Okay, I seriously need to get this off my chest because I feel like I’m losing my mind. So last weekend, we visited my grandparents. It was one of those “family tradition” kind of things Sunday lunch, same house, same dishes, same awkward silence if you don’t eat what’s on the table. They’re old school. Like, really old school. The kind that thinks salt and pepper is “seasoning” and that soggy boiled vegetables are a delicacy. My kids are not about it. They’re picky, sure, but they’re also honest. If something tastes bad, they’re not gonna pretend otherwise. I’ve told my grandparents before that the kids don’t really like their food politely, of course. I even offered to cook something and bring it over. They said no. They always say no. “Kids today are spoiled,” they tell me. “They just need to eat what’s given to them.” But last Sunday… I lost it. My youngest literally gagged while trying to eat the gray ish stew they made. I stepped in and said, “Please, let me cook next time. The kids aren’t enjoying this, and it’s turning every visit into a fight.” I didn’t yell. I didn’t insult them. I just… asked. And you’d think I insulted their entire bloodline. My grandma slammed a spoon on the table. My grandpa muttered something about me being “disrespectful” and “soft.” My husband just sat there, by the way. Quiet as ever. Now everyone’s mad. I got a passive aggressive message from my aunt saying I “humiliated” them in their own home. That I’m raising “brats.” That I’m the reason the family’s drifting apart. I didn’t even want to make it a big deal. I just don’t want my kids choking down food they hate while being guilt tripped into saying it’s good. And honestly? I’m tired of pretending their bland, overcooked food is some sacred thing we all have to worship.
I get it they’re proud of their cooking. But when it’s literally making my kids anxious about family visits? When I offer to help and they act like I’ve stabbed them in the back? It’s not even about the food anymore. It’s about control. About them refusing to believe times have changed. And maybe I was too blunt. Maybe I should’ve kept my mouth shut. But I feel like I’m the only one trying to make this better. So now I’m the disrespectful granddaughter. Again. Aitah?
Comments
A. Gray stew thatmakes kids gag isn’t sacred family tradition, it’s just bad cooking.
yea YTA and a bad guest. feed the kids before you get there, bring snacks, and then thank the hosts for a lovely meal.
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Sounds like they wanted to have their own ideal of a weekend lunch in their heads rather than a real human to human connecting accepting loving experience with you and the children.
That thing that the aunt said about you and the kids – yeah, that wasn’t the first time she’s had that conversation in that house. They’ve had it before, behind your back.
Sounds like you’re forced to accept their rules not only for yourself but the kids you’re parenting as well. And to think that weekends are for rest and relaxation… What other wonderful things would you be doing together if you weren’t going there next time?
You’re NTA.
This is not just being old school. This is controlling. And dehumanizing.
NTA. The only pragmatic advice I can give is just eat before going over or something, they presumably wont be around forever so not turning every visit into an awkward nightmare seems to be the operative goal.
This isn’t about food anymore. This is about control and generational ego. You drew a boundary, good on you
YTA. You know your own family and how they are. Feed the kids before and give them snacks. It’s ok for them to sit at a table and make conversation. It’s a life skill to handle being served food you don’t like. You keep putting them in that situation. Don’t go if you’re going to insult the hosts and insist on bringing in outside food. The world does not revolve around your children, just your world revolves around them.
YTA for taking your kids over there constantly when you know the issue.
Stop going to their house for food.
YTA if it’s really that bad, don’t go.
Sounds like she is the one who needs to control.
>My kids are not about it. They’re picky, sure, but they’re also honest. If something tastes bad, they’re not gonna pretend otherwise.
I would be mortified if my kids did this. You eat a couple bites and we will grab something on the way home. This is simple manners.
Also, for the record salt and pepper are seasonings lol. They just don’t have to be the only ones you use.
NTA. Your kids shouldn’t have to gag down food just to stroke someone’s ego. They are just reacting poorly because their pride is hurt.
Maybe agree on a short visit that does not include food or just come for dessert after dinner and you insist on bringing the dessert or meet at your house or a restaurant and you provide the food?
Personally, I would not get into the situation again of feeling forced to eat food you don’t like. Its a no-win situation and will not help the relationship.
I am from an older generation.
Yeah, they’re right. Learning to be polite and suffer for a little while is a good skill for kids to learn. Sorry.
YTA. You don’t go to someones house, insult their food and then get mad when someone says something about it. You are even more TA for encouraging your kids to be disrespectful spoiled brats.
NTA, but stop going over there for food.
Your grandparents are stuck in their way, and don’t want to cook anything else. And lets be honest, it’s their home, so they should be able to cook whatever they want. But that doesn’t mean you or your kids should be forced to eat it.
So, instead of forcing them to change their dinner, or forcing your kids to eat this, change the time you come over. Come earlier in the afternoon and leave before dinner. Invite them to an activity another day. You can phrase it like that too, that you want to see them, and want your kids to be close to them, but that the dinners are accomplishing the opposite of that. Surely they don’t want their grandchildren to have to be forced to see them with great reluctance?
If they keep being stubborn about the dinners, without trying to figure out some sort of solution with you, then you’ll know how much your company (and that of your children) is worth to them.
You have an opportunity to teach your kids about graciousness.
It’s not about the food. It’s about being gracious because you’re having a meal with people you love. If you or your kids don’t like the food, teach them to be gracious about it. Teach them to be thankful they have great grandparents who want to spend time with them.
Feeding our families, at least to me, is an act of love. Not everyone is a 4 star chef. Take the love and the memories, eat what you can, and teach your children to do the same. They’ll be better people for it.
Stop going? You have free will.
NTA- stop going
“My husband just sat there, by the way. Quiet as ever.” Yes, because he has manners and knows when to not upset the apple cart. This is your family, hence this is primarily your problem to resolve.
You know that you don’t have to go, right?
Just don’t go. Saves the children from anxiety, and you from arguing about the food.
Maybe after a few missed visits, the grands will be interested in a compromise.
Feed the kids before arriving. And just say, they’re too full to eat any more
NTA, with a caveat.
How about offering to take the family out for dinner next time? Then you can avoid the drama.
Then stop going there to eat?? Tell them that you’d prefer coming after the meal and have a few hours in the afternoon with them. Why do you keep going there for lunch? Tradition is not an excuse.
YTA for repeating a cycle that you know doesn’t work for your family because… tradition.
NTA but had heard a similar story/experience with this from a cousin. Our background is from South-east Asia and my cousin’s in laws are from rural PA and his kids reacted the same way lol. Luckily his wife was told straight to her parents face that pretty much it wasn’t just her or her siblings who didn’t think boiled potatoes and steak was a flavorful delicacy
🛑 visiting them
NTA. I think a lot of older folks do this for power and control. It’s weird and unnecessary. Any adult that enjoys a child suffering over and over again during visits is weird. Some people are saying the kids need to show respect but what about the grandparents? They sure aren’t showing the lil ones respect.
I had two really picky kids. Once at my grandmas house my son barfed all over the table. Next time it was easy Mac and everyone was happy. Who care if the kids are picky? Your there for a visit not a inquisition on your parenting skills. You do you. By the way, I’m on 66 year-old grandma. Let the kids eat what they like.
NTA
Do everyone a favor and keep your “brats” away from them, since that’s how they all clearly feel.
Your kids come first, OP. Don’t force them to be around people who treat them poorly.
I am leaning towards NTA, although you could have handled it differently. As a guest you eat what you are served, as poorly cooked as it may be. Yes, times have changed but make sure they change at your house, too not at grandparents’ house. Make sure your kids aren’t picky eaters, they can also be adventurous eaters. And grandma’s food can be an adventure, too.
> “Please, let me cook next time. The kids aren’t enjoying this, and it’s turning every visit into a fight.” I didn’t yell. I didn’t insult them. I just… asked.
You did not ask, you told them you don’t like their cooking. And you made your kids the center of attention. I assume they are old enough to sit through a lunch, so this is why you are invited. When the kids gag at a food, quietly help them out of situation, don’t make them the center of attention.
NTA – 60 yo mom of adults, not a grandparent yet but a grand daughter once upon a time. Forcing people to eat things they have honestly tried and cannot ‘choke down’ is not okay
I can’t imagine treating my grandparents like this.
Why does hubby let his kids be treated like that?
I suffered so now it’s your turn.
Feed them well beforehand and have them sit at the table and have a lemonade or drink. Bring dessert as a “host gift” IF you want to maintain the relationship. It’s pretty cool the kids get to know their great grandparents.
If it’s not important to you, no is a full sentence just don’t go.
Adding- YTA though. It’s our job as a parent to manage behavior and set them up for success. Go with them fed and teach them not to be AHs.
Oh boy, this is tough. I mean, grandparents can be set in their ways. But at the same time, kids these days have such sensitive palates. Have you tried suggesting they make a small side dish of something your kids actually like, just to tide them over till the next meal? That way, everyone’s happy-ish.
Imagine if serving disgusting non seasoned cooking was considered “tradition” Im sorry for your cultural loss. Find some Black, Chinese or Indian friends. 🤣🤣
You should teach your children to at least try some not just let it sit uneaten. You can cut a pice of food small enough (from the tip of their pinky to the first nuckle of their pinky) and have them try it…if they dont like it they dont have to eat it. At least they tried it…
I say leave the kids at home with a babysitter. That’s 100 times better than trying to convince someone else that the food they’re making or not to your taste. Everyone’s taste buds are different so whether you like or don’t like what they’re making, don’t get into a fight about it – just take the kids out of the equation
YTA. Why? Bc you had this conversation in front of the whole family. That *is” humiliating and disrespectful to your hosts. If you don’t want to bring your kids there for Sunday dinner anymore, tell your grandparents privately and suggest a non-meal time during the week that you can stop by to visit.
There was no reason to insult your grandparents in from of everyone. I agree, I’d never make my kids sit through a meal like that but you chose to and then we’re a jerk in front of everyone. Pick a lane. Either go there for Sunday dinner with the expectation that everyone eats a bit or respect your kids’ needed don’t go over there at a meal time. They’ve made the expectations at this meal understood whether or not you agree with them… if you don’t agree, don’t accept the invitation and then be rude about it.
Your husband was correct with just sitting there. It’s your family. If he got involved and made the situation worse, it would escalate the issue.
The polite thing to do is not to say anything and thank them for their hospitality. “If you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say it” is as true today as ever. Their house, their rules. YTA
You could choose not to go. You could choose to eat very little, just enough to not be suspicious. Your social graces are very lacking.
NTA, your husband is though. He should be speaking up. Ignore the aunt. Stop going to the family gatherings with your children every week, go once a month. Tell your husband that he is welcome to go every week. Feed your children before you go, go later/earlier so lunch/dinner is over. You are raising your children not their children.
When someone takes time and makes a loving gesture you say thank you no matter how horrible the gift is. Their food no matter how bad is their love language. So yth.
Option one: you and the kids stay home
Option two: feed the kids before you go
Or three: stop going all together
Is it an every week “family tradition” or once in a while?
NTA. Please, tell me you have a big, fat argument to keep going there and eat (btw, my kid would not eat at all… and he is not picky, he just loves good food). Otherwise, just go after meal time.
Why expose your children to that ? Stop taking them and tell the old folk to come visit you instead.
Maybe just invite them over for meals instead?
NTA family time is about being a family and everyone saying oooh the old people are set in their ways…. Blah blah blah…. That doesn’t mean they are right, if your children dislike the food and it’s making them miserable then they shouldn’t have to eat it, that’s teaching bad habits. What would the grandparents do if your kids were allergic to one of the meals they make? Not adapt? You have options, maybe calling them out at the table kinda tacky, but if you’ve attempted in a more private one on one scenario then I would have called them out too. Option one eat before hand push food around on the plate pretend to eat. Option two, tell them you either get to bring foods your kids will eat or you won’t be there. Option 3 just stop going and think about the fact that they don’t care if you and your kids were happy, they wanted and got to enjoy themselves and that’s all they cared about. And remember old people are not always correct just because they are old….
Sometimes a meal has nothing to do with the food. ESH
Eat before going and tell your parents that you’ll visit in future after their meal. Simple.
NTA At every event we are invited to I always prepare something we want to eat. No matter what. It’s not rude but a definite way to ensure we have at least one thing we can eat. I say “I brought this dish to share and didn’t want to come empty handed.” Sometimes throwing in a comment about being grateful to the host. It’s not just for our kids, but all of us. Then let the kids plate up themselves and nothing needs to be said.
You’re dealing with depression era people who were raised to eat the last drop and never EVER complain about food. You’re raising kids who are entitled, to be truthful, and who believe they should only have to eat food they really like. Neither are wrong, but they’re also not right. The in-laws need to learn creativity and branch beyond bland and poorly prepared food. And your kids need to learn to respect those who provide for them and be more flexible in what they eat. Offering to help them cook in their own home is kind of a slap in the face. Maybe you could invite them to your home instead, and “give them a break” from hosting and cleaning up.
There are additives you can bring to make food taste more palatable. An old friend used to mix flax seed with seasonings. She said she had to have the flax seed because of a dietary deficiency, but the seasonings “made the flax seed taste better.” In truth, she loved food the way she was raised and couldn’t handle bland food. It was her way of choosing which spice to add to her food without insulting the cook. She had multiple versions of the seasoned flax seed, depending on what she was being served. She even brings them to restaurants!
Info:
What exactly do your kids like to eat?
What exactly do your GP offer?
While it’s absolutely right for you to protect your children’s ability to control what they put into their bodies, I do feel you need to get ahead of this situation of your kids being “honest” in situations where they don’t like the food someone is offering. Teaching them how to be freaking polite about how they turn down something they don’t want, WITHOUT UNNECESSARY COMMENTARY, will save them from being the subject of future reddit posts about the type of people who justify rudeness with “I’m just being honest.” They are also potentially running the risk of being incredibly rude about food that is specific to someone else’s culture on the grounds of it “not being good.”
Also, you can at the same time teach your kids that there is no justification required when they tell someone “no” around food. Their own preference, if POLITELY conveyed, is all that is required.
As for how to teach your children to handle the inevitable pushy people who won’t listen to their “no thank you,” it’s important to stress to them that the pushiness and lack of respect for their boundaries is the problem, rather than the food itself.
I’m a little conflicted but I’m going with YTA. I do understand your POV but you are objectively insulting their cooking, hurting their feelings, and your children (and you) are being rude. I also don’t see why you have an issue with your husband staying in his lane – this is an argument between you and your side of the family, not his.
Just don’t go at all or go less frequently if you don’t think your children are at an age where they can be more polite about the gross food.
You poor thing. Don’t force your children & husband into this situation anymore. I’ve been there. It’s awful. A compromise could be a visit between meals; say a meet up in a park or at a beach? Even a visit to the grandparents after the family has eaten elsewhere? By all means apologise if you feel you must (let’s face it, you were just being honest. However, some people can’t handle that, even when done respectfully & kindly) Some people just can’t understand that there are dozens of ways to cook food & that how they’ve done it for the last 50years may not necessarily suit everyone. I suspect the Aunt is just pissy because it’s something deep down, she wishes she had the guts to say (just a guess)
Can’t remember now if this is an AH post or not, but if it is, absolutely NTA
Eat before you go. Sit at the table and chat. They accept it or not.
NTA. It’s an invitation. Not a summons. Join them after lunch and bring dessert.
I’m sorry that you have this experience Sunday dinner at my grandparents was like the highlight of my week because the food was so awesome
Do you have a strong loving relationship with your grandparents OP? It doesn’t sound like it, so why go ? I personally would always cook stuff that suits everyone rather than force my choice on all, but I also taught my kids not to be rude to other people about food or anything else. In that situation, with my picky eater, I took a marmite sandwich everywhere so she wouldn’t go hungry. I would apologise to the “ chef” and say, I’m sorry, she’s so picky at the moment. You’re expecting it ALL your way and criticising them for wanting it ALL their way. Both parties are being assholes: YOU have an honest conversation with your grandparents, and maybe invite them to yours and cook what you want.
As someone’s whose mum made them eat the food that made them gag just to be respectful to the grandparents, you are NTA. Pea and ham soup, my Nana made it often and I absolutely hated it. I would have to sit there gagging and swallowing it all over again because I had to eat what Nana made. Being forced to eat food that made me feel sick didn’t create happy family memories for me. It didn’t create any positive relationships with food. I didn’t grow to enjoy it. I’m 34 and I’ve not eaten it since I moved out.
You have done your kids a huge service by standing up for them in this situation. Just because they’re kids, does not mean they should be forced to eat things they don’t like. People don’t force adults to do that, why is it OK to force kids? Kids also deserve respect and your grandparents aren’t giving them any.
No! But you should take the kids some food they will eat ~ this could just be visiting- I’d show up with a sack of Chic-fil-a/McDonalds~ whatever your kids like and talk about other things- your kids are lucky to have grandparents still living~ the food u chew while there should not be a topic! Let’s make better memories!💞
So tell me again, why do you go there for Sunday lunch?
I wish my mom would have stuck up for me when I was a kid. NTA
NTA. Quit going. Since everyone has a problem with your kids not wanting to eat the gray garbage, Howard Blandy passed off at the Krabby O’Mondays, then it shouldn’t be a problem if y’all skip. Start your own family tradition with good food and games. Make a family game night. It’s better to save your children’s mental health and happiness.
Sort of the AH. The grandparents sound like my husband’s great aunt. I have gotten food poisoning from her cooking more than once. Example: she cooked a full ham in her microwave at one point. I still love her though and I still go to her meals. Cooking for your family is the old school love language. It may not be your taste choice or your children’s but just find something or try bringing a dish to pass. Children can get away with just picking at food. Try it and move on if it’s not your liking. Don’t take more than you want to try and go back if you like it…. It’s a learning experience not a torment.
NTA. Your grandparents are blatantly disrespectful brats
Edit: Your husband needs to step up and defend you against your grandparents. He’s not doing anything better.
F#ck your aunt. She is an awful AH too and a brat herself
I wouldn’t worry about it. I doubt you’ll be invited again.
My grandmother once tried to make me eat tripe. She didn’t try again.
Don’t visit at meal time.
YTA. They aren’t forcing the food on your kids. You are, by continuing to go despite knowing it’s the exact same issue every time.
Why not make alternate plans if the food is the issue? You don’t need dinner. You could do lunch. You could do a board game or cards.
Just stop going. Stop that. Make better choices. And don’t act like this is all on them, your kids are being exposed to the food because YOU are exposing them!
My kids fathers mother is the worst cook ever. She has actually traumatized my kids with some of the nasty she has cooked. It takes us weeks for the kids to retry something that she destroyed
Some people just can’t accept that the kid/person isn’t picky, your just a shit cook and should just stop for everyone’s sake
I’m feeling grateful that my grands and greats were such good cooks.
Just stop going. Also inform them that forcing children to eat food that they don’t like and don’t have to eat is actually a form of abuse.
Stop going. Also these are YOUR grandparents so your husband probably didn’t want to interfere as you were already saying something to them about it.
How old are these grandparents? If they are your grands, then they must be fairly old (like older Boomers). Probably pretty set in their ways and how lucky are your kids that they even get to know them! Maybe your parents could help you find a solution or help you communicate with the grands.
Info: you talked a lot about how your kids don’t like the food, do you?
YTA. Stop going at meal times if you don’t like what they serve, there’s plenty of hours in the day besides lunch and dinner. Or host them and cook at your own home if you want to choose the menu.
My grandparents “specialty” was tomato and onion aspic. Just gelatinous vegetables in a savory jello. Disgusting as heck.
We were forced to eat it whenever they made it. Now I can’t touch jello because my body refuses to swallow it, and certain textures trigger a gag reflex.
Why subject your children to this? All you are doing is making your children resent your family. Your grandparents want control and for everyone to comply with their will. If your family is drifting apart, they are the reason.
You’ve got your own family now; create your own traditions. Start hosting Sunday brunch at your house.
You can go and tell them that the kids have some important things to do and can’t make it. Something normally you would pay for.
One thing I learned over the years, old people can be very childish. Just start training them.
You go & choke down the food, leave hubby home with the kids. YTA.
I find that very often, people use the word “honest” for what is really just “rude”.
How old are your kids? If they are not yet school age, they get a pass. If they are five or older yes, they should understand basic manners.
Do they politely say “no thank you”, or are they making faces, gagging noises, or making other rude comments?
Do you correct them if they are being rude?
You also don’t need permission to feed your kids before you go, or bring food they will eat. What will your grandparents do, take the food away from them? Then that is your justification for going low or no contact.
I totally get not making your kids eat food they don’t like. However, YTA for keeping the whole thing going by joining the grandparents for meals. Just stop. Go there after mealtime, and leave before the next meal is served. Maybe bring some cookies or other dessert item to share with coffee.
Welp you won’t me in the will. (Don’t start whining then.)
NTA – You made a reasonable suggestion. They are the AH for not seeing the negative impact of their behavior and actions.
No human is incapable of growth. They are making a choice not to grow and learn. Please don’t make excuses like they are old school. Old people can learn new things, too.
It seems they are cooking out of spite, not out of love.
No one has the power to guilt you without consent.
Your kids are not picky. They like what they like. They are humans capable of choice. Please treat them as such.
Stop pretending. Stop going to eat. Say you are happy to visit for company, but will not be staying for food. If they don’t like this, don’t go.
What are you teaching your children by continuing something no one in your family seems to enjoy? That we have to put up with other people just because? Really think about the impact of this. Of exposing your children to people that are behaving so negatively.
Good luck. And please continue to advocate for yourself and your children and spouse. No one deserves to be treated this way, especially by family.
Your husband did right this is your family and your fight. Why you keep subjecting your kids to that inedible food? I would just stop going or go when they aren’t eating.
Uhhhh this is your side of the family, so this is for you to take up not your husband, so it was good that he stayed out of it.
Furthermore maybe leave hubby and the kids at home?
Now when it comes to food, I personally expect everyone to at least try tasting it, but if you then down like it then they shouldn’t have to eat it.
It would have been less rude to stop going there for dinner. Really amd truly.
I am 55, I was brought up to eat whatever was served, but even today I remember with horror trying to chew and then swallow the grey thing that was known as a ‘roast’ amongst the elder members of my family. I actually just gagged a little by the memory. NTA
You’re raising brats, and it’s your fault: “I often talk about the ‘Grandma rule’ for travelers. You may not like Grandma’s Thanksgiving turkey. It may be overcooked and dry — and her stuffing salty and studded with rubbery pellets of giblets you find unpalatable in the extreme. You may not even like turkey at all. But it is ‘Grandma’s Turkey.’ And you are in Grandma’s house. So shut the eff up and eat it. And afterwards say, ‘Thank you Grandma, why yes, yes of course I’d love seconds.’” – Anthony Bourdain
YTA. Who decided to bring the kids to the grandparents without a meal for them they liked? Just pack them a meal. Then see who’s they actually eat. Might be surprised when they eat grandma’s and grandpa’s.
I think I know who is actually fighting the grandparents.
Also, lots of great dishes are not colorful. They do not have to be chock full of uncooked veggies to be “good”
Salt and pepper are great seasonings. That is why they are at every restaurant.
Yeah, I think we all know who has the issues here. It is you!
Question: do the kids just politely refuse what they dont like, or do they complain, make faces, say its gross, etc.?
I totally agree that kids should never be forced to eat something they don’t like.
But they also should know how to politely decline an offer, without rude commentary.
NO idea if this is happening or not, not trying to assume.
You are not allowed to stay home. You must go with your family and tolerate this until they pass away. You have no say in any of this.
Feed the kids before you go over and after tell the kids sit quietly at the table maybe your grandparents take a hint
YTA. Feed the kids beforehand and protect them from the grandparents if they try to force them to eat more. You don’t get to insult someone’s cooking in their own home while they’re offering you hospitality. Quit acting so spoiled and enjoy your grandparents while they’re still alive, or stop subjecting yourself to them if they’re so toxic that you can’t handle contact.
Let the kids sit at the table and pick at the food on their plate. If grandparents nag them to eat, tell the kids they’re excused to go play, and then tell your grandparents that you don’t believe in forcing kids to eat. Don’t mention anything about not liking the food. If they seem upset about wasting food, suggest letting the kids serve their own portions. If they don’t like that idea, stay quiet and let them cope with the results.
Bring them to your house and make them eat your food
Yes, you were disrespectful. They deserve a full and complete apology. And no, you don’t have to eat food you don’t like.
NTA for telling them off about the food. YTA for expecting your husband to do something about it, it’s your family, your problem to deal with.