I’m 22 and just had my first baby. We live in a small town and my husband’s job keeps us close to his family, which, unfortunately, also means we live like 10 minutes from mine. My grandma was the one who raised me. She was strict, traditional, and not really the warm type. Think early wake-ups, no talking back, finish your food even if you’re crying. I turned out okay, I guess, but I always swore I’d raise my kids differently. More gentle, more talking, more emotional space. Basically, the opposite of how I grew up. But now that I have a baby, she’s back at it. And I mean on me nonstop. Every time she visits, she criticizes something. Why are you picking him up every time he cries? You’re spoiling him. He needs to learn to self soothe. You’re letting him nap on you again? Like yeah, I am. He’s a baby. She even told me I’m going to raise a weak boy if I don’t toughen him up. She said kids should be scared of their parents, that’s how you get respect. And when I said I don’t want my kid to be scared of me, she just laughed like I was clueless. That’s what you said before and look at you now, she said. Like I should be thanking her for how she raised me. The other day, I just lost it.
I told her, calmly at first, Please let me parent my own child. I know you have your ways, but I’m not doing things the same. But she wouldn’t stop. She kept pushing. So I snapped and said, You already had your turn raising kids. This is mine. Let me raise him how I want. She got super quiet and then left early. Now my family’s calling me disrespectful. My mom says I hurt my grandma’s feelings and that I wouldn’t even be here if it weren’t for her. My aunt said I’m acting like I know better than people who’ve raised whole generations. And my husband, bless him, is trying to stay out of it but even he looked a little uncomfortable. I don’t want to be ungrateful. But I feel like I’m drowning trying to set boundaries and everyone thinks I’m just being rude. I didn’t ask to be raised the way I was. I’m just trying to do better. But now I’m the bad guy for saying something. I feel like no matter what I do, I’m either a bad mom or a bad granddaughter. So now I’m stuck wondering… AITAH?
Comments
NTA,
You aren’t the bad guy, this is YOUR life and YOUR family, and they shouldn’t have a say on how you do your things.
I know these kinds of parents and they all have the basic assumptions that their kids, regardless of age, are an extension of them and should always obey.
Remember, when you lock the door at the end of the evening, everyone in your house is your family. Everyone outside is just someone you know.
It’s like your grandma thinks parenting is an extreme sport no pain, no gain. But guess what? You’re not training for the Olympics, you’re just trying to raise a happy little human without any emotional hurdles.
Raising your kid with love doesn’t make you disrespectful it makes you brave enough to break the cycle. You’re not a bad granddaughter for setting boundaries; you’re a good mom for building a better future
NTA, you’re protecting your baby, your peace and your space, that’s not really disrespect. It’s okay to honor what your grandma did for you and still say, “I’m doing this part differently”. Families don’t always understand gentle parenting
Your grandma did a great job raising a little girl into a sensible adult. Now that her job is finished, she can sit back, relax, and mind her own business.
You’re not wrong. She sees your parenting as a reflection on hers and can’t separate the two. That doesn’t make you disrespectful. It makes you someone who learned from the past. Keep going. Your kid will thank you someday for the love and space you gave him.
You are not, in any way, the AH here. You owe no one an apology for setting boundaries for your child. You’re 100% in the right that you get to raise your child as you see fit.
Your grandmother is incredibly disrespectful. She may have raised you but that doesn’t mean you owe her control over how you raise your baby. In fact, you don’t owe her a thing. It’s great that you want to respect her, but now that you’re an adult with your own child, respect is a two-way street. If she’s not giving it, she can’t be butt-hurt that she’s not getting it back.
Your family is full of crap also, BTW. Stand strong. As the mom of two adult kids, I can tell you that if you give in to this, things will only get worse. Just keep repeating to them , “As a parent, I have the my to set boundaries for your child, and as a human being, I have no requirement to show respect when I’m being treated disrespectfully,” until they STFU.
NTA. Please continue to meet your child’s needs. He will not be a weak boy. Maintain your boundaries.
Grammy is forgetting that, while raising a child can be a team sport, YOU (and your spouse if he’s making sensible choices) are the only one who gets to pick the team members and make the rules. You also just learned that there will never be alone time with Gram, or even worse sleepovers, unless you want to emotionally scar your child or future children. Momma Bear the fire out of this situation and don’t back down an inch. Ever. Not even once and tell all the folks claiming disrespect or asking you to keep the peace to MYOB. Show her you have a spine and can be as tough as her but without all the emotional abuse.
NTA. Stand your ground. Your mother who didn’t raise you gets absolutely no say.
NTA. We don’t need to replicate the parenting schemes we grew up with, especially if you always thought you were going to be different.
Tell the rest of your family that you are the parent, you make the rules, and that if they want to be part of your life and have access to their grandchild/nephew they will have to keep their opinions to themselves. We become adults, as opposed to overgrown children, by standing our ground.
You need to raise your son the way you want to. You cannot spoil a newborn by holding it. Responding to a crying baby quickly actually makes the baby more secure not less. I’m proud of you for standing up for yourself and your child. It would be interesting to hear what grandma told family, I’m guessing she added drama to it. Next time grandma comes over tell her before “you are welcome to visit please keep parenting advice to yourself unless I ask.”
You tried setting boundaries gently and that didn’t work, so you set them firmly. Why is it ok with everyone for her to hurt your feelings but it’s not ok for you to hurt hers? Especially because your feelings were hurt from her attacking and hers were hurt by you defending
No one can hurt anyone ‘s feelings. They hurt themselves. Because they feel guilty. Because they know you are right.
Anyone who agrees with your grandmother can stay home. Don’t let your grandmother visit. In fact you should go nc.
You don’t want to listen to want she has to tell you because it is wrong.
My parents raised me to be scared of them. I ran away when I was 17 and never had a close relationship with them. Now I have a daughter and when she was born I promised myself to do everything the opposite way my parents did. She’s 14 now. She comes to me about everything, if she’s sad, happy, angry or worried she talks to me about it. She’s kind and respectful, she helps around the house, she’s doing well in school and is a great person. No scaring necessary. You do it your way and your boy will turn out fine.
NTA
NTA
You said it well and nicer than I did.
You’re the front line of defence to your baby and you’re doing a damn good job advocating for him and his needs.
Stay firm with grandma and all the extra voices chiming in.
“If I want your advice, I’ll ask for it. Unsolicited advice will be ignored”
Parenting is hard, and you’ll make mistakes, but being reflective and responsive in your parenting goes a long way.
All the best ❤️
You’re not the bad guy for wanting to break the cycle and give your child a different experience. Setting boundaries isn’t disrespectful, it’s necessary, especially when old patterns don’t fit the kind of parent you want to be. It’s hard when family pushes back, but you’re doing the right thing for your kid.
NTA. Your mom let you be raised by your grandmother, so she is to shut up. And your grandmother wasn’t good at it. Of course they will not accept your boundaries. You are supposed to be scared, and not talk back, and raise your son to be scared and not talk back.
I studied social pedagogy, and I can assure you that your way to raise a child by giving love, making him feel safe and heard is the way healthier approach. Later you will have to give him boundaries as well, but you can do so while explaining them – even when he is too young to understand. He will grow up learning that there is a reason for things.
But your family will tell you that you don’t need to explain anything, that children just have to obey, like little soldiers with no mind of their own. That way those children go on obeying rules set by others all their life and don’t learn to question things and make decisions for themselves – and they are ruled by people who just love to have no thinking underlings….
NTA It’s the easiest thing to raise your kids the way you were raised. It’s a lot harder to work out your own way of parenting them but it can be so worthwhile. I was raised in a very strict religious cult and I hated it, everything was based on fear not love. When I had my two kids I wanted it to be different. I wanted them to know they were loved and would be protected. It was hard because I felt I had to work out eveverything from scratch. My kids are grown now and when I look at the relationship I have with them compared to the one I had with my parents It’s been so worth it.
You sound like an awesome parent. You do you and protect and nurture your child. Your grandma’s views are completely irrelevant here, you know what your child needs and he’s lucky to have you.
You do know better than those who raised you because YOU LIVED IT
NTA
Stop.Engaging.
The topic is no longer up for discussion. Period.
As a parent and grandparent, I would expect my daughter to get mad if I told her how to parent. We as parents will never get it 100% right. I cringe sometimes internally at how my daughter parents her kids, but unless she becomes abusive or neglectful, I don’t feel it’s my place to step in. It really doesn’t sound like you said anything too bad.
Why is your husband trying to stay out of it? He should be backing you up, or if he thinks you’re wrong, he should be talking about it with you so you can get on the same page.
I find it funny that your mom thinks she has a right to have an opinion on this since she didn’t raise you, her mother did!!! Forget about being a bad granddaughter, just keep being a good mom.
You’re not the asshole. They don’t know how to set boundaries and they damn sure don’t know how to follow any. Keep doing what you’re doing. Parenting comes with the handbook you write for your child no one else can tell you how to raise your child.
If your grandmother was the one who raised you then tell your whole family that they all failed. Your grandmother should have raised your mother well enough so she could raise you herself and not leave it to her mother.
You’re doing it your own way. Good or bad.. it’s on you.
This is your family. Your chance to do it the way you want to do it. Too many cooks in the kitchen is not good.
Tell your grandmother she needs to harden the fuck up and get over herself.
You just gave your your Gran a taste of the way she brought you up, and now her feelings are hurt? Is it only okay to snap and be loud towards children and minors, but adults are too sensitive to it?
Throw her statement back at her, “look at you (me) now, that’s how you raised me.”
NTA. You have every right to raise your child as you see fit, within legal boundaries. Just like she did. If she came to your house, and was yelling at you, it was her that was being rude. Tell her advice is welcome, constant criticism is not.
NTA but your husband needs to support you. Hugs
Honey, you sound like a fucking EXCELLENT mother and I am so proud of you for breaking the cycle of generational trauma and abuse. Because that’s what your grandmother did to you, whether you’ve come to terms with it or not…she abused you.
And I would tell your mom that she can shut up, because she didn’t even raise you, it sounds like (unless god forbid your grandma raised you because of some extenuating circumstances with your mother, in which case, don’t say that). And show your grandma some research that says, affirmatively (because this isn’t conjecture, it’s developmental psychological fact), that attending to a baby’s needs makes them MORE independent when they get older, and leads to fewer emotional problems like attachment issues and personality disorders. You are following your instincts and doing just fine. It’s amazing that you want to raise your baby to feel safe and secure in all the ways that you didn’t get to feel when you were growing up.