AITAH for telling my GF she needs to pay rent for her kids?
So back story my (M34) and gf (32F) have been dating for 2.5 years and living together for about 13 months. We moved to a different state for her to go to college. So we both had to get new jobs, I found one off the bat. She took a couple months to find something. So I started paying for everything. Eventually she came around and started paying for groceries. But she doesn’t have money for anything else. She does have a couple of kids. So she has them full time and the father doesn’t pay any child support. I mean I make pretty good money but I don’t feel I should be paying for everything. Plus she decided not to go to college any more.
Anyway, we were out to dinner the other night and I forget exactly how the topic came up but it had to do with her kids. I guess I was giving advice when that wasn’t my intention. I thought we were just talking about issues. Anyway, she proceeded to tell me how I’m not a parent and I have no room to talk and that I need to leave the parenting to her. So I told her that if that’s the case she should pay rent for her kids then. (We have a three bed room unit and while we are both on the lease I’m paying for it). I told her it would be about $900 a month on account of that’s about $475 per room. Obviously she was angry. Eventually we got past that, but I started thinking maybe I was out of line.
So was I TAH?
Comments
NTA
IF you’re taking on parental responsibilities, you have a say in the parenting.
Or, she can pay for her damn kids.
I wouldn’t say you were. You live with these kids, you are the other adult, and you pay all the bills. I think you would have some say in parenting issues discussed.
Tough call. What are your long-term plans with her?
Are you gonna get married and will those be your kids then?
For now, there has to be some better communication where you’re allowed to say things without telling her how to raise her kids but at the same time, she and the kids are your roommate and they have to respect that.
Is paying for the extra room, gonna break her financially?
you both need to sit down when it’s quiet and calm over breakfast without the kids around and discuss the future and managing finances.
You both need to start figuring out how much you’re gonna be saving towards your future and if you’re gonna either buy a house or at least just to start sucking money away for retirement or for expenses, which come up.
In terms of equity having her pay for two rooms may be a little much, but maybe splitting the rent 50-50 as an option and even if that doesn’t work, discuss how you as a couple are gonna manage resources and bills and save for the future.
NTA, sounds like she’s using you for a free ride. Who’s to say she isn’t getting CS for 2 kids?!? You’re not privy to all her info.
This is why you shouldn’t date single mothers. I mean it’s fine if she’s a widow. But otherwise it generally means she’s a habitually poor decision maker.
If she doesn’t consider you a parent or male figure in her kids life you aren’t responsible to pay for them. She needs to get s job and pay for half the expenses, including rent and food. Otherwise kick her to the curb and find someone who isn’t an asshole.
Nah, you’re not the asshole for wanting fairness. You’re covering everything while she’s not chipping in like she should. She needs to step up or it’s not cool to expect you to pay for her kids too.
NTA. I’m a mom with a dead beat baby daddy. My husband and I pool all money but if I was her I wouldnt allow you to pay for everything. She’s using you!!!
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ESH she should be paying for her kids, but u also shouldn’t be dating single mothers if you’re not ready for the responsibility that it comes with.
You knew she had kids, you knew she wasn’t getting any child support, you knew she was going to be without a job and then only have limited working hours due to school, AND you still thought it was a good idea to move in with her? You made your own mess.
NTA
You turned your life upside down to move so she could go to college. You covered all living expenses while she looked for a job. Presumably, she found one, but instead of covering at least half of the expenses, she is only paying for groceries. Plus, the whole reason you moved, so she could go to college, is forgotten/ignored.
She doesn’t want you to have any say regarding her children but expects you to totally pay for their life except for food. Basically, she is using you as an ATM to support herself and her children.
NTA. What you said has a valid point — you pay for everything. Including the kids, that aren’t even yours. You substitute their living expenses, that should come from the father of the kids and take on the responsibility. Which makes you a parental figure in their life. If you aren’t allowed to do that, then she has to take the responsibility completely and alone. And should try to get child support from the father. You can’t have it both ways.
Edit: Saw a mistake I had to fix. If I see it, I can’t unsee it. xD
So she’s not working, not going to school, not paying to live in the residence, not paying to support her kids, not collecting child support? When you love someone you want what is best for that person. So it seems pretty obvious that you love her but it seems to me like she does not love you since she doesn’t seem to care you are supporting everyone in the household and she gets to make zero effort. Wow. If she really cared about you she would WANT to contribute, not dump it all on you.
NTA, if you’re footing the bill you have some say
Either this is fake or OP is getting taken for a ride.
Moves to a different state so gf can go to college, she ends up not going. He’s paying for her and her 3 kids, and she’s “not getting any child support”.
The more likely scenario is that she found a mark who would pay for her and her children and she’s pocketing the child support.
NTA- she’s not going to school or working and you’re supporting all of them. You didn’t agree for her to be a freeloader. You could have a studio and save much more money. Cut her off. She’s a STAH lazy gf who won’t let you parent kids you are supporting
NTA. She can pay proportionally for her kids. She can also get the children’s father to pay child support. You should not be funding anything for her children.
NTA – she needs to get a job that covers part of the bills and also go after the father for child support.
You are either roommates or a family. She doesn’t get it both ways. If you are paying for everything like a dad, then you get dad rights as well as the responsibilities.
NTA.
Plain and simple. You are the boyfriend. Not the stepdad. Even if you were. It is not your responsibility to pay for this woman and her kids life. It’s hers. No matter what y’all do. It’s hers.
So she is living with you’re and her kids. She isn’t in school and you’re paying for everything? Including her kids? You’re basically supporting kids that are not your own? So if something happens to you she has nothing?
I don’t think you have the right to patent someone else’s kids, but you should also not be supporting someone else’s kids as you have no parental rights! You’re being taken advantage of. You moved for her to go to school. You get a new job, she does not. Then she quits school? Hmmm?
Leave that single mother
She doesn’t have a job, no child support, so I have a question-Where does she get the money to buy groceries?
Yeah no NTA kiddo
NTA – she made you move to another area. Then decides not to go to college, which is why you all moved. Then she doesn’t want you to parent. She needs to NEVER leave her kids with you, if you aren’t allowed to parent them. She should be paying for more of the expenses because there are 3 of them.
NTA. Not your kids, you are not a stepdad and she says not to parent her kids; she needs to financially support them instead of you supporting her kids.
This is why you don’t hook up with anyone with kids
NTA. Your house, your entitled to rent or boundaries — or both.
NTA So you can fulfill a parental roll when it comes to finances, and but other than that it’s none of your business? that’s fine. But she needs to pull her own weight and it includes paying for her kids.
Why is she angry with you for saying that she should pay for the children she brought into this world and that she’s responsible for? Just because somebody gets angry doesn’t make them right.
NTA.
You have all the the responsibility of a parent, but none of the authority. A common tactic deployed by single moms. She expects you to assume parental responsibility, but will throw a revolt if you try to assert any authority.
When paying the bills and feeding the mouths, they are “our kids”….but when it’s time to deploy fatherly discipline, they’re “her kids”.
What stikes me as fucking wild….is that you moved so that SHE can go to college…..and now she’s not in college anymore. So now you moved for nothing.
You are the ATM. Nothing more.
NTA. She can’t expect you to be the provider for her children but not a male role model/parenting figure.
Why are you so fucking stupid to even be with a woman who literally got cummed in and had another man’s kids? 😭 what fucking looser you are.
NTA… but she is. She expects you to help her and her kids but doesn’t want to be your opinion or input. Wow, she has some nerve. So she quit college? What is her long-term plan to provide for these kids? You need to ask her what her goals are in life and how she plans to get there. You shouldn’t be her backup plan or only plan to financially get through.
I had a son when I met my husband. My son was my responsibility, and when we moved in together I was still financially responsible for my son, but because we shared bills, I always respected my husband’s input. I welcomed my husband’s parenting help. We both did a great job raising him. My son loves and respects both of us as parents.
Nope she sounds like she’s very self-centered and selfish and I would do more than ask her to pay the rent I would ask her to move out or I would move out whatever the case may be
YTA for moving in with someone with 2 kids, no income and suddenly waking up and being surprised you’re being taken advantage of.
Hold up…. She had you MOVE states so she could go to college…then she drops out n pays nothin but food costs??? Nahhhh bruh…. 🚩 🚩 🚩 🚩 🚩 🚩
ESH/NTA (can’t really decide) If you’re dating someone and even moving across lines with the person, the intention should be marriage. Which means you should be looking at her kids as your kids. It felt like you were a bit resentful of the situation before this fight even happened. Regardless, you should have a talk with her about your future together. Tell her you thought about what she said and how it really bothers you that you’re expected to contribute like dad but cannot behave like dad. She can’t have it both ways. Beyond that, your response should have been closer to this but honestly I can see why you got mad. It might be that the two of you simply aren’t compatible and have different views of how things should flow in the household. Just because you moved that far together, doesn’t mean you’re stuck. You can break up.
Time for a serious conversation about how to proceed. What level of involvement does she want? Maybe you can speak about behavior (privately) but not have a say in discipline as long as she keeps them with reasonable behavior.
And what’s the plan? You all moved for her to not go to college? What’s the long-term financial plan for either of you? Is this a temporary set back for her? Are you okay with not having equal income with a partner? How will you handle that?
How have you lived together for more than a year with having a serious conversation about roles and expectations? Figure it out for the sake of the kids at least.
She’s using you. Get out while there are no legal obligations.
NTA. Never date a single parent. They’ll only drag you into their mess.
She ducked him over by getting him to leave his job to move closer to her college and THEN screws him by NOT going to said college and THEN not getting a job but expecting him to pay for Everything. She should continue to pursue child support until she gets it. She should get off her lazy butt and Work and Contribute ‼️She is a lazy selfish leach.
NTA. Sounds like she’s using you to get out of paying rent. Boot her out.
Wait, her contribution to your relationship is she’s a stay at home girlfriend? Have you two talked about your plans?
NTA. You are, however, the patsy rube of a selfish con artist. You are not this woman’s boyfriend, you’re her meal ticket. You need to talk to your landlord, and maybe an attorney.
Then run as fast as you can from this gold digger.
Dude, NTA. Sounds like you’re just trying to keep things fair. Living together means splitting expenses, it ain’t charity. You guys gotta have a serious chat about finances ‘n responsibilities. That said, charging for her kids might be a touch harsh. Maybe figure out a better way to divide stuff. Keep it civil, though. GL, man.
You’ve been together for over 2 years, live together and their father is not in the picture so it seems like you are a father figure. This all needs to be worked out with serious conversations, not arguments at dinner. Sooner rather than later
Nta. Shes right, youre not the parent. The parent should be the one to provide for their kids.
NTA, I’m living with my parents after my divorce and I pay them rent. Now granted my mom watches my son while I’m at work. However, my parents don’t want to be taken advantage of since one of their friend’s daughter moved back in with the baby daddy and their infant son.
Either way don’t let this lady and how ever many kids she has drain you dry. She is right OP, you aren’t the parent of these kids so really they aren’t your responsibility. And if you two are still only BF/Gf and she has this mindset it will only get worse if you two do marry. You will be responsible to putting these kids through college.
She needs to contribute more than zero. NTA
You relocated and her kids were part of the deal. This should have been worked out before the move. YTA
NTA. Why can’t the kids pay rent themselves?
Why isn’t she getting child support? NTA, her kids are her responsibility unless you marry her. Red flag lady, maybe bail out.
NTA. Single mothers have the gall to expect men to shoulder financial responsibilities without any familial authority. In other words, pay out and shut up.
The fact that this rears its’ head so often and single mothers cannot fathom why a man would find their attitudes towards step-parenting is mind blowing.
She has shown you who she is. Tell her to go find another chump to subsidize her poor decisions in life.
NTA. What you said was a co n platelet valid statement. If you’re not a real parent, you shouldn’t have to do the things parents do, including financially supporting the kids. If you have no rights, accept no responsibilities.
Why did you think it was smart to house a woman and her children that aren’t yours for free? Is her vagina worth it? Doesn’t sound like she’s a supportive partner.
NTA They are not your kids.
NTA she needs to get a job and pull her weight
Also, as a woman, if you let a man live with your kids, you should trust that man fully, and taking parenting hadvice seems bare minimum unless you’re evil and trying to bring them harm.
Nah bro you are absolutely NOT the asshole.
Homegirl want you providing and paying for her and her kids but she gon sit and say that you ain’t a fuckin parent to them kids? That you ain’t got room to speak on anything because you ain’t the BD?
Nah bro FUUUUUUCCCCKKKKK THAT and fuck her. She using you to pay her way and provide for her kids the way a father should but she don’t want you to actually father them.
I’d send her and her lil crotch goblins on their way IMMEDIATELY. Got me fucked all the way up thinking imma work my ass off, move halfway across the country, find a new job, and provide for the household just to get told to stfu and fuck off cause I ain’t her baby daddy. FOH with all that.
Break that bih off and keep it moving big dawg. Homegirl ain’t ever gon give you the respect as her man to parent and raise them kids. You gon end up a second class citizen in your own fuckin home bro. I’ve seen and heard that shit happen countless times over the years.
Your comments weren’t from a place of not wanting to help raise and support her children. They were coming from being shown a lack of respect. From a place of being told you’re not a parent, I don’t want your input but I’m happy for you to pay for them.
It seems you’ve sacrificed and put more effort into this relationship than she has. You’ve moved for her to go college, you’ve rented a place big enough for her children and you’re paying ALL the bills. What are you getting in return for this?
I think she’s staying because you’re paying for everything. However the situation has changed- she’s no longer in college, so it’s time to have that discussion about expectations. Her getting a better job and what you feel is fair for her to pay. Tell her child support is there for a reason
NTA.
She needs to be paying her share for everything, including her kids. You aren’t anything to them, then a meal ticket.
NTA – There’s four people living in the apartment. She should be paying 75% of the shared bills since her and the two kids make up 3/4 of the people living there. Letting you have a say in parenting is irrelevant. They’re not your kids. I don’t know why you should be financially responsible for them.
Don’t you legally have to pay child support, like the courts will come after you and garnish wages etc?
You are her room mate/bank.
She’s gonna bleed you dry.
So why’d you let her move in, especially with the children? She’s using you.
Hmm if that were me and my BF was paying for everything I would just keep my mouth shut and let him talk
NAH this is just about poor communication. You’ve been together 2.5 years, what’s the end game? Are hoping for marriage? In which case you would be a stepfather. What does that mean and look like? Are you expected to provide financially but have zero say on discipline or parenting matters? What happens if bio dad decides to randomly pop up? What does your role look like then? If you are expected to be a fatherly figure what happens if you break up? Do you move on and never see the kids or do you want to still be a fatherly figure?
Was your comment extreme? Yes. Was it necessary? Yes. You clearly have feelings about the situation. Possibly feelings of being unappreciated, feeling like you’re a financial safety net, AND worry that if you communicate your desire for something more 50/50 you would look like a bad guy. All of this is valid. But it needs to be communicated. If we pretend that the kids were not in the picture, the situation would still be you feeling like your gf isn’t pulling her weight and you’re just her financial support.
You entered into a relationship knowing she had kids. If your end game is marriage that means being responsible for those kids as well. You need to accept that. If you can’t you really shouldn’t be a stepdad.
Nah you are good, either step up marry her and coparent or break up. There is no middle ground here.
If your GF isn’t going to school she needs to get a job and pay for her kids. She also needs to go to court and get a cs order and garnish the dads wages.
Dude man up. If you want her in your life…she comes with kids. That’s the deal. You don’t need to belittle her about money. She dealing with fact that the dad isn’t supporting his kids, now you throwing money back in her face, she’s getting it from both sides. The parental thing? As wrong as it seems, noting you can do about it. I’m in the same boat. Let her deal with them. Now, if you housing, clothing the kids she can feed them. This is why men don’t want to be in a relationship with women with kids. Good luck
If you have “no room giving advice on parenting” then you have no room or reason to be financially supporting her offspring with some other dude.
Also, you moved to another state for her to go to college, and then she just decides not to keep going?? After an interstate move?
Bro, your chick is getting the much better of the relationship!
What are you even doing? You already pay for everything just free yourself and move on.
Time to send her packing. Moved to go to college, now not going to college. Something off. Time to jet
NTA You should have a right to say something about her kids, you should have the right to give her advice. She should be telling you that you’re not a parent, so leave the parents into her. Then if that’s the case she should take care of her own kids and pay her own rent. I don’t give a damn what kind of job you have and what kind of money you make. If you don’t have the right to say something about her kids just as advice. Then she should be paying that $475 for each room or shut her damn mouth.
Yes you’re the asshole. You should be paying all the big bills. Rent, vehicles, etc. She can cover food and fun stuff.
Sounds like she’s mooching off you.
Nta
NTA, she figured out that she could get you to pay her bills if she just kept sucking your dick, it’s time for you to stop letting her mooch off you. Those aren’t even your kids! Lol.
Bro WHY are still in this relationship?!?! She is using you to pay for everything while she doesn’t even have job to provide for her own kids!
ESH – you, for being a doormat, and her for not pulling her weight. She should be paying for at least half of everything, and she should pursue child support from babydaddy.
NTA – Dude, you have a bigger problem than that. You’re funding her entire life at this point (minus some groceries). She’s taking advantage of you. Especially after pushing to move cities for college then dropping out.
I’m a little suspicious of the fact that you’re not telling us what you said to invoke that response from her.
Put the things you immediately need in your car, and drive back to your home town. Don’t say anything, don’t answer the calls. You have put yourself in a situation that is hazardous to your very existence. Leave immediately. Don’t argue the point, make excuses, or concern yourself with her or those kids. You’ve got one life and you don’t get the time back.
NTA she’s taking advantage of you. The children live in your house full time, you have a say in what goes on with the children. There’s no way NoT to parent the children you live with, you prob help feed them, cloth them, bathe them, and do bedtime routine. You are parenting. It’s time she steps up and starts parenting by paying her way.
You may have tanked the delivery but you’re not wrong about her needing to pay more rent.
Sounds like you’re being used
NTA. But only stay in this relationship if you’re okay paying to raise her and her children.
Dude, run.
NTA, why are you paying all the rent on a place that size you only need? Because of the kids, you’re apparently not even allowed to talk to her about.
YTA. You chose to date her and you knew what came with dating her. Should just break up and find a childless woman
She should take the kids father to court and demand the child support the kids need; shelter, food and clothing.
Why didn’t you discuss this BEFORE she moved in?
ESH
NTA.
Nacho kids, Nacho problem.
You shouldn’t be paying more for the space they are taking up
NTA – you are aware that she’s totally using you for money. You’ve got yourself a freeloader. Next she’ll probably get pregnant – to make sure she locks you down. You’re not out of line – you need an intervention.
NTA – Not your kids, not yours to support.
It’s sounds like you put her in her place with your comment. Once she thought about it for a little while she probably realized how good she has it. Or, she resents you now, but isn’t willing to say it.
NTA. You uprooted your life for her and she didn’t even complete the course. She needs to find her own and her kids costs. That’s reasonable. A bare minimum of 50% of bills rent food and all of all cost for kids
If she was living almost free on me, after I moved, had the kids FT, wasn’t getting any help from child support, and she dropped out of school, then had the audacity to tell me I have no say in parenting the kids living in my home, that I’m paying for, I’d have been looking for a place back home the next day. And then moved out, and she could figure out how to pay for her own life. NTA, but you are getting taken advantage of, badly.
I hate to say but I would bail out of the relationship. You are paying for almost everything but you have no ability to have a say in your environment. It won’t get any better because she can’t learn while you pay. Good luck
She’s gaslighted you. She has legal options to seek child support and she needs to pursue them. And find a job.
My ex paid child support but didn’t cover healthcare, which was court ordered. He also refused to help save money for the kids’ college. His family paid for most of his college, but he refused to help at all with his own kids. The child support money went into the joint account of my current husband and myself. We spent a lot more on my kids than we got in child support.
I did advise my current husband to not try to be their father because they might start to resent him. So he was the other adult in the house who gave the kids advice when they asked and discussed any parenting issues with me in private. It all worked out pretty well. My current husband and I are paying parent plus loans we took out for their college. Unfortunately, we’ll likely never be able to retire due to those loans. One of the kids doesn’t have a relationship with us. The other one calls my husband their dad and appreciates everything we’ve both done for them.
These relationships can work out. Sometimes, there are issues like the one kid who distanced themselves. We never know for certain how things will turn out. We can only do so much.
However, having mutual respect and talking things out before joining households can help keep things moving smoothly vs addressing the issues after moving in together. You both need to figure out how you each want your relationship to work. Then, you need to sit down together and see if your expectations are aligned. Hopefully, you can agree on how things will work. Adults should not be committing to a relationship that involves children without having an agreement about how that relationship is going to work. Children need stability and to feel safe. If this relationship doesn’t work and you end up involved with someone with children again, make certain you both have the same vision for your relationship before committing. Too many single parents introduce their children to potential partners when they shouldn’t. Children should be sheltered from their parents romantic endeavors until the adults have all of these things figured out.
Good luck, OP.
NTA. You are the present figure and the one paying financially… that being said, in many states she can go after you for child support if you support her kids so may wanna look into that.
NTA
She isn’t paying rent and her and her children live with you? That is outrageous and absolutely should have been discussed and planned in advance. It has nothing to do with whether or not you’re “parenting” her children. She is their parent and must provide for them.
I don’t know the whole story. But relationships are a bond and a give and take. From the information given it sounds like she’s using you. Again, I don’t have all the info and this is Reddit and everyone jumps to the worst conclusions. I just know if I were you, I would not be happy with the situation.
My grandad used to tell me all the time. son, don’t look a gift horse in the mouth… Was she by chance studying to become a veterinarian dentist?
Damn as a mom of two kids run, no seriously this woman told you don’t parent because your not a parent yet expects you to pay for everything, get out of here with that, yeah i’m sorry but she’s not a keeper, and the fact that she made you move states and then didn’t even go to college, screams of she’s using you. NTA
NTA dude
You hauled ass to a new state for her to go to college and now she’s not even going to college anymore…? And she’s content to make just enough to cover groceries basically…? INFO: Was she like this before she talked you into moving states?
Well, is she worth it? I mean, having her and her kids in your life? If you and she can’t have a conversation without her taking offense and you shooting back with her needing to step up financially and pay rent for her kids, then it’s all up to how you view her. A GF with kids or a freeloading single mom who isn’t contributing equally to the relationship.
How on earth is the father not paying child support? Most states now he’d lose his driver’s license. She needs to talk with her divorce lawyer. Something doesn’t make any sense here.
NTA and something is seriously wrong with her situation. I’m speaking as a father that paid my ex child support for a long time.
Yta to yourself for letting her use you as a cash cow.. she is a userloser and you are letting her unfortunately. Time to cut your losses those kids arent your problem or your responsibility. I am a mom with a deadbeat ex.
This is a fake rage bait post.
NTA: for someone who doesn’t want you to parent her kids, she’s awfully eager to use YOUR hard earned money to support them.
Might want to consider that when you date again, if you decide to kick her to the curb.
i say NTA i have two kids my man pays the bills and i buy all groceries and household stuff and my kids are boys and they all eat a lot my man always gets final say in anything and i as well don’t get child support i also pay if we go out to eat mostly as well but she sounds very ungrateful
By allowing you to pay for anything to do with her kids (beyond a gift or some fun treats), she is putting you in a parental role.
She either needs to pay for 4/5 of everything (her and her 2 kids) or she needs to move tf out because she is ABSOLUTELY using you. Not saying she doesn’t love you, but you’ve let her get WAY too comfortable. She needs to be UNcomfortable for a while.
As an adult, she needs to pull her own weight. This is a lesson she should be teaching her kids so they’re set up for success. They’ll grow up entitled af at this rate.
How do y’all get to that age and still struggle with relationships 😭 too damn old to be playing highschool games and you enable it😭 man if you don’t break up with her this is literally the plot for golddigger the song. A deadbeat father that she had MULTIPLE children with. He obviously wasn’t that deadbeat if she still laid up with him and had more of his children. That’s the type of partner you want? Lmfao yikes!
NTA
Not only is she mooching off of you but I also absolutely hate when the non-parent partner is told not to parent. You have lived together for over a year, if she didn’t want you to parent she should’ve stayed living separately.
You are the boyfriend and not her kids dad.
They are not your responsibility.
How are you guys gonna gest past that when she dont allow you to parent her kids? Is this the kind of life and partner you want for yourself?
Guys stop dating single moms FFS.
NTA – Not exactly sure how this relationship is going to work if there are a bunch of kids living there but you’re not allowed to parent.