I (28f) got married in July. About a week before the wedding my half sister, Ashley (41f), came to my parents house to let us know that my niece (her daughter 20f) would not be my bridesmaid. She made an excuse for her, saying my niece had an injury in her ankle from slipping in school, but there was something fishy about the way she explained it. Ashley kept referencing back about the way that she felt hurt because she herself had not been considered for the wedding party or to be a godmother. I married through Catholic Church, and I explained to her that it was a requirement she was happily married for her to be my godmother, which she is not because she divorced last year. Ashley kept saying that, as my sister, she should have a more prominent role, and that her daughter being a bridesmaid was not enough. She kept comparing herself to my other sister Lucy(24f), who was the MoH. Ashley insisted that she was equally as important as Lucy, or even more because she is older.
For a little context, Ashley and I didn’t grew up together, she is the daughter of my dad and his first wife. Her mom and my dad divorced when she was 12 and he later married my mom. When I was a child she lived with her mom and only visited a couple times a year. We didn’t form a relationship besides the knoledge that she was my dad’s kid. Also, I was not invited to her wedding because I was a child when she got married at 21 and her wedding was child free. On the other hand, I grew up with my other sister Lucy, I saw Lucy grow up and we shared everything.
A little infuriated, I asked her how dare she say she was more important than my sister, that she could barely qualify as a family member. Ashley tried to say that we were blood and we were there to love each other and be there for the important stuff. That’s when I told her I didn’t love her because I didn’t knew her, and that she could not love me because she didn’t know me. She was visibly upset but she didn’t respond, she just said bye to my dad and left.
A couple days later, my cousin (another bridesmaid) ran in to my niece at school, and she was playing volleyball (so not apparent ankle injury). Ashley showed up to the ceremony alone, took a quick photo and left, didn’t go to the reception.
Now a month later, looking at the only photo of Ashley I wonder if I was too harash or if I should apologize. Any thoughts? TIA!
Comments
From what you described, Ashley tried to make your wedding about her and her daughter, which wasn’t fair to you. You had every right to prioritize the people you’re closest to. That being said, words like “I’ll never love you” can’t really be taken back. If you don’t want a permanent rift, I’d reach out and clarify what you meant—something like you value her as family but don’t have that deep bond. That might soften things without compromising your boundaries.
ESH. Ashley is one for insisting on a bigger role. You could’ve been nicer in how you said stuff to her. Are you super close with her daughter? That struck me as weird how you’d ask her to be involved in your wedding party
ETA: when I said “nicer” it was the “I don’t love you” and pointing out she had to be “happily married”. There are ways to point out the church’s rules without twisting the knife on being divorced
NTA
>it was a requirement she was happily married for her be my godmother
Yeah thats not true.
Anywho. Seems like your half sister is bitter and resentful and made her daughter drop out.
Hell no
I’m just going to say that it’s hard to be the older part of the half siblings in a scenario like this. You grew up with your dad; she didn’t.
It doesn’t excuse her behavior, but it sounds like she’s desperately trying to find a place for herself in the family that you have. She’s divorced. Her marriage of twenty years fell apart. She needs family.
Again, I’m not excusing her actions. I’m just saying you might try to imagine how she feels in the whole picture.
NAH – I don’t think Ashley’s behavior rose up to the level of AH. She is certainly acting entitled and a bit toxic. On the other hand, apologizing costs you very little and could help you put it behind you. I would recommend that you do apologize, if you think it will make you feel better.
NTA. She lied about her daughter’s injury to guilt trip you over a role she wasn’t even entitled to. You just matched her energy.
Apologize for what? “I’m sorry you’re an entitled asshat”? Forget her. You just told the truth.
YTA. You judged your half-sister based on her leaving an unhappy marriage, you excluded her, and you treated her poorly while expecting her to act like nothing happened.
It is your choice to be an AH, of course, but you decidedly were.
She’s a bad person.
You are not the problem, stay calm.
Regardless of whether you had a closer relationship with your stepsister, if your wedding is Catholic and it is required that the godmother must be married, then it does not matter what it is called, it is a law for a Catholic wedding.
Not to mention that, in addition, you don’t have that much of a relationship with her and you are several years apart to be close, it is more than understandable that your pure-blood sister, with whom you grew up, has a more important role than your stepsister.
You were not permitted to attend Ashley’s wedding although she considered you her sister? Even if it was child-free, that rule doesn’t apply to immediate family. Clearly, she didn’t consider you her sister then. Why is she trying to impose on your wedding now? You telling her you could never love her because you don’t know her was not called for. You should apologies for it, but not for excluding her from your wedding party.
Damn, your father really sucked as a dad to his first child. Must have been hard for her seeing him do right by his do over family. ESH.
ESH.
Ashley was being entitled about having a bigger role in the wedding.
However, after you lost it and told her that she barely qualified as a family member, did you really expect to remain on good terms with her? I’m surprised she even went to the ceremony.
I think you’re a bit of an AH for being surprised that she doesn’t want much to do with you anymore.
That being said, why bother apologizing? You don’t sound all that sorry. You clearly don’t care about her or like her, and maybe the best thing to do is to let go of a relationship that’s doomed to be one sided.
I grew up Catholic and remained Catholic through my 30s. The whole godmother thing makes no sense unless your church is different. When my niece was baptized, my sister and her then husband chose 2 non catholic people as her godparents. I acted as the “supervising” godmother for this to happen. Anyway, this is just an observation and a “huh, weird” thing for me, nothing more. I think telling her you didn’t love her was harsh. It may be true on your part, but it was harsh. I understand how hurt she probably felt. I don’t think what she did was okay, but I understand her hurt. I also would not have had her in the wedding party. I think I would have asked her to be my personal attendant to give her a bigger role.
esh
you both could have been kinder, full stop. honestly it seems like you were waiting for an “acceptable” time to unload on her, your reaction seems outsized for what is relatively minor conflict.
I do feel kind of bad for Ashley, her dad essentially abandoned her when she was 12 and started a whole new little family that she probably felt very excluded from. That kind of abandonment cuts deep, the “left behind” children often feel a lot of resentment towards the “new family” so she probably thought she was trying to bridge the gap.
But by 41 she should’ve done whatever she needed to do to make peace with that, trying to strongarm her way into your wedding ain’t it. But you were unnecessarily nasty, especially saying she barely qualifies as a family member. That’s just fucking spiteful.
So I’ll play devils advocate here. I understand your perspective and it 💯 is your wedding to do with as you wish. I think Ashely went about it the wrong way and I don’t think it has as much to do with being a godmother or whatever as it has to do with feeling left out of having siblings even tho she did, and missing out on a dad who was busy raising you. So she’s hurt and a little bitter, but she also should’ve understood that her daughter being a part of the wedding was your attempt at including them. She should’ve been more understanding and come at you differently but tbh she may not even fully understand what she feels about all this. She could use some couch time with a counselor tho.
Hi OP, lapsed atheist Catholic here.
“I married through Catholic Church, and I explained to her that it was a requirement she was happily married for her to be my godmother”
This 👆🏻, see this? This is horseshit.
ESH Ashley had it rough, her dad abandoned her for his new family with you and your sister, and now you’re putting her daughter in the wedding? Why? It sounds like she was trying to be gentle in not having her daughter in the wedding as honestly it’s odd that you would if not her mother. Is her 20yr old daughter closed to you? Why?
I’ve never understood people’s sense of entitlement in these situations? There have been times I thought I’d be best man or in the line up anyway and thought I got bumped for some weird reason, only to find that yes, my guy had a very good reason to choose this other person. It’s not always about you. It’s supposed to be about the bride and groom and their choices. Best we as family and friends can do is support them and those choices.
NTA, but maybe you should put in some effort trying to know your half sister. I have a stepbrother that I would never call “step” as it’s degrading! He is my brother though we don’t share bloodlines. We are 12 years apart and it took some patience on my part letting him mature but we are definitely family when with our parents having divorced years ago.
NTA. She tried to lie and manipulate her way into a role she wasn’t entitled to. You stated a harsh truth.
you’re the ah for saying that catholic church needs her to be married, that’s a lie and you know it
Your bridesmaids absolutely do not need to be catholic.
I’m presuming OP means a godmother to her kid, when she says “my godmother”. That would lean more towards being catholic (for at least 1 godparent anyway). I don’t think it’s as black and white as OP says though. I can’t think that anyone other than the most hardline of priests would refuse to have a divorced catholic as a godparent.
ETA: considering OP got married in July, surely she didn’t have a child out of wedlock?!?
If this post is real, OP is just using the catholic thing as an excuse. (And I’m really curious if she had a child before getting married, given her hardline stance on catholic rules and regulations – which she’s wrong about anyway!)
You can love a man in the sky you’ve never met but not your half sister?
I’m not saying it’s wrong to love a man in the sky you’ve never met, but you can’t say you don’t love your sister because you don’t know her when you don’t know this man that you love.
Not that it necessarily changes anything, but that part where you saidnshe couldn’t be a godmother because she’s divorced… that’s not true.
And while I think her entitlement was a bit much… I also think you were unnecessarily cruel.
YTA – Also remind me in 10 years where your chances of being divorces is a coin flip.
“It was a requirement she was happily married for her to be my godmother”.
You are sadly mistaken or just invented that.
For the love of all that is holy…one can be a Catholic in good standing and be divorced!!!!! One just can’t remarry without an annulment of the first marriage.
The entire world gets it wrong. The Church recognizes that two people may separate/divorce (1 Corinthians 7:14), but unless that marriage is declared invalid they cannot remarry and receive communion. They can still go to Church, they can still participate!
Yeah, you didn’t have to have Ashley in your wedding party for any reason, you didn’t have to make one up.
Why did you not get in touch with niece to ask her yourself why she was dropping out
I don’t get why people are so rigid about the roles at their wedding when it really is not that big of a deal. If she wanted it so desperate, why didn’t you try to make it happen with the priest or make her a non-official godmother? At least if the priest hadn’t let her and she had heard it from him, it wouldn’t have been you to blame.
Using your religion as an excuse is pathetic! If you don’t want her involved, that’s fine and your choice. But to say she can’t do something because your religion says she isn’t worthy because she got divorced is really fucked up. You suck and YTA
Godmother of whom?
There’s no official wedding participation for a god mother in Catholicism, this feels made up
Religion:tearing people apart everyday👍🏼 can anyone tell us what jesus’ actual message was?
Maybe if your religion is motivation to spurn people who are clearly alone and hurting, it’s not worth following to the letter
I like how you Flame her for being divorced but your dad divorced her mom. How very catholic of you.
Well doncha just love these stories about blended families😵💫. Both of you are TAH. Twp grown women acting like this. She played a gotcha and you insulted her and a fun time was had by all. I will just bet your father would be so thrilled.
You really have to ask? YTA
Ashley was pushy and maybe a little jealous, but what you said was very harsh and uncalled for. That was a nasty thing to say and you should apologize.
Yta. My daughter absolutely loves her half little sister, even if she’s 12 years older, and also doesn’t live with them. That’s her sister. She adores her. It would break her heart if her sister grew up to say something like that.
NTA.
But yeah. Ring her up and apologise. Sort out the problem. Because that’s what adults do.
Too much drama, especially in a family in which one’s half-sister could be one’s aunt.
Since you don’t love her, and aren’t close, why are you making a big deal out of her daughter being in the wedding.
NTA for expressing your feelings. But you might want to take a stronger look as to why you made such a big deal about your niece being there?
Your half-sister did not even have you at her wedding… the idea that she would be hurt is outright hypocritical.
YTA; Not for most of the situation but for detailing how you didn’t consider her family.
Yeah you’re a bitch
ESH She was obviously entitled, but the f is wrong with you too? Why would Ashley have wanted to stay at your wedding
She had a sister-free wedding? Yeah, I can see that really lingering. If my brother excluded me from his wedding, I’d probably be pissed at that man until one of us died.
Congratulations!!!👏🎊🎉👏🎊😄 YOU are BOTH AHs. She made up a tactful excuse ( maybe her daughter didn’t want to be in your wedding) but nooooo you couldn’t politely accept it at face value. You had to push because the wedding is allllll about you. So, when backed into a corner she admitted that her feelings were really hurt but you doubled down and rubbed salt in the wounds by telling her she needed to be happily married to be a godmother ( a super cringey, creepy rule that you should seriously question) But her demanding a role is also pathetic and saying age makes her more important than your other sister is just as weird as your creepy religion.
You guys both suck.
If the church doesn’t accept your half sister because of a bad marriage who walked you down the aisle since your dad also has a divorce? Sorta a double standard don’t you think?
So, your sister was hurt and acting entitled and you reacted by hitting back as low as you could.
If you’re mature enough to be married and a parent, you’re mature enough to know this is not okay. Do better.
ESH, but if you I was scoring, this would be on you.
YTA
I wouldn’t have wanted my daughter to be a bridesmaid for someone so vindictive and callous either.
My baptised children have both Catholic and non-Catholic married and unmarried godparents. Let’s not hide behind bullshit excuses to exclude someone, just because as a child you weren’t invited to a child free wedding.
This is AI
I’m not Catholic but most of my mom’s family is/was and she was raised Catholic. As I have gotten older and seen several marriages/divorces/out of wedlock babies of relatives in the church, a lot of it depends on the attitude and how strong the beliefs of the priest at their specific church.
Dude yea YTA. She was hurt because she wasn’t included (normal reaction for most) then you told her you don’t love her….. damn.
Sounds like she was pretty much abandoned by her dad once he got his replacement family. She is not owed a bigger part of your wedding but in saying YTA the way you went about this. You went too far and were far too nasty in comparison to what she was asking.
Esh but you more.
Wow you just tell a family member you don’t love them like that? Sorry your dad is so shitty and made a new family and forgot about her. Im similar to you and have a lot of older half siblings. Never grew up with them but I still love them. I only saw my grandparents twice a year and loved them
You’re a complete AH, and not just to your half sister.
Catholics do not have a rule that you have to be married to be a godparent
You don’t think anyone here is Catholic??
I don’t believe anything else you’re saying in this post because that you made such a pathological lie.
I can only imagine the other things you’ve said and done.
It’s one of the largest religions in the world, babygirl. Someone was going to call you out. Really don’t believe your account of Ashley’s side of this story, or yours for that matter.
YTA. It feels like Ashley saying it was a clumsy way to tell you she wanted a better bond with you. On the other hand, you rejected her like she was some of these older kids who told their younger half siblings that they wish they were never born. There was no need to do so, a “I don’t feel we have this kind of bond” would have been perfectly enough.
And you’re maybe not that close if your niece pretended she was hurt to avoid going at your wedding : if my aunt shit talked my mom like this, I would never want to see you again. I think you owe your niece also some words.
Seriously, lack of infos or ESH, but anyway you’re the problem no matter the circomstances.
Mostly YTA. Relationships are what you make them.
I pray one day that you all can sit down and work this mess out because she’s your father‘s child so she is a blood relative and just because you don’t know her well doesn’t mean you can’t get to know her now that you’re all adults. Let’s start acting like adults.
I feel bad for Ashley, tbh
How very Christian of you.
You are a liar about the Catholic Church stuff and started the tension.
YTA.
Your sister is just responding in kind.
ESH. Her for disregarding your boundaries, you for being so nasty to her. She had a divorce and is going through a lot. I hope she heals and recovers from the abandonment of her father and coldness of her sister and thrives. And I hope you remember how needlessly mean you were to her and never ask her for anything.
How could she become your godmother? Were you getting baptized too?
I’m confused. As far as im aware, there is no godmother role/duty to be given at a wedding. I even googled it and the only sort of thing I can find are along the lines of ‘what duties can I give my godmother at my wedding’ I couldn’t find anything to about making someone a godmother at or for a wedding.
The part that made me think you ATA is lying about the Catholic Church requirements for godparents. That wasn’t cool.
YTA- You lied about her having to be married and you knew that. I’m failing to see how you think you’re any better than she is atp. And yeah, she’s still your sister and you’re the asshole for responding to her wanting to be a bigger part of your life with, “You don’t know me and I don’t love you.” Boundaries are one thing, but you’re just cruel and enjoying it the entire time. Now you want to feel justified in it? Foh girl.
ESH. It is not a requirement to be married to be a godmother in the Catholic Church. I’m catholic, also unmarried and godmother to my nephew. That sounds like an excuse. You don’t seem to like her and you don’t seem to want her involved at all.
I know nothing about marriages in the Catholic Church or if some have that rule and others don’t. So I can’t say anything in regards to that.
With that said NTA. Listen, you were a child and your older (half) sibling didn’t try to form a relationship with you. She excluded you from her wedding. She made a conscious decision to not develop a real relationship with you. In all honesty that’s on her bc you were a young child. You can’t be responsible at 7 or 8 for trying to develop a relationship with a 20+ year old sibling/adult. That’s just the reality of it. And seriously…why did she even want to be in a wedding of someone she barely even knows. That makes no logical sense.
ESH. God you’re a straight up asshole. I honestly feel sorry for your older sister and the way her supposed family treats her. Your father it’s probably a piece of work too and a shitty parent especially to your older sister.
You were definitely too harsh to her. She was being pushy trying to force her way into a bigger role but that’s no reason to say you never loved her
YTA I can’t help but feel sorry for your older sibling.
The church I went to was super strict about the religion so even when I was going through the process myself, everyone had to also be married or unwed.
ESH tho. It was a rough statement to make
YTA. She was a bit entitled but you were a POS. Also you lied to her, and using religion for your lie IS NOT VERY CATHOLIC INNIT.
Everyone has covered the opinion of why you might be TA, allow me to throw out that your Mother kinda sucks too. You said you never had much of a relationship with your sister growing up because she’s your dad’s kid. Why? And so? I have a half sister and brother from my Dad’s 1st marriage too. Guess who’s mom completely turned my sister against me? I am close with my oldest brother though. You’ve said your Dad had issues so I assume he also contributed to the distance. So he kinda sucks too. Looks like your continuing the cycle. You don’t have to. Maybe yall can meet up away from family if you want to salvage a relationship and be ready to have it out. Say everything. Then decide if you want to heal or never see each other again. I doubt I’ll ever see my sister again. Im only a little sad about it.
You’re kind of in the wrong here.
All you had to say (about the god mother thing) was that the church didn’t allow a divorced person to be in that role.
You don’t agree, but that’s how it is.
Maybe come up with something else for her to do?
The fact that you said all of the extra stuff was pretty harsh and maybe uncalled for, cant blame your niece for not wanting to be in your wedding or in your life now.
Also your dad is an AH too.
He sat there and let all of that be said?
He should have been a man and told you to calm down and be quiet.
esh
You all are assholes.
Ashley, for forcing her daughter not to be your bridesmaid.
Ashley’s daughter for allowing her mother to make her decisions. She’s 20 and an adult. She should be capable of making her own choices and advocating for herself.
You for telling your half sister she’s not family or preventing her from being a Godparent. You know the divorce thing is a load of horse shit.
Your dad for abandoning his daughter to go be the world’s best dad to his new family.
What I will say is Ashley turned up. I know if it was me, and my sister treated me like you did, I wouldn’t have.
NTA. She pulled your niece being a bridesmaid in the hopes of manipulating you to give her a bigger role in your wedding and it didn’t work. There’s nothing to apologise for.
If you value your relationship with your niece and want that to continue you should reach out and apologize to her mom. She may not accept it. You hit a pain point for her when you said that she barely qualifies as family, so her daughter may decide to stay away too, as that direct lineage includes her and that’s her mom your talking to.
If you do apologize make sure it’s genuine and that you address what you said and take responsibility. “That was hurtful, I knew it, I should not have said it”. Anything less she definitely won’t accept on a deep level.
Updateme
Yeah, you’re the AH. Tldr: choose kindness.
Your family dynamics is pretty much why my husband and I decided not to have children.
He already had children from his first marriage. I never wanted his children to feel like they were replaced by a second family.
The reality is that by the time you were born, your older sister was already on a visitor status in her dad’s home… and most likely hurt and resentful of that reality.
Yeah, she was a self centered 21 year old bride adhering to a strict rule that she made up for her own wedding.
That was 20 years ago. How long are you going to carry a grudge?
And with a 13 year age difference, she was a wife and mother and had her own life and obligations for most of your childhood. It is not like a 25 year old is going to hang out at the skate park with a 12 year old frequently. And by that phase in life, she would not going to dad’s house every day or week.
As a 41 year old, your sister has more life experiences and has matured. While she may have resented that you exist when she was younger, you’ve grown on her and she now sees you as a sibling and not as a competition for dad’s attention.
Regardless of all that in the past, the focus is on the present. You were deliberately harsh and cruel in what you said to your sister in the now You could have declined her offer without being an AH.
Choose kindness.