My (25F) girlfriend Amy (27F) is a wonderful person. She’s very smart, she works in a clean room with computer chips and stuff. But she’s also something of a germaphobe. To the point that she keeps her tooth brush in the hallway outside the bathroom in a zip locked bag. Her apartment is always spotless, she showers twice-thrice a day, even her car somehow never has any dirt on the floor. She hand washes all of her clothes as soon as she’s done wearing them. It’s both impressive and intimidating.
I’m not the messiest person on the planet by any means, I don’t have massive piles of unwashed dishes or a leaning tower of used pizza boxes or anything, but I’m not as clean as she is. I’m not against making some adjustments, but we’ve been talking more about the future now that we’re getting serious and I’ve come across a problem.
Amy wants kids. Desperately, wants kids. I’d like kids too. But she’s never been around babies or little kids before in her life and seems to think she’ll be able to keep the house just as clean as it is now and keep the baby spotless too.
I’m the oldest of four, and the oldest cousin of nine. I grew up around kids, I’ve been baby sitting since I was ten. There’s no such thing as a clean toddler, not for longer than ten minutes at the very most. She thinks if we just work at it, we have a spotless house and a spotless kid.
I told her (gently) that that’s just not possible, and asked how she plans on handling diapers, vomit, frogs smuggled into the house, jam going everywhere, soup bowls tipped over for fun, spilled grape juice, nail polish on the walls and the like. She insisted that the kids who do that are just ‘poorly trained’ and don’t have good boundaries.
I told her that they’re kids without fine motor control or impulse regulation, and accidents will always happen. And if she wants to have kids she’s going to have to accept that they’re going to get messy and our house will get messy.
Amy accused me of not being supportive and trying to find excuses not to have kids with her and trying to guilt her into being sloppier. This is dissolving into an actual fight instead of a discussion and I’m starting to second guess myself. Maybe my family was just excessively messy because we were rural and poor, maybe my standards are too low and we really haven’t tried hard enough. It’s very frustrating and I want some outside perspective. Parental perspective especially.
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“keep the baby spotless”, sorry what? Your gf needs a hairless cat, not a baby. NTAH
Listen, REALLY LISTEN. Then: be polite but firm about how you feel. If you want kids with her, tell her this and also tell her why you’re trying to warn her about what seems to be a difference in parenting styles.
Dad of two here, you’re NTA and you’re right.
Messes are inevitable with kids. You can’t “work at” getting a newborn to not spit up, or not pee during a diaper change. You Potty training exists, of course, but you’re gonna be dealing with so many accidents. So many late-night sheet changes.
You’ll find food on your kids in the weirdest, most random places.
She needs to lower her expectations or she’s going to be horribly disappointed.
NTA, she doesn’t understand reality. Control is a illusion and children need to be taught. You can’t simply reason with or set immediately accepted boundaries with a toddler. Is she neuro spicey? She clearly has OCD. You are right and she needs to come to terms with this (in therapy) before having kids.
Daycare worker here: kids are messy. Even if there are no liquids or foods around, kids will throw toys around, they will bite and chew up the toys and then spread the wet disgusting bits and pieces around the room. Toilet paper, paper towels, diapers, pots and pans, silverware, shampoo conditioner and body wash. Literally EVERYTHING in your house becomes a toy and goes in the mouth. Everything. Even the oven.
I have a similar issue for when I have kids. I hate hate hate hate HATE being interrupted. I cannot stand that shit from a fully grown adult. But I’ve worked with kids long enough to understand that they dont have that awareness. Youre talking, theyre thinking about the bright light behind your shoulder or the speck of dust on the floor. Kids are great but theyre also really shitty (pun intended).
Edit to add: most infants are referred to as “mouth explorers”. Thats how they figure out how things feel and taste and smell and idru why but its a thing. Everything will go in their mouths, which spreads germs. Also, handfuls of dirt will be shoved in the mouth and into the clothes/pockets if there are any.
NTA she has no clue at all. She thinks she’ll just command little kids to be nice and clean… Has she meet a toddler? Because they can and will do the fuck they want and will do it in the most fuck you way just to spite you.
Info: Has anyone actually spoke to her about the germaphobe side of things properly outside the context of having children… As in has she looked into getting help medically/psychologically? As the level of germaphobe behaviour you’ve outlined is on the more extreme end.
As someone with toddlers, your point is valid. No matter how well-trained, kids will spill, smear, and break things because that’s just part of learning and growing. If she can’t accept that reality, it’s going to cause a lot of stress for both of you.
Just when you think you’ve cleaned up all the poop and mess you find a casual pile of vom behind a pillow.
NTA. Her obsession with cleanliness, while necessary at work, is unhealthy outside of work. Showering 2-3 times a day is actually BAD for her skin. I’m going to say this crosses into a mental health issue and she should get therapy for that. Because this is going to end up causing problems in every aspect of her life.
NTA – sounds like Amy may actually need some mental health counseling. Not to play Reddit psychologist but this seems a little beyond being a “neat freak”.
And youre right. Kids are little gross whirlwinds of dirt and germs.
INFO:
-Is Amy being treated for OCD or similar? Does she acknowledge her behavior is … extreme in any way?
-Not related to the AITA verdict, but why does she hand-wash her clothes?!
Have her practice by babysitting a toddler for a few hours.
Amy needs some therapy.
NTA
Mom of two here. One time when my oldest was a baby around 12 months old she had a bad diaper rash so after she pooped, I put her in her crib diaper free for her nap (the air helps with rashes). Well guess what? She pooped and smeared it all over her crib and self lol Thank god dad was home to help with that one as it was a code brown emergency haha
Kids are very messy and it can be downright gross at times. It’s not for the faint of heart I tell you lol She has very unrealistic views about it and I’m not sure how you can reach her, other than get her exposed to some babies and toddlers so she can see it first hand.
NTA. Her expectations are unreal. I really worry about the kids vs her. Attempting to have anyone meet her standards would be painful for that person. Doing it to kids would be torturous, cruel and lead them straight to the psychiatrist’s office.
You are a cousin of 9. One of them must have a baby. Ask to baby site for a weekend. Then she will see
She will not make a good mother. That child will live in fear of doing anything wrong.
Sounds like you have a big family. Any kids you two can babysit for sometime so she can experience having kids around?
NTA. For her it’s therapy first, kids second.
Do not have kids with her she will abuse them. She is a walking red flag.
She’s in for a rude awakening. 😂
NTA. You are absolutely correct, coming from a mom of 3. And my kids are great. But messes are unavoidable. do your siblings have any children you could babysit for an hour or two sometime? That could potentially open up her eyes to the reality!
Old parent of two- you’re being absolutely realistic. There will of course be mess- and more importantly, if she tries to instill this perfect spotless life onto a child, that child is going to end up with real mental issues around dirt and hygiene. NTA
NTA. Maybe she needs to do some light babysitting (with perhaps a bit of oversight to begin with) so she can see just how unrealistic her expectations are.
Also, she might want to think about just how messy giving birth is gonna be. Sterile facilities are one thing, but at a certain point she’s going to have to deal with her own bodily functions and other things that might give her the ick. Is she going to be able to shower three times in 24 hours during what might possibly be a long labour? What about dealing with a c-section, and having to deal with wound care? And what about breastfeeding or the baby vomiting, or changing diapers?
My niece had a habit of just chucking food away. On the floor usually. Watermelon, pasta, yogurt, ice cream… good luck “training” a baby that can’t understand words.
Get her some real life experiences and watch the fog fall from her eyes. Make sure she does it when she’s tired too, so she knows she can’t just do cleaning and sleeping and ‘training’ all at the same time.
A messy kid is a happy kid.
She’ll set those kids up for an unhappy existence once they hit school and their friends are playing in muddy puddles or getting paint in their hair.
She has very unrealistic expectations. I’ve not had a spotless house in 18 years!!
For some reason my mother decided that my youngest sibling had to be uber cleaned all the time. Guess who was always the sickest? And to this day is always the first to get whatever goes around.
No point in explaining. This is something she will learn through parenting. As a side note, it is kind of fun watching the super clean, anal person have kids. lol…seriously, let the kids show her how it is done. I remember this one friend being frustrated with me. I was pregnant with my 4th and she was having her first. She came to my house and it was not perfect. Well, not by her standards anyway. Years later, after she had four boys, she clearly understood. But it was nothing I could explain to her.
She’s living in a dream if she thinks kids won’t be messy. Being clean is one thing but she sounds like she has OCD. I grew up in a house where my father had it, the messes we made drove him crazy. She needs to get help.
NTA. My husband said he didn’t want any sticky fingers or stuff on the walls getting on anything outside of the kitchen. I just laughed. He thinks our toddler has never drawn in the wall, but apparently never noticed the Mr. Clean Maguc Erasers in the cabinet.
NTA. Maybe you should take her to visit some family member or friends that have small children so she can see what they’re really like. Children and not small adults. You can tell them not to do something all day long, but babies are gonna do that sh*t anyways.
Many years ago (I’m old) our tv had a little flip down door with some dials behind it for adjusting the picture. My 4 year old son pulled the door off. I put it back and told him not to do that again. He kept doing it. The 3rd time I said “you were told to leave that alone”. He said he didn’t do it. I said “your sister is taking a nap, daddy is at work, I was in the kitchen, you are here in front of the tv so you must have done it.” He said, “I didn’t see myself do it.” It was so hard not to laugh at that. But just goes to show that small children have difficulty with impulse control.
OP, do not have kids with Amy
It’s unfair to this child to be brought into this situation where he/she won’t be allowed to be a kid. Mommy will take her condition out on this poor kid, causing trauma….when the kid is older, he or she won’t be able to have normal play dates….maybe Mommy will insist on going where she doesn’t belong to make sure the kid doesn’t get dirty…I could go on and on
NTA, also, lots of people here are worried for said future kids. Those are great points of view. I, however, am worried for OP. She’s going to expect him to adopt her habits and methods, and it won’t ever be enough.
Kids who grow up in an ultra clean home have higher risk of developing asthma. She has to change the way she does things before she’s ready to have a kid. It sounds like she has a phobia about dirt and might have chosen her career because of it. She needs to see a professional to get over it because kids are dirty.
Amy had some form of ocd and should not be getting kids.
NTA
NTA. What does she expect? A baby to poop on commend. Since you also want kids I’d be rethinking this relationship.
As for her post you mentioned. Did she anything about babies/toddlers or just general hygiene?
Your girl 100% has OCD & numbers are 1 part of a whole mental illness. Shes a detriment to herself, you, future children, everything, until she can address that. That’s like saying you cant have cancer without a tumor. Like wtf? Shes looking for reasons to not fix her behavior.
I had a cousin who had an ongoing joke with my sister about how toddlers would mysteriously become sticky even with no outside influence. That is what popped into my mind when you said she is like “we just have to try a little”. The other thing that popped into my mind is a poor child who is trying to learn about their world being stuck in very “clean” environments or getting in trouble for “making a mess with toyes” or just not being allowed to explore their environment. She could end up forcing a child to be neurotic due to constant helicoptering while trying to enforce a level of clean that is not typical.
I remember one day I was doing laundry and my toddler was playing in their room and I heard them running around but nothing that set off alarm bells. Well I go to check what they were up to and they had gotten a bottle of lotion and dumped it on the carpet and started rubbing it up the wall. I freaked and cleaned up as much as I could and while throwing those towels into the washer I hear little feet again but apparently I was hearing the return trip because when I got to their room they had grabbed an open bag of sugar from the kitchen and, upon my entry, were dumping its contents into the area the lotion was just in…… it was not a good day and yes they had already gotten in trouble for the lotion part.
Edit: take her to see a counselor (can be a relationship counselor) and have a professional tell her the expectation is too high
The fact that she said children that are messy are “poorly trained” is quite disturbing. It makes me think she’ll be controlling and abusive as a mom if she only sees the kid as someone that needs to be “trained.” My dad treated me like a project that needed to be broken and trained to be the perfect human. I didn’t meet his standards, ever, and now we don’t have a relationship. I’ve left channels open for him to reach out if he actually cared, but he hasn’t since asking if I changed my number. I have PTSD because of him, as well as from traumas that are directly linked to how he treated me growing up.
There’s a chance that her maternal instincts would kick in and change her perspective to a less harmful one. But idk if I’d ever chance it. NTA, but I think it would be wise to go to therapy together and individually. If she’s not willing, I’d break up and find someone else. Because if she’s desperate about having kids, she might try to sabotage any birth control methods and force the situation.
NTA. Honestly she doesn’t seem to have issues as far as the cleanliness. The toothbrush thing is 100% understandable, and it sounds like a lot of it is attributable to her job. If she truly works in a clean room then I’m assuming a lot of the clothing related issues are due to work requirements and habits. When you are trained not to wear things twice or bring outside clothing in, that’s just what happens. Speaking as someone who worked in healthcare and labs.
However, you are right about kids being germy, dirty messes. I think the best thing you could do is find a friend who has a younger child and invite them over for a week long visit or something. Tell her it’s a test run for both of you and suggest for her to consider babysitting over the weekend so your friends can have some baby free time. That might help her adjust expectations.
NTA
You’re not wrong. Your family wasn’t “poor”
My family isn’t the richest but we aren’t by any means poor and I would consider well off. My house does NOT stay clean. My kids change through 2 outfits on a GOOD day.
Good lord if you have a night where you eat spaghetti with a 1 yr old (it gets everywhere)
Your girlfriend is delusional that she thinks she can keep a baby clean. Not every baby is the same but they definitely aren’t necessarily clean.
The spit up /vomit (on worse occasions) because they don’t have the muscular valve developed in their throat yet. So their throat is just an open tube basically.
Honestly though baby poop is probably the “cleanest” poop you’ll deal with because they don’t eat food. Once you include food? Whole different game.
And no, you will not get to keep the house as clean. Even with two of you, formula or breastfed both, the LACK OF SLEEP you will have in the beginning is enough to drive people mad. The baby stage is theoretically the easiest, you can pay to have your house regularly cleaned – you can ask family to help, but that doesn’t always happen.
Not to mention risks of GF developing post partum depression or anxiety or rage (I’d honestly be worried about your GF getting Anxiety or Rage if she can’t keep her house as clean as she wants and I’d be concerned. Not every women gets it, but women with any mental health conditions are automatically at higher risk fyi)
I will not assume your wife has any mental health conditions – but honestly her behavior sounds almost OCD. And if not OCD and just a little compulsory in sense of she has to be in a clean state or she gets anxious? I think she needs some therapy on why she needs things STERILE
I may be an AH suggesting this but I’d prove a point to your GF and move something out of place. Not even cause dirt, just … clutter an area up. See how she reacts. Because kids? They will clutter and get into everything
NTA. She needs therapy. Clearly she has mental health issues and they are extreme. Its also possible you’re incompatible based on your reality of the situation and your differences. If she keeps living in this bubble you could very well end up raising the baby alone because it’s not what she expected.
Tell her kids broke Marie Kondo
My sister was like that she changed her baby’s clothes I don’t know how many times a day. Washed her & wiped her so much poor kid was never allowed outside. My mum would look after her regularly but had to be at sisters house. When I was older I used to help out, took her out for walks & she came back filthy but much happier. My sister had a 2nd child & was not so bad. It is hard if the mother is ocd germaphobe imho children need to get dirty then their immune systems can fend off germs. B4 u have children sit down & talk to her about it and find out her thoughts properly.
NTA, she has no idea what she is getting herself into. i hope she gets the chance to babysit for a bit before she has her own kids, because omfg
NTA. Mom/stepmom/caregiver of 9, so far. I have diagnosed OCD. Kids are messy. I’ve had to let go some things and just accept it. I keep my personal spaces organized and clean – my side of our bedroom and my primary bathroom. I have made sure to teach my kids how to clean. But I don’t want to give them my issues. They deserve to feel comfortable in our home. We also all deserve to have a clean home. So my compromise is clean but lived in. I can handle that. I also don’t freak out if a sippy cup leaks or fingerprints are on the fridge. It can be easily cleaned up. I make messes too and it’s ok. But one thing I’m pretty adamant about is shoes not on the carpet, no food or uncovered drinks in the kids bedrooms, and no outside clothes on your bed. Oh and hands washed before eating, after using the restroom, taking out the trash, and cleaning the litter box. I feel like those aren’t my OCD but just smart, common sense things.
Nta mom of two and I used to have a spotless house then I had my first and my house has never been the same lol she needs to understand you can’t just “train” a child to not make messes it’s just what they do.
That’s OCD pal
NTA
Got any friends or family that would be happy to let you babysit for a weekend? She’ll learn quickly how absurd her thought process is.
How does she react to anything out of place? Does it cause her significant amounts of anxiety that she would benefit from professional support for? If so it might be a good idea for her to start working with a pro if her end goal is to raise children.
Most people have unrealistic ideas about what kind of parents they’ll be. Then they actually have them and adapt to reality. If you have real concerns about her ability to be a parent, you should break up. NAH
I think her level of clean is a problem. This is not normal.
Also the comment about dirty children being poorly trained worries me. If she thinks she can train children out of normal child behaviour, I think she may end up abusing the kids. How would she react to a kid drawing on the walls? Walking in with dirt on their shoes. Leaving their toys out? If she tries to train them out of all messy behaviour thats a lot of training, and I would pitty the kids if she does it.
Imagine a 3 year old too afraid of making a mess to play. That is just sad.
NTA Your GF’s view of kids is unrealistic to say the least.
NTA. My mom was like this to an extent. We looked shiny and clean and our house looked like a show home. I had to have my clothes just right and my shoes unscuffed and my room looking perfect. The illusion was more important than our lived reality. I grew up terrified of getting dirty, and feel deep shame even now when my house is not perfect. Do not intentionally put a child in this position. They have to come first, they have to be allowed to get messy and make mistakes and play outside and not have to pretend to be a doll you just Lysoled.
Edit: Also, as someone with OCD, yeah, there are some things I recognize here. She needs help, even if she isn’t aware
NAH. Neither of you means any harm here. I would recommend dropping the subject with her. Speaking as a parent, no one really understands the realities of being a parent until they become one. Myself and most of my friends had all sorts of grand illusions about how we would be able to control things once the LO arrived. On arrival all those illusions went right out the window and we all figured out, with greater or lesser degrees of stress, how to cope with the very unpredictable, very messy reality of babies, toddlers and beyond. Your gf will too. Let her alone with her illusions for now. Good luck.
NTA. And don’t have kids with her unless she accepts that kids are kids and are messy. If she doesn’t and has a kid I fear she would traumatize them with her crazy standards of cleanliness. That child will be in therapy for years when she’s done with them.
Your girlfriend has a mental health condition, likely OCD and she desperately needs to address that before ever having kids because that is not a healthy way for kids to grow up, it would actually be abusive.
Exposure to background pathogens actually strengthens the immune system.
Nta. Do not have children with her unless she gets therapy first, and not a little therapy but years of therapy. She will resent you and worse, the child. Those are unreasonable expectations. At best she’ll make the child neurotic, worse case you’ll be a single dad. Just imagine how she will react the first time her toddler g gets a cold and starts playing with it’s mucus? Or if you have a little boy and he starts taking off his diaper to pee in random places as little boys are known to do.
You guys DESPERATELY need to borrow a baby for a day, preferably longer. And let her handle ALL the diapers, boogers, jam hands, spit, vomit, etc. Because there will be days that she does need to do that and you both need to know if she can handle it. Otherwise she’s going to have a meltdown and both her and the child will suffer.
Reframe: possibly she has something diagnosable like OCD. You could try encouraging her to get assessed for that. You’d want both of you to get diagnosed and treated for any serious health issues before having kids, as you wouldn’t want that to impact the kids.
Do not have children with this woman. Or at least, not until she has some major therapy to do with her issues, and she has spent several years babysitting children, volunteering in a preschool, etc., etc., and has gone to child development classes, and parenting classes. As it stands right now, her issues would make her a terrible parent. And those children would suffer.
As an aunt to 9 kids I find your girlfriend’s expectations hilarious. (They’re all siblings with the youngest two being babies) Babies and toddlers can be messy. You can’t train them not to as they really don’t know any better. They’re just little people learning day by day. Your girlfriend is living in lalaland. NTAH
Lol, wut??
I have 2. That’s….. just not going to happen. She will be a neurotic mess and so will whatever kids she has.
Oh, God. Just imagine those poor little guys if they dare to get a little dirty or spill something!
NTA. You need to seriously reconsider this relationship. Your girlfriend is steamrolling you and not listening to logic, now imagine if you did have children together. Are you willing to be steamrolled when it comes to the safety of said hypothetical children? Say she developed PPD, are you willing to stand by and watch as her mental health spirals and she takes it out on a “dirty” baby? Please for the love of God reevaluate this relationship and the goals you have with her.
NAH. Sounds like she’s just feeling little defensive. And I wouldn’t be surprised if she was a little triggered by the conversation, given her level of cleanliness may be tied to anxiety management.
The problem is that there’s good odds the future version of her that is sleep deprived, stressed, and overextended is going to hold these standards against you and the children when it’s inevitably messy. You don’t do enough, the kids are out of control, etc. That shit damages relationships and hurts children who are just being themselves.
That said, there’s also every chance she’ll struggle at first and eventually give in to reality, like many people do when they have kids.
Really the hard part will be healthily managing the inevitable distress headed her way. Might be worth starting couples’ counseling or individual therapy before having kids so y’all have an established safe place when you do eventually have kids.
I’m sorry but this relationship is doomed. She has extreme OCD and that’s challenging enough, but she’s living in cloud cuckoo land if she things kids are going to be spotless and it’s only bad training that makes them dirty. They aren’t pets, you can’t train them to bounce on command and lock them outside when you want a clean house. Babies are messy. Toddlers are messy. Heck even teens are messy. If you have a baby with this woman you are dooming any offspring to a life of abject misery and punishment for the slightest infraction.
I’d end it myself. That kind of baby rabies coupled with the OCD means there is a good chance she’ll sabotage any birth control for a “whoops” baby. She would be a terrible mother, and to be honest, once you take the next step and move in together she’ll make your life a living hell. I saw it with my uncle. His wife developed OCD and her house is immaculate. The problem is it’s too immaculate. My uncle is only allowed to sit in the kitchen and sleep in the bedroom. When he uses the bathroom she spends an hour or more deep cleaning it. He has no life and spends most of his time at work to keep out of her way.
My friend got phobia of sick , like it effort her daily life . She want her own baby .
First thing she done was start therapy for it .
Kids are gross and messy . Even if you got calm one who happiy seat and colour . That still create mess as they learning every day .
You can’t impact baby to be able to do things adult do without creating mess .
She needs to volunteer at a day care,
Yeah, does she know about exploding diapers? Because it’s real.
NTA
This woman is NOT ready for kids. If you have them with her you will be TA because she will not treat them well.
It sounds like her kids will be mentally abused into adulthood and will need therapy.
Big ol’ red flag there.
She’s quite literally delusional about the realities of children. NTA. She needs to go spend some time with toddlers and gain some messy, sticky and covered in crusty handprints perspective on children
Children are not a right. They’re also not owed to anyone. Your gf needs to realize that she shouldn’t have children. The kid would be absolutely miserable with a mother that thinks they are just little trainable drones. She’s delusional and there are too many delusional people with kids already.
NTA
Just borrow some kids and show her
Or rocks in their pockets 😂 and sometimes you even find food inside their short pockets, especially with boys lol. Give her a trial run, babysit someones kid and see how she handles that.
Poor, sweet niave little Amy needs to volunteer at a daycare. She needs a reality check.
NTA
List of things I’ve seen my stepkids (6 and 3) do in the last week:
Of course we ask them not to do these things and explain germs etc but they’re kids.
They’re actually really great kids who do their best, but
She needs to be realistic, she cannot expect those standards with a child and will make herself and/or the kid miserable if she tries. If considering lowering her standards makes her feel anxious she should absolutely see someone about it.
Kids pee, poo, throw up, booger things, make messes, dump their cereal on the dog, leave their toys everywhere… and all before noon. yeah.. you are absolutely correct to be saying this.
NTA. You can’t “train” children like they are dogs. Toddlers especially are walking biohazards at the best of times.
I dated someone in HS who was raised by a mother that demanded an absolutely pristine environment at all times. As children, they (my bf and his 2 siblings) were force to wear white exclusively so that she could monitor their state of cleanliness at all times, and I’m sure there were other parameters that they had to adhere to. Simply, they were not allowed to get dirty. As adults, they were some of the most neurotic people I’d ever met, manifested by drug use, violence, unsustainable relationships and neurotic behaviors. Your GF needs counseling, a proper diagnosis and possibly, anti-anxiety meds.
Kids are straight up gross. I love mine, but she’s a nasty little thing. You’re NTA, you’re realistic.
NTA think you’re heading towards a lifetime of stress if you stay with her.
NTA and this maybe a dumb suggestion, but do any of your friends have kids that the two of you can babysit so she can see what it’s like to be around kids?
She sounds like she may have OCD, has this been considered?
Just something to keep in mind-kids deserve to be able to play outside and do things like jump in mudpuddles, for example. It doesn’t sound as if she would put up with that. I grew up outdoors…climbing trees, catching frogs, riding horses etc etc…now, as a 62 year old woman with multiple co morbidities, I rarely get sick. I haven’t had so much as a cold since long before covid, with the exception of one a few months ago. Speaking of covid, I work in a hospital exposed to covid almost every single day (direct patient contact). I am unable to be vaccinated, yet I never got sick. The antibody test showed that, apparently, I did have covid sometime during 2022, but you could’ve fooled me because I never had so much as a sniffle. I’m telling you all this to say that my childhood gave me a fantastic immune system because I was ALWAYS outside playing in the dirt, in the horse pastures, wading in streams and ponds to catch frogs…I was probably exposed to just about everything haha
Nta and I fear for your future children. Children not allowed to get dirty is a massive issue and if they start to fear that, it could have implications for their own mental health and how they grow into functioning adults.
You’re going to have kids who are afraid of doing anything because they might get dirty. They’ll be afraid to explore, afraid of doing things the “wrong” way. It’ll start with being afraid of upsetting mom and then it’ll become ingrained and they’ll be just like her. And they won’t be happy people.
There is an episode of Bluey where the kids play in the mud and their neighbor can’t because her fur is too hard to clean (they’re all dogs) and in the end the mom realized her daughter was missing out so her mom cut her own fur to make her daughter feel comfortable cutting her fur short so the girl could play in the mud.
I think you should try watching that episode with your girlfriend and see how she feels about it.
The life your girlfriend wants for a child is intensely unhealthy and against natural development for children. Do NOT have children with her.
Messy play is an important part of development. Kids need to get messy. They need to be allowed to make messes.
Also the amount kids play with poo. I’ve been told by many specialists it’s a normal stage of development for kids to get curious about poo and play with it. Smear it. I’ve heard stories of it being shoved in a VCR. I have scrubbed poo off many things.
older brother of 5 NTA you’re 100% right
Take her for a visit to a nursery
sorry but if your gf has the audacity to call kids who make a mess ‘poorly trained’ she’s probably not the right person to have kids right now….
NTA man. Father of one adorable baby girl who is very clever and not at all fussy. But boy does she know how to make a mess of anything lol Kids are just messy and guess what? Parents who are overly strict with kids on being clean? Yeah that never really goes well and there is always some sorta resentment built. Not healthy.
Your girlfriend sounds like my mother. Growing up she would go mental if I made a mess. My gran (dads mum) felt sorry for me because of the screaming if I made a mess on the high chair. The older I got the messier I became just to get on her nerves
Kids are disgusting. Like, so gross if I actually stop and let myself acknowledge how gross they are I feel revolted and queasy.
There’s a reason people who work jobs with young children get sick a lot.
Definitely agree with the commentor who said to babysit so she can see for herself.
Your girlfriend’s spotless house requirement is really going to need some adjustment. An infant/toddler needs the freedom to explore the environment, develop gross and fine motor control, learn cause and effect, understand gravity and object permanence, etc. This exploration WILL involve lots of movement, flinging things around,
stacking/breaking/hiding stuff, and generally disrupting the aesthetics of the home, but it must be allowed and even encouraged because this is how the infant brain develops.
As a tidy person myself, I tried to keep the NUMBER of toys in control, and mede sure there were several designated and relatively contained play areas (like play kitchen, train table, dress-up cabinet). In every other space in the house there were shelves and baskets where the toys that had become scattered everywhere could be tossed in like 15 seconds. The living room, for instance, could go from wrecked to presentable in like 2 minutes.
And walls WILL get smudged, rugs will get stained, food items will desiccate in the couch cushions, no matter how careful you are. You just have to let some things go and understand that you can paint and replace rugs and upgrade furniture later. Your kids are more important than a spotless home.
NTA. I don’t know how she thinks she’s going to handle having kids.
“But she’s also something of a germaphobe. To the point that she keeps her tooth brush in the hallway outside the bathroom in a zip locked bag.”
NTA. I think your GF needs to babysit before considering kids.
And just curious; how was she as a baby/todler? Has she asked her family? Because if she hears she was messy… People mostly deny being not well-behaved 😉
I was video chatting with my brother and holding my infant son in my arms, who chose that moment to spit up, the majority of which I calmly caught in my hand. My childless brother immediately replied, “and that’s why I could never have kids.” We laughed, and I cleaned up.
Kids are messy. Parents should expect to be peed on, pooped on, and vomited on. It will happen, maybe in the same day. And the shoulders of every parent will sport snot or drool or food smears most days for the first 2-3 years of the kids life. Because you care more about caring for your child than you care about your clothes. It is just part of being a parent. Anyone who can’t deal with that, should not have children. Full stop.