I never thought that in my 28 years of life, I would ever be consulting strangers on the internet for a situation involving fecal matter being caked to my girlfriend’s anus, but here we are.
I have been in a relationship with my girlfriend (27f) for nine months. And everything between us is genuinely fine. We have the same interests, work in the same field, and tend to live life at the same pace. Even when we travel, we spend half the time at the hotel cooling down from sightseeing, and much of the other time just relaxing in restaurants, bars, or cafes.
The issue is hygiene. My girlfriend does not wipe properly. I understand that when mud butt hits, it can be awkward, and I’ve jumped in the shower after a bowel movement because I didn’t want to tear myself open scrubbing out a proverbial oil stain with two full rolls of toilet paper. But she seems to take a different approach: if she doesn’t get it in the first wipe, she’ll shrug and leave it.
Before you ask, no, she has not had a single UTI since we’ve gotten together. I’m honestly convinced that her immune system would fight rabies off in an afternoon, because it obviously does not fuck around with unwelcome pathogens.
The worst part about this is sex. It smells. Whenever I flip her over for doggy style, I’m flipping a coin to either get the most beautiful view I’ve ever seen, or a mosaic of white speckles on a light brown canvas. I’ve had to put a nearby towel over my mouth and close my eyes before.
Last night, I was upfront and honest. We were about to have sex, and I told her we should take a shower. She said that she didn’t want to. I then strongly hinted at it, saying we hadn’t had one since the morning, which was a lie, as I took one after work. Again, she said it wasn’t necessary.
Then I was upfront. I told her that sometimes, her hygiene back there isn’t the best. I was very careful with how I said it, because I didn’t want to hurt her feelings, but she told me to “grow the fuck up,” left the room, and slept elsewhere.
It has been a full day, and she’s still obviously mad at me. I know this isn’t as serious as a lot of the other situations posted here, but was I the asshole here? Should I have handled it differently?
Comments
Seriously? Right in front of my dinner?
I think there was a better time for it. Like early in the relationship, or at least not as you’re about to have sex.
NTA though.
NTA. If your partner’s hygiene is making sex uncomfortable or unappealing, you absolutely have a right to bring it up. That’s not immaturity, that’s self-respect
Wow what a terrible day to know how to read. Hard NTA
Absolutely NTA – as someone who is ULTRA sensitive to smells, IMO
It’s never okay for someone to have to gag themselves for the deed. Be an adult. Have a conversation. It’s not about being an asshole or not. You would be the asshole if you continue to avoid major issues in the relationship. Hygiene is important, talk about it in a non shaming open way.
NTAH. Since your girlfriend refuses to wash, you should show her what’s bothering you. Stop washing yourself too and the next time you’re intimate, let the dirt on your body do its job.
You brought it up at the worst possible time. Interrupting the moment to tell her to clean first, especially because of this now makes her self conscious and feeling like shit(no pun intended). This was bring up at the right time chat to be caring and open, and now good luck talking again about it. I’m sorry man, you were trying to be nice but messed up the timing. Hope it works out
Yikes NTA
If I was in her shoes I would be embarrassed and horrified.
You’re never the asshole for not wanting to be intimate with someone with awful hygiene. Especially when we’re talking backdoor hygiene…. 🤮🤮🤮
NTA! This is a 100% deal breaker for me. Hygiene is non-negotiable and there is no way I can be intimate in any capacity with the lack of.
Gross
how are you going to get mad at that lmfao,
break up with her stank ass 😂
NTA… it had to be said. Just like broccoli in the teeth, you’d wanna know.
She’s probably just embarrassed. I recommend getting flushable wet wipes.
NAH
She may not realize how bad it is. Some of us were blessed with a terrible sense of smell so that cue is off. And much gyrations are required for me to get a view of the actual location.
And of course any person would be mortified (well I would be) and feelings are hurt which takes a while to recover from. Hopefully you can smooth this out somehow
These things are awkward and hard.
Get a bidet attachment for your toilet ? Those clean ya real good!
The fact that there are posts like this boggles the mind.
The trash took herself out. Good lord, let her stay out! She is disgusting.
nah… nah… JUST NO… i mean… 27 year old and cant take care of herself properly??? NAH
Well I mean it sounds like she’s clearly the dirty AH and therefore you’re NTA.
Good luck on your quest to get some good hygienic sex, hope the rest of it is worth the inconvenience!
Buy a bidet and tell her not using it is a deal breaker for you (it should be).
If someone’s hygiene is bad enough to be visible and smellable, they don’t get to call you immature for not ignoring it.
NTA – If her hygiene is okay other than her ass, you can get a bidet attachment for like $35 bucks. So much more effective than toilet paper and much faster than a shower.
Good lord. I thought it was only American men who weren’t brought up properly… based mostly on the skid marks comments. I thought women had to be more careful if they didn’t want a life of miserable infections. Dude, I just couldn’t. This seems unlikely to be true. If she was this bad you’d have run screaming by now.
H-how do these people exist???
Wow. What a crappy situation to be in. NTA – she needs to wash hers!
I would break up with them. Nta
Definitely not the asshole, you tried to be discreet by asking to shower together first but she didn’t get the hint. Which on its own is a bit of a red flag depending on how important hygiene is to you. If she’s not willing to change her lax hygiene habits, Are baby wipes a possibility here?
I once told my boyfriend at the time that his feet smelled. Everyday he took his shoes off after work, and everyday it stank the whole place up and it really bothered me.
I was gentle and sensitive, and he still layed down and covered himself in a blanket and slept for 6 hours.
She slept elsewhere and was rude because she’s feeling insecure. Give it some time and see if things change but stay firm.
If she can’t change to wipe now, imagine later down the line wiping your kids’ butts and wishing your wife would do the same to her own.
Definitely NTA. She is for acting like that. That’s so disgusting
My friend had the same problem. I don’t think she wanted to face the truth and I feel like it took great courage for you to be honest. Maybe take a photo next time you’re back there to prove a point. With consent, obvs.
NTA but her telling you to grow up is hilarious because even as a child you taught how to properly wipe and clean yourself. You’re not the one who needs to learn how to grow up in the scenario basic hygiene is just that, basic. Leave her and find somebody who you don’t have to tell how to adult.
My first thought was “ are you really that desperate that you would have sex with someone with shit caked to their ass”. My second thought was” what a stupid question, he gagged himself willingly and continued to have sex”. Yowza.
NTA
And for the love of God buy some packs of baby wipes
NTA and EWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW
>but she told me to “grow the fuck up,”
She said that yet she’s the one who can’t do what 90% of 5 year olds have already mastered.
Get some wipes and give her a good rub down after the flip.
Thank you, OP. I always thought it was only men who had bad wiping habits.
Suggestion: get a bidet toilet seat.
NTA. I prefer showering before sex because I want a clean body for sex. Whenever I go I use flushable wipes and a handheld bidet. It’s not an overreach to expect a clean bum for sex.
Omfg as a female I would die, I mean maybe you should have brought it up earlier but I feel like ehhh she knows there has had to be at least one stain in her underwear. When I was pregnant we couldn’t afford a bidet at the moment. But my bf when I told him it’s been hard to wipe even normally let alone when I go go because of all the extra weight and hard to move he bought sooo many wipes for me, a travel portable bidet which is just a fancy bottle with a long head to get back there( I still use that on some days) just noo noo I’m sorry that’s just wrong. You are a strong ass man I’ll give you that as a bisexual I would’ve deadass screamed the first time I saw or smelled that😮💨😮💨😬 HUGE NTA‼️
NTA. She needs to grow up and not expect you to over sht. She’s deluded!
Not everyone is taught about basic hygiene by their parents growing up. And it’s not something most of us talk about with each other to that extent. She’s probably mortified and instead of handling it in a good way by talking about it, is hiding instead. Go grab some flushable/biodegradable wipes for her and put them in the bathroom. When she recovers enough to show herself again. Calmly explain that it’s nothing to be embarrassed about and that you don’t think any less of her. That you realize that she can’t see back there so most likely wasn’t aware that there was an issue. That lots of people don’t realize that the toilet paper leaves a mess, tell her you got some wipes for the both of you to finish cleaning yourselves with after you wipe. Tell her, that you, yourself realized that this was an issue for you and everyone else in the world too recently. (Even if it’s not 100% true, but kind of is)
I think a lot of women feel the need to freshen up before sex, out of respect, to prevent embarrassment.. I’m shocked that she didn’t and refused when asked.
I literally had to have this same conversation with my wife a few weeks ago.
No, you are NTA. My wife took the conversation better than your GF through.
This was the best thing I’ve ever read
Sexiness starts with good hygienic practices.
Dude! Please order the luxe bidet from Amazon! 40 bucks and your problem will be forever gone! It is the best and cleans your heinie like a church floor! You will have a shiny poop free heinie after! This is so the way! Im on year 3! Ive bought them for everyone i know!
Bro just make her suck on your chocolate popsicle after you’ve been hittin it doggy style… Problem solved
Ohhh god, what the fuck…
Nta. Thats gross. Sometimes my husband’s feet stink and if I ask him to wash them, he will.
NTA. Could her anus leak on a serious note?
NTA. I’m really surprised she hasn’t had a UTI. She must know when she bathes or showers that she’s getting a lot of ick off of there. I just don’t know how she could be unaware of it, and if she’s aware of it, how does she expect you to ignore it? Yuck!
NTA for the love of god, tell her to get a bidet. You get one too. Actually, everyone should have one.
Not the asshole- but your gf needs to learn how to properly clean hers.
I really don’t understand why people don’t just use a jug of water after going to the bathroom. It’s really crazy to think if you got poo on your shoes that you’d wash it with water, on your arm you’d wash it with water but when it comes to their butt 💀
NTA that’s disgusting and unpleasant and gross and as someone on top of their hygiene, you don’t deserve that
NTA… but obviously she’s very sensitive about this subject. Probably talk about it in a time when sex isn’t the expectation. Hygiene talk before sex kills the mood.
“A mosaic of white speckles…” what?
Damn dude grab a wet wipe and take care of that shit😂
she’s telling YOU to grow up?? she needs to learn how to wipe!! not only is that just gross but it can be potentially dangerous for the both of you, NTA at all
Well that was “shitty” of her!
Bidet. Get one. Problem solved.
Some people are into shit like this
Well that would be the end of the relationship for me.
Not coz of her stinky butt, but because of her reaction to your gentle broaching of the subject. How are you ever going to discuss the really tough stuff in life if she reacts that way to addressing personal hygiene. She sounds lazy AF.
This is disgusting. I don’t know anybody who doesn’t wipe until the paper comes out white. NTA and I wouldn’t even wanna share a bed with somebody who can’t get it all the way clean down there.
NTHA. If she thinks her bad hygiene is ok, then I would leave. I get that sometimes you may miss something, but this is disgusting.
This is actually disgusting
You’re more of a man then I am, I would leave her if she refused to change/clean herself up.
NTA. Honestly this woman is revolting. Putrid even. What grown adult walks around with shit caked to their arsehole? No fucking way. That would be a deal breaker for me. Take your festy arse elsewhere 🤮
that is DISCUSTING who does this? I would be so embarrassed
NTA, but for real, raise your standards. Why are you even dating someone who refuses to wipe their own ass?
Nta that’s gross. Did you ever hear of coolie wipes? They sell them in every food store and drug store. they are like baby wipes for adults that you use after pooping.
NTA I think we know who needs to grow tf up. She is feeling embarrassed as she should. Baby wipes could fix the issue along w regular bathing. Dont let this go, it’s gross
NTA. As someone who HAS to shower after going number two, I genuinely cannot fathom how she can be okay having lingering poop between her cheeks.
Oh that is gross. Most of the time women prefer if the man takes a shower first. I’m in shock by her reaction
Absolutely NTA, I would have broken up with her way before now.
NTA
It is not immature to want your partner to clean their body after a bowel movement. That is pretty basic manners.
Someone who can’t wipe properly telling you to grow up is kind of hilarious lmao. NTA, can’t believe you’ve done this for nine months.
Bidet bidet bidet time to wash the butt.
Bidet bidet bidet thats all I got to say !!
NTA & to be honest this would be a dealbreaker for me. It’s one thing if it’s a medical issue or can’t be helped but she’s willfully walking around with mud butt because she’s too lazy to properly wipe.
NTA. I tell my husband all the time to shower bc he smells like swamp ass or cigarette smoke. He doesn’t take offense, he jumps right in. At the very minimum he gets his pits and dangly bits with a baby wipe if things get spontaneous.
Hard NTA.
I don’t even understand how you’ve been able to go so long without saying anything. I would have said something to her the first time I saw it and if she was still dirty the next time and refused to change and told me to “grow up” I would have dumped her on the spot. I am disgusted
Is this worth it?
Break up with her if she doesn’t want to make an effort for you
Eewww..have her grow up, and wipe herself. Like an adult. This would be a deal breaker for me. Ms. shi***ass,.could go sleep somewhere else. Permanently.
How is she not embarrassed? 😳 I would be mortified. As a person, you always want to ensure your personal hygiene is well maintained, especially during intimacy.
First off. Good job for having a hard talk. They are never easy but it was necessary.
Secondly. Nta. Ironically this is about an asshole lol.
Clean plates are important
Grow up and deal with my poopy b hole
Just come home from Costco with a case full of wet wipes
And that’s enough reddit for today.
My response to this is the same for all the posts from women dealing with skid marks in their male partners’ underwear.
You know who doesn’t wipe efficiently? Children. (With the understanding that some adults may have disabilities that limit their motor functions in some capacity but I would hope they have other means to ensure good personal hygiene.) Children don’t know how to wipe their asses properly and go on about their day unless a parent steps in. Are you wanting to be her parent or partner?
This is absolutely vile and would have ended the relationship with me when I learned how she handled herself in this department.
The fact she tells you to grow up after you tried to have an honest conversation about something that is making you uncomfortable is hypocritical. You told her delicately and she just waved you off. NTA.
NTA sir, you deserve to be with a person who doesnt have literal shit caked to their ass. Why are you accepting this?
NTA My guess is that she is incredibly embarrassed but those feelings are coming out as anger at you because it is easier than admitting the truth of things to herself.
The irony of the story and the name of this sub…..
NTA for wanting to have fun around a clean AH. Maybe it’s some abject expression of depression, but I can’t imagine not being bothered by a poopy butt, let alone wanting to have sexytime and being confronted with a dirty butthole.
Just nasty as hell. Plus throwing the equivalent of a tantrum because someone tells you your ass needs to be cleaned properly? Gross 😭 NTA, she needs to grow up and stop being dirty and expecting other people to be fine with it. No one wants your shitty ass in their view while they’re being intimate w/ you.
HOW IS THIS HAPPENING IN 2025.
NTA. I have no advice, just commiseration. As a professional waxer I never knew that one of the things I would learn along the way in my career is how many people do not practice good (nay, even partially decent) hygiene back there. It is never who you expect either and I just don’t understand.. no excuse – ESPECIALLY when you know you’re coming in for a scheduled service that requires me to be in your nether regions 🫠
put wet wipes in your bathroom and leave them on the top of the toilet seat. immediately
but as a woman around your gf’s age- I would be distraught if my boyfriend said this. however… she must be aware of her hygiene situation. there’s no way she isn’t. her underwear has to have… evidence. she has to have noticed. if she needed a serious wakeup call that she can’t just be lazy about this (no idea how an adult woman would need this wakeup call) then this should be it.
you did this perfectly, and you put up with it for too long. if she stays mad and you break up, this isn’t on you. but if she eventually cools down and apologizes and works on this- that’s awesome. she was embarrassed (rightfully so) but takes feedback and actions it. best of luck my dude.
NTA. Honestly, hygiene is a deal breaker for me. I’ve broken up with a couple of people over it.
Gross. Invest in a bidet.
Hell no try to get a bum gun you connected to the warm water and she can spray her ass down after shitting but no fucking way this is not okay
I don’t get the white speckles on a light brown canvas? Is he saying her entire ass is brown shit with dots/flecks of toilet paper? Bc that’s not just a little smear or spot! That’s entire shit being smeared all over her ass which would transfer to her underwear & possibly clothing.
Sweet Moses!! I am so glad I am single. I have my dogs & even they clean themselves!
NTA. There is a trend called blackgirl shower routine and I have never smelt so good and my skin has never been so soft. Most of us like to smell good, maybe instead of going at it the way you have, you could buy the products (vanilla smells amazing) and go from there. Explain you found a trend and wanted to spoil her with some products that you found smell amazing, and see if that approach works?
You have a right to bring it up . Maybe introduce wet wipes into the bathroom
Wow! 100% NTA the only ah here is your gf for assaulting you with her bad hygiene and then getting all butt hurt when you tried to address it in a polite and mature way. I mean honestly…what kind of full grown adult lets caca cake around their ass like that 🤢
You don’t need to grow the fuck up she needs to clean her shitty ass. Say it’s straight up if you want to solve this issue.
NTA. I’m appalled at the balls on her to tell you to “grow the fuck up” like ma’am, do you hear yourself? You’re the one who needs to grow up and wash your ass like an adult!
NTA- if your girl is not gonna shower teach her how to use a bidet hose and tell her you’re not putting out unless she had a clean starfish.
Oooh dis bih!!!
Yes, it is serious and it will escalate. This would be 109% a deal breaker for me.
NTA it’s bad enough that some cocks and pussies already don’t smell the greatest but dealing with poop? Hard pass.
Girl’s got mud butt and YOU need to “grow up”?
NTA.
She’s the asshole pin intended.
NTA. I don’t have babies with this woman, your babies will be dirty.
NTA. This was a bad day for me to be able to understand English.
If someone’s hygiene is that bad that you can smell and see it, and it’s making you react that way with the towel during sex, then yeah, it needs to be said.
at her age, she should know better. but she also might’ve gotten angry in embarrassment. I would try to talk it out with her again one more time, and if she can’t put her embarrassment aside and improve, leave her. you shouldn’t have to deal with this
NTA. Growing up isn’t the problem, it’s keeping dinner down. Is she aware that adults know to wash their ass?
NTA
Pro tip for everyone reading this: When your lover says, “Hey, let’s jump in the shower first,” you ALWAYS SAY YES. There is always a reason that they are suggesting a shower. If you say no or ask them why, do not be surprised when you learn that some part of you is stinky or gross.
Get a bidet! Shit happens and a bidet will wash it away!
Fake post
NTA, WTAF? What if you wanted to eat her paw paw?? That would be gross
I don’t believe one word of this concoction.
If she’s like this at nine months, what will happen at nine years?? She’s a bit of a pig. Shower before sex and brush your teeth is the minimum. Wow, I hope she’s embarrassed, not angry. And you tell her to grow up, because “grown up” people don’t leave their asses unkempt.
For the record you can get a UTI too…and also for the record, daycare will call CPA is this is the hygiene she practices on future potential children
NTA
I have to bring that up occasionally with my partner. He didn’t realize he wasn’t getting it all because he didn’t have skid marks in his underwear. I had to show him the cushion of a stool he sat on when naked to prove he wasn’t cleaning fully. We usually shower before sex mostly for that reason, and I won’t give bj without him being very clean.
It was an embarrassing conversation to have on both our parts, but he understood once I showed him proof
NTA. You can’t handle it without being direct and to the point, If she doesn’t wanna change, change the girl.
Bro wtf
NTA
I use wipes every time I poop. I need to to.keep clean and not use tons of toilet paper. Bidet is on my list. Flushable wipes are not adequate or flushable my pump truck uncle says. A covered small garbage can works fine. If she will use the wipes I’m sure she’ll have no trouble throwing them out as she’s not picky.
Buy her some of them adult baby wipes and a fancy bidet! Nothing says, “Go wash yo stinking a$$” like that kind of gift! If she gets pissy and leaves, then you will have the cleanest bunghole and balls on the block!
NTA.
We’re gentle about it but my partner and I let each other know when something isn’t right, though usually it’s a bad breath issue; but there’s no shame and no hard feelings.
You tried to have a conversation which was smart but I wouldn’t have waited for one of you to initiate sex before mentioning it. I would’ve asked to talk at a time when you both were comfortable and in private before she was ready to be intimate / vulnerable with you.
Toilet wipes will be her friend.
Haver her eat out your ass after you half ass wipe. then you’ll do whatever she wants.
NTA. Her reaction is totally insane. If you’re about to have sex and your partner suggests a shower – you take a shower. How is this not just… understood??? Also who doesn’t clean their own butt? Something is deeply wrong with her.
NTA
Some people are oblivious to their own stinky.
NTA: that’s gross.
I have never in my life seen such a thing.
jesus. does she shave her butthole?
are we talking fucking dingleberries here?
Well, it sounds like you tried to be diplomatic and sensitive about this (w)hole mess 🤢 but as others have said, she’s likely embarrassed. Is she lousy in other areas of hygiene? Could she be depressed ?
Personally, I find it odd that a woman her age hasn’t discovered wet wipes, a bidet, and daily PTA baths at least!
Anyhow-gross! You must really like doggy to have tried that more than once. Woof 😳
Let her come around. Don’t apologize or back down, just be very gentle. Insist on better hygiene. This isn’t acceptable for an adult and it’s time she knows so she can deal with her issue. Whatever that may be?!
You are definitely NTA here! Hopefully she will think things over and act maturely……and clean up! 🍀
I wonder how these people even end up w sexual partners. Buy a bidet
Wow no nta. But gross. Wtf.
Bidet
Only savages don’t gave one
NTA – she is embarrassed, and rightly so. She needs to learn to wipe better.
She really expects you to want to have sex with her while looking at and smelling her shit
Sounds like you both need some wet wipes.
NTstinkyA
Invest in a bidet, you can get them quite cheap, maybe she will clean herself better this way?