My (29F) husband (31M) begged me to let his best friend, Chris (30M), stay with us “for a couple weeks” after his breakup. I agreed because I felt bad, he’d just been cheated on and kicked out of his apartment.
That was 2 months ago. Chris is STILL here, sleeping on our couch, eating our food, leaving his laundry everywhere, and he’s made zero progress on getting his own place. He works full time and even went out drinking twice last week, but when I asked about apartments he said “the market’s crazy” and he’s “still figuring it out.”
I finally sat him down and said he needs to be out by the end of the month. He got quiet and said I was “kicking him when he’s down” and “heartless.” My husband feels stuck in the middle but says “he is my best friend, babe, and he’s going through a lot.”
Now Chris barely speaks to me and my husband keeps giving me sad looks. AITAH for putting my foot down?
Comments
NTA .. the couch surfing days for Chris at your house are over
NTA – but I feel where your husband is coming from. At the end of the day though yall sound like you’ve done your part and it’s time for him to make a move. A discussion your husband should have with him not you.
Chris is a grown man – two months is plenty of time to “Figure it out.” Time for Chris to leave!
NTA. This guy is taking major advantage of you and he needs to go.
Not the AH. He has not done anything and has not tried to find a replacement or solution for the house situation.
Uptademe
NTA he has to go. A few weeks has already turned into two months. Next it’s going to be a few years. When you and your husband have a baby or move Chris is going to try and be right there. It’s better to yank the band aid off now than wait years when he’s gotten really comfortable.
NTA. Just ask your husband who he wants to live with, you or Chris. He can’t have both.
NTA, but you should really have handled that together with your husband. You need to be on the same page when it comes to something like this, otherwise he’ll just keep guilting you.
Bye bye, Christopher. You should have been helping to clean, maybe cook, or buying pizza for everyone once in awhile, doing little things to show appreciation for the free place to stay. You blew it.
Nta, although I do feel like your husband should have been the one to have the conversation.
2 months is plenty of time to at least have some idea of where he is going. And he should do his part in keeping the place tidy and clean, and contribute to bringing food into the home. He is taking advantage of your generosity.
NTA. Unfortunately, we never think a couple of weeks will turn into a couple of months since we don’t want to think our friends are going to take advantage. What you do have going for you is you don’t need to feel guilty since he’s working. Your husband may feel bad for his friend and because he’s his friend, doesn’t get how inconvenient it is to have someone sleeping on the couch and not even helping out with groceries.
NTA. The market excuse is crazy. Is he waiting for the prices to go down or for more houses to be built?
Be prepared to move out on your own. If your husband doesn’t step up and squash this, you MAY have to make him choose. ( I’m also 63, I don’t take that kind of shit anymore, hell no)
NTA – guess we know why his partner cheated (cheating is bad, no matter the reason). He knows how to play the victim and take advantage of people.
I would tell your husband he needs to figure this out, and until he does, all wifey duties are suspended.
No cleaning, cooking, cuddles, sex etc!
I’d just tell my husband, “It’s either Chris or me.” Tell him to use his “drinking” money for his own apt.
And BTW, is “his” apt in Chris’s name? If it is, he needs to give notice and get his deposit back. This guy doesn’t seem to understand his priorities.
NTA at all! I think we can figure out why Chris got dumped….
I feel for Chris, I’m sure we all do, but if your husband is so concerned why is he not helping to get him out? Like, we get that they’re best friends and that’s great, but that’s just all the more reason for your husband to take him to go look at apartments and get him more pumped up for life, not more reason to let him molder on your couch.
Your husband should not be stuck in the middle.
You are his spouse, his partner in life, and it’s YOUR shared home.
Not his best friend’s. And helping out for up to one month is reasonable, but friend continuing to mooch around and not sort himself out is unacceptable and your husband needs to grow a pair and understand that they aren’t teenagers any more.
NTA. For the sake of your husband’s friendship he needs you to be the heavy. You’re doing what any reasonable person in the situation would do.
Or he can stay for $200 a week. That’s gonna light a fire under his lazy ass.
NTA
You agreed to a couple weeks, not a new permanent roommate
The couple weeks came and went
Tell husband that his best friend can stay if he starts paying 1/3 of all costs… Up front
I’m betting Chris will leave quite soon after that rule is enacted. I’m sure he has another couch available
NTA, Chris needs to get his shit together.
NTA ask your husband if he would rather live with you or with Chris, because it won’t be both.
NTA. Two weeks is two weeks.
Going out twice to drink? “The market is crazy”… But hey, let me go blow money at a bar? umm… Yeah, you are doing the right thing here. No need for you to support Chris’ lack of responsibility.
NTA. A lot people who go through what Chris went through aren’t lucky enough to have friends who’ll put them up for a couple of months. They get on with life, find a new place and move on.
You’ve been very kind to help him. But it’s not his place and he now needs to move on
Let me understand: he takes over the living room, doesn’t clean up after himself and doesn’t contribute to the household in any way? At least now we know why the girlfriend was done with him.
NTA
Nta
He needs to figure out his own stuff
You have been mire than generous
Your husband is most likely glad you put your foot down. God forbid he man up and do it himself. Good luck nta.
NTA
If he realized the market was so bad that he couldn’t afford it, then he should’ve been using his time with you all to make arrangements for more permanent accommodation with family or someone else. Especially since you both clearly aren’t on board with accommodating him (which shouldn’t have been just expected of you all on his part) and your home doesn’t have the space for him to stay long term!
NTA. You gave him a safe place to land after a breakup, which was kind. You didn’t sign up for a permanent freeloader. Two months is more than enough time for him to figure out his next steps, especially since he’s working full time. The fact that he’s going out but not apartment hunting tells you everything you need to know. Your husband is also a problem here; he should be backing you up, not making you feel guilty for wanting your home back.
I think your husband and Chris should go get a place together.
Tell your husband this: “I’d feel more comfortable with Chris staying if he’ll clean up his own messes and cook 2 meals a week.”
Chris will find his own place pretty quickly.
Would Chris be inclined to leave if you were having loud sex?
NTA.
What he’s waiting to find another chick to freeload off?
Because he was evidently doing that if the only thing that has changed was he was dumped for someone else.
I would still put up a friend in trouble, but would have serious boundaries and possibly written agreements in place next time. The last one stayed a year and a half…
NTA. Chris needs to start paying rent, and then make sure to put in some applications this week. If he says he “can’t find housing”, have some options available for him. more than likely, he wants something on par with that he had with his exgf but that was housing secured with 2 incomes not 1. he’s going to have to get housing he can afford, even if it isn’t what he wants.
A few weeks has turned into 2 months – if this continues, he’ll be there for another year. Friends are there for friends, but they don’t take advantage of that kindness. Chris is taking advantage; time for him to go so the friendship remains intact
Nta and two months is long enough to get another place and buy you some bottles of wine as a bare minimum thank you…
DO NOT back down, or he will be there for years
You probably should have discussed it with your husband first instead of going rogue. So kind of an asshole.
If you don’t kick him out now, he’ll be with you for two years. It’s what happened with my parents. My dad’s friend was going through a really messy break up and we expected him on our couch for maybe a few weeks at most.
Two years later, he finally got another girlfriend and moved out.
Dude was in his 50s.
He’s 30 years old you do him no favors by enabling I don’t think you’re the a** I think you sat down and he showed progress in getting off the couch and picking up after himself and looking for a place and a job that’d be one thing
Info
Time frame was a few weeks per you he is at 2 months (slightly over but not crazy). Your annoyance is him essentially being a slob which is valid. Before you sat him down to give him a move out date did you do any of or some of the following?
NTA You were more than generous giving him space for two months. It’s not your responsibility to house someone indefinitely, especially when he’s not actively trying to move out. Setting boundaries is totally fair.
NTA.
Stunned paralysis is a reasonable response to Chris’ trauma. But he’s obviously recovering if he is capable of socializing. In my experience, men are like toddlers: they must have a reason to change their direction. Hubby can help guide him to see having his own space is the best path to recovery. And men seem to have an all-or-nothing perspective. Perhaps Chris is thinking he must look at a long-term lease when in reality he needs a month-to-month lease to decide if he likes an area. Suggest he sit down with Chris (when you’re not around) and ask how he can really help his friend – it could be as simple as accompanying Chris when looking at apartments. NTA.
…..couldn’t move in with family???
I went through this with my brother-in-law and he said he would give us money towards groceries rent utilities, whatever and every single time it came time to help his wallet magically disappeared. That’s when I told my husband I’m done after four months bye-bye and he put his big boy panties on and figured it out. This guy is clearly taking advantage.
Couch suffering for a week is acceptable 2 months is overstaying and abusing your friendship. He’s not down anymore he’s lazy and comfortable. The market is rough but he doesn’t need a park avenue apartment. Your husband shouldn’t be stuck he should have chosen your side.
There has to be a limit at some point, and you are the one to determine that, because your man is emotionally vested. Be reasonable that’s all, but be firm and decisive. When the time is up, he must leave
NTA. He can get a cheap hotel while he figures it out.
You did the right thing. Chris needs to know where he stands and your husband isn’t going to step up and speak out. NTA
Nah. Protect your space.
NTA. A temporary solution is just that. When you are imposing on someone else it’s up to you to make the imposition last as short amount a time as possible. Also, he broke up with his gf. It’s not as if she died accidentally or that he lost his job. He needs to get it together.
Well where would he go if y’all didn’t exist? He needs to be independent. Not a mooch for the rest of his life. I hope he’s giving y’all some money.
Husband…either he moves out or I do. Your friend is using your friendship for free room and board. and has now damaged your marriage. You told me a couple weeks, it’s been over 2 months.
On August 1st if he is still living here, I will be moving out
NTAH
NTA- Just ask your husband who he wants there you or Chris
Because you don’t wanna live with Chris the couch surfer
No honey. He’s not even helping you in the household and he expects you to do his laundry? Nahhhhh. Since he works full time he can definitely afford a studio or an apartment. He’s probably stretching the “weeks” out and stalling. Tell him he has two weeks or else he’ll find himself in the streets. You need to feel comfortable in you home too…..
Just no. He’s not pitching in or even cleaning up after himself. Two months is more than generous. He has a job, so there is no excuse.
The best friend is a mooch and you’re going to need a new couch. Chris is a grown man who is acting like a teen. Maybe his lack of responsibility got him put out from the ex-gf’s home. He has a job. He should’ve saved enough money by now to get his own place, room, cardboard box. Either way, time for hom to move on.
Just wondering if this guy ever paid anything in rent? Went through an identical situation years ago with a workplace friend of my SO (Significant Other). It went on for about two months or so. Lazy, dirty dishes left in the sink, wet towels on the floor and dirty laundry strewn about and never paid a dime of the very reasonable rent we agreed upon either. Had the same well paying job as my SO too. I didn’t have to say a word, SO gave him his walking papers. And we actually got a letter from his mother about how heartless we were, and making excuses for him. That was twenty some years ago. As I have warned other people on this forum, always check the Tenants Right’s laws in your neighborhood. They are probably the same all over, I guess, which is why you read about all the problems that people are having getting rid of squatters these days. Good Luck!
You’re being taken advantage of, absolutely NTA.
It’s fair to assume he’s depressed. You and hubs have given him support but sometimes it’s hard to move forward in that state without a gentle kick in the butt. You did the right thing.
No
I understand about wanting to help someone down on his luck for a temporary crisis housing situation. My husband and I do this with regularity. We’ve labeled our guest room as an angel room for this purpose and have history of taking folks in: hospice friends who didn’t want to die in a hospital, my son’s 18yo friend who’s parents were divorcing and didn’t want to live with either parent, people who were going through a divorce. Each time we create an agreement mapping out family rules, terms of stay and rent (which we usually return when they move out or in the case of hospice we return to survivors). Did you pay out your terms before letting this person move in? If you did not do that, it’s hard to go back but you can try so you will not be taken advantage of. Your partner needs to be 100% supportive or this 3rd person will become a lightening rod to issues within your marriage. Good luck!
You are in the right. Your husband is being an AH to you about this. Thirty years old is plenty old enough to go out and get an apartment immediately after a split up. If this is a real story the best friend is taking advantage and you did the right thing.
Your husband is choosing his best friend over you. He is the problem.
Maybe your husband and his BFF can get their own place.
NTA. In the future, remember the rule for free time is six weeks, at which point they pay an outrageous amount of rent that encourages them to move out.
Maybe this is why Chris got cheated on in the first place. 🤭 You kicking him out may be the catalyst he needs to move his tush and step up and be a man. I don’t even know how others can feel so comfortable taking advantage of other people. I’d be in there cooking and cleaning you wouldn’t want me to leave because I’d be so helpful! 😂
NTA, he’s a hobosexual
NTA. Please explain that if his friend is more important to him than you, you can leave instead. Only say this if you are willing to move out, though! This is emotional blackmail, and even if he leaves you will still need to fully address this with your husband, as this is concerning behaviour.
Tell your husband to choose who he wants to live with. That if he isnt out by aug 1st you will be moving to a hotel.
There’s an app called coucsurfing or something like that. Recommend it to his lame ass
What a loser.
Nope. NTA. Your house. Your Husband, your sheets, water couch food and electricity.
Is Chris chipping in? If he isn’t chipping in as of tonight you sit his ass back down and tell him he’s not couch surfing for free here. If he doesnt clean up after himself he WILL and must hire a housecleaner of your choice to come in and clean the home. He can afford to chip in after being there a good month.
I dont give a legit shit how depressed he is. Or his excuse of “being kicked while down and out” its called grow your balls back and have a pair out there in this big world of scary things.
Two months. 8 weeks of creating a mess for you to visually digest. You did not marry him. You tell him this. You also tell him that if he has a major issue with you then tell his therapist. You and your husband are his friends and that he has no right to take advantage of your kindness given that he’s eaten thru your fridge and cabinets.
You need to remind your husband for as much as you both love Chris, Chris needs to be proactive and if he can’t land a place in the next month or so, then he needs to go rent a room at the local motel/hotel/rent & board chain and grow up like most adults now. Couldn’t care less how much the average rent is. He can call up a real estate agent and have one or a few realtor’s look for apartments on his behalf. What that takes legit..20 mins to do? He can’t stop playing with himself to make that phone call?
Also the fact is your couch .. is now about to become your legal lease/rental agreement. Agree on a date to move out. Sign it in front of a notary and leave the contract with him. You advise your husband that he needs to get on top of this with his friend or ask him to remove his presence from your living room and home. Fact is he can then start claiming he’s a resident (when he starts paying you an agreed price but then you can’t legally get him out) All of the sudden he’s the room mate causing marital issues.
Tell your husband sex is off the table till he leaves and smile while nodding at him up and down ..and why yes, you mean it. u/Fragrant-Stretch1981
He should be paying something, buying his own food, and cleaning. He is a mooch. NTA.
I can not imagine firstly, having to be told to leave the place that people were putting me up because I’d overstayed their hospitality. I’d have been looking for a place full time, communicating with them, asked for an extension if necessary, asked what I could do around the house if I couldn’t afford rent, kept my area clean, and tried to mitigate any extra effort on their part. If I ever was asked to leave I wouldn’t give pushback or try to guilt them in a million years. This entitlement is crazy to me. He has a full time job, stay in motel, or a hostel or a backpackers or try another friend. NTA. Tell your husband they can both find a place together if he won’t back you.
Is Chris paying rent?
NTA. Unfortunately your husband has to be with you on the decision to kick him out. But if he leaves his laundry on the floor, I’d throw it in the back yard. Try to find ways of making it uncomfortable for him to stay there. r/unethicallifeprotips can help If this makes it uncomfortable for your husband to, do much the better. Vacuuming at 6:00 am, for example.
I think he needs to re-assess the definition of “heartless” because letting someone stay with them for 2 months isn’t that. He should, however identify with what the word “moocher” means, because he fits that one perfectly. Dude has worn out his welcome.
NTA. Sounds like husband is sick of it too but doesn’t want to say anything and he needs to grow up and tell his friend he’s being gross and really disrespectful to you both for acting like this in your home
Easy answer. NO
YTA, you should be providing at least 30 days notice. If you have to legally give that much notice to a tenant, you should be going above that as a friend.
He is 30 not 20, he needs to put on his big boy pants and find a bedroom. NTA
As an employed 30ish male, he should be able to find decent accommodation without mooching off if and inconveniencing you and your husband. He’s totally self-involved and oblivious to the needs of those around him – which is likely the reason for his recent breakup. He needs to grow up and take responsibility for his own life.
NTA.