I (28F) have a 3-year-old son with my husband (31M). My husband works a high-paying job in finance, and I stay home full-time. From the outside, we “have it all.”
But I feel like I’m raising our child alone. I do every diaper, every meal, every meltdown. If I ask him to do anything, like give our son a bath, he’ll say “You’re home all day. Why can’t you handle it?”
I’ve tried explaining that I need help, even just a break for 20 minutes, and he says, “This is what you signed up for when you decided not to work.” Like I’m not working 24/7.
Last night, after our kid had a fever and I was up all night with him (while my husband slept through it with noise-canceling headphones), I finally snapped and said, “You don’t get to call yourself a father if all you do is pay bills. I feel like a single mom who happens to be married.”
He got super quiet. Later he told me I was “ungrateful,” that he “works his ass off so I don’t have to,” and that he doesn’t deserve to be “emotionally blackmailed.”
I feel like a jerk for saying it that way, but I also meant it.
AITAH?
Comments
You have NO idea what being a single mom feels like. YTA to single moms. Go get a job and bring in some money so your husband can take time with the kid
YTA completely. If you want your husband to spend more time with the kid, get a job so he can.
Asking him to take full care of the financial responsibilities while also contributing to the home is absolutely insane and beyond entitled. What responsibilities would you like to have?
NTA
He’s uninvolved when he is home. That is not co-parenting.
Yta.
nta. a three year old is a lot of work for two people. tell husband if you divorce you get 1/3 less chores, child support and every other weekend entirely off from son, so he needs to help at least a little. does he not want to spend time with his own kid?
NTA what kind of dad doesn’t want to care of/parent his child?
NTA, what you’re doing is work and has value. Perhaps find out the hourly rate of childcare in your area and show your husband how much you are saving by you being at home. You both deserve equal time off.
YTAH, are you gonna go to his work and fill out his forms and do his tasks? You both have a role.
NTA. I’d recommend getting a job and putting the kid in day care so that you can present him with his half of the chores.
He’s not going to willingly step up. Couples counseling should be a priority if you want to work through this and stay married.
NTA- child rearing is 24/7. He gets to work and then stop. However, this won’t change. This is who he is and based on the below comments there are a lot of people who agree with him. I recommend staying for now, making a plan, and executing when timing is right.
You see… if your husbands response is that he works so “you don’t have to” then you are NTA. You absolutely work your ass off too.
This is a sticky scenario but you’re NTA.
To preface, I’m a 38 year old dad with 2 kids and a wife who works full time. Being a stay at home mom is a career and anyone who disagrees doesn’t understand how much work it takes. However, there are certain “expectations” I would have if my wife stayed at home. I would expect her to cook, clean, take care of the kid, handle shopping, etc. So I don’t 100% disagree with him – that’s in your lane more than his. However, she works full time so we tag team it all.
But here’s the deal – you both work equally as hard during the day so when he’s home at 5 p.m., you both deserve to relax and the workload of caretaking should get split. You should still be doing the cooking but child support is now 50/50.
As a dad, I cannot imagine losing out on the opportunity to spend every moment I can with kids when I’m not working. I wanted to change diapers and give baths because I love my kiddos. Now that they’re older, I want to sit down and do homework with them, even after a day full of working.
So I wouldn’t be here asking if you’re the asshole because you’re not. If I were you, I’d be questioning what kind of parent your husband wants to be and make sure that’s the dad you want for your kids.
Take the kid and leave for a bit and see if he even notices. Hell, switch kids with a friend for an evening and see if he can tell the difference.
NTA. Raising a child is 24/7, being the one working is not an excuse not to help raise you child when you are not at work. Off work hours, child care should be 50/50. Working is not an excuse to be an absent parent.
If your husband refuses to help, hire a babysitter, nanny, or put your child into daycare. Expecting one person to be on 24/7/365 is not only wrong, but impossible. It sounds like having baby sitter come over for an hour three or four times week would feel like a godsend, so you can take a shower, maybe exercise, and have just a little bit of downtime. You also need to spend dedicated time with your husband to keep that connection strong.
do you guys ever get to spend time w out the kid ?
NTA if the only thing he ‘provides’ is money, it might as well be alimony. 🤷🏼♀️
NTA.
Providing everything doesn’t mean you get a pass on parenting. Kids thrive best when both parents are attentive.
I’m not sure what expectations you set before or if you even talked about it. It’s not working now! Sit down and talk, calmly, about how you can more equitably split child rearing duties.
Do you need one night a week for girls’ night? One Saturday a month for spa day?
How about he cooks dinner one night a week.
Or that you agree to have a sitter every Friday night.
Stay at home parents aren’t slaves. They need time away from the job too.
NTA. If he works his ass off 40 (or more, but for instance) hours a week, and you do the same with childcare and has the other hours off, so should you. If you’re saying come home and do everything, that’s not ok. But asking for a 20 mins break and being told no? That’s insane to me. What happens if you get a 40 hour a week job? Will he take over 50% of the responsibilities then? You’re working 100% of the hours in a week. If he’s doing 40hrs, he’s working 24% of the week. How in the world does that seem fair? Even if he’s paying for 100% of everything, your contributions are worth something.
YTAH. You decided to split workloads so that he provides for everything and you take care of the house and the children. If you don’t like it get a job and hire a nanny
How about he quits his job then?
YTA especially to real single mothers. Your husband works a demanding job and you are responsible for the child and home. Its 1 child 1!!! If you want him to pick up a share of the household duties, then you should pick up a piece of the financial ones. You sound entitled and unappreciative for what your husband provides for your family.
He’s a “paycheck parent” then and not a real one. A real one takes time to get to know their kid. If he took him to a doctor or hospital would he be able to tell bowel movements or new foods or habits? Can he tell a preschool teacher what his child’s favorite blanket or lovey is? What the temperament of his son is? Clothes size? Does he like grains or fruits or carbs more?
Your husband is doing bare minimum. He at least has free time and nights. And even a job has reasonable daily goals and several 15 minute breaks (especially if he’s a smoker, they get so many breaks lol).
If he truly is providing ALL the things financially then you need to hire out some of these jobs. A maid/cleaner once a week, a laundress, a nanny who can plan meals, grocery DELIVERY, etc etc. THAT would be true financial support, but definitely not parenting. That’s providing. And not even emotionally.
NTA when he gets home his work is finished, when do you finish work? Once he’s home you should share responsibilities so that you both have downtime. What will happen if you start working? Will he still call you ungrateful just because he earns more and you will still have to do all housework and childcare. It’s completely unfair of him to leave you with everything to do with your home and child.
He needs to recognize you’re at work all day too.
https://www.mother.ly/news/unpaid-work-of-moms/
Your fundamental problem is that your husband is under the impression being a SAHM is not working.
You shouldn’t feel like a jerk, that’s a title he owns solely.
Spouses aren’t supposed to live in a state of being grateful to their partner. He’s not your boss or the tooth fairy handing out favors to you. He sees himself as the only party who works in this marriage.
Have you thought about running the numbers, and giving him a bill for your 24-hour-a-day nanny, cook and housekeeper services? ETA: NTA. It’s time for you to get a therapist he can blame when you finally leave.
So he works his 8/10/whatever hours a day. You work 24/7 but he doesn’t see it or value it. Do some research. Figure out what round-the-clock childcare costs. The same for housekeeper, cook, chauffeur. Then hand him the bill.
Maybe rephrase it. It’s not so much that you need help. It’s that if he wants to ever get to know his own child, maybe he should spend some time with him.
Different love languages. Seek counseling.
NTA, this is a form of abuse. My marriage began like this and ended with a restraining order. Parenting is work, and parents need help. If he balks, he didn’t want a partner in marriage, he wanted a house-slave
NTA and I’m so bloody sick of men who think bringing home a paycheck is enough just because they have a wife who stays at home to raise their kids. Like sir… you are still a freaking husband and father. Act like one. Him working a 50/60 or whatever hour week doesn’t mean she has to work 24/7 without a break. A woman doesn’t turn into a slave just because she’s a stay at home mom. But that’s how these men are treating their wives. It’s infuriating.
So no, you’re NtA but this verdict isn’t going to make your useless husband a better father. He’s decided you’re responsible for 100% of everything else just because he brings home the paycheck. If I were you I’d get a job that also brings home a paycheck and start leveling the playing field. Or at least saving money for an exit strategy cuz he’s an ass.
Lady please get a job get your independence back he can pay for childcare at first then split the costs and the home jobs too including childcare its obvious your relationship won’t last so attleast get to the point were you can earn money
NTA; Your husband does not contribute significant emotional labor, it is not unreasonable to be upset or frustrated.
NTA- for those of you that believe working full time negates the need to participate in spending time with your children, YTA. Honestly 40-60 hrs a week vs 168 hrs/week is a huge difference.
How much do you pay nannies and child minder’s?
And they also get brakes away from the children
As for OP – find some mothers groups to join, just to feel like an adult. Then make plans to start working for what you want out of life. Do not have another child with a parent like this.
As an actual single parent this shit pisses me off really.
You know how much I wish I didnt have to worry about bills, groceries, babysitters, and had all day long to take care of my child?
If you have never had to do everything by yourself, and I mean fucking EVERYTHING you have no clue.
NTA. It doesn’t sound like you’re trying to get your husband to do any housework, just spend time with your kid. The people saying YTA are crazy. How can you justify not spending time with your own kid? OP’s son is going to have issues if his dad never wants to spend time with him. My mom did 95 percent of the household work and was a SAHM, I can’t imagine my dad getting home from work and refusing to do anything with us because it was “her responsibility.”
NYA. Shït like this pisses me off. If you divorced he’d have to help raise his child. There is more to parenting than drawing a paycheck and these deadbeats need to wake up.
Y’all downvote me to hell when I tell women not to be SAHMs. But every other post is this.
You didn’t sign up to be an SAHM. In his eyes, you signed up to be the family slave. And he expects you to be grateful for it.
If you want your life to improve, get a job first. Then think about whether you even want to be with someone who treats you like this.
Well lets stop blaming and start planning. Vet a day care near you and try it for a few hours 3 times a week or so. Or search for a teen to help out a couple of hours a day to get you some “me time.” Soon he will be potty trained, too.
NTA-
His “work day” and your “work day” end at the same time.
Once he gets home all responsibilities in the home should be shared. Childcare, cooking, cleaning all of it.
I have been in both positions, where I have been the provider, and where I’ve been the stay at home parent. It is significantly easier to be the provider, and don’t let anybody tell you otherwise. The Work inside the home is nonstop (no breaks) and typically unappreciated. At least when you’re getting paid you feel valued because you’re getting money from it. On top of that you have a social life and time to yourself during breaks and commutes. This is not the case when you wanna stay at home parent. Your husband sounds ungrateful, and doesn’t grasp what his responsibilities inside his home are.
If he does not want to take on his responsibilities in his own home, perhaps he should hire somebody to do it. But it is not your job to work 24/7 for a man. If he genuinely thinks that it is, you need to get a new man.
>I feel like a jerk for saying it that way, but I also meant it. AITAH?
No. NTA. You are tired. But you haven’t identified the correct solution.
If you continue to stay home, you need to discuss hiring help. Two hours of babysitting a day so you can go to the gym, hair dresser etc.
Otherwise, you need to find an income earning occupation outside the house and use a lot of that money for day care and other household help. Then you and your husband can take turns dropping the kid off or carrying for the child when you aren’t at your outside jobs.
NTA. If you divorce him because of this attitude he will have to become a hands-on father and pull his weight as well as work on his custody days. And he’ll wish he’d done things differently.
If he has such a high-paying job, hire a nanny. It doesn’t have to be full time. You could have someone who only comes in the mornings or a few days a week. I’m sure he has staff to help him. You should have staff to help you.
NTA, but I guess I’d also ask, whose decision is it that you’re a SAHM? If your husband makes that much money, you could probably afford childcare for you to work. And finance jobs can be very high stress and high hours, and not that much fun, and I’ll be honest, in your husband’s position, I think I could imagine being a little resentful of having that full financial burden.
To me, reading between the lines, he sounds kind of like a man who’s resentful that you don’t work. Which is making him a bad husband and father in turn, which there’s absolutely no excuse for. But if you want to fix the marriage, what I’d do is figure out how he actually feels, and whether he’s happy. And then see if there’s anything that needs to change for both of you.
I guess I’ll be downvoted for this because yes, your husband is being an ass, but I remember being a working mom in my previous marriage, and my husband made the choice to be a SAHD for a while because he wanted to quit his job anyway, and didn’t feel happy about paid childcare for a young kid. I didn’t really want him to do it, but I felt like I needed to agree to it to be a supportive spouse. I didn’t really enjoy my high-paying job at the time, and honestly, the resentment was unreal.
It’s not for everyone to be the sole breadwinner, I certainly wouldn’t do it again no matter how much I love my partner (excepting temporary unemployment while searching for another job obviously), and this doesn’t sound like a man who’s happy in that role. It sounds like a sacrifice he’s making for you that he resents, and blames you for.
Yes. The life you’ve described is the life of a stay home mom. If you chose it, then own it. Stop giving him shit when he’s paying all the bills because that’s his job . You have yours and he has his.
YTA
You CHOSE to be the SAHP. I imagine you view of single motherhood is skewed from the size of your lifestyle you live in paid for by your husband. I know actual single mothers going thru it more grateful for the scraps they get.
Not to dismiss caregiver burnout, which sounds more accurate to your situation than being compared to a single mom. In which there is validity in going to your partner to help alleviate. But In a couple years the kid will be in school and op will have 6 hours a day, alone in her home, with all the time to make her next set of bad decisions to complain about.
But Op all got the baby trap on this guy, and courts favor mother’s since they get a cut of all ordered CS, so go ahead and divorce, see that single mom life. So long as there aren’t any text messages hubby can use to prove you willingly gave up your career in lieu of child rearing
Leave him home alone with the baby for 3 days. Then ask him if he thinks you don’t work. I’m sorry you’re going through this. Nta
NTA, my father was the one who “worked so my mother didn’t have to” when my mother definitely 100% worked her ass off taking care of me & my brother. i didn’t see him much growing up, my mother begged him to go to events with us or help with anything to do with us or around the house. he did no cleaning, no cooking, because “he already worked that day”.
your child will grow up watching who is with them the most and who is caring for them, they’ll notice an absent father.
he can either be a father, or potentially lose his child’s respect as he grows.
If he took a less demanding, lower paying job how would you react?
Tricky situation. If he’s able to “leave work at work”, then sure..
But if he’s mentally still struggling with a problem at work, he may feel like he’s “still in work mode”.
I agree you need/deserve help. Don’t get me wrong. But I was in a similar relationship earlier, where I felt like no matter what I did, it was so easy for her to smile, and ask for “more”.
Not saying that’s you at all, but I wonder if that’s how he feels?
It may be time to “switch roles”, if possible.
Saturday, have him give you a full days paperwork, decisions, etc.
He is 100% solo kid duty, laundry, etc.
You need to have another conversation with him. Break down his day and say that he has break and lunchtimes. You work through from the moment the baby is awake. When he stops work, you continue working. He gets down time. When is your down time? So… he actually owes you some time! You need to schedule time when he has the baby and learns how to be a dad. Don’t put up with it. THIS is the reason I don’t want a family. I am not a mug. (And, even in relationships when the dad does a bit more. The lion’s share is always done by the woman.)
NTA, you are slaving away for shitpay from him.
NTA.
We have a two year old , I am SAHM and my husband works full time, sometimes he would block his schedule after 5 pm, so he can spend time with our son, feed him, bath him and put him to bed. He baths our son and put him to bed almost every single night and wakes up on the weekends with him so I can sleep in. He does it not so much for me, he does for our son and himself, because he wants this time with him, he wants this special connection between them and doesn’t want to miss out on anything.
Maybe you two can try a couple therapy, because it’s all about communication too. I hope it will improve.
Info: why isn’t he in daycare/3K?
Hire a Nanny
Nta. However you two need to have a quiet and honest discussion. What does he see his role of a father being to this child? You might have unrealistic expectations of what he planned to be as a father. Also what do you believe and he believe your role is? It sounds like you have different views. It sounds like you chose to not work. Have you considered going back to work?
Also if you need a break have a scheduled time weekly or something with a babysitter.
I was a stay at home for my exs kid. He had zero interest in working or providing care fpe the child. I also provided the care for his ex the kids mom when she was at work and frankly me and her had a better coparenting relationship than he and her ever had and are best friends still.
But I went in thinking he wanted to be a parent. He didnt.
NTA. You’re not a slave. Just because your the stay at home parent doesn’t mean he never has to be a father. You should have equal amounts of free time. Also he goes to work like a regular adult and is given breaks and lunch time and interaction with other adults. He then gets to come home and contribute to his child’s upbringing. Whatever you do, don’t have another kid.
Nta like it doesnt matter how much he worls he can spend hour a day with his kid doing smtg. Playing hide and seek painting idk its one hour even movies are longer. He can help when its bad. Its his child he is father i think he forgets that. He can help even if he had a lot on his plate to give you 3 hours of sleep if you had to stay up because his child is sick. Its not much i think many forget that op does everything this man just comes home and idk what he does sleep? He should be partner op can lean on when there are problems not yelled at.
You’re at work 24 hours a day, 7 days a week without any breaks. He only works a fraction (usually a third) of that each day. He needs to help with his child. If he can’t divorce him and get alimony and child support.