go anywhere without their partners are codependent as fuck.
NTA. If Allie can’t be away from her boyfriend for even a few hours, that’s her issue to deal with. That level of attachment to him is probably not healthy but that’s their issue to deal with. Girls night is girls night though, she knows this, she can choose to join and leave the man’s side for one night, or she can choose to spend the night with her man. Her choice. But she doesn’t get to spoil girls night for everyone else
When you are the host for an event, then it’s part of the role to decide who is and is not invited.
That’s not gatekeeping, that’s how hosting get-togethers works. You decide on the guest list and you don’t extend invitations to those you don’t want to attend!
There’s NOTHING wrong at all in keeping girls’ night for the girls.
I assume your group do things WITH partners as well, and her BF is welcome to attend those gatherings.
Sounds like she’s one of those girls who can’t contemplate spending a second without their BF when dating. Uugh!
NTA
Yes we were all married..
She’s in an unhealthy relationship BUT keep your boundaries with the friend group. It may cause her to drift off from the group but that is decisions SHE is making.
The dude is just as fucked up as she is
Any good dude would encourage their woman to have a girls night out.
They seem perfect for each other…..until they are not
Definitely NTA but this sounds like ‘first boyfriend at 15 I’ll die if we’re apart for five minutes’ nonsense and your friend is presumably not 15 so it’s really quite concerning that she can’t do a social thing without him.