So… I’ve been married for a little over a year now. I’m 22. He’s 26. And I swear, I didn’t sign up for this level of stress. Everything was fine at first. His mom was nice like, overly polite nice. Fake nice. And I tried. I really did. I’d help with dinner, compliment her cooking, do the small talk thing even when I hated it. I just wanted to be accepted. Or at least tolerated. But then it started. The constant little comments. Like, “Oh, his ex used to make lumpia every Sunday. ” Or, “You don’t really cook, do you? His ex was such a good cook.” Or, “You’re not really into makeup, huh? His ex always looked so polished.” Every. Single. Time. We visit her. It’s always her. Like I’m just some bargain bin replacement. Like I’m not good enough. Like I’ll never be her. And yeah, I brushed it off for a while. I told myself, “She’ll get over it.” Or, “She just misses the ex, whatever.” But it’s been MONTHS. And it’s getting worse. Like one time, she literally brought out an old photo of him and his ex during dinner and just… left it on the damn table. Like??? Why? The last straw? We were sitting in her living room last weekend and she said with her whole chest “You know,
I really thought he’d end up with someone like her. Not that I don’t like you, but… she just had that wifely presence.” I froze. My stomach dropped. And I just blurted out, “We’re not the same person. I’m not her, and I never will be. If that’s a problem, maybe stop inviting me over.” It got real quiet after that. She just stared. My husband looked like he wanted to disappear into the floor. Then she got up, went to the kitchen, and didn’t come back. Now he’s upset with me. He says I disrespected his mom. That she’s just “stuck in the past.” I told him I’ve been biting my tongue for months and I finally snapped. He says I overreacted. That I made it “awkward.” I get it. That’s his mom. But I’m his wife. I feel like I’m constantly being measured against someone who’s not even in the picture anymore. I’m exhausted. It’s like I’m in some competition I didn’t even sign up for. So yeah… now I’m the bad guy apparently. But honestly… Aita?
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your husband should have your back. yeah, it’s his mom, but you’re his wife. it’s not fair for you to feel like you’re in competition with someone who’s not even around anymore
I would have stopped going long before this.
Gotta ask… when you brought this up to him in the past what did he say about it?
I completely understand, “keeping the peace,” however when someone is blatantly disrespecting you, you are allowed the opportunity to nip that in the bud. It’s not easy nor is it fun but it stops the emotional outbursts.
Not stating your feelings aren’t valid, they are. I would just highly recommend protecting your peace and not being afraid to hit someone disrespecting you with a simple, “oh what did you mean by that?”
Right now, mom has the opportunity to feign that you emotionally attacked her and truly fuck that asshole.
NTA your husband only got mad after you reacted. I had the something similar with my ex husbands grandma, she would dig at everything, his brother would even stick up for me, but he’d always say I was being sensitive and she doesn’t mean it. Even my dog who’s very friendly would run away from her.
This is classic negging from her.
I’d start comparing your MIL to your ex’s moms. See how she enjoys that
NTA – Your husband’s reaction is concerning. You should be his main priority, and he’s embarrassed that you finally stood up to his mother, who has been horrible to you. He is the one who should straighten her out. If he cannot do that, I do not have high hopes for the marriage.
Wanna be creeped out? The old lady fantasizes that SHE is the doting, makeup wearing, lumpia every Sunday wife to her own son.
You are second in your current husband’s life. Without an intervention and therapy, sooner or later the resentment will build and one of you will pull the trigger on this tenuous marriage.
He WILL go back to his first love. And guess what? I bet you she’s NOT the ex.
Chances are mommy/girlfriend drove the first ex away as well.
NTA Your husband is being willfully blind to his mother’s harassment. That is a problem. Especially if he doesn’t man up and do some self reflection on what’s important: a healthy relationship or pleasing mommy dearest. He’s in a defensive mindset. Disarm that particular minefield first. Start the conversation saying you don’t blame him for his mother’s CONSTANT comparisons to his ex and ask how he’d feel if your parents did the same thing to him? Then see where it goes from there. If the answer poorly and he does nothing about his mother’s treatment of you then you have some things to think about. Like if you’re cool having this argument for the rest of your marriage, either having an antagonizing relationship with his mother or her doormat and this is just the opening act of this crap show. Like I said if he ain’t putting in some kind of effort nor has your back then is this really worth it? Also drop the rope with Mil. Nothing you do is going to be enough to please someone who has already decided that you’re not what they want. You don’t have to meet her level of petty regardless of how satisfying it would be. Some fights are honestly more entertaining when you watch them burn themselves out like the overgrown toddler in an adults body they are.
How about you Say to her that she has a weird fixation on his EX and that maybe she should ask her out for date
NTA- your husband should have had your back. It appears she an ex girlfriend not an ex wife. Next time say she wasn’t wife material because I’m the wife and she’s a ex girlfriend. But, your husband needs to be the one to handle his mother. You need to tell him, you need to handle your mother or I will and it won’t be petty. This has to be nipped in the bud now.
Your husband should be embarrassed that u had to defend yourself instead of him. He is such a wuss ..
She shouldnt be comparing you to others. Thats just rude.
“If you didn’t defend me, you can’t get mad at how I defended myself.”
I would not argue with his mother. MIL tend to switch on the victim role the second things get uncomfortable.
Your husband is the issue. He needs to get hoe inappropriate it is. I’m toxic so I would ask him if it’s oke to compare him to your exes. And then I would do it. Every time hid mother crossed that line. And remind him that only he has the power to stop it.. because it’s his mother’s fault. She brought in the comparing game into your dynamic. See how long that lasts.
NtA
NTA your husband should be defending you against his Mom’s crap. Someone had to say something
Your husband needs to talk to his mom about her disrespect for you. Today. Only after that might you consider an apology only for your abruptness but not your words themselves as she hurt your feelings and disrespected you each time she mentioned the ex. Ask her if her MIL had done this how she would have reacted. Of felt. While I don’t believe you should apologize I also realize that sometimes you can help change someone’s behaviour thru kindness- ONCE. And only after she addresses her behaviour with you and you know your hubby has your back.
NTA, now you know that your husband is a mama’s boy.
He is a thick-ass AH and YTA if you don’t dump him
NTA
He should have put a stop to it the second time it happened. I say the second time to allow for the “stick in the past” bs. She knows what she’s doing and so does he.
Married at 21.. curious wat the rush was? If u been together a while she’s talking about someone he dated as a teenager or..? Also ur husband doesnt care if u feel disrespected and calls it overreacting. U should think about that.
NTA – this is a husband problem, not a MIL problem. She regularly disrespects you but apparently your feelings aren’t valid.
NTA. Your husband could have prevented the blow up by talking to his mom about her comments and behavior. If he had, you probably wouldn’t have gotten to that point. I suggest not going over to visit until she can get past her issues.
You married the wrong guy. The dude will never have your back. Nta
Your husband is a spineless mama’s boy. NTA. He needs to stand up for you, but he won’t.
NO! No no no! He DOES NOT get to be mad and do that “you disrespected his mom” shit after he has allowed this to go for MONTHS! He should have stopped that months ago! And if this is how he’s going to be, then you need to decide how long you’re going to put up with being second in his life. He has allowed her to disrespect his wife for way too long. Do NOT have kids until you get this ironed out. She may have done all of this with the intention of hoping you’d snap and she’d put a rift between you and your husband or would give her a reason to play victim and then have a reason to hate you and be openly shitty to you in the future. I have a hard time believing she didn’t do this on purpose.
And by not standing up to you he has forced you to do it. Which will most likely cause you two to dislike each other. I really hate it when guy decides to “stay out of it” and leave their partner out to dry and not defend them. How long did he expect you to put up with this ABUSE? Hmmm? AH! Then they try and act all shocked when the whole thing escalates and explodes and now everyone hates each other’s guts and then they stand around like ”I don’t know what happened!!” Then blame everyone else but themselves. It’s infuriating. (I hope you let him read my response.) Your husband needs to grow tf up and be a man. If he can’t then he shouldn’t have gotten married. Because right now he’s on his way to undermining his own marriage. I would not stay with him if he can’t do the right thing.
You don’t want to put up with this for the next 10, 20 or even 30 yrs. My friend put up with her nasty MIL for 23 yrs. She now wondered why she stayed with that POS ex for as long as she did. Once he allowed his mom to hate her it never let up and she was determined to ruin their marriage. And she eventually did. She finally got her precious baby boy back at 50 yrs old. Needless to say his dad is PISSED that he has both sons living at home at 50+.
You deserve better. You’re only 22. You still have your whole life ahead of you. If you think you’ve made a mistake don’t hesitate to pull the plug now before you’re in it to long.
NTA
Maybe you should give him the opportunity to marry her
Your husband didn’t defend you to his rude mother. He is tah she is tah. Maybe she did the same thing to his ex and that is why she isn’t around. Your husband sounds like a weak pathetic whimp
She was mean and tried to make u feel small. You just Told her that’s what she was doing. And it needed to be told. You need to say it again to her if needed. And your husband needs to stand up for u not be complicit in her bulling u.
Don’t shy away from calling her out again if she crosses the line again.
NTAH, You had every right to stick up for yourself bc your husband certainly isn’t. I’d stop going to her house and let him go alone. You don’t need the stress. He married you not the ex and she needs to keep her mouth shut. My oldest daughter had a boyfriend that after he lived with us for awhile my late husband kicked him out bc he left drug paraphernalia in the bathroom (not weed either). They had 2 young children. We told her if he wanted to see his kids he couldn’t do it at our house. She could go to his mom’s house. She only saw him for the kids. Of course they thought he was wonderful, probably bc he could act like a kid. We never bad mouthed him to them. As he got older our granddaughter thought he was terrific, but her older brother loved him, but didn’t think he was as terrific as she did. He started to mature and be a better father and then got sick and died. I only went to his funeral to be there for our grandkids. They now have an uncle (our younger daughter’s husband that is more of a father to them than he ever was)
The next time the three of you are together and she starts in on you, simply say “Yes MIL X is better at that. Just remember – your son divorced her for a reason” or, if x wife divorced him then the burn is “Yes, she is so perfect, she divorced your son.”
NTA. Tell her “Apparently that’s not what he wants, because he chose me!” Every single time she compares. If your husband (who should have been handling this with his mom) can’t stand up for you, maybe it’s time to rethink your situation. It only gets worse with time.
1 day old account
NTA. I think when she starts with how great the ex was I would just say – there is a reason she’s the ex – dh couldn’t live up to her perfection either and got fed up being feeling second best.
NTA. You didn’t make anything awkward – MIL did. If your husband can’t see that and support his wife, maybe he should be with the ex and you should be with a man whose mommy doesn’t have his balls in a drawer somewhere.
Please, it doesn’t even care that it’s mom has been constantly putting you down and comparing you to it’s ex, it just watches it happen and doesn’t care how much it upsets you but God forbid you stand up for yourself
NTA…you do matter and you deserve better….hubby is a douche for not backing you..imagine if you compared him to one of your ex’s…he’d explode….avoid her – do you and stop putting yourself into an awful situation….let hubby go see her on his own….protect yourself and don’t lose your identity- stay you 😉- you deserve so much better 💙
Nta but the problem is you married a mummy’s boy, he’s not putting her in his place. You need a reckoning with your husband
NTA – You spoke up for yourself when your husband failed to do so. You did nothing wrong in my opinion. He seems more concerned about his mother’s feelings, even when she’s been called out for her rude behavior. He needs to understand you’re his wife and priority not his mother.
NTA. Stop having anything to do with her. Ask him how he’d feel if he has ronsit through your family comparing him to your ex.
NTA. Good for standing up for yourself. Now, you need to set clear consequences. If mil mentions the ex, get up and leave. Every time. If hubby doesn’t shut mom down immediately, tell him he’s earned a night on the couch. Every time. If either argues or gives you lip, increase the time out.