Here’s some background, I (31F) and my husband (30M) are in the middle of an IVF Cycle. We are about a month and a half away from our FET (frozen embryo transfer), which will hopefully result in our first pregnancy. Its been a really long, emotionally and physically tiring process. I’ve have to have multiple surgeries including having part of my reproductive system removed, and have had to do self injections 3x a day and for multiple weeks at a time. When we started the egg retrieval process we had 17 follicles (eggs are in follicles, but not every follicle contains an egg), that turned into 7 eggs retrieved, 6 eggs mature, 3 that fertilized, 2 that became embryos and after additional genetic testing only 1 embryo that is viable. Whew, its been a lot. We are very fortunate to have one even 1 embryo, and we are very thankful. Anywho, this embryo is a girl and its all very exciting.
We both decided early on that our child/children would have both our last names, my husbands followed by mine, and they wouldn’t have a middle name. Just to keep things less complicated. This was more a me thing, I don’t really see the purpose of a middle name, just seems useless to me However, very suddenly and unexpectedly we lost my husband’s mother. She was literally a Saint on earth. Before she passed, my husband made a promise to her that he would give her first and middle name (Mary + Lynn = Marilyn) as our daughters middle name. We discussed this and I agreed to let him give our daughter a middle name in remembrance of his sweet amazing mama.
Back to the first name. We have a list of about 3 names we really like for a first name, and today I shared one I fell in love with, Rosalia. I mentioned it to my husband, and he was neutral on it. I told him I think because he’s decided on the middle name, which I originally didn’t want any of our children to have, that I should be able to have the final say on the first name. And everything kindof took off from there. He told me we wont name our daughter without both agreeing on it. I said its only fair, if he chose one name and I choose the other. Mind you, we both agree on a number of names, and I’d never name my child anything to spite him. I told him he’s being unreasonable by not being willing to compromise on this, and he said its rude and crazy if I choose a name without considering his feelings and opinions. So reddit, AITAH?
Comments
ESH
> my husband made a promise to her that he would give her first and middle name (Mary + Lynn = Marilyn) as our daughters middle name.
Well that was stupid.
> I don’t really see the purpose of a middle name, just seems useless to me
Also a little silly, but, OK.
> I should be able to have the final say on the first name.
The middle name does not matter. The first name absolutely does.
There is no “this one is my call” when it comes to the first name. BOTH parents need to be happy with it.
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I think because I carry the baby and had the surgeries and went thru all the physical changes in order to birth the baby I should have final say. My husband said he shouldn’t have to compromise on anything because he made a promise to his passing mother. He thinks I’m the asshole for wanting to take the decision/input away from him.
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
YTA – Baby names are a two yes, one no kinda situation. Just because you agreed to his choice for a middle name, doesn’t mean he suddenly gets no choice on the first name.
First off remember you can give a child more than 3 names. (Mine has 4, I know a friend who gave their kid 5.)
NTA. You didn’t say you will make it without any input, merely because has sole dominion over middle (2nd name) you should have sole dominion over 1st, but even in 2nd, he didn’t come without yoru consultation and if you had an objection, you would’ve raised it and he would’ve considered it much as your agreeing to do with the 1st.
Yes, YTA. As someone who’s gone through IVF and conceived a child using IUI, you don’t get to use that as your excuse to get to chose the name of your child. Both the parents need to agree. I don’t think Marilyn is an awful middle name, and it’s a kind way to honor a woman you both cared deeply for. As for middle names being unnecessary… perhaps, but if you’re in the U.S., they’re fairly standard and unobtrusive so this isn’t a fight I’d engage in.
YTA, two yes and one no goes no matter the middle name.
> Mind you, we both agree on a number of names, and I’d never name my child anything to spite him
Yet you feel like you should get final say on a name he feels neutral about? YTA here. There are names you both agree on. Why are you insisting on a name that he isn’t excited about?
YTA. It’s your child together, you should decide on its name together. A middle name is not at all comparable to a first name.
YTA. Both agree or the name goes. Period.
YTA. This child isn’t just yours. JFC.
So you’d agreed no middle name, and then your husband unilaterally promised a middle name? I mean I get that his mother was passing and it was an emotional time but that’s not great. I get it.But this is your shared child’s first name, not who’s doing the dishes vs taking out the trash tonight. There’s no “you did the middle name without my input so I get to do the first name without yours.”
First off, the first name and middle name are in no way equivalent, so no, even in your fantasy world where this is a good way to handle the situation, it is not “fair.”
Second, that is just a shitty way to approach conflict resolution. Are you 31 or 13?
If you two are about to have a child together you both need to grow up, fast, because you’re gonna disagree on all kinds of things and if you treat everything as zero-sum and quid pro quo your relationship will not survive it and your poor kid is gonna reap the consequences through no fault of her own. Find a name you both like. Each of you generate a list of names you like. Figure out which ones you agree on. BOTH of you pick from that list – just keep whittling it down, arranging in priority order, etc – until you are both saying YES.
He wasslightlyunreasonable insisting on fulfilling a promise you didn’t agree to on the middle name.You are being completely unreasonable suggesting that entitles you to full ownership over the first name.Is that really how you want to start your co-parenting lives together? Learn how to have a conversation, express your feelings without judgment, and figure out a path forward that you can both live with.
Yeesh.
YTA
/ ESH. He was technically kind of asshole-y but his mother was dying. I dunno what your excuse is supposed to be.ETA: It was noted that I missed a line! Though it’s mostly just suggestive that hubs was actually not even technically kind of an AH here so the rest remains relevant I think.
YTA. Both names should be a yes from both parents. He chose the middle name but you agreed. It should be the same for the first name.
NTA. He decided the middle name and made a promise to his mother without including you in that decision. You get to
Pick the first name. Also you’re the one going through all the physical demands of the IVF process so that to me also grants you the first name choice. Don’t know why all these people are saying you’re the ahole 🧐
YTA
Baby names need two ‘yesses’.
It’s nice that you compromised on having a middle name for him. He shouldn’t have promised that without discussing it with you first.
However, that doesn’t give you the right to unilaterally pick the first name. A middle name is in no way as important as a first name. You know this, that’s why you weren’t going to have one.
If you use allowing him to choose a middle name to leverage havingthe final say on the first name, you would be a massive asshole.
YTA. You both have to work together to find names that you both love. It may not be easy or fast but it’s what adults do.
YTA. You know darn well that a middle name is not equal to a first name.
I say this with loveI…I really think you all should get through a couple months of pregnancy before you have this fight over a name.
Also you both need to decide on the name. You can both veto any name the other doesn’t like.
YTA pregnancy and birth without all of the extra struggles you have to endure is still a lot for moms compared to dads. You could use your same logic that only moms get final say.
This is not a hill to die on. You don’t want to have resentment over the kids name between you guys.
YTA, it’s 50/50
I disagree with everyone here👀 me and my husband are partners of course and we did come to a mutual agreement on our daughters name, BUT I birthed the baby, I carried the baby. I feel like the decision should be weighed 80% 20%
Also his mom does NOT get a say!
YTA you’re both the parents. With all the thousands of babies out there two adults should be able to find one you agree on
YTA Neither parent alone should pick a name. It should be a name you both agree on. It took two to make the baby (well really more, an entire team, been there done that) & it takes two to name the baby. Equating the first name pick to the middle name, that you said is irrelevant is apples & oranges.
ESH. The name should be a mutual decision. No one should have final authority over it.
Sorry, but YTA. Both parents should enthusiastically agree on the baby’s first name. I’m currently 34 weeks pregnant with our only male embryo, and my husband’s father passed away when he was a teenager, so it was decided early on that our son’s middle name would be his dad’s first name. I don’t think that means my husband gets any less say in our baby’s first name.
Respectfully, YTA.
Names are a two yeses thing. Find a name you both love
You really should both be on board with the first name.
Maybe Rosalia will grow on him, and maybe it won’t. If it doesn’t, chances are you’ll find another name you love just as much that he either loves or can at least live with.
If you’re struggling to collaborate on something as basic as naming your child, just wait until the real parenting decisions start rolling in. This is a great opportunity to start practicing how to make those choices together.
YTA. Baby names are one of those things where Mom and Dad need to both say yes. No one gets to just arbitrarily say ‘I am deciding’. If you can not pick a name you both agree on that is a bad sign for your relationship and communication skills. The name is the first of about a zillion parenting decisions that you and your partner need to be on the same page about.
NTA. You are the one carrying her for damn near a year, you are the one shoving her out of your vagina or possibly being cut open AND I’m sure tons here will argue with me but you are about to become the PRIMARY parent for the rest of your life. Name her what you want. I looked at my husband and said her name will be Rory and don’t even think of arguing with me. He didn’t! He got middle name pick.
YTA Any name requires unanimous approval from both parents. You and he agreed to the middle name. That doesn’t give you extra credit to unilaterally decide a first name.
I’m sorry you’ve had to deal with so much to have your baby. It must feel like such a heavy weight on your shoulders to be the one taking all the injections and having surgeries. Your body has been going through hell for your family. I can imagine with your MIL dying, you may have lost some of the support you had. Thankfully, new beginnings are in sight.
Your husband made a choice in an emotional moment and while it was against your wishes, it’s such a slight thing. If it gives him some comfort; so be it. That being said, I personally think you should be able to pick the name. You didn’t like having a middle name but you went with it. It’s time for him to agree too.
Hopefully both of you can take a little trip to get away from everything and focus on each other and just enjoying your time. Things have been really tough
NTA
When my husband and I were trying to have a baby we had one conversation.
If I’m carrying that kid, after what it took to get pregnant, and being pregnant and giving birth, I’m naming our child, and the kid has my last name.
He was 100% on board.
NTA
YTA of course no question. You both need to agree and like the name.
ESH
Husband doesn’t get to choose middle name
You don’t get to choose first name
There are two of you
It’s two in agreement for a yes
If one person wants a name it’s obviously no
Get back to the drawing board and put your heads together again
ESH
From the title, YTA.
But you seemed to agree on the no middle name originally, and now he wants one. Compromise could be necessary. (Although, with your judgy “I don’t see the point of middle names,” combined with his ease of promising it…..I wonder if that “agreement” was relatively unilateral on your part).
You don’t have unilateral decision making, but neither does he. So, if you don’t want the middle name, that can be a discussion. If he doesn’t like your choice of first name, that can be a discussion. But the middle name is a tribute to his Mom….and not going to be used very often, while the first name will be used every time he talks to/about your kid.
I feel bad for this kid already.
YTA
>Before she passed, my husband made a promise to her that he would give her first and middle name (Mary + Lynn = Marilyn) as our daughters middle name. We discussed this and I agreed to let him give our daughter a middle name in remembrance of his sweet amazing mama.
and
>I told him I think because he’s decided on the middle name, which I originally didn’t want any of our children to have, that I should be able to have the final say on the first name.
contradict each other. YOU AGREED WITH THE MIDDLE NAME TO HONOR HIS MOTHER. he did not get “final say” or make a unilateral decision like you’re now trying to claim you should get for the first name.
ESH. When he puts his body through hell he can have final say. That being said, he should at least like the name. I think you could get final say as in veto power not just choosing a name you like that he doesn’t.
ESH. Him for making that promise to his mother despite knowing your stance on middle names, and you for what sounds like you essentially saying you get to pick the first name without him because he got the middle name (which you agreed to!). Personally, I don’t see why you can’t use Marilyn as the name. It honours his mother, you both like the name, and it would remove the need to have a middle name.
I’d say NTA because he’s already chosen a name for her and also you’re the one who’s gone through all the physical hardship and will carry the baby. You should both feel positive about the name but I think you have the right to the final say
YTA. And if you can’t agree on something simple like this, please don’t get kids. You’ll make them miserable.
YTA.
Naming a baby is a two yes, one no situation always. The middle name of Marilyn got two yeses. You agreed, it was a mutual decision. The first name should also be a mutual decision.
Respectfully, it sounds like you’re both going to find parenthood rather hard if you’re already arguing over the name enough to come to Reddit.
Names should be a two yeses. You could have said no to the middle name and you wouldn’t have been an AH for it. Saying yes and holding that against him for the first name is YTA.
I would say YTA. You didn’t want a middle name at first but ended up agreeing, so it’s unfair to use that against your husband now.
If you already use the “well I carried the child” to win arguments before the child is even born, parenting will be really hard for your husband.
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YTA my partner and I agreed if I had a girl I’d pick the middle name and if I had a boy he’d get to pick. We still mutually agreed upon the first name our human would be called for the entirety of its life. Took fucking forever but we found one we both liked.
YTA. Names are a two yes situation, period. You two spent so much time, money, and effort to get pregnant… maybe you should have spent some time growing up first. You’re both immature.
So, wait, you are in the middle of IVF treatments and the embryo has not been transferred yet and you are already trying to decide on a name for this miracle baby?
Honestly, I think you need to sit back and wait and relax with finishing the IVF process and get your BFP before you even start this discussion. You have already been through a lot and it’s not over yet! You still have the really bad progesterone shots coming.
And after that, you should wait until you are through the first trimester before even broaching this subject again. Fertility treatments are no joke (I went through them nearly 18 years ago) and I think you need to just chill and make sure that everything is all good with your body and that the baby is happy and growing before getting into it about baby names.
Hope you have a happy and healthy pregnancy and please try to enjoy it as much as you can, cuz you never know if it might be your only one…
> I don’t really see the purpose of a middle name, just seems useless to me
It seems that you conceded to the middle name that you think is useless solely as a bargaining chip to get the name you want as the first name.
Of course it isn’t an even trade because you don’t really care about the “useless” middle name. Your concession on it isn’t really a concession.
YTA
I think NAH, but neither of you are in the right. Baby names are tricky, especially when someone’s already committed on part of the name. The safest approach is to aim for two “yeses” – either parent has veto power. If neither is willing to compromise, take turns suggesting new names.
I’m not sure if it will affect your decision, but there is a Pokémon by the very similar name “Roselia”. It’s not associated with anything bad AFAIK, but it might be something to consider – kids will make the connection and might use it as bullying fuel. Or, they could be cool about it; who knows.
I think not having a middle name is weird. I mean, at least as an American.
YTA. There’s SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO many names out there. Fucking find one that both of you like.
YTA
You agreed to the middle name without condition. You can change that now and use it as leverage to get what you want.
YTA: You compromised on the middle name. That doesn’t mean you get free reign to pick the first name. This is not the hill to die on. Do you really want your husband to have negative associations with his own daughter’s name. This could fester.
Both agree on whatever you both agree to name her.
ESH because he made a promise without you there. But, respectfully, you’re not even half pregnant, is this a fight worth having at all? Have twins and give them your preffered names, one eash. They don’t even go together (now I’m being an AH)
YTA. You gotta both agree on the first name.
YTA. You pushed for “No middle names” because you felt they “aren’t important.” Your husband initially agreed with this assessment and choice, and then a very traumatic thing occurred and all of a sudden, for him, a middle name became VERY important. You and he both discussed the matter of the middle name and you agreed that your daughter should have the middle name of his choosing. Something that you once regarded as “not important” suddenly became important, and I think it would be really stubborn and assholish for you to dig your heels in and suggest that your husband has surrendered his say in choosing a first name because something happened to change his perspective on the relative importance of a middle name.
YTA Everyone knows naming a child needs both parents to say yes to a name.
Your reasoning is that he picked the middle name, but you said yourself you don’t see the point of middle names.
The first name is so much more important.
YTA, You are already keeping score, having a child shouldn’t be about who did what and when, and “I gave birth so what I say goes” where does it end? You pick the school? You get priority on medical decisions?
Man lost his mother, bend a little or don’t over the middle name but don’t use it as a gotcha on the first name. Pick a name you both like and stop keeping score
I’ll speak as someone who has done multiple rounds of IVF. It IS a LOT on the woman and it’s not fair. However, just because it was harder for you two to get pregnant doesn’t mean that you automatically get first name rights.
From what you shared, you agreed to the middle name. You were not clear if he promised this without talking to you first. If he didn’t get permission first, he’s an AH. However, grief makes people emotional and not logical. So he gets a pass if he really only would go ahead with your permission.
Regardless, he deserves to be an equal participant in the first name. That’s the name she’ll go by. I have tons of names i didn’t get to use because my husband didn’t like them. He has names he didn’t get to use because i didn’t like them.
Parenting is about compromise and being on the same page, not keeping score and “you did this so i get to do that.” You’re being unfair and probably emotional with your transfer coming up.
Also, this might be a little too real for you, but don’t count your chickens before they’re hatched. I wish all the wishes in the world that this transfer works and you get your baby girl, but she’s not here yet and you have at least 9 months before you need a name. This is a fight for another time, that hopefully you can pause and take back up as a discussion instead.
Gentle YTA
Make a list! My hubby and I just made a top 10 list and chose from the names that matched.
YTA. You’re rationalizing that he got one name so you get one, but that’s not what happened. You didn’t care if they had a middle name, so you lost nothing when you agreed to using his mother’s name. You both need to love the name of your child. And on a side note, tit for tat is a terrible philosophy in a marriage
I honestly cant believe you are fighting about naming an embryo that’s not implanted yet and is not a baby and youre not pregnant. I say this as someone who went thru IVF, so I understand the anxiety, the work and the excitement but come on.. at least wait until this embryo takes. Even then, there is a lot that goes on after the first positive BETA. Be hopeful for sure but unfortunately ypur one PGT tested embryo is not a baby yet.Other than this being far premature, YTA. You dont get to unilaterally decide a first name even if you agreed on a middle name.
As someone who has gone through a lot of what you’ve been through. Wait. Let the pregnancy take, let the fetus grow and develop, AND let your hormones calm down (as much as they can while pregnant), BEFORE you start insisting on names. YTA if you start mandating major decisions to your partner before you’re even pregnant.
First, I sympathize with parents struggling with names. It is so darn hard, especially when you love one but your partner doesn’t. Both of us have some of those after naming ours, but ultimately the name we both loved fits her perfectly.
So gently YTA.
If it helps, we did an app where we could separately go through names then see a list of ones we both liked. We wrote those on two sets of cards and separately picked our top 50%. Compared again and kept one we both chose. Each time we agreed on being able to bring back one rejected name.
Then we just repeated it until we had one. Which ironically was one of his that I rejected earlier but that grew on me!
Good luck and congratulations!
NTA Your husband added and chose a middle name without including you. I doubt he would listen if you vetoed his choices.
Choose the first name from the list.
Nta. You can put whatever name you want on the birth certificate. Just make sure to tell the nurses that you and only you can add the name to it. He can just sign his name.
Baby names with both parents involved is two yes for the name, 1 no to veto the name. I used my veto quite a lot with my son’s dad who was all into trendy new age names, and not thinking about naming a future adult. I jumped on the first tolerable one he said.
You are naming a future adult.
But more – this discussion comes well past the first trimester. You aren’t there yet.
Now, in American culture, middle names are helpful for people who dislike their first name, or it gets some sort of cultural significance which is negative, and there is another name right there to use without the hassle and expense of name changing. Middle names aren’t bad, and are helpful, like in the way of honoring relatives.
Going against the majority to say NTA. My husband picked our daughter’s middle name and I picked her first one. If he arbitrarily picked a middle name after you agreed not to have one, then you should be able to pick the first name.
He’s right. I think you’re trying to make an issue where there shouldn’t be one. Almost like your punishing him for choosing a middle name? I don’t think it’s fair. You already said you wouldn’t name her something he didn’t agree with, so why push it to this? Just so you say you have the decision? It should be a 2 yes, 1 no. Do this together. You’re not being fair.
YTA. Naming a kid is 2 yes 1 no. I did read your entire post but honestly all of that is irrelevant because one parent should never have the final say when it comes to names. It’s a team effort.
YTA the middle name is rarely used. Names and especially the first name should be chosen together.
NTA.
He picked the second name when he made that promise to his mother. I’m saying this as someone who has lost their mother.
He picked one, you pick the other and it’s fair.