I (30F) recently married my husband (38M), who has a 12 year old daughter, let’s call her Eve, from a previous relationship. I’m currently 40 weeks pregnant and scheduled for induction the very next day after the situation I’m about to describe.
Yesterday was Eve’s birthday. My husband planned a small dinner at the last minute. He texted me while I was at the lake walking with my two sons (J, 11 and B, 8) to try and encourage labor naturally. Even though I was exhausted and had already made plans for the day, I agreed to attend the dinner with my boys to support him and his daughter.
What my husband didn’t do was plan anything beyond the dinner. So no gift, no card, no heads-up about what the plan was beyond just eating out. Out of kindness (and because I personally don’t believe in showing up empty-handed), I stopped at a few stores, got pink (Fav color) tissue paper, gift bags, a gift card to Qdoba (one of Eve’s favorites), and a couple of small thoughtful items. All in all, I spent around $60 on gifts. Dinner ended up costing $140, which we paid.
When I was writing the card, I included everyone’s name—mine, my husband’s, and my sons’ because I assumed this was a joint effort and wanted her to know it was from our family.
Fast forward to 10PM that night (I’m still out grabbing last-minute items for the hospital), and my husband gets a phone call from his daughter’s mother. She asks if that was all he got Eve for her birthday. And instead of standing by me or simply explaining it was a family gesture, he says:
“That wasn’t from me. My wife got her that.”
I was stunned. It felt like he completely threw me under the bus. It also made me feel like my efforts weren’t just unappreciated—they were disrespected. I told him it was completely inappropriate for her mother to call that late, especially over something like this, and that it’s his responsibility to set boundaries. Why does she feel so entitled to question what we do in our household?
I also told him that since my gift wasn’t “good enough,” and there was no appreciation from anyone involved, I won’t be spending time, energy, or money on future gifts. In other words, never again will I get her sh*t. I didn’t have to do any of it—I did it because I care and wanted to be supportive, despite being 40 weeks pregnant.
So, Reddit…
AITAH for writing his name on the card, getting upset at him for how he handled the situation, telling him I won’t be buying gifts for his daughter going forward & telling him to fix his boundary issue with his child’s mother?
Comments
NTA. In fact, your actions show grace, generosity, and a level of selflessness that’s beyond what should be expected, especially considering you’re literally about to give birth.
You are going to punish the kid because her parents have unreasonable discussions/policies about the gifts someone else gives? Wouldn’t you be better off having a relatinship with the kiddo and ignore the nonsense from the ex? Gentle yta – to yourself – for letting this “you’re in the middle” nonsense get to you.
I feel like you are pregnant and you get a pass on being upset… I feel like he said the right thing
The gift wasn’t from him it was just from you. It doesn’t make you look bad. It makes him look bad. The situation is weird. Why weren’t you part of the dinner to start with? I don’t know how long you’ve been married but you guys are supposed to be a team
He’s lazy and lack of backbone. The mother or daughter or both are just entitled. You should put better effort into his daughter’s birthday. If they are gonna treat you like a spare person, then you’re not obligated to do anything for them.
NTA, but your husband sucks. Both as a father and husband. He didn’t get his daughter anything for her birthday and then threw you under the bus when his greedy ex questioned the gift YOU got?! The absolute audacity of this man. I would still get the daughters gifts if you want, it would show you care about her in spite of the drama her parents create, but never put your husband’s name on the card again. He can sink or swim with his own gifts and effort from now on.
NTA Husband just let his ex know once again that he is not responsible enough to even buy his daughter a gift while you stepped up for her. He didn’t make you look bad.
YTA yes you may have spent some money but bar that you did not invest time and energy here. Not one little bit.
Its her birthday, gifts and plans should’ve been made well in advance. Its unclear if step daughter ws happy and said thanks for the meal.
But her and her birthday were not well thought out and planned. So yeh,t “thanks for making a token last minute effort for my birthday” seems the most you could hope to get. I’d be absolutely gutted in her shoes.
You put in minimal thought and effort. Energy for a walk but not for her birthday. And her dad’s a useless muppet for not getting her a present and doing something fun and exciting for her birthday. The poor kids was barely an afterthought here, and her mum has a problem with that – fair enough.
Do better
NTA
Blended families can be tricky to navigate. Boundaries are necessary when it comes to co parenting with ex partners.
Your husband shouldn’t have thrown you under the bus with Eve’s mother. He expected you to deal with the gifts whether he admits to it or not. I doubt this was the first time you picked up the slack for him with his daughter.
It is fair of you to expect that unless it’s an emergency that reasonable hours to call be respected as far as Eve’s mom is concerned.
It is also fair that your husband makes sure that any gifts etc he does for his daughter is on his own unless you agree otherwise. He can’t rely on you to remind him of things or pick up slack.
He has a phone with a calendar app. He can set reminders about gifts etc.
If you get Eve gifts make sure it’s just from you. Heck I would let her mom know ahead of time so he can’t throw you under again
You’re heavily pregnant and don’t need the drama.
If this is how he is w his daughter why would you think it’s a great idea to have a child w this man?
NTA. Your daughter’s mother is. And your husband is for not standing up to her. Tell him that she can’t call that late. Your husband needs to be reminded that he needs to support and defend you 100% of the time.
You are NTA, but your Husband and his Ex absolutely are.
Your Husband should have been more organized planning his daughters Birthday, especially considering you are about to give birth any second. He shouldn’t have been letting you know about this a few hours before it happens, and also expect you to pick up a gift. He should have picked up a gift and card way before this!
Also he needs to set some boundaries with his ex, about not calling at 10:00pm and complaining about nothing. Was his daughter upset over the gift or just the mother? Such a lame thing to complain about, especially that late at night. That woman sounds like a piece of work!
Also don’t punish the kid for irresponsible parents!
I’m curious if 38 years old husband really not get his 12 year old a birthday gift???
Also in the future if you change your mind on the gift thing I would only write your own name.
NTA – Of course not. The only thing I would say is don’t punish the stepdaughter because her parents are AHs. But, definitely stop putting his name on anything that you decide to do for her. And emphasize that it is only from you.
NTA. He gets an idea last minute, leaves you to pick up the pieces, and let’s you take the flak? And what is with the kids’ mother acting like that? People who are ungrateful don’t deserve special consideration.
I am so sick of these “blended” family stories with one on the way (always!) despite the fact that they haven’t sorted out the relationships with the existing kids. My parents weren’t awesome, but thank god I never had a stepmother
pregnant by a cowardly man with a terrible ex. lmao good luck.
So your dear husband did nothing but pick up the dinner tab and if not for you, there would have been no gift or card for his daughter? Wow, what a prize you married! I feel really bad for his daughter, your kids and the one you’re about to have. What a crap father/stepfather they have! Why did you marry such a lazy obnoxious man?
I don’t understand what the issue is. He said you got the gift for her, and you did. That shows that you did more for her than her own father did. Was more said than “is that all you got her?” to your husband? He didn’t get her anything so I think the mother’s issue would be his lack of gift.
NTA for not planning to make any further effort in the future regarding gifts.
NTA your husband through his pregnant wife under the bus to his ex. I would be pissed at him.
This is on your husband. The girls mother knows your husband very well. She took one look at that gift and knew damn well her ex did nothing for his daughter. Now she was wrong. Don’t be ungrateful. Many times in marriage the wife buys the gift and it’s from them both. His ex has no business saying how your family gets a gift for Eve. You tell husband he tells his ex this is none of your business what we got her.
NTA but I wouldn’t let his daughter suffer. I view step parenting to be someone who is supportive and welcoming. That kid is going through a lot with split parents and it sounds like they aren’t making it any easier. Be the stable one in her life.
NTA. So husband essentially admitted to ex that HE got his daughter NOTHING? How embarrassing for him.
Esh – so you guys never discussed her birthday before? I mean you obviously did more than he did, but wtf.
If the kid was hurt because of the obvious lack of effort her father made for her birthday, it’s not surprising her mom called to talk about it with your husband. He sucked big time.
I don’t think either of you sound great. The way you wrote it sounds very us/them. And who blames a kid for what her mother does?
The fact that you’re pregnant doesn’t give you a pass on the fact that you have a daughter now.
He did nothing and you picked up the ball and got disrespected. Next time, it is all on him. If your child has the same birthday as your child, your participation is optional.
Your husband sure is a shitty parent. Good luck on making him a parent again.
Nta but I feel like the mom knew it was only from you and was asking you husband specifically if that’s was really all that HE did .
Wait so he got nothing admits it and your the bad guy ????
NTA. I think what you did was kind and generous. Your husband, ex and stepdaughter need to learn some manners.
NTA but you need to very clearly communicate with your husband that all of this was not okay from the beginning. He needs to check with you about plans before the day of. He sounds selfish. Reevaluate this relationship.
Nta i think rhe mother was pissed that her father didn’t get her anything maybe she isnt as mad at you as you think she is
He didn’t throw you under the bus. He threw himself under the bus. As a parent I’m quite disgusted by your husband. A dinner out is NOT a gift. That’s just the celebration. He dropped the ball. You got her a gift. It was thoughtful. But he should have gotten her something nice and spent more money since it’s his bio daughter. When you have your child you know you will spend far more than $60. This is not on you, this is on your husband. You’re fine. He just showed his ex, he didn’t even try. I’d call her, and tell her you realized last minute he did not get anything and you were not about to show up empty handed, so you rushed on the way to dinner. Throw him back under the bus. Ask mom if there is something she didn’t get on her birthday that she would like. This might set a good relationship between two of you. Make your husband get it.
She is 12, she got a nice dinner and a gift. Wtf else does she want? A lipgloss??
NTA.
Also, be prepared for more of the same from this idiot man people seem to have babies with.
So how long did it take for Eve and her mother to realize Daddy Dearest didn’t get a single gift or a card for his child?
I feel sorry Eve has to live with being an afterthought to her father, but I hope the shit hit the fan when that realization dawned.
Yes, your husband definitely threw you under the bus.
It’s also possible his ex-wife realized that the only effort was from you, and she called to try to call him out for him not doing anything. I’m not saying that that’s the case, but it’s something to consider.
NTA.
WTF is wrong with your husband?
How long have either of you known a birthday was coming up?
Hmmm a lot of things wrong here but I think that to your husband’s ex you look better than he does in this situation.
I think that your husband isn’t being as considerate as he should be in this situation with your pregnancy. I think that you are showing what is probably a pattern of trying to take care of everything 100% while your husband puts in his 25% effort.
I think that your husband’s ex probably already knows exactly who he is. I think that your husband’s ex is probably complaining to your husband because maybe she feels that he doesn’t do enough and she was thinking that he would at least do a bit more for her birthday. Now she might be an ungrateful person but without context I cannot say. Your husband quickly without even thinking just blurted out that he wasn’t even the one to buy the gift not realizing that this means that he didn’t buy anything. There is also a small chance that he felt like he was standing up for you by what he said and I can see it from that angle also.
I would just drop it for now since you are pregnant and have a lot to worry about but this whole pattern is probably not going anywhere anytime soon.
I actually feel like what he said make you look good..
Well…it was from you? Did he know you put his name on the card? He didn’t throw you under the bus. He admitted he didn’t get her a gift. He threw himself under the bus. Did your stepdaughter complain? From what you’ve said your stepdaughter has done nothing but now you’re never getting her a birthday present again.
I need more context. Do you and your husband share finances? If yes, is $60 all you spend on your kids for their birthday? It was wrong for your husband not get gifts for his own kid for sure. Does he buy gifts for your kids. I grew up in a divorced home, and my mom and step dad treated us all the same, his kids, my half brother, and my sister and I. They spent the same on birthdays and holidays. On my dad’s side we had a step monster who was horrible to us. Their son go WAY more in every way, vacations, gifts, car, etc… And our Dad quit paying child support when I was still in elementary school. So I saw both sides of it. While your hubby is definitely at fault for not planning ahead, you were also aware her birthday was coming up and when you marry someone you assume a role in their child’s life. I feel like you may have some red flags too.
So I think more information is needed before determining if you A are TAH but your hubby is for sure because he didn’t make sure his kid was planned for.
NTA. He was scared of judgement from his ex so he blamed you for it. He should really take a look at that and figure out why. You’re literally full term and went to pick up a gift. Screw her.
Why would you punish an innocent kid for the bad behavior of her parents? That make yta. She is the one getting hurt.
updateme ’cause I wanna know that OP and baby are safe and healthy!
ETA NTA you went beyond. You were thoughtful and generous and already juggling too many plates for two hands.
Husband is a lazy tool.
Your take on this situation is interesting because in reading your words, I’m taking it very differently. When SD’s mother called her ex, YOUR husband, asking if that’s all he got his daughter, yes, he threw you under the bus, but he proved in that moment, HE GOT HIS OWN DAUGHTER NOTHING.
This is the man you procreated with, and are about to give birth to his child. You think this is a good man? Wonder how his next wife will treat YOUR kid.
SD’s mom is not in the wrong here, there’s no boundary she crossed. She knows your husband better than you do. Of course you paid for dinner, (and did you really think that was part of the ‘gift’? You’re really bad at this, really really bad.) because a 12year old isn’t going to pay for her own birthday dinner, and for all of you, and frankly, your behavior is so AHish toward a 12yo little girl, it’s bad. Real bad. This is evil stepmonster territory, and your whole outlook here, and anyone ok with it, is heinous.
YTA. And so is your husband.
NTA and in fact your husband looks like a total turd for not getting his daughter a gift. Your gift was perfect and thoughtful but it wasn’t from him. He was correct about that.
Yeah YTA. if it was her birthday this should have been planned in advance instead of you complaining it’s so last minute. So you didn’t get her a card or present before hearing there would be a dinner? Why not? I had a wicked stepmother like you – she married my dad when I was 17 and my youngest sister 12. She told him we needed a mother but she wasn’t going to be it. She cut us out of his life like it sounds like you’re going to do. You say you got a gift because you love her and yet if no one is appreciative “enough” you won’t be doing it again – that’s not love. If she wasn’t a stepdaughter and his first wife wasn’t involved how would you treat her? How would you want someone to treat your son? Kids that age aren’t always that appreciative- if you’re mad at your husband – take it out on him, not his kids. Sounds like you and your husband both need to grow up. And stop counting every penny you spend on his kids – that’s gross.
This has to be fake…it doesn’t make sense. He didn’t throw anyone but himself under the bus. He literally got her nothing if he says only YOU got her $60 worth of gifts. It shows he’s a crappy father. I don’t know what he hoped to accomplish by saying that? I think the AI really doesn’t understand how humans interact or basic coherency.
In the off chance it’s real…ESH. You’re mad over something that makes you look like the hero when he’s the villain. AND he should definitely shut the ex down. But still calling this fake.
In some families, birthdays are an excuse to get a child something they really want that’s just too expensive for a “just because” gift. I’m thinking pricey video games, expensive sneakers, etc. If that’s the case, usually the parents have a discussion, decide on the gift and, in the case of separation or divorce, decide who will pay what and who will give the gift. If the ex was expecting a grand gesture, she should have let your husband know. Obviously, she either didn’t or he didn’t care. You are not the AH.
>“That wasn’t from me. My wife got her that.”
With the unspoken: “I didn’t get her jack shit.”
I don’t see how this makes you look bad. You’re the only one who actually got her a gift for herself alone. I wouldn’t let what ex-wife says keep me from being kind to Eve, if Eve herself is appreciative.
NTA. You put in way more work and love than anyone else. A simple thanks isn’t too much to ask. If they can’t even do that, let them sort out their own birthdays next time. You’ve got a baby coming; you’re busy!
I’m sorry could someone realistically explain how the daughter’s mom is an asshole? All she did was ask if that was all that was gotten for their daughter… Gonna go out on a limb and say there’s probably a history of dad not doing enough for his daughter, and she probably had a feeling he wasn’t responsible for this gift. For all we know, the daughter realized what happened – that this was all last minute and was understandably upset and vented to her mom.
I was never a spoiled child, but I know at 12 I was still getting multiple gifts. It’s not unreasonable for the daughter to have hurt feelings, and for mom to want clarification.
I don’t agree completely with either parent. OP is not the asshole, but I think she may have struck a nerve. Why didn’t your husband communicate with you or make any effort to give her a nice gift on her birthday? What you did was lovely and thoughtful, but I’m guessing the kid knew it was all you. Maybe she didn’t want to express that in front of you for the very reason you are hurt now. Unfortunately, ex-wife blew it up.
NAH: I get it but the daughter did nothing wrong, a better way to handle it is to get your husband and MIL nothing when their birthdays come or better yet act like everything is fine and let husband fail at MIL’s birthday
NTA but don’t punish the daughter. She is 12 and probably pushing boundaries. It sounds like she’s disappointed about the lack of gifts from her father (and rightly so) but you did a nice thing to try cover for him and she didn’t see it as from you, she has seen her father doing a crap job and not paying attention to her birthday. Learn from this and tell him he needs to do better. 12 year olds expects gifts not just a meal. He needs to step up and either give you money to buy her something more substantial or do it himself. But please don’t punish the daughter for her lack of appreciation. Don’t let this shape your relationship with her going forward.
NTA
Your husband didn’t bother to get anything for his child, and he threw you under a bus when he was questioned by his child’s greedy ex? NTA. His child would have gotten nothing except a last-minute dinner if you hadn’t been gracious and thoughtful and bought her what you had.
NTA – you went above and beyond to get what you did, it was thoughtful bits you knew she’s like (!| her mother sounds hella ungrateful)
At 40w pregnant I likely wouldn’t have got anything and left the weak ass husband to explain to the ex, leave all future gifts to him to sort out