I’m losing my mind over this. My mother in law acts like she runs our house like actually runs it even though she lives three states away. It started small. She’d ask what we were spending on groceries. Then she’d question why we bought certain brands. Like, “Why not just get the store brand rice?” Okay, whatever. I brushed it off. But then she started messaging my husband every week about our expenses electricity, internet, even our laundry detergent. She once called me at 8AM just to ask why we spent $180 at Costco. I told her we stocked up for the month and she said, “That’s not how I would do it.” I bit my tongue. The worst part? My husband lets her. He’ll sit there on speakerphone while she goes through our budget line by line like some accountant from hell. And if I say anything? I’m the “disrespectful” one. Last week was my breaking point. She had the nerve to tell me we shouldn’t spend more than $40 a week on groceries. For two adults and a toddler. I said, straight up, “This is our house. We’ll manage our money how we want.” She got quiet. Then she told my husband I was “out of control” and “needed to learn how to be a wife.” I saw the message on his phone. He didn’t even defend me. He just said, “She means well.” I cried in the bathroom. I just wanted to scream.
I work full time, I budget everything, and I’m still being treated like I’m some spoiled idiot. It’s like I’m constantly being watched. Judged. Controlled. And for what? She doesn’t pay our bills. She doesn’t live here. She just wants control. Now my husband’s mad that I “snapped” at his mom. Says I could’ve been more respectful. But I’ve been holding it in for months. I feel like no matter what I do, I’m the villain. So tell me…AITAH?
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you’re not the villain and your husband doesn’t have a backbone, your husbands mom knows this and will continue to treat you like this unless you do something about him OR you do something about her. stand up for yourself.
This is beyond inappropriate and your husband needs to shut her down. Good on you for speaking up.
How does she know just cut off access to the information
You have a husband problem, not a MIL problem.
NTA. Don’t discuss finances with her at all. If your husband tells her something and she calls or texts you about it just don’t respond or tell her to talk to her son. You’re under no obligation to discuss anything with her.
It might be a good idea to do a few marriage counseling sessions with your husband so he can learn how to detach himself from his mom a bit and back you up.
You have a husband problem not a MIL problem 😬
My condolences for you for having a spineless bellend for a husband, however please stop talking about your finances with her immediately. You are a grown up and there is no requirement to share this kind of information with anyone. Good luck, I wish you all the best.
NTA in any way, shape or form. Your MIL is wiiiildly overstepping, and your husband needs to grow a spine and set some very firm boundaries.
Also, your MIL is insanely out of touch if she thinks $40 will feed an adult, a manbaby and an actual baby for a week. You might want to ask her if she might need to be screened for dementia since apparently she doesn’t know what time period she’s living in.
How does she know this stuff?? You need to cut off her access and put her on a serious information diet.
Also, your husband is an ass and he needs an attitude adjustment. Read up on these kinds MILs at r/ JUSTNOMIL.
She pays, start saving you money, by spending hers, so when she pays, she has a say
Until she puts up, tell her to shut up
NTA
NTA, if she’s not paying the bills or living there she doesn’t get a say. your husband needs to stop acting like she’s the third roommate.
Why are you crying about this? Just tell her she’s acting ridiculous and hang up the phone. There done.
NTA. You sure this the man you wanna live your life with? This the support you want to grow old and die with?
You have been a patient floor mat. Your husband needs to permanently severe those apron strings. I’d have put her in her place from the start and told him to decide if he wants to be a husband or his mommy’s little boy
NTA. Don’t bite your tongue and let it build up. Block her or respond that it’s non of her business every time she comments. Come up with a script and repeat it every single time. “This is none of your concern and I’m not discussing it with you.” Don’t explain or debate.
You need to have a big talk with your husband about this though. It’s ridiculous that he’s going over receipts with his mother. It’s incredibly disrespectful of you. He needs to know this is a big deal. It doesn’t really matter if she means well or not. He’s an adult with a child he needs to cut the apron strings already.
Yup! Let her see the line item where you pay for a marriage counselor. F that noise. Your husband needs to grow up. And, start speaking your mind anytime she crosses a boundary. No need to make her life comfortable, or your husband’s.
Give him more of a reason to be mad. Get a separate bank account and don’t share your finances with him. “I don’t speak to anyone about my personal life except my husband.” Shut this down now. It’s a deal breaker.
NTA and I’m sorry you married a jellyfish.
You need to shut her down. Don’t answer any questions with anything but, ‘mind your own business’ or ‘none of your business’ or even better, the next time you mention this I will end this conversation.
Then you end the call. She calls straight back and starts again, tell her she’s in a 2 week time out. After 2 weeks if she mentions it again, it’s a 1 month time out. That this is how it’s going to be if she ever wants to talk to you again.
As always, you have a husband problem. How happy do you see this marriage being if he never stands up for you? There’s a reasons posts like this are always a precursor to divorce.
“I don’t report to anyone but my immediate family about our finances. This intrusiveness needs to stop, or we can no longer have a civil relationship.”
Husband, you’re going to have to choose.
In other words, your husband is in a relationship with his mother where they’re discussing your finances. You have a husband problem. Your mother-in-law is not the issue because she doesn’t live with you and she doesn’t help you with finances. Nor is she sharing personal information with someone outside of her household, this is all your husband. Your husband is the problem here because he’s sharing your financial information with his mother. Without your consent.
I don’t often recommend this, but I do in your case: start separating your finances. Don’t contribute any of the money you earn from your job. And let him be the only one to pay for things. Start saving your money. Your mother-in-law is correct, right? You need to be smart and start saving your money.
You have a mommas boy/husband problem. Keep us Updateme!
How is she accessing your budget?! Your bank statements? I assume your husband is telling her this information? Are you sure he isn’t deliberately involving her because he wants to rein you in?
It sounds as though he’s not going to help you, which is the bigger problem. So you can’t control her or him. If her problem is the food budget then why don’t you reassign grocery shopping to him, and he can go through it with her every week? Anything else she’s upset about becomes his task to deal with. Cleaning not good enough? He does it from now on. Etc etc.
Would you consider (temporarily) splitting off some finances that your husband can’t see or be involved in, and then tell her she needs to talk to your husband about the ‘family budget’.
NTA. She does NOT mean well. She is an offensive3, over-reaching meddler. Your husband needs to get her in line.
How does she have access to your financial records? How does she know where you are spending money? This access needs to be cut ASAP.
She is in the wrong and your husband isn’t far behind. She should not have this information and should not feel free to comment on how you two as adults spend your money. You need address this with your husband and a therapist asap.
NTA, but my immediate question is why does she have access to your finances at all? That needs cutting off straightaway
NTA.
It’s time you have a come to Jesus talk with your husband about his mother trying to run your lives and him letting her. If he’s not going to have your back and actually “adult” with you, he needs to pack up and move back in with mommy until he’s grown.
Why do you even entertain her at all..from the very first comments you should have say: thank you very much but I dont need help at all to buget and newer talk on that issue with her at all…
You don’t have a mother in law problem. She probably does mean well. But, that isn’t the point. You have a husband problem. Focus on solving the husband problem. Marriage counseling might be a good idea.
AS FOR your husband saying she means well, she probably does. Controllers don’t always know they’re controlling.
Biggest problem here is your husband. First of all how else would she even know what you’re spending if he wasn’t telling her. And the fact that he knows you don’t like it and he doesn’t care tells you everything you need to know about this big old mama’s boy you are married too.
Get your own bank account. Keep your information private even from your husband. Take his portion of household expenses and transfer it to your account. Deal with all the bills yourself. When he grows up, then you can share your finances again.
Updateme
You don’t need to permission to spend your money how you want to. And you deserve the same respect as his mother does.
NTA but you have a husband problem just as much if not more than a MIL problem. You and your husband need to get on the same page STAT that your finances are now to be kept between the two of you. And you need to remind him that you are his wife and he needs to support you and stand up for you more.
Tell her that it’s not 1989 and $40 simply won’t feed a family like it did in her day. Them remind your husband that you are hus life partner and his mother doesn’t contribute to your household so gets no say. NTA.
You have a husband problem.
He’s blabbing to his mother about everything. You need to sit down and have a conversation. He needs to grow tf up and stop telling Mummy every little detail about your lives.
You are not the villain. Your MiL is, and your husband’s enabling her.
NTA
Updateme
Does MIL have access to your accounts? Or is DH telling her? If she has access, stop it, if he is telling her, ensure DH is living off the $40 budget, so that’s about $13 for him for the whole week…sounds like a vegetarian diet and plenty of rice and beans to me. I suspect it would only take 3 days before he is complaining.
NTA
Do not share budget info with MiL.
If she asks say’ don’t you worry about that’ and change the subject.
Tell husband he is not to share this information – it’s infantile and he needs to act like a grown man … in the hope if he fakes it he’ll eventually make it. I don’t know any adults who share this information with parents.
You could ask him why he feels his momma should have or needs this info? What else does he tell her. He sounds like she’s tied him to her apron strings and her doesn’t know how to cut loose. Though if you live states away from her he has tried a bit.
Tell husband that while she may mean well, (which I doubt), her comments are not appropriate nor do the land well. Ask him to ask his buddies if they tell their momma how much they spend. Better still you ask them in front of them and watch them laugh their heads off. If he’s embarrassed- tough.
Stop telling her anything.
Tell your husband if he tells her one more thing about money in your household,
he will be moving in with her and she can give him an allowance.
You have control over the information flow.
If she calls and tried to talk about money – tell her – “we do not discuss money outside this household. It is personal business between us as a married couple.”
If she continues – “I am not discussing this with you. Let’s change the subject.”
Third time – “I told you that I am not discussing this with you. I’m going to hang up now. Bye.”
And it you have to do that more than once. Block her number.
NTA
Am impressed you managed to leave Costco only spending 180.
NTA. Ask her how much is allocated in the budget for a divorce lawyer. Because you will need it shortly.
NTA – but your husband is for not putting his mother in her place.
A lot of people don’t understand the impact of repeated criticisms and micro aggressions. Now that I’m older I would take a more aggressive approach.
Step 1: Ring MIL and start asking her MANY questions about how she manages her own bill.
Step 2: Criticize anything and everything using replies similar to what she uses but insisting that her way is wrong.
“Why didn’t you stock up on that item? It was on special. Don’t you want to save money?”
“I don’t think you understand that there’s more of us. Do you want us to waste money going out to buy more in the middle of cooking”.
“Why don’t you use Electricity Provider X or Gas plan Y?”
THEN, when she disagrees, tell your husband that his mother “snapped” at you and “should have been more respectful”. Insist that “You’re only trying to help because elderly people can’t budget well since they think that $40 is enough for groceries.”. Explain that you’re “so worried about MIL because you think she’ll get malnutrition from poor quality food.”
Open a bank account in your name only and put the money you earn in it. If he wants to let Mommy monitor his finances like he’s 14, fine. But she has no right to monitor yours.
She isn’t being respectful TO YOU! Tell your mama’s boy to grow a pair and tell mom to stay out of your household business. Have him ask her if her MIL did that to her what she did/would have thought about that!
Have separate bank accounts.
Bruh we spend $20-30 a day on food for 4 people. What is she eating PBJ’s every day?
Why does she even have access to your budget? Cut her off! Of your husband is telling her then he is disrespecting you! He’s definitely the problem!
Unfortunately the problem is your husband not his mom not you.. she’s his mom she will try to help him but since he doesn’t stop her she will go further and further until she breaks you guys up and destroys your marriage.. men like that do not change and you will look like the bad one in his eyes when you try to set boundaries. What I did because my husband is exactly the same was that I set my own boundaries about my life. When my mother-in-law would have an opinion over something I would say your son’s right there talk to him.. I don’t need your help I’m doing great. So every time she brings up something I say my money my rules. I don’t even interfere anymore when he talks to his mom.. it was either that or divorce and I decided that I would try to save my marriage by finding other ways to make things work. Now I have my own money and he has his own money and separate bank accounts. Every time someone brings up my spending habits I say my money my rules. Not many words no explanations not being a good girl. I know this isn’t how a marriage works but not all marriages are the same and we try to do our best with what we have..
How does she know what you are spending at various places? Has your husband given her password access to your bank account or something? I’d be telling husband that the next time he shares your private financial information with her, you’ll pack his bags so he can go to live with her and let her manage his pocket money for him. And the next time she calls and ask “what did you buy at XYZ?” I’d reply “Nunya.” Every damned time she asks about our personal financials. The answer is “Nunya.” As in “nunya fucking business.” Then start hanging up, or, better still, block her on everything.
NTA. Respect works both ways. If she had respect for you and your position in her son’s life, she’d keep her thoughts to herself and stop meddling.
You need to rock this momma’s boy’s world! You have a husband problem. This is a dealbreaker and your hill to die on. Either your husband sides with you or you divorce him. Ultimatums aren’t appropriate for most situations but in this case it sounds like your only option. This has to stop now. It’s that serious. If you don’t this is what the rest of your life will look like. Can you live with that? It’s not worth it.
Why is your husband sitting there like a spineless little coward and letting his mommy take this control?
$40? She knows this isn’t the 1950s, right?
NTA
You have a husband problem, not a mother-in-law problem. He needs to stand up to his mother.
But why TF are you even telling her how much you spend anyway?
NTA. First how does she know what brands you are buying in the grocery store? If it was me I’d separate finances with husband and keep all my receipts statements etc in a locked box or at work somewhere husband cannot access. Then tell him he is buying his own groceries etc and he can budget with her ridiculous amount.
Then practice this. Who the fuck do you think you are? You don’t get a say in my finances. Every time she speaks to you about money say this and hang up. Don’t engage past this.
This will give you some immediate control back. Then you tell husband he’s getting into therapy or your serving him divorce papers. I’d also cut off any intimacy until this gets resolved.
You definitely have a husband problem I personally couldn’t be attracted to a man this enmeshed but maybe he brings something else to the marriage that you think makes you want to stay with him
Message to your hubby…. .stop behaving like a spineless mummys boy and put your big boy pants on . Defend your wife , your wife should be your first priority , not your over bearing , disrespectful mother.
I’m wondering how your mother-in-law knows everything about your finances? Who tells her? Why tell her since this is the outcome?
Does she have access to your bank account? She must if she’s calling with specific purchases and questioning you about them.
NTA. Your husband needs to put on his big boy pants and stop sharing every little detail of your life with her. Put her on a massive info diet because, frankly, it’s none of her damn business.
She’s three states away. What’s she going to do? Ground him?
NTA
At this point, just meet her energy, and kill her with kindness.
Or more like patronizing her to a ridiculous level.
‘Nothing gets by you, MIL! Hahaha! You should put your passion for budgeting other ppl’s household to use. I’m sure there are charities local to you, that would love to have someone on board that is as hands-on as you. Seriously! But we’re good, thanks. I don’t know where you get the idea that we’re struggling. We’re doing fine. Other ppl could use your financial wisdom much better than us. .. so, how’s life over in ‘your state’?’
Don’t engage in discussing your actual spending.
‘that’s not how I would do it‘
‘Oh, I’m well aware. Is it still hot/cold/rainy/whatever over there? How’s your (health issue)’
And if she pushes, ‘listen, MIL. I have to get going. (Kid/dinner/whatever) needs me. Nice talking to you. Say hi to FIL for me. Bye’
If your husband wants to discuss the budget with her and be harassed over it, he can. But he can do so… on his own. He can stop roping you into it. If he wants the nagging to stop, he can just tell her to.
Making you do a song and dance, just so he doesn’t have to get in the middle of what he started, is not working for you.
Ultimately, HE is being disrespectful.
If he doesn’t see it, perhaps some role-playing can help, where your father gets hands-on on how your husband should be organizing his tools, or whatever he’s passionate about. ‘Why would you put the sander on the same shelf as the drill? It makes no sense. That’s not how I would do it. At all.’
You work. You contribute to the house. Your husband is going outside your marriage and talking about what you are spending money on – money that you’ve earned yourself.
He can talk about what he personally buys for himself but not what you buy as a family.
You need to stand up to him. This is the sort of shit my momma’s boy ex used to do. His mother was putting pressure on us to buy a house. He hadn’t committed to me and never even spoke of a future with me. The thing I was most glad for after we broke up was that I didn’t have to deal with his mother any more.
Honey, you don’t have a MiL problem, you have a husband problem. NTA for telling her to butt out. but you ARE the AH to yourself for not dealing with your husband. Either he supports you and defends you or you need to make some hard choices. Staying in this situation will quickly lead to a mental, emotional and likely physical break down. Don’t do that to yourself.
You have a seriously enmeshed husband. Tell him that it would be seriously cheaper if you didn’t support him and his mother….
Do you both owe her money?
Has your husband borrowed money from her and you are unaware?
Are you or your husband using a joint account with her?
How does she have access to your banking and credit card statements?
At once, put the line
Tell him he needs to leave and go live with his mommy
She starts again you say “we are not discussing this.” And tell your husband if he tells his mother about your finances moving forward he can pack up and move back to mommy, she can help him budget for child support.
You guys should be able to save a lot on groceries with your husband still breastfeeding. NTA.
NTA. But how does she know what you’re spending? If she has any access to accounts, emails, mail, etc cut that off right now. Contact your banks and tell them that she is not allowed to any of your financial information period.
Next, tell your husband that he is a grown up and he either has your back or his mom’s and if he doesn’t have yours he should go back to mommy’s because he’s acting like a child, and you already have one of those.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, mil’s are death
Block her.
Let him entertain her nonsense by himself.
NTA.