still hesitating posting this but pretty sure some of you could help me with my problem. I have been married to my husband for quite some time already. His mom is in early 70s and starting to have some health issues. Nothing super serious yet but it’s clear that more care might be needed in the future. Lately my husband has been making these offhand comments about her moving in with us eventually. Stuff like, when she moves in, we’ll need to clear out the guest room or you can help with her meds since you work from home. It’s always said casually but it’s adding up and I’m starting to feel like he just expects me to become her full-time caregiver when the time comes. So I finally told him straight up that I’m not okay with that. I love his mom and I want to make sure she’s safe and taken care of but I’m not willing to be the one doing it all. I didn’t marry him thinking I’d be taking on a nurse’s role. I suggested we look into options down the line like assisted living or in-home care. Whatever makes sense when it’s needed but I made it clear that I’m not going to be the one carrying the full load.
He didn’t say much at first, but later he told me I was being selfish and cold. I do care. I just also care about my own limits. I don’t want to end up resenting anyone because I was pushed into something I didn’t agree to. Now things at home are tense and I’m wondering if I came off harsher than I meant to. What should I do??
Comments
It’s okay to care about his mom and still not want to be her primary caregiver. Love doesn’t mean self-sacrifice without limits. Maybe try revisiting the conversation with empathy but firmness—this is a team decision, not just his call.
NTAH
You hit the nail on the head. He is exactly grooming you to be his mother’s caregiver.
You married a partner, not signed up to be a caregiver. He’s making plans for you without asking, and you’re just being honest about your limits. That’s healthy, not cold. Better to be clear now than bitter later
NTA she will be better cared by a professional, and you are working, so you haven’t plenty of time.
That decision should be a couple decision, not one taken by him sorely.
NTA. As far as what you should do? You should sit down with him and have a serious conversation about this. Find out exactly what he has in mind then go from there. If he just expects you to be her primary caregiver then you need to fully shut that down. Set your boundaries now!
NTA. Being a full-time carer to an elderly and sick loved one is hard. My MIL did it for her mum and is adamant she will go into a nursing home because she doesn’t want to put her kids through that.
NAH. This is complicated and something you just need to sit down and hash out.
His POV: this is my mother who cared for and raised me. she can move in with us and be safe and healthy. shell need minimal care and it makes sense for her to move in.
Your POV: shes only 70 and might have to live with us for another 20-30 years. she will deteriorate and requite more care. i dont want us to take her on while we are making out own family. we are going to be stuck in this forever if she moves in now
You both need to be heard and agree that its a “two yes, one no” situation. I’m very much on your side.
You didn’t come off as harsh. You just told him the truth.
Keep insisting because he’s probably mentioning it just as casually to his mother. Keep shutting him down. NTA.
but him being her carer isn’t something he has contemplated? Its a responsibility but somebody else’s responsibility/?
Ask him to lay out what duties he’d be responsible for…
NTA. You didn’t sign up to be a full-time caregiver, and the fact that he’s dropping hints instead of having an actual conversation says a lot.
Tbh I’d consider asking him if he intends to be her caregiver instead. He cannot make you be her caregiver, but he can be the one to do so for his mother.
NTA, you can support her if you want but so should he. You can make a plan taking into account both of your schedules and make him responsible for say morning or evening baths, breakfast or diner, exercise or physical therapy given that he’s stronger and better suited for those tasks.
Have a conversation of every contingency and expectations and if he’s still stubborn or angry he definitely means you to be full-time caregiver and should consider what that means for you.
NTA you’re being selfish? HE doesn’t want to care for his own mother but HE doesn’t want to look back to family and friends so HE has decide to sacrifice YOU so that HE looks like a caring son whilst doing nothing.
NTA. Absolutely not! Especially since you have a career too???? No way.
Perhaps you feel like he is giving all the work to you and in reality he also does work for his mother? If he wants you to split the work because it’s getting too overwhelming to himself and you say no, that’d probably hurt him. And if you think he is giving you all the work, you can tell your husband that you want to split it up and you feel overwhelmed otherwise. But I definitely understand your husbands perspective. It’s his mother after all, and he values her. That’s why he wants her mom to get taken care of, so saying that you don’t want to do any work at all for his mother, shows him that you don’t value her as much as he does, and perhaps he takes that as an insult
The fact that he didn’t ask and is just expecting you to do that is wild, but not surprising knowing men. If you are not enthusiastically volunteering for the role then you should not be expected to do it. There are plenty of lovely assisted living places where she would have a great life and receive better care than she would at home. Those places also have a lot to her to do so she isn’t just sitting around lonely and bored all day. NTA. Please don’t let him do this to you
NTA. You’re not being selfish you’re being honest about your limits, and that’s so much healthier than silently building resentment. Love doesn’t mean sacrificing your well-being or becoming a caregiver by default. It’s completely fair to say, I care about your mom, but I’m not equipped to take on full-time care. You’re not rejecting her you’re setting realistic expectations. His feelings are valid too, but this should be a joint decision, not an unspoken assumption. Keep the conversation open, and maybe look at care options together to find common ground.
I think you are absolutely right. You already have a job, you do not take on a role of two nurses to care for HIS mum. It always surprises me how someone else allocates your time. If he wants that he can make arrangements so he can do it himself! ( but even then do you want her to move in like that? Assisted living would be a better option?
Updateme
NTAH. You stated a boundary, you gave him an option. This is something that you should both decide as a couple. Besides, its better if a professional takes care of her.
NTA
No. And draw the boundary right now. You’re right and he shouldn’t expect you to do that.
NTA nope, no.
Firstly, working from home does not equate to not working, plus it takes time, energy, experience and a strong desire to be a full time unpaid carer.
Secondly, that is a HUGE ask and many people are not willing or able to do that for their own parents let alone inlaws
If HE wants to care for his mother, that’s his shout.
You are not a free nursemaid, nor does he get to move her in without your agreement.
Can she not remain where she is and have carers visit daily to help with meds etc?
I had a similar problem with my mother in law, she was already living with us ‘to help with the kids’ while in fact I was also taking care of her on top of the kids. Care didn’t go beyond cooking meals and doing laundry, that I was already doing it for the kids anyways.
Then she started having some serious health issues and needed more care. She was assuming that, since I was the woman, I was expected to take on that role. I sat my husband down and I told him in no uncertain terms that she was HIS mother and HE had the obligation of taking care of her. I already had two preschoolers to take care of and that was all I could give. He had to step up 🤷🏻♀️.
NTA
Taking care of an elderly person is not the easiest task in the world! It helps tremendously if the person is generally good natured and friendly! I cared for my dad for about 15 years before his passing. He was good natured and friendly and all of my friends really liked him. He was just a couple of weeks away from 90 when he passed. I miss him so much still- -23 years later.
Is he an only child? Here’s an idea call one of the home health care places in the area and ask them how much it would be for a caregiver day and night the hourly rate is different from day shift to night shift and tell him that’s how much he’s going to have to pay you. My sister gets $200 a night from 6:00 p.m. to 7:00 a.m.
I had this discussion with my husband before we married. I made it clear that she would never live with us. His mother has an undiagnosed personality disorder and would bring oodles of lies and drama.
There are nursing homes for a reason. Many are very nice with activities, healthcare etc.
Put your foot down. He’s not the one that would be bearing the brunt of her care.
He’d come home in the evening just long enough to make some nice chit chat with her.
Meanwhile you’d be doing all the work, while trying to do your day job.
Foot down.
Unless he’s planning to build a separate inlaw suite and quit his job to look after her. I would be a hard no.
No you’re not at all. He also likely knows nothing of what care involves and how this goes over time. Does he expect you to shower dress toilet change continence aids meds feed for example. There is a little care.. and there is someone needing full care support. A plan and discussing what things will look like at this stage or that stage and being on the same page is vital. If he is not willing to do the above. Then not sure why he thinks you should be. The siblings really should also be discussing this as a family. Not just your husband assuming you are the nurse carer of their elderly mother. Most people would feel the same as you and he is being totally unreasonable in his expectation’s.
NTA. How dare your husband call you selfish! He’s the selfish one. He expects you to take care of his mother while juggling working from home. Perhaps he hasn’t accepted that she will require more care than just a few pills as her health declines or perhaps it suits him to downplay the sacrifice you will be required to make.
You will be responsible for organizing medical appointments and taking her to those appointments during your workday. She’s not a pot plant and will need meals, conversation, perhaps supervision throughout your workday. Who will be getting out of bed during the night if she needs assistance? More laundry, more cooking, more cleaning. Do not be coerced into this stressful, exhausting, no-win role.
Help him write his CV for a work from home job so he can do the meds himself.
NTA. His parent, his responsibility. Why is it on you just because you work from home to help her out. He should work from home and help her out if he’s that concerned. I wouldn’t be bothered by her moving in, but if you’re both working, I’d get carers or nurses in to do that during the day as you’re still workinnggggg
NTAH. My mil also lives with us due to medical issues. But I have stated outright his mother is his responsibility. I work, take care of our child, have my own elderly relatives that check in on, and other responsibilities. I can’t be his mom’s nurse too.
Honestly NTA
You’re not here to be his mothers care giving
Taking care of her sometimes is a different thing but your partner is clearing grooming you into becoming her caregiver
NTA. I see people who experience care taker burnout through my job. And it is not fun or okay for your husband to assume that you should just be okay taking on that role. There are so many things at play here like stereotypical, gross gender roles regarding women being care takers. He can take care of his mom too. And reading your other comments that there are other siblings… that’s a hell nah.
Ask him if he would drop his job to take care of her.
Ask him if would pay you/pay into your pension saving in case you took a pay cut while taking care of her.
Ask him if he thinks it takes a vagina to take care of his mother.
NTA But he for sure is sexist if he thinks you are the selfish one here.
NTA
I recently had the same conversation with my husband. He lost a parent last year, and the remaining parents moved to live closer to us. That parent advised that they were moving closer to spend more time with us but absolutely not to provide childcare or dog-sitting services (this had been a problem when parent lived near husband’s sister). I said that was fine, I’m glad we’re putting cards on the table, because I do not have it in me to be an elder care provider. I will help to find the right support, in fact I’ll fight tooth and nail for it. But I am not equipped for personal care.
NTA, I won’t take care of my own mother, and I sure as heck won’t take care of my man’s mother. You made him mad by telling him you won’t be his servant. Either he finds her a home, or he can take care of her himself, in the apartment he will be living in when you divorce his backside!!!
NTA “I love her but she is not my mom. She is your mom and she is your responsibility. You don’t get to meet your responsibility by getting me to do all the work. There are multiple options and all need to be explored. You don’t get to just choose that one that is easiest for you”
NTA
But, so you know, if she moves in he will offload her care onto you. Your approval wasn’t considered in the first place, no way is he going to suddenly realize he was unfairly burdening you.
In his mind, you’re home… you take care of mom. It’s not a discussion or debate. That’s why you’ve never been asked and it wasn’t discussed. You were informed. He’s cold because he didn’t expect you to argue. He expected you to lay down and do what you were told.
His behavior is a massive red flag and you need to get a handle on it now or he’s moving mom in and you’ll end up her full time carer. He won’t do it. He won’t pay to have someone else do it. You’ll feel bad when she struggles or needs help… And slowly you’ll just do it all eventually.
NTA
You don’t have to care for her. That’s your right.
NTA I would make it clear if he moves his mom in you are getting a divorce. I know that sounds extreme OP but your husband has zero respect for your career, your time & your opinion. He isn’t willing to sacrifice HIS career to care for HIS mother. He doesn’t care about what you want or your mental health. Now his plan is to ice you out until you crack and he gets his way.
Yeah, no, shut that down hard. I’m willing to tighten our budget to throw a bit of money my in-laws’ way to help with in-home care as needed. Sis-in-law lives near them, we are 2 hours away, so she does the vast majority of the running around driving them to appointments etc, husband goes to them once a month to do the “heavy lifting” DIY as needed (but sil’s new BF also helps there, as do their grandkids who live closer). But my husband knows we won’t be having his, or my, parents move in to be looked after by us (he’s already my carer and I am not in a position to physically look after someone else). My own (widowed) mother is 80, lives in another country, owns her own house, and I’ve told my siblings who live closer to her that if she gets to the point that she needs fulltime nursing care, the house (last valued at around $1mil) needs to be sold to fund it. Fuck any inheritance, her care comes first.
NTA
“Aren’t you being selfish expecting me to take care of your mother without asking me first? Or even for expecting someone else to take care of your mother instead doing it yourself as her son? It’s easy to be generous with someone else’s time and energy, except for the fact you don’t actually get to do that. I’m not comfortable with it. It’s okay if you think I’m cold for that. I think it’s hypocritical of you to expect me to sacrifice my time and energy when you aren’t willing to do the same”
NTA. Ask him if he thinks you’re selfish and cold for not wanting to become MILs carer, what does that make him? Her actual son wants to palm his care of? Cruel, selfish, a terrible son for not wanting to look after his mum according to his logic.
NTA. As much as it is nice to be able to work from home you might want to consider finding out if you can change your work location to the office. If that is not possible, start looking for a new job.
Also, consider opening a new account in a different bank and begin to build a contingency fund.
UpdateMe!
“It’s your mum. So if you move her in, YOU will be her nurse. And if you call me anything bad for putting you in your place when you just assumed I’d be the family slave, we will divorce. Your audacity is astounding”
Talk to him about what changes he plans to make in his working life so that he can be his mother’s primary carer.
OP keeps using the term ‘her mother’ in every response . AI got the genders wrong again.
NTA.
‘He didn’t say much at first, but later he told me I was being selfish and cold’
Because you’re a WOMAN and WOMEN are supposed to be ‘natural caregivers’ and there’s something WRONG with you if you don’t happily accept this role no matter what it costs you!
He wouldn’t even be suggesting this if he worked from home and you didn’t. Hold this line.
Is she his mom or her mom?
Your AI might be broken
YTA
NTA. Stay harsh. If MIL needs nursing care, she should be in a place that provides nursing care. Wanting trained carers for MIL is neither cold nor selfish.
WFH is work, and taking time out of your work day to provide care for his mother should not be an option. Would he take his mother to his workplace, and take time out during the day to care for her? And how long does he think his boss would allow this?
Then I guess HE needs to find a remote job so he can stay home and care for her. NTA.
Having been down this road caring for multiple family members on my familys side, the short and sweet is most men dont step up enough (brothers, husbands). Older people know this and expect help from their DILs/daughters. They also know the men often lack sufficient empathy. I feel ive done my duties and already over prioritized my husband’s family. I’m kinda done, and it’s just gonna have to fall primarily on him. He knows this and he’s not gonna do squat, so why should I? (These people have other family/children/grandchildren/$)
Tell him straight up that she’s his mother, thus his responsibility to take care of her. If she comes to live in your home, he will have to quit his job to stay home with her. Also, tell him that when your mother becomes infirm, you will be moving her in as well.
It sounds like this has been his plan all along. Since it’s his mother and his idea, he will be fully responsible for her and all her needs.
Be firm, tell him when his mom moves in, you move out.
Tell him “feel free to move her in, but I will be moving out. I am not a nurse-maid. She’s your mother, you can care for her”
He’s planing on making you a bang-nurse
Nope nope nope
NTAH.
Why does he think it’s okay to push the care onto you? It’s his mother.
Is it because he thinks women should take care of eachother, and he’ll gladly take care of your father, and have him move in too?
Or is it because women are the default care givers, and should just never think of themselves, and love to serve others?
NTA
Why can’t he look after his mum? For the usual simple things ?
It’s really selfish of him to expect you to take on a nursing role when that is not your job.
NTA I found myself in that position unexpectedly, when my MIL had a fall while visiting from interstate and then had a cascade of health issues after. It was literally the worst 11 months and 18 days of my (and our kids’) life to this point. After years of only seeing her for a few weeks a year, it was a crash course in just how different she was when the mask fell.
There was some talk about her staying permanently, but I told my husband that he would have to figure it out if she did, because I was done. I was barely civil to her the last month she was here, and only spoke to her when necessary. I was looking at how to move myself and our kids out of the house, when she finally realised she should go home. She moved herself into a home there rather than come back, because she knew I was not available to help. It took me 3 years to recover from the health issues the stress caused. My kids didn’t even cry when she died.
Like to show I’m not even exaggerating how bad she was – her BEST FRIEND called her a bitch and/or vain no less than 8 times in her eulogy at the church/funeral. Like it was a good thing. She was proud of the fact.
Your husband can find a job where he works from home so he can take care of her. This is not your responsibility, and for him to assume that it is is wild.
You are NTA but you and your husband need to sit down and truly discuss this and make full plans; not passing casual remarks. It may also make sense to include MIL. You also need to discuss care for your parents if either of them may require care. Check to see if MIl has a long term care insurance policy in place that can pay towards a caregiver or nursing home. You need to discuss the finances. Does she have enough money saved for a nursing home, how much does a good one cost per year in your area? Will your husband and any other relatives be able to contribute time and money? Were you planning on getting an inheritance from her and will you be ok if there is no money left to be passed on?
If you or husband become her caregivers look into programs offered by your community for senior daycare. There may also be opportunity for you to take a very basic training class to be an in home care giver and to get paid as her care giver.
NTA
You being her caregiver and her living there are separate issues . Would you be ok with her moving in as long as she had in home care ? This won’t end up being just about giving beds and that’s not fair to you .
Get a job out side of the house then you carnt be a home nurse to his mom lol dose he not have other siblings to take her why dose it have to be you I don’t get on with my mil an defo wouldn’t be looking after her an my hubby knows point blank his dad could come live with us with a home help but his mom on her own she got 8 other kids to help her lol
” If you dont want to put her into a home that will be able to assist properly with her needs, thats fine, but you will need to arrange a daily burse that comes by to assist her during the day. Once again, I am not a carer. I am not qualified nor do I want to be. I may wfh but I am paid to work, not care for someone while my employer thinks I am doing the work required of me. The fact you call me selfish is ironic considering you have made no mention of carrying any of this weight yourself. If you married me just to care for your mother then we have problems. You need to sort something out, I am not the solution. “
NTA
I take care of my grandma. She is 88 and still does most things on her own, but that will probably change. Maybe not today and not tomorrow, but it will.
I do all the stuff around the house, all the cooking, her appointments, everything.
It’s hard. It’s exhausting. And It’s just the beginning!
I would not do that for anyone else.
Your husband just expecting that you take this on, without even talking to you, is mindblowing!
I would have never done that for my ex-mil.
And I would have only said yes to her moving in if there were very firm rules and boundaries in place and everyone knew exactly what to expect.
He is 100% telling you that you are going to become her caregiver. I would tell him that you will no longer be working remote if he brings her to live in your home. He will need to stay in the house to take care of her.
NTAH – That would put you in the 24/7 care giver role just because you work from home. Your husband needs to know how you feel and no, he can not push you into this role. Things may be tense but that is his doing by assuming that you would be ok being forced into that role.
If he wants his mother there then he can get a job working from home and take care of his mother full time.
If you know in your heart that you will not do this it does not make you the AH. Ensure the boundaries are clearly voiced.
NTA! If he’s so insistant of her moving in, HE can take care of her, its his mom after all!
But don’t let her move in. We did that mistake with grandma, and it did not go well!
Ask if he’d be okay with having your mom as well. That’ll shut him up!
I took care of my mother for the past ten years. My husband and I plan to move out of state with his mom and possibly his sister coming along. It will be our house. I’ve already expressed that I will not be doing caregiving like that again. His mom reassured me that when the time comes, she wants to go to AL rather than put that kind of burden on me again.
Absolutely NTA. It could not be more obvious he doesn’t understand what being a caregiver entails. It’s not just a little check in every now and then; making sure they’ve taken their meds, fixing meals. It is a full time job, and can require specialized knowledge if the issues are severe. It’s physically, emotionally, and mentally exhausting. Your husband is being unreasonable in his ignorance.
NTA. Tell your husband you will help with his mum when you can on your days off between any other responsibilities, hobbies and meeting friends.
If she does move in, make yourself scarse that day and pitch up at 8pm asking husband what’s for dinner, set the tone from the off.
NTA. What you should do is tell him in no uncertain terms that you will not be taking his mom in… every single time he mentions it.