So this is what’s happening. We live in a small two bedroom apartment. It’s me, my husband, and our toddler. The second bedroom? That’s the baby’s. There’s no guest room. There’s no spare mattress. Hell, the couch barely fits in our living room without it feeling like an obstacle course. Then suddenly, his sister calls. Says she needs a place to stay for a while. No details. Just boom, she’s on her way. She’s not asking. She’s telling us. Apparently she got into it with her roommate and “can’t deal with the drama.” Her words. I told my husband straight up no. Not because I don’t care. Not because I want her homeless. But we literally don’t have the space. Our kid wakes up if someone breathes too loudly near his room. I’m already running on fumes from the night feedings and the 4 AM cries. The last thing I need is another adult here adding to the chaos. But get this. My husband says I’m being cold. That “she’s family.” That it’s just temporary. I asked how long is temporary. He shrugs. Says a few weeks, maybe a couple months. No plan. No end date. Just vibes and guilt. I tried to be clear. I said, If she moves in, I move out. I didn’t mean it as a threat. I just meant I literally won’t be able to function in this house if she’s here full time. I’m already stretched thin. This would break me. He looked at me like I’d just kicked his puppy. Said I was forcing him to choose.
I said, No. She is. Because who invites themselves to someone else’s house without even checking first? Now things are tense. He’s barely talking to me. She keeps texting him saying “don’t worry, I’ll figure it out” but you know that’s just the guilt bait. And honestly? I feel like the bad guy. Like I’m this evil wife keeping his poor sister out on the streets or something. But also I’m tired of always being the one who bends. Who makes room. Who shuts up to keep the peace. So yeah. That’s the whole messy thing. AITAH?
Comments
NTA but y r u with this loser
You’re TA for not even considering a short term stay. NTA for being mad that she may be there for months
NTA
For wanting space
YTA
Cause the excuses seem weak compared to a family bond. Sister and brother might always be ready to support one another no matter what’s going on. You say she invited herself in but with family depending on how close it’s not even a conversation cause homeless isnt a option
Like, do you have siblings and are you really close to them ?
She hasn’t been evicted. Unless she is in actual danger then she doesn’t need the help she is asking for. That kind of help is for emergencies not for not being able to handle the drama. NTA
NTA. Text her and tell her you’ll give her more drama than she’s getting from the roommate.
*Said I was forcing him to choose. I said, No. She is. Because who invites themselves to someone else’s house without even checking first?
Boom – there it is. You nailed it. Sister ITAH.
NTA… who just invites themselves to stay at someone’s home? I hope you follow through on your threat if he just stomps on your boundaries.
So do you have a baby or a toddler?
NTA… your husband needs to respect your opinion. And by forcing the situation on you when you’ve laid out all the reasons why it won’t work is not good for anyone involved.
Isn’t there any other family that can help his sister?
Sis has no respect Re: indefinite stay. Always bad. Means no plans. Once in, harder to get out. Hubby clearly doesn’t get the stress factor. Tell him he’s on 4 AM call, grocery, laundry and cleaning duty for his sis if she is “crashing” for a while. Maybe he’ll change his tune.
You’re allowed to say ‘I can’t handle this right now’ and mean it. If your partner can’t see that you’re already on the edge, the convo isn’t just about his sister—it’s about emotional labor too.
I’m sorry you had a baby with this guy. Can you take the baby, go stay with your parents, and file for divorce and child support and let your husband and his sister settle down in domestic bliss together? Staying is just wasting your precious life. You only get the one.
NTA. She needs to adult and deal with her roommate. She pays rent there, stay there. There was no mention of how long she’d be there, how much rent she’d pay you, or how she’d contribute to the household instead of adding to your burdens.
NTA
Uhm…You are his WIFE, his PARTNER, the MOTHER OF HIS CHILD!
When is it EVER a choice? He is ALWAYS supposed to CHOOSE you! Period!
You have a definite husband problem. You two need to have a serious conversation about who his “Family” really is. It better be the one he built in his mind/heart or you have a bigger problem.
Until we know WHY she suddenly needs a place to stay, we can’t evaluation who it the A here. If my sibling called and told me “I need a place”, I would absolutely accommodate them because I KNOW that would only happen in an absolute emergency and they wouldn’t do it if there were other options.
OTOH, if the sister has other options and resources, you may not be the A.
NTA Sis needs to realize it is a decision for both of you, not just him. Asking instead of assuming is wrong.
A few days for time to get a new place is fine. More than that is rude. Really, she needs to suck it up and deal.with the roommate until.she finds a place.
NTA. You set a clear and reasonable boundary. It would be different if it was a set timeframe or just a couple days. Protect your peace.
Nta, stand your ground. No plan of how long she staying means she will be there TOO LONG.
Tell her to put her big girl panties on and deal with her roommate like an adult.
NTA This is a 2 Yes/1 No decision. Red Flag 1. He rolled over belly up at his sister’s command. Red Flag 2. Indefinite stay? Red Flag 3.
I say no cooking/dish washing/laundry for the uninvited “guest”, especially if mooching and not paying rent or groceries.
Wait for this to snowball (and it will) have him read outside opinions. Might be an eye opener/wake-up call.
Good Luck!!!
She IS the roommate drama. Don’t invite it in.
NTA. This is the hill to die on. Keep making those boundaries and don’t lose your peace.
However I would also start getting your eggs in one basket for the future as I can guarantee more issues will continue with hubby not respecting you. In times like these, if your husband doesn’t put you and your child first then do you really want to stay with him?
Have an exit plan. Have an emergency fund and a savings account with a diff bank that only you know about. (Bank statement get sent to new email and pick up card at bank branch.).
Make sure you have your qualifications updated if you need to leave so you get a job. Do some study online etc if not up to date and get skills before leaving.
Make plans to protect you and baby and to have an exit plan in the future if you need to leave.
Talk to a lawyer for advice on where you stand legally with everything. Have copies of all important paperwork if you need to leave in a hurry.
It slays me how many men stop talking to their partners and get all petulant and withdrawn instead of having an adult conversation to intelligently try to work out an issue. And it slays me how many women put up with this and feel guilty about it.
She “can’t stand the drama”?
She IS the drama. You, 100%, are NTA. Even if your home had lots of room, she would fill it up with interference and disruption.
NTA.
People want you to feel bad when you stand up for yourself, but you shouldn’t, and just ignore the passive aggressive stuff and take the win.
You are right, it is rude of his sister to just assume she can stay with you, and rude of your husband for not putting a pause on it and coming to talk to you about it.
You are also right, it is a problem that there is no exit plan/end date, and no one seems to be trying to find one.
And your husband could have found a compromise here, but he wanted his sister here, no questions asked, and so you had to stand your ground. Would he pick up helping more with the baby, would he limit her to staying for a few days/week max, would he talk to her about rules and noise- nope. I’m not saying if he had suggested any of that you would have needed to let her stay, but he didn’t even attempt to understand and accommodate your perspective.
So good for you for saying no, and no you didn’t force him to choose, because there was no “choice” here. This is YOUR home too, and he doesn’t get to choose between a person who lives in the home and one who does not.
Leave him to his emotions. That’s his problem. Not yours. If he can’t see that this was the only right decision to make, he’s delusional and gets to stew in his pity-party by himself.
NTA.
Tell your husband when he gets home from work the locks will be changed.
He and his sister can go get a hotel, or he can tell his adult sister to grow the hell up and deal with her nonsense.
Then tell him, it’s not up to him who stays in the home, it’s a joint decision and if someone says no, it’s a no.
If he can’t agree, then, he can go file for the divorce, and pay spousal and child support. If he agrees, Then he can have a key
NTA, but your husband and his sister are.
NTA
Let him sulk.
You and your child’s shelter and comfort is more important.
I would be so mad that he tried to guilt trip me, that not hearing his voice would be welcomed.
Don’t acknowledge his tantrum, he’ll need something from you soon.
Seems there is a lot under the surface between you and your partner and the emotional toll of being a parent. Talk and reassess about what his sister’s “emergency” actually means—establish a common definition. Then, proceed together with what would work for you and your family, not “she’s just staying with us until she feels better.”
Also, put a communication plan in place moving forward that you both default to as a starting point. And use timelines. Make your goals Sustainable, Measurable, Attainable, Reasonable, and Timely.
Ignore the comments about it divorcing bc no one is living your life but you, and they won’t be there in the middle of the night when shit gets rough. Plus divorce over something like this is a bit extreme and with two kids in the mix, costly and a different hill to climb. Cross that road later if you truly need to for you, your spouse, and your kids.
Sounds like the sister is the drama. Keep her out of your house.
YTA for saying you’d leave if he helped his sister.
Crazy that this is the line in the sand for you, and you’re willing to threaten leaving because he wants to help his sister.
This would be an eye opener for me. I’d choose my sister.
NTA. Trust me, people who feel entitled need to be put in their place. If you let it slide now, more and more of your boundaries will be pushed down. Don’t feel guilty. It’s your home and not just your husband’s home. Your SIL shouldn’t just invite herself over. My SIL was like that until I finally put my foot down after having a child. Literally, I had only one guest bedroom and one time she decided to stay over with her child when my brother & his wife were visiting. My brother’s visit was planned. My family could never visit because she was always over. It was ridiculous.
If your husband doesn’t understand, I highly suggest marriage counseling. The issue won’t just disappear and he shouldn’t feel resentment over something that should just be common sense. He’s not choosing his wife over his sister. He’s protecting your sanity and your home. No one is entitled to your home. She’s having drama with her roommate, she’s not homeless. It’s not an emergency.
It seems like brother and sister have alot in common. They both tend to disregard other people’s feelings. This is a bright red flag. Definitely avoid having anymore children with him
NTAH – she sounds like a right drama queen and she isn’t homeless – she had a disagreement with her room mate – well guess what adults disagree and they … Get over it! But who invites themselves to stay without asking first- well done for standing your ground with husband and SiL and for setting a clear boundary.
NTA and you and the baby should leave. He obviously cares more about his sister than the two of you.
And are they orphans? No parents? No aunts? No uncles? No nobody but you? Why does it have to be YOUR tiny apartment?
NTA, boundaries are healthy.. however … devil’s advocate here.. your husband is in an awkward position. It’s his sister, and had he not offered her to stay, he would be a “bad brother” so you have to at least see it from his perspective to some extent. Marriage is being flexible and giving in just a little even when you don’t want to.. How about compromising and offering her a few days while the drama settles at her place. This way, he’s not leaving her in the cold, and you’re not putting him in a $hitty position? Just a thought.
What do you plan on doing regarding your husband
Make him start getting up work the baby. If you’re awake, he’s awake after a couple of weeks see how he’s feeling… if he whines about it affecting his work tell him it affecting you too and that adding his dramatic sister to the mix will only make it worse on both of you. She can move back in with her parents or she can put her big girl panties on and deal with the drama she’s undoubtedly contributing too.
You have a toddler, is your husband and SIL really that oblivious to see how this is not a good idea by any stretch??
NTA
Not sure about where you guys are, as advice is different everywhere. But where I’m at, it’s recommended for babies to be in the parents’ room for the first year.
You could make room if you wanted.
You could also her a weekend away from her drama.
You could also explain the whole baby thing.
She can sleep on the couch and listen to the toddler screaming, she won’t stay long
And NTA he should check with you, it’s your home too
NTA. She has a legal place to stay (unless she’s lying and has actually been evicted for something, which is another can of worms). If she ends up “on the street,” it’s by her own choice: She doesn’t need somewhere else to stay; she wants it. If it were a true emergency, that might be one thing (but she still needed to sort other options before asking – key word there – you. And you are not obligated to set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm.
But I’m side-eyeing your husband, too. 1) He needs to back you. Not his sister; he made vows to you. 2) I know having a baby is exhausting, but from the way this reads…is he helping out with the baby? Alternating shifts? Getting up in the middle of the night to feed baby, change them, and help them fall back asleep? 3) “Tired of always being the one who bends, makes room, shuts up to keep the peace.” Yeah…not liking your husband. Your relationship sounds controlling/like there is an imbalance in power and partnership. Hopefully, that’s just me being jaded, but if not, you may need to set boundaries with not just your SIL, but your husband.
NTA. If the sister is old enough to be living on her own, she is old enough to handle her roommate. I have siblings and I would do absolutely anything for them if they really needed it. Just because she wants a break from her roommate isn’t an emergency. If it’s that bad where she lives start looking for a new place and move out. You don’t need added responsibilities, you already have enough and if your husband can’t see how worn down you are maybe you two need to have a chat.
“Yes I’m forcing you to choice. And the choice should be your WIFE. And your child. This should be an easy choice. Your sister is a grown-ass woman who needs to act like one and handle her own “drama.” I’m your wife taking care of your child in this apartment and I am barely hanging on. So yes – please choose your wife.
NTA.
No! She has a place, she just “can’t deal”. She can deal until she figures out how to get a better living situation.
I need to stop reading these Reddit posts, I’m absolutely fuming for you.
Honestly, I might be reaching here but you sound so stressed and just done…like you’re really close to a breaking point.
I feel like the issue with his sister is just a cherry on top.
Just one day is enough, get the husband to take care of the toddler and go out to breath a little, you’ll come back less stress and think more clearly (again, for those of u with short term memory, I might be reaching here).
NTA ofc.
NTA. It’s not easy standing your ground. You did it though!
I totally understand where you are coming from. Looking after babies and toddlers and extremely hard and taxing. “Drama’ you have to be kidding…. honestly she will wake up the baby and you will be enraged. I dont know what would have worked faster. Maybe you should have said yes and when the baby gets up in the night screaming, stand over her, sit on her legs on the couch, let the toddler climb on her while she sleeps, she would go back really quickly.
NTA. Your family-of-3 is your priority.
But you are missing a prime opportunity. Let SIL come, and she sleeps in toddlers room.
In the meantime, you go back to her apartment for a couple days. Turn off phone. Sleep. Binge tv. Sleep some more.
After that, I’m sure SIL will be thinking fondly of her roommate.
NTA. I housed a friend who really needed a place to stay. He slept in the living room, was in the house all day every day. For weeks. It was no longer my house, it almost broke me. Luckily he could move out after way too long, and I slowly returned to normal. I vowed never again. I broke that vowe, having a friend of my kid live with us for 3 days, but that was agreed upon beforehand, I found out I can handle that. But never a ‘blind check’ again.
NTA…at all. It’s your home and if I were in your shoes I would say no as well.
Er, yeah, dealing with the drama is the very definition of being an adult. No one wants to; we just do it.
NTA, I read your post twice and some things are misleading, it seems you are talking not in the present but in the near future, apparently he told his sister how you felt via the response of don’t worry I will figure it out, so she has not moved in. I believe although your husband gave you the reasons why, he also communicated to his sister your feelings. I believe that you are overwhelmed with a new baby and are trying to find your own new pattern and I understand that. Never use that statement of I will move out if she moves in…its unnecessary. The strain between you and your husband is not just the sister request to come, but that you are a new mom with alot of feelings that is where /what you both need to discuss. You also said the 4 am feedings, are you breast feeding, well they have a pump for that, so your partner can help. Last thing you said there is barely any room, what happens once a baby turns into a toddler, more things that baby will need( baby furniture etc) that will take up more space, and that will turn into a different argument, both of you talk and remember neither of you came here knowing how to handle all situations. Have grace the same that you want.
She wasn’t homeless and if she doesn’t want to be, she can figure it out on get own. If she sent your husband a text saying she “don’t worry, I’ll figure it out” then suggest that she can figure it out. Stand your ground! NTA
Your husband is a major AH and so is his sister. Is it genetic?
Why are you night feeding a toddler?
ESH
You suck for trying to make your partner choose sides within his family. You are now part of his family too, she may not be your blood sister but she is your SIL and a lifelong relationship that your husband will have & maintain. She is a part of his package, just like you come with family too.
He is an AH for not communicating with you first & seeing how comfortable you were. Also for not getting all the information that was necessary to make a solid decision in how to support his sister.
The two of you, should have invited her over to cool down & found out whats was going on & see if & how she needed support. Obviously his relationship with his sister is important to him as well.
She is also the asshole for assuming & not being clear abt what is going on. She is an adult who should know how to troubleshoot.
However since no further investigating was done we don’t know the full details as to why she felt that she couldn’t go back to an apartment she pays rents for. And you both married each other for better or worse & sometimes that includes family drama.
I think it’s unfortunate that neither of you has set up the “Family Boundaries” lines when you were pregnant! Once the two young party people become parents, FRIENDS AND FAMILY are supposed to know that now the 3 of you are a family! Not a besties house or a motel. That is unless there’s a serious problem. ie Violence or fire natural disasters etc. When the two of you became parents, then it is all about the kids. You can’t have other people living with you. No matter how nice they are. It’s ALWAYS a problem. So you and your guy have to have an honest conversation about how the house is to be run to make the best possible home for your child! Auntie drama included! Good luck. Work out the kinks now or trust me one day you’ll wake up and realize that you have little by little lost YOURSELF COMPLETELY!!! Protect your mental health and peace of mind at all costs! You don’t have to be “A NICE GIRL” for everyone else but yourself! NTA!!!!!
NTA. She’s an adult. She needs to start acting like one.
You know he was “this way” before you married him. You thought he would change either after you got married or after you had a baby. You’re not an AH, you’re just misguided. You fooled yourself into thinking you married a family man and he is, just not “your family”. Suck it up as you married a child and you’ve known it all along.
NTA. You can be sympathetic and supportive of someone’s situation without giving up your home indefinitely. Your husband is being very unfair.
Your husband is so inconsiderate. He wants to play the good guy at your expense. That’s no good. NTA. You are doing the right thing.
NTA. This is some bullshit ‘roommate drama’. The sister should know not to impose on a family with a young child and no room to spare; certainly not over something so childish.
NTA. “She keeps texting him saying “don’t worry, I’ll figure it out”” – he should text her back saying “Great, thank you”.
No. You’re not.
Op, I have a guest room, and my in-laws inviting themselves to be houseguests almost ruined my marriage. People need to ask, and they need to accept when the answer is no. I feel sure your husband has no plan for day to day living. Where is his sister supposed to sleep? In the living room, making it impossible to actually use it as a living room? In the baby’s room? Hell, no. In your room? Hell, no. She’ll be in the bathroom when you need it, she’ll need to go to bed and make you confined to your room, she’ll complain when you get up at night to tend to the baby. This situation is completely untenable.
And your husband is being an ass.
NTA.
She’s paying rent for an apartment, but plans to move into a tiny apartment with two other adults and a toddler, likely rent free, just because she “can’t deal with the drama” … and your husband is just peachy keen with that?!? WTF!
Your husband and sister in kaw are unbelievable.