I (32F) bought the current starter home at age 22. My husband (33M) moved in about 3 years ago just prior to us getting engaged.
I’ve always considered this to be our and now our 15 month old daughter’s home, even though my husband has never financially contributed to the mortgage.
We are looking to move to a larger house, not because we intend to have additional children but because my husband wants a “man-cave” as well as a WFH office. He also says he wants a large house to host parties just like his childhood home. I support his need for his own space, and also see this potential move as a way to help our daughter get into a better public school jurisdiction.
Yesterday my husband told me that when it comes to signing for the new house it should be only his name on the deed. He believes he could qualify for a first time home buyer and this would save money on closing cost. We would be using the equity in our current home (about $200K)for a down payment, in order to afford the new mortgage.
I told him as a woman I need to protect myself and would not move without my name being included on the home. I told him it would be stupid of me to use the equity in the home I’ve lived in for 10 years and to not have my name on the new home. I mentioned that if something were to happen, or if his feelings for me changed one day that I would be left with nothing.
He became very upset by me saying this. He said my thinking is flawed and I need to go to a therapist to work on why I think like this.
I told him I don’t believe my thought process on this is irrational or flawed and that while I understood that he was offended by my statement, this was a non-negotiable for me.
Additional background: my husband makes the same amount of money as I and he pays the electric bill and half of daycare. He constantly talks about money and saving and has made me cancel subscriptions (like the gym) in the past to save a quick buck. When our daughter needed surgery his first thought was “well how much is this going to cost” while mine was is this surgery needed and safe.
He grew up in a very wealthy family and I grew up lower middle class.
So Reddit… am I the AH?
Comments
So he never help pay the mortgage but you’re using the equity from the home you purchased on your own to put down on the new home, & he doesn’t want your name on it? Aye that mf crazy and disrespectful for even asking that of you.
NTA – what sane person hands anyone 200K and just trusts that it will all work out?
Absolutely NTA.
The only reason he gives you for not wanting your name on the title is to save money on closing costs?
You are not. He is the one that needs therapy. I feel he is setting you up for feeling he is owner of the house you just live there. Otherwise why would it be a big deal you want to be on the house if you both have stable incomes?
If he refuses to put your name on mortgage , refuse to use your equity.
NTA at all. You’ve put years into your current home and would be using your equity to help buy the new one. It’s completely reasonable to want your name on the deed. Honestly, it would be stupid not to. His excuse about saving on closing costs doesn’t justify leaving you legally unprotected. The fact that he called your thinking flawed and suggested therapy just for looking out for yourself is a major red flag. You’re not being irrational, you’re being smart.
Girl, reread what you just wrote! He gets all the benefits and you get nothing!
NTA
If he doesn’t want your name on the new house then he’ll just have to save up the down payment without using your house equity, which shouldn’t be hard considering how little bills he pays. You can move into his house and rent out yours for extra income.
I’d also make sure your will puts your house in a trust for your daughter. So if something happens to you and he remarries your house will go to your kid without issue.
closing costs with a first time home buyer credit are not significantly different. Perhaps 1% differential, but lets say 2% for this dicussion. Why in the world would you give anyone 200K unless your name was on a deed regardless of gender.
Nope. I would never do what he is asking. In fact I would make a serious argument that you are now comingling assets that you had before the marriage. That 200K the moment you buy that house becomes 100% maritial property. Right now, that 200K is not fully martial property if you were to divorce today (depending on a few factors and state, you should inquire with an attorney).
Do NOT and I mean this do NOT use the equity in your home to put as a down payment on this home. He has not paid ANYTHING into that home nor saved you any money so you can add more to your mortgage. I would keep it as a premarital asset, rent it out and save that money. He can qualify as a first time homebuyer without your money. When your daughter becomes of age she can live there or whatever but no. Just know also if you live in a community state even if your name isn’t on the deed you are entitled to half the house.
And ma’am, what you mean the first question he asked was how much it cost?
NTA but this is a gigantic red flag! First of all, I used to work in a bank and can tell you first hand, the first time home buyer discount really isn’t much. Your credit history (if good) would probably save you more than the discount. Next, he wants to use your Money and only put his name? Absolutely not. Is he going down the red pill drain? It’s so sad how many men fall for this ridiculousness. If I had a dollar for every reddit post I saw basically saying “I got into red pill podcasts and now my Wife left me and my life is in shambles.”
Don’t you dare let him take your equity!!! WTF. If he wants the first time home buyer’s deal (does that really save anything these days?), he should do it with his own money. You are about to get scammed!
NTA. Sell your place and put it on an account that is in your name only. I have a feeling you’ll be needing that money soon.
If you don’t reinvest the equity in our home after you sell it, you’ll probably have to pay taxes on it. NTA
You gave your husband the only answer – you will be at least an equal owner, if not more, or moving is not an option. Personally, he should match your down-payment, or it should only be in YOUR name until he catches up financially.
Nope protect yourself —
Seek financial advice for sure. As others said, if he doesn’t want your name on it, keep yours, rent it, and will it. Let him pay for this own home himself and you can pay electric and half of day care 😉 longer terms with your rental income and work, you can increase your rental empire.
NTA – you are 100% spot on. The equity in YOUR home is yours. If he wants a bigger house where he’s the sole owner, he can put up the down and the mortgage himself. -and you keep your house as a rental.
You are 100% rational and reasonable and the fact that he can’t see that seems like a huge red flag to me.
NTA also he won’t qualify for first time homebuyer being common law and having lived in a house you own in the last several years… sorry to say it but you are legally common law and it’s fraud to try and claim him as single to try and pull this off. Don’t commit fraud.
Also don’t risk the equity you’ve built on his promises. No one just hands over $200000 on promises. Your husband is actually insane for thinking he’s in the right here and I would actually question his motives more with him being insistent… You would have to be dumb or crazy to agree to this.
NTA… This is the most basic of things you should do and there is absolutely nothing wrong with your thinking on this.. I think your husband needs a huge reality check on how vulnerable women are when it comes to financial matters if things go wrong and you break up or he dies… He wants to take something that is yours and that you paid gor alone sell it and give him the money to buy so.ething in his name only.. He’s nuts to think that is OK.. He is the problem right now and maybe he should go to therapy to find out why he is being so dismissive of something dk very obvious.. DO NOT SELL YOUR HOME AND SECURITY UNLESS YOU ARE ON THE DEEDS OF THE NEW HOME…. if need be you should keep your house to rent out and he can raise his own downpayment if he wants it in his name. And maybe you guys should get a postnup ..
You are not the asshole. You should leave him immediately
OP, you need to take a good look at the financial arrangements of your marriage. So many red flags here. Why is his only expense the electric bill and HALF of daycare??? That, all by itself, is a problem. If he is not paying the mortgage, why is that? If it is to protect your premarital asset as your own, then he should be paying rent. Otherwise, he is a mooch. And this is all before his alarming suggestion that you use your equity, in the home that you own, to purchase a house that is only in his name. That should be sending off alarm bells , if not sirens in your head. Not only should you no freaking way not do this, you need to address the attitude that went into him suggesting that this is in any way appropriate or fair. Particularly when combined with his wish for a “man cave” and his manipulative and lame excuse about using the first time home buyers credit. Does he really think you are this stupid? This is gross. You need to address this. you should probably just let him read the responses in this thread, and explain himself. And then do again it in front of a marriage counselor.
Wait a second. He wants to use your equity and not put your name on the house?
Freak that. He is crooked.
Nta But you have bigger problems
NTA if you do go through with this, using your equity ONLY IF he puts your name on the deed, then you need a legally drawn up document that says if something were to happen between the 2 of you then the house will be sold, you will get back your down payment and then the rest of the proceeds will be split 50/50
NTA. Your thinking is not flawed. DO NOT sell your house so that HE can buy one is HIS name with YOUR money. I agree, let him buy his own house, rent yours out. Pay the electric bill and 1/2 daycare from the rent you receive. Sauce for the goose and all.
NTA. I wouldn’t do that. If he wants to be on the deed himself, let him do it. Then you keep your house and rent it out so if this relationship fails, you have a place to go. Right now, you are supporting the family. Let him put his money where his mouth is. Do not give him a penny towards his mortgage.
Nope. Good for you. Stand up for yourself and your daughter. His thinking is ridiculous and saving a little on closing cost is not worth the longterm insecurity to you and your child. Be careful, honestly it sounds like he’s using you.
He can be on the mortgage alone. And you can both be on the deed.
But your husband is a jerk. And you seem very comfortable letting him be one to you. Please stand up for yourself.
Please don’t sell your home in order to fund the purchase of his dream home.
Both names need to be on the deed and both of you need to put in the same amount of money. If only your money is going towards the down payment, only your name should be on the deed and mortgage.
And honestly, given his view on this (you need to go to therapy? WTF?), I would find a new husband.
NTA: But you left out something important! How much are the massive savings if he comes in as a first time home buyer? Pretty sure you have to be dirt poor to qualify for any of that.
No way in the world should you consider his “deal”. He is gas lighting you too.
I smell a rat.
NTA. Unless your name is on the deed then it’s a big no. Just getting a larger house to host one off events is a poor excuse.
>”He believes he could qualify for a first time home buyer and this would save money on closing cost.”
This makes financial sense, actually,
IF
you have a perfect marriage and it is 100% guaranteed to remain perfect until it’s “natural” dissolution. Barring that, you need some documented protections of your interests.
NTA
Girl what? You’re NTAH but your husband is crazy and you would be for going along with this.
NO FREAKING WAY.
NTA. Not only does the new house need to be in BOTH of your names, you should have a post-nuptial agreement stipulating that if you are transferring the equity in your current home into the new home, then that is your equity stake in the new home.
If he has $200K lying around (or agrees to pay the balance of the mortgage) to make it 50/50 ownership, and you’re buying a $400K house, then you’ll be equal co-owners. If he has no money, and you end up splitting the mortgage 50/50, then that would give you a 75% stake.
If it’s a $300K house, you own 2/3, and that’s assuming that he pays the balance on the mortgage.
I would also tell him that there’s no scenario where I’m contributing to the mortgage or downpayment if I’m not on the deed.
Your husband is trying to pull a fast one. SHADY SHADY.
You may also want to NOT use the full equity from the house as a downpayment (or any of it). You might want to take that investment and put it into a trust or investment account. That’s YOUR money. Or you may not want to sell the house, and rent it out as an investment property. In some parts of Virginia, a 3 bedroom house can easily go for $3K+ a month. That would be a great supplemental income to invest in your retirement accounts.
Contact an attorney to find out the best way to protect your home as a separate, pre-marital asset.
Rent out your current home. And if he wants to put his name on this new one, he finances it. You pay the electric and half of daycare.
Also, your husband doesn’t respect you. Or women. Or care about the wellbeing of your child.
Kick him out how. NTA
NTA. By the sounds of it he is trying to set himself up for a house that is half his at least and use your money. The way things are just now he doesn’t have much if any right to your house. Personally, if you are intent on giving him his “man cave” id contribute half the deposit (min 5 per cent deposit) for a joint mortgage and put the rest in a bank account that only your child can access on death. If he doesn’t like it, I wouldn’t move but I know what I’d do with him.
How about this- you keep your house and rent it out to cover the mortgage. He pays his own mortgage and you pay whatever contribution he is giving you at the moment. The his house is his- of course he won’t have a lump sum from your house but, hey, that’s only fair, right?! He needs therapy if he thinks the situation is remotely fair. Frankly, this is a bit of a red flag and you would be wise to keep your house as a safety net. The new house sounds like an ego trip for him- man cave and entertaining? Guess who would be doing the work for the party nights too – you!
Gaslighting much?!?! He wants you to have therapy to justify this shit?
NTA. This is a flag worth leaving a guy over but I don’t know y’all like that so I’ll leave it there. Defo don’t go back on that boundary. And don’t use your equity either.
NTA…
Suggest discussion with a financial advisor to get advise. No financial advisor would consider putting your investment into a home without your name on it
Absolutely NTA but your husband sure is. Take him up on that therapist idea. The two of you go together, have him lay out his ridiculous plan to use YOUR equity on YOUR house and not put YOUR name on the new house. You say nothing. Any decent therapist will tell him how absurd he is. How incredibly insulting he is for trying gaslight you into not protecting yourself. If had any respect for you at all he’d insist both your names are on the house because he would care more about protecting you than his infantile ego.
Boys and their audacity
you can always add yourself later it’s not a big deal. Even weeks after . You aren’t being wise financially if he agrees to adding you as soon as the loan is final, but you are nta
Dont listen to that shite if your names not going on the deeds or the mortgage do not sale your home you bought for yourself before u met your husband I smell a rat
Not only should you not sign away your equity, you should tell him to get out of your house. What an absolutely egregious marital breach. This dude doesn’t give a fuck about you.
short answer: consult a real estate lawyer with or without hon
Check with a lawyer.
On one hand, it may not be possible for him as a married man to own real estate without his wife being (or effectively being, even if not named) on the deed. (Based on legal documents I saw while buying a house, it does not seem possible in the state I currently live in, but this is not legal advice: it is advice to go get legal advice.) And it may be fraudulent for him to seek benefits as a first-time homebuyer when he’s married to someone who has already owned a home.
On the other hand, whose name is on the deed may not actually matter in the event of a separation or divorce, because the house may be deemed marital property either way. So your claim on the house may be secure even if your name isn’t on the deed, and if it is legal to get first-time buyer benefits by putting only his name on the deed, that may benefit both of you.
Moreover, if you are using the money from your current house to buy the new one, and only you paid for the current house, structuring the transaction to include a loan from you to him to be paid back upon sale of the new house, if legal, might actually give you a stronger hand than having your name on the deed.
To figure all that out, you need a lawyer who (a) handles both real estate and matrimonial issues in your jurisdiction, and (b) is your lawyer and not your husband’s, since you are trying to protect your interests against him.
NTA for wanting to make sure your interests are protected, but you may be going about it in a way that’s counterproductive for both of you.
My BIL and SIL tried to put first home in only one of their names so they could also get first time homebuyers savings on second home using other spouse’s name. Bank did not buy it and actually said it would be fraud.
Also, you would be putting yourself at great risk.
I’m sorry OP, but I just exclaimed out loud what the fuck?
So he gets upset and says you need therapy for simply wanting to be included on the house, especially since you’re contributing $200,000 towards its purchase? The fact that you were married in most states will make you half owner of that property regardless if your name is on it or not, but the fact that he even thought much less suggested this Would scare the hell out of me.
I think you need to take some time and step back and really look at this partnership. If you make the same amount together, why is he not paying equally into his daily living cost? I’m not suggesting you do that to end this, but rather to understand where you are today. And then I think you need couples counseling and to speak to a financial manager. Together.
And, you need to make sure that you have your own space in this new house as well. All I heard was the things that he wanted and was getting.
NTA. Your husband is. You are exactly right! Keep your home and rent it out. Then he can buy the home and put his name on it and you will not be contributing to the mortgage! Anyway maybe he doesn’t know this but you’ll be entitled to half the home anyway. Absolutely to don’t give him a down payment! I cannot believe you let him get out from paying anything towards rent. He should’ve been pay all the other bills including daycare! He probably has a chunk of money in another bank account. Reevaluate your marriage.
NTA but not using the equity in YOUR home of your name is nit on the deed
Is that much different than just transferring ownership of your house to him only? Crazy.
Yeah NO! No name no move! Is it too late for a prenup?
You now pay the mortgage and he pays nothing? And he expects you to just fork over 200k? What is he putting toward the new house?
I wouldn’t do it. I would put my money away for a rainy day. And make sure he couldn’t ever touch it!
Hell no. Your name or you don’t move.
Nope. Not the asshole at all. Sus on his part though.
Agree and say you are right and since it is “your” house you should as a man be responsible for the down payment as well. 🙂
NTA. OP you really need to learn about what is yours, his, and marital property.
That house is YOURS. He doesn’t like that and he does not care about protecting you. You need to talk to a lawyer about how to protect yourself. I hope you are keeping your incomes separate. You can have a joint account, but with the way he is acting, I would not trust him with a joint savings account. Keep what’s yours as your own. He means to harm you financially.
NTA and you’re right the only reason to take your equity for his house is because he isn’t thinking of you two as a team he’s thinking about what he can get out of this. If he wants his house so badly let him have it without any of your house.
NTA
What the actual deep-fried honey glazed fuck. There is nothing wrong with your thinking on this. He can either purchase the house on his own without your deposit and pay for it on his own, or he can reflect your contribution through joint ownership.
NTA
If anything he is getting a sweet deal since you are putting $200k of YOUR money in right off the bat. Where is his contribution to the down payment? On day one you already own $200k more of the house than he does, it is ridiculous for him to think you will put all your equity into it and then just have zero to show for it. With 57% or marriages ending in divorce, it would just be poor financial planning to just give all that up.
Hell, if the house was $500k, you put your 220k in to get it, 4 years later you divorce, you still split the house, so you get 250k and he gets…. 250k. What a deal for him.
I wouldsnt say YTA, but I can sort of see where hes coming from as my gf and I are in the same boat except its me with the equity. When we decide to move we are gonna use my equity and her first-time-homeowner grant (a la canadian governent) We will add my name on title later.
But my gf and I have a very strong relationship and I do not have the same fear as you that one day my gf is gonna wake up and not love me anymore and then take all my equity. I guess, NTA for trying to protect your equity, but I’m of the opinion that you are not confident in your relationship.
NTA, please dont sell your current home if you are not going to be on the title to the new home. You do need to protect yourself, even if divorce isn’t even a consideration.
NTAH!
I’m not sure where you live, but if you’re in the USA, most states are community property. Meaning that if you’re buying the house while you’re married, and especially of your putting in money for the down payment, it’s half your house.
He does have a good idea about the first time home buyer. It is a good thing.
You can just have your name on the deed and not the mortgage. Or just refinance your house for the down payment and then rent it out.
Lots of options here for you.
Tell husband he can go buy his big party house without your $200k contribution, and you will stay where you are.
In what universe does he think his proposal is fair? NTA
NTA,
He fully intends to swindle you out of that money.
Otherwise no well wishing spouse will ever do this to their SO. If sonething bad hapoens to him you will probably have to gmfight for that house as well.
Does not seem like he has your best interest in mind.
Go to a financial advisor with your husband and check your options as saving money is a big concern for him and having ownership is one for you.
NTA, tell him you’ll move into his house and turn yours into a rental. If he can’t afford “his” house without your equity, then what’s he trying to pull?
Depending on where you are, it won’t matter if your name is on the house or not if you’re married—it’ll be a marital asset.
Hahahahaha. Your husband is wild. Does he think you’re an idiot? I’d consider a couples therapy session just so the therapist can laugh at him too.
NTA.
NTA!! He sounds controlling. He pays electric and HALF of daycare and told you to cancel stuff? You get whatever subscriptions you want if you can afford them and both your names go on the new house. Why does he get to have a man cave and home office when you don’t even get to have a gym membership? What do YOU get? Not even your name on the new house? Sounds fishy. He’s super sketchy. Watch yourself.
I think instead of a therapist, you should make an appointment with an attorney that handles marital assets and planning. They can tell you the laws of your state and the financial repercussions of any financial decisions regarding your house. He is trying to financially control you by taking away your equity in your asset. You would likely get half instead of all of it if you broke up. That is not fair to you. And then it’s a mess trying to sell the new house and splitting the proceeds if he is a prick about it like he sounds like he already is.
He has NO RESPECT for you as a partner or a team member in your marriage. Think about that….. He wants to take away your asset from you, (the proceeds from the sale of your house that he doesn’t contribute to), put it in his name (new house), dismiss your concerns and gaslight you and tell you that you need to go to therapy. Think about each one of those things individually, then as a whole. I would be seriously thinking about if I would want to spend my life with someone like that. And on top of that, who is going to make the new mortgage payment?
NTA. He wants to steal your equity. If he wants a big house in his name, he can come u with the down payment on his own. That’s what first time homeowners do. Keep your house and rest it.
You are not the one that needs an adjustment to your thinking
All those “what ifs” that you are worried about are very real
If you buy the house together, in both your names, you should own a larger portion of the house since your putting in 200K to start. Get this in writing.
NTA—Don’t sell your home if your name isn’t on the new home. You can keep your house and rent it out. He can pay 100% for the new house
NTA. Also OP you have a freaking job that pays as much as his and you can damned well have a gym fee if you want too!! Your husband is a controlling AH and he’s trying to ‘steal’ $200,000 from you!!
Sell your house and use the equity on HIS house – F*CK THAT!!
NTA
Protect your financial interests. Either your name goes on the new house too or you’re keeping your current house.
What would happen if you allowed him to use the equity to get a house in his name only, then he cheats, puts you out and moves the other person in. Now you’re homeless with a child… NTA. Do not allow him to use any part of your house for his new house. Tell him to save his money for the down payment. That way you can still have your house in case you need it…
!Updateme
When you’re thinking about where and how to use $200k in cash on a RE deal, it doesn’t hurt to consult an attorney. I say this because you already have an opposed party trying to financially take advantage of you and you need a clear third-party on your side.
NTA.
NTA
Talk to a lawyer who deals with estate planning, property, and family law.
NTA – like so many people from wealthy backgrounds, your husband is looking to screw over someone from a lower economic level for his own profit. You can’t have a gym membership, but you must give up $200,000 in home equity so that he can have a man cave and a party place and everything to make him happy? What kind of a POS did you marry? He questions how much it will cost for your child’s surgery? Lady you have much bigger problems in your life right now! You need to get to a therapist and grow a spine and get rid of this piece of human garbage you’ve hooked yourself to. You’re on the right track by refusing this demand, but you are not seeing the forest for the trees. This is someone who will, one way or another, find a way to screw you over and leave you in the dirt.
Absolutely NTA. Do NOT give him that equity. Protect yourself and your daughter. Everything about this move seems beneficial to him, and almost not at all for you.
NOPE.
You’re NTA for wanting to be on the deed for a new house, but why are you staying with this AH? He sounds like a control freak and a money obsessed creep. HE is the one who sounds like he needs therapy, not you. Worrying that much about money when your kid needs surgery? Using the equity in YOUR current home to buy a home that would be entirely in HIS name? Hell NO! He wants everything out of this deal and sounds like you’d end up trapped or penniless if this happened and you ever decided to divorce. Do NOT go forward with this plan. Either you’re BOTH on the deed, or the deal is OFF on buying a new house.
NTA- this is the long con on his part.
Dude has small d*ck energy. Especially with not contributing and asking how much money for the kids needs?!
Nope nope nope. NTA and he’s an idiot. If you have 20% down then there’s no point in doing the FHA loan because conventional loans have waaaaayyy better rates. First-time homebuyer loans are designed to get you into home ownership with not a lot of money down. If you can put a bunch of money down then none of that shit matters.
Nope, I’m sure it’s some play on his part to feel like a proper “man of the family” where he controls everything. Tell him no way in hell.
If it helps, your equity is also your children’s equity, if you decide to leave the estate to them. If not, your husband’s future wife and step kids will inherit your/your children’s home/investment
Well, thats pretty blatant financial abuse.
Do not sell your home ! If he’s not helping pay the mortgage on your home, where is all his money going? He is the one who is being shady ffs!
He wants his name only, he puts up the deposit AND pays the mortgage like you have been. He’s taking advantage of you.
Take him up on his therapy offer, but couples therapy, because I don’t think he will like what he hears if he gave his bullshit excuses to the therapist. NTA, I’d look into him.
He wants to move so he can feel like the man. He’s being all pissy because this house has your name on it and as ‘the man of the house’ the house should be his.
NTA
Sounds like he hasn’t paid rent in 3 years and should have enough to pay for a down payment himself. It’s an absolute insult for him to insinuate you place equity you earned yourself on a home he intends not to put your name on. He doesn’t care about your safety and Security. You honestly shouldn’t be outing anything down and your name should still be on the home considering you’re his WIFE and the mother or his child….
Nta but please don’t budge on this. He’s going to try different ways to wear you down. He basically wants a house in his name that he hasn’t contributed to financially. Tell him it can be in only his name if he doesn’t use any of the money from your current house. Oh and when you move in you expect to only contribute what he’s been contributing for years.
Just came to say I’m sorry your husband is such a nob. He sounds horrible and financially abusive. If it were me, I’d run!
It’s not a question of “could I lose it all?”, but “how quickly would I be on the street after funding his theft?”! This feels like a planned coup.
There may be legal ways to cloak a large down payment that did NOT come from him, and still qualify for a 1st-time buyer discount/rate. But you would lose total ownership of your money.
Nobody with good intentions talks, plans and schemes like OP’s husband. That’s gaslighting. I’d say, “reverse the scenario in him. Ask him to pay rent or other upkeep to hold up his end.” Ask yourself how equal is it for you to fund the new house even IF your name goes on the deed too. Then, and only then, agree to sell and buy up: WITH YOUR NAME ON THE TITLE…and your share of ownership being proportionately higher than his.
Nope you are not the asshole. And you have set a good boundary. There is no reason your name should not be on the new house. And I would ask that he contribute the same amount in cash down as you are putting in too, just to ensure the equality of each persons contribution. This is a red flag to me.
Dump the husband, keep the house. He plans on fucking you over.
NTA and I would be questioning his intentions for wanting the family home just in his name. There are few states that allow married couples to purchase a home without the spouse included in the lending qualifying for the mortgage AND the home listed in both names. I personally would be feeling salty about him even suggesting it and would probably say something along the lines of, if you want to buy a house like a single man than you’re buying it without a grant from the home I bought and pay for like I’m a single person. It’s very weird and he’s either narcissist and selfish or he’s got ulterior motives.
NAH. The fact that he called your reasoning flawed and suggested you need therapy is a huge red flag!
You don’t need a therapist, you need a good financial planner and a will.
Do NOT sell your home. Consider renting it and place in a trust for your daughter. It’ll continue to generate generational wealth, as the housing shortage is not going to ease up anytime soon with Canadian construction materials facing a 35% tariff and mass deportations of construction trade labor.
I recommend financial counseling for you both. If he refuses, or again attacks you for your opinion, consider the relationship over as irreconcilable differences.
Nta. So what I really want to know is what’s the name of mistress that the ops husband is trying to dupe her into buying a house for.
NTA. I understand his “first time buyer” logic, BUT, you are totally correct on the big picture. He’s so fixated on the “savings”, he doesn’t want to hear anything else. You are not wrong. I would not do it either.
NTA It looks like he is trying to scam you out of 200K. I can’t believe he thinks you will fall for that when he hasn’t even been helping make the mortgage payments on the current home.
Of course you should have your name on the deed. But, you have a husband problem. I am categorically certain that you should not use the equity from your home to get the new home.
As a first time buyer he can have 3% down payment. You put the downpayment and you split the mortgage equally.
Keep your home for income or sell it and keep your equity. Make sure you get advise as to how to do it so that he will not be entitled to any of the money.
I am in shock. First time home buyers have 3% down payment. Why would he want the $200k in that house too?
I don’t like the whole thing OP
Thankfully you are smart.
I am kind of worried about you, this guy is using you. Please update.
Pro tip, If a man doesn’t want your name on the property HE is the ahole.
NTA, but seriously consider why he wants to steal $200k from you and if you want to stay with him.
NTA.
You would be completely bonkers to go along with this. Your husband hasn’t paid anything towards the current mortgage, but somehow feels entitled to the equity to acquire a home that only his name is on? What kind of broken logic is this!?
NTA – Look at the 1st time buyer program. Many are if you haven’t bought a home within x amount of years.
The other choice is to keep your home and rent it out.
Don’t put your equity into a home without your name and if you do put it into the new home, have a lawyer write up that you put in the $200K.
Also how does his spending go; if you have to cancel your gym membership, what does he give up?
Is this for real?? He’s living rent free and pays half the childcare – for his own child?????
Jesus, this is why rich people stay rich. Rolling my eyes hard. This man is pretty much just stealing from you at this point.
And telling her to go to therapy.. wtaf
Just no. This man is not trustworthy.
And if they do end up parting, then he has family money to absolutely screw her over.
OP should be very wary here and possibly pay for some financial advice rather than therapy!!
Maybe keep the house that belongs to her and he can buy another house with a man cave and an office that he can party in… he’s paid very little towards upkeep of her house so far. He can do it with the money he’s saved!!
Nope. No FTHB program will allow $200k down. The whole point of those programs is to help first time homeowners who who don’t have closing costs or down pymt.
He’s bs’ing you. You call the lender and ask what FTHB programs they offer and what are the qualifications, etc.
Source: I’m a mortgage lender
NTA. To the OP: you need to talk to a financial advisor and a lawyer specializing in property law toute de suite. (And you probably ought to start researching marriage counselors and maybe a divorce lawyer. From what you’ve said here, sorry to say, your husband sounds like he’s bad news.)
What’s that first time home buyer option even worth? A couple grand?
Honestly shame on him for even asking this. It’s a horrifying ask.
I don’t think that’s how the first time home buyer works. You should check it.
I think this is an ego thing. He wants to have an ego booster but a real AH. And what he told you, is really offensive. He should go to therapy. The entitlement is really high.
NTA “He said my thinking is flawed and I need to go to a therapist to work on why I think like this.” This is the pot calling the kettle black. HE needs to speak to a therapist to understand HIS flawed thinking. You are thinking just fine….
But be sure you keep a separate account just in case. This guy is beginning to fly red flags…
NTA There are a ton of red flags here. The current house is in your name and he pays nothing towards it. He wants a bigger house but doesn’t want your name on it but needs the equity in your home to afford it and probably your income to cover the mortgage. All massive financial red flags. Trying to convince you there’s something wrong with you mentally for trying to protect yourself is a huge red flag. Something to consider. Depending on where you live your home would be considered premarital assets and he might not be able to acquire any part of the house in a divorce especially when he hasn’t contributed to the house financially. Having you sell the house and using the equity to pay for a new house makes it a marital asset. Essentially he wants you to take an asset he can’t touch and give it to him in a way that would force you to go to court to get back.
Talk to a lawyer before you agree to anything. On your own. Not with him.
NTA, let him be the only one on the deed & mortgage on the condition he signs a post-nuptial sheltering your assets (current home’s proceeds + others) and pays for everything out of his own pocket going forward when it comes to the mortgage, increased utilities, etc.
You can dump your assets to grow in the market or keep some in more liquid accounts to afford a divorce attorney given this issue and money being one of the largest reasons for divorce.
So let me get this straight, he said your name won’t be on it for a minimal discount with a first time homebuyer credit and is just going to take YOUR equity… And is cool with just not taking advantage of the 1031 exchange? What’s his debt to income ratio and credit score? If he wasn’t trying to scam you, you two would need to sit down and crunch numbers/discuss things.
As it is now, I’d say sure – mortgage in your name only, just add my name to the deed.
OP, do not do this. If anything I’d be exploring my options and very seriously considering staying with a man who’d consider not doing a surgery for a baby over cost and trying to steal $200k from his wife AND leave her to pay capital gains with nothing to show for it.
Run, girl.
NTA: Ask him what he would say if the roles were reversed and you wanted him to sell his house, give you the money, and buy a house in your name only.
Take all the emotion out of it and look at what he’s asking you to do. He is asking you to give him $200,000 with no strings and no protection.
The amount of money that you will save as a first time homebuyer is probably not going to meet the $200,000 you are putting in. So his options are you either have an appropriate percentage of ownership in the home considering that you are putting in $200,000. Or- He purchases the home and get the first home buyer credit, without your contribution. And you can either sell your home and save that money for investments, or rent out your existing home for additional income.
And for God sake, if you have a child and you own a home, then you need a will and a trust. Immediately.
NTA
So, don’t sell your house. Let him buy this one with his own money. Don’t pay anything towards his mortgage. Then it’s fair.
You have your house – which is in your name, that he made zero financial contribution toward. And he has his house – which can be in his name and that you make no financial contribution toward.
He doesn’t get it have it both ways. He can’t expect you to front the down payment for such a significant expense and have no legal ownership stake in the property.
That’s just dumb and he needs therapy to help him figure out why he thinks like this.
NTA. This is laughable. He wants to use YOUR asset to purchase a new home that you don’t really need, and take away your equity??
NTA- let him go buy a new home and finance it on his own. Does he have any money for a down payment or is he expecting you to foot the bill? I personally wouldn’t do it. If I’m providing the down my names on the title and I’m going to a lawyer to create a contract that protects my 200k in case things go south.
I like what someone else suggested: keep your home and rent it out, protect that asset. He pays very little towards your monthly expenses, he should have lots of $$$’s saved.
No matter what you decide, if he gets any amount from your home, document that $200,000 as a loan, with interest. Ensure it’s legally enforceable.
If you divorce, you should get that money back. It’s not something he should be entitled to. If you don’t document it, you’re gifting him half if you divorce.
NTA
I recommend making sure the therapist is also a lawyer licensed in your state.
NTA
Do not agree to this.
If he suddenly leaves you, you will have nothing.
Don’t do it!
NTA. No, your definitely don’t want to use your equity (which he hasn’t contributed to) for a home solely in his name. I am unsure if he’s financially unaware, or worse, fully aware how massively he would be taking advantage of you.
That should be determined before taking further steps.
If he wants only his name on the deed then it’s time to get a post-nup. He doesn’t get to dictate everything financially.
Currently the house is a premarital asset. If he used your money to buy a home in his name only- just no. Don’t do this. Refuse. NTA
Either he is an idiot and doesn’t care about your interests or he’s doing this intentionally. Don’t agree to this.
He is cheating. And he is scamming you.
Do not sell your house.
NTA. If your name is not on the house the equity from YOUR current house should not go towards it either.
Nta
I let my ex talk me into not putting my name on the mortgage, now I am walking away from a 15 year relationship with absolutely nothing to my name.
NTA
Not quite the same situation but I had something similar with getting a bigger house under BOTH of us.
Have you thought of renting your current house (keep it under your name exactly as it is) and buying a new home together? Talk to the bank, you can take some equity out of your current home for the downpayment. Have someone else (a renter) keep paying that mortgage, you and husband split the new mortgage. Go to the same bank/broker for all the mortgages and probably get a better rate.
We made extra mortgage payments on the new house (it’s paid off now) and let the rental mortgage keep going. It’s pretty low and any work done on the property is a tax write off against income you get from it. Paint, roof, whatever. I’ll have to pay capital gains when I sell it but that’s only a %. IF we ever split, if something happens to him, of one of us get sick and can’t work, so many things can happen – just head back to the original home and sell the expensive one.
So is your husband involved in other fraudulent illegal activities or does he just prefer to scam and steal from you?
NTA. He’s asking you to sell your house to buy him a house, that you won’t have any legal claim to.
NTA
He seems like a mooch and a financial abuser. You should keep the house and let him have his own space forever
Check community property laws in your state. Asking you to invest $200K and contribute to the mortgage payments is grossly unfair and definitely in your bad interest. He is a taker. No way is this for the good of the marriage, it is designed to let him walk away with the house, while you hold the bag. Please proceed smartly.
Binge watch Jerry Wise on youtube. This is a serious RED FLAG
He’s gaslighting you. Cancel the move as it’s purely for his benefit and not yours.
NTA. Something stinks here. He wants to use the equity from Your home to get a bigger home. Yet you wouldn’t be on the new house deed?? Nope. That would leave you with nothing.
Don’t know about VA but in PA if you are married the house is half yours whether you’re name is on it or not. Still I would be pissed if he didn’t want my name on it
You give him the money for his own house.
He breaks up with you and kicks you out. He has a house, you have nothing.
Is he already planning this or just wanting to keep it as a possibility?
Be very careful, consult a lawyer NOW.
NTA.
So, in other words, you give him all your money and assets, and in return you get . . . nothing? NTA