So I need to vent, because I honestly feel like I’m losing it. We were at my husband’s place last weekend for his cousin’s birthday. Nothing big, just backyard food and people trying to act like we’re one happy family. My 6 year old spilled a soda just one of those small accidents. Before I could even move, his mom jumps up and scolds him. Loudly. In front of everyone. I was right there. Right. There. I froze. Like… is this really happening? She didn’t even look at me, didn’t ask if it was okay, didn’t even pause to see if I’d handle it. She just went off telling him how clumsy he is, how he needs to act “more proper” in public. It wasn’t even a full cup. It was on the grass. I pulled her aside and said, “Hey, I’d appreciate it if you let me be the one to talk to my kid. I was literally standing right there.” And she looked shocked. Like I was being rude. She said something like, “Well someone has to teach him manners,” and walked away.
Then it became this thing. Now my husband thinks I “overreacted” and made it awkward. He said she’s just trying to help and I should’ve let it go. But I’m the parent. I’m not okay with someone else jumping in like that, especially when it’s my own child and I’m literally two feet away. And now I feel like the bad guy. Again. I don’t even know anymore. Maybe I’m being too sensitive. Maybe I just don’t like being corrected by her either, and this triggered me more than it should’ve. But also… what kind of mom would I be if I just stood there and let someone else discipline my kid like that? I don’t know. It just felt wrong. It still feels wrong. Aita?
Comments
Dont listen to me cuz I’m a petty asshole but I’d start carrying a small water gun near her. Everytime shes out of line, spray her and say bad kitty
NTA. But she sure is.
No. You are NTA. But your husband is. Tell him there is only one side here. His family’s side. That is the side of you and your child. He may need therapy to understand how toxic his mother is.
Initially, i dont think it was entirely wrong of her to discipline the kid just as an adult that was present. But with some caveats. It sounds like she was a bit harsh about spilling a drink on grass (like that’s really nbd) AND idk if she hs ever done this before and you have already asked her not to. If you had already had a convo with her about leaving the disciplilne to you, then her doing it was out of line.
But her reaction to your asking her not to do it anymore was totally rude and I’d be mad about that too.
NTA
I think it’s important for you to have a conversation about why it’s important that disciplining your child needs to come from you both and no one else. Do it once this matter has died down and emotional aren’t so heavy so he’s not on the defensive.
With grandparents, aunts, uncles, etc you’ve got no control on how they discipline your child and the impact it has on your child. That’s what your husband needs to understand and then he needs to have this conversation with HIS mum to keep out of it in the future. Firmly.
Shit like this is why kids have mental health issues later on. Other people reprimanding a child over a split drink??? Meanwhile if an adult spills a drink it’s literally nothing, not an issue. Can you imagine cussing out a grown person for spilling a drink? You wouldn’t do it to an adult so why would you do it to a child your MIL and husband are both TA. And as well as it being not her place to do it because she’s not the damn parent!!! And if they both don’t get it then you have bigger issues. OVER A SPILT DRINK!?!?!? WTF….
Nta. She should’ve addressed you or simply let you handle it like HIS parents
NTA. Noone should be parenting your children except you and your partner, (unless neither of you are there, of course). And as you say, her reaction to a spill, on grass(!), was way OTT too. MIL is the one with an issue with manners, not your child. Your kid will probably be terrified of drinking anything at his grandparents house now too, great job, Grandma!
I wouldn’t have been happy with that either. Your husband needs to step up, you’re supposed to be a team!
Question: Is your kid the MIL’s grandchild, or is your kid from a previous marriage/relationship? Not that it makes any difference, she was out of line for sure. Just wondering why the attitude toward your child.
“Yes, and that person isn’t you.”
NTA
NTA. Your MIL is a meddler and your husband is the problem. He needs to confront his mom about her unacceptable behavior and rudeness to you when you stopped her. And, who feels the need to yell at a little kid for spilling a drink on the grass. SMH
Every single time she stumbles, bumps, drops, spills something, I would call her out.
” Oh Helen, you really need to be more careful in what you do. “
Yes, it was wrong. Tell your MIL you are the only one to discipline your child and nor do you appreciate her screaming at him.
This is where family has started to fall apart in our society. She is supposed to be grandma, not “someone else”. Maybe she was harder in your kid than you would have been, but that’s not always a bad thing.
Do you scold your six year old for being clumsy if he spills something? I hope not. We all have accidents of every kind during our entire lives. Being scolded for an accidental spill is undermining your child’s confidence. Spilling is NOT bad manners.
You were simply protecting your child from emotional verbal abuse. NTA I’m a mom of a 12 and 9 yo and I would have gone off.
On the grass?? I might have said something like ‘I don’t think the grass likes soda.’ With a big smile. Or ‘Now you have less soda’. Scolding, berating, belittling is way out of line. Even as a third party I might have injected something like ‘Hey, keep it down, accident’.
Spilling, on the grass, by a six-year old has nothing, nothing to do with manners. NTA. More like an angel for a subdued reaction.
NTA.
“Well, someone has to teach him manners.”
Response: “Oh? And who’s going to teach it to you?”
NTA
This is definitely a weak husband problem. He’s choosing to side with her because she’ll give him the bigger consequence if he doesn’t.
Niccolò Machiavelli:
>”Men are driven by two principal impulses, either by love or by fear.”.
>”It is better to be feared than loved, if you cannot be both.”
It’s time to give him a consequence he won’t want to deal with every time he sides with his mother over you and your child. Something he’ll feel more than whatever it is she’ll throw at him.
If he can’t love you enough to protect you then make him fear you more than her.
NTA. MIL was wrong. She totally overreacted AND… her comment that “someone” has to teach him manners was a backhanded insult to you, and possibly your husband… as if your imperfectly (normal) behaving child is somehow a victim of bad parenting. Your husband was raised by that woman, so he’s probably grew up being yelled at in front of other people. He probably learned the hard way not to talk back, either, so he seems to think his Mom’s over corrections are normal. Talk to your husband and about to handle this together, calmly, the next time it happens. It will happen again.
There are times when another adult can discipline someone else’s child. This was not the time. And she was definitely too harsh. And you wonder why some kids don’t like certain grandparents. This is why. She’s not disciplining , she’s MEAN. Your husband needs to talk to her and tell her, accidents happen and it was on the grass for goodness sake’s. Does she want to mop it up?? Please. He better step it up and have your back. NTAH
Why does the kid need to be scolded for spilled soda? What kind of manners does he lack? Ask your husband these questions. NTA
Spilling something has nothing to do with manners. It’s an accident.
Tell your housebound that your MIL didn’t do such a great job with her kids if he thinks shaming a kid for an accident is good parenting or a help in anyway.
Stop taking your kids near her.
She needs to learn some freaking manners before they are safe.
NTA
I’m gonna weigh in on this. Every year, we have a family reunion and tons of other events where all the cousins and aunts and uncles get together. We sing and play guitar, fiddle, etc (yes we are redneck lol). If a kid is doing something they are not supposed to the closest adult handles the situation. For example, one of my cousins kids was pulling the dogs ears. My mom happened to be the closest adult around (so kids great aunt) and she took care of it. Down the grapevine mom was informed what happened and then mom followed up. But my mom didn’t like berate the kid or spank him or embarrass him. Just a hey we don’t do that and here’s why. Don’t do it again.
I find that kind of village parenting is fine but your MIL is playing a power move for control. The kid spilt juice in the grass. So what? It happens. Kids spill and I’m pretty sure a great place to spill is outside in the grass. He’s not improper and he doesn’t need manners. He just had an accident. MIL tried to embarrass him and followed up by embarrassing you by saying someone needs to teach him manners. That is the kind of people I would not be bringing my kid around anymore. NTA and husband needs to cut the apron strings or you need to throw him back.
If your kid spilled sixth cup apparently on purpose and you didn’t say anything, she would maybe have a case. Scold a small kid over an accident? Heck no. NTA
Your MIL is a bully and your husband is a wimp.
I would simply decline to attend his family events. Oh and I would keep my ‘ill mannered’ child home with me lest he embarrass his father in front of his mother, you know, Miss Manners protege.
I hope she doesn’t do day care for him.
She yelled at him: you were right to tell her to stop. You are not the bad guy. A kid spills something, you help them clean it up without shaming them.
Nope! MIL was wrong here! It’s your kid and maybe she finds him annoying but still doesn’t give her the right to teach him anything. If you have not asked her for help she should not step in.
You are NTA. Please don’t let your MIL or your husband make you doubt yourself? They are both wrong. It was Coke, on grass, accidentally spilled by a six year old. It happens. It even happens (gasp!) indoors! And it has nothing to do with “more proper” (umm what? Something is either proper or improper 🙄) or “manners” which, if your MIL had the latter, she’d know how wrong she was. Thank you on behalf of your child for sticking up for him and hopefully nipping this in the bud!
Something is missing from this story.
NTA
Sounds like your husband needs some therapy to deal with childhood trauma that he’s normalizing.
UpdateMe
Wtf, an accident doesn’t require correction, in this case noz even cleanup.
I’d be pissed and we’d be having a conversation.
If the husband sat quietly when his mother was being a bully, he can sit right back down.
NTA. Your kid didn’t do anything terrible and wasn’t hurting anyone. Spilling a drink on the grass is not something that warrants yelling at someone.
Grandma needs to back off. Perhaps she needs a time-out?
NTA, he is your child not hers
NTA she wasn’t “trying to help” she was yelling at your kid for no good reason.
Spilling a drink on the grass isn’t even a bad manners THING.
You’re not overreacting. A six year old doesn’t need to be scolded for a minor mishap at a party. that’s not even competent discipline.
Yelling at a kid telling them how clumsy they are and how they need to act proper is way out of line and will give your kid a complex. First off you need to talk to your child and tell them what grandma said wasn’t OK or right and she never should have yelled at him. Do this before he start enternalizing this shit. If she ever does this again yell at her to stop. You are the one who will discipline your child, not her. You already talked about this in private. Then grab your kid and remove them from the situation. Same stuff with talking to the kid about how grandma was wrong and shouldn’t yell. She’s an adult who can’t behave and doesn’t have manners. Then just leave. If your husband wants to stay then let him. Take your kid and leave until she learns to stop parenting your child. NTA
NTA. He’s SIX, for crying out loud. Anyone, at any age, can have an accident. Next time she accidentally spills something, tell her she needs to act “more proper” in public. As for manners, I’m sure he made a bunch of ants happy by sharing his soda, so she can go sit on a tack.
Older people don’t realize that every child is a winner. They actually use the word “no” sometimes too.
Why does your husband has his own place?
NTA! First of all! 6 yo can spill a drink, 6 yo must spill a drink! That’s normal! I am 48, I can spill a drink! That’s normal! Even if not outdoor. Second. Unlike her, you did nothing wrong. Talk to your husband, he’s been unreasonable! How can anyone else yell at your child when you are there and can handle the situation?!
> She said something like, “Well someone has to teach him manners,” and walked away.
Tell her to fuck off.
Wow. A child spilled something. Better read him the riot act. Yelling at a kid and telling him he’s clumsy is the cure-all. We definitely shouldn’t assume practice is what makes us better at pouring things. 😉
Your husband’s mom is a piece of work. Your husband is a dolt if he thinks yelling at a kid is a good idea when they’ve spilled something.
You have a husband problem. He thinks his mom verbally abusing your child is ok. He needs to be a better father and not a mommas boy.
She’s the one who overreacted, it was literally in the grass and she completely overstepped, she doesn’t get to claim well so one had to do anything when she didn’t even give you the chance. She completely undermined agd disrespected you both as parents. Hubby needs a reality check and to stop enabling mommy. Call them both out, stand your ground and good luck op. UpdateMe!
You handled it much better than any of my mommy friends would of. Their inner mommy bear would of taught evil granny what happens when you mess with a cub.
NTA who tf cares about spilling some juice n grass ffs?!
NTA, and holy cow, it sounds like MIL overreacted to a 6yo spilling. I would’ve had words about more than just her correcting in front of me, she was out of line reacting that way even if she was the only adult around
How is it bad manners to spill a drink?
Tell your husband that until his mother learns her role asa grandmother and not the parent then she will have limited contact with the child and it will be supervised. You do not trust her to act as a responsible adult.
The fact she suggested your son has no manners shows SHE was just being a bitch.
Ask your husband why he’s ok with his mum treating your son like that?!
NTA.
What you did wrong was pulling her aside to tell off. Now your kid doesn’t know you are on his side. Next time (there will be next time, sure) tell her loud and clear, so that everybody in the town can hear “Does it feel better now that you humiliated a 6 year old? You are a bully!”
So your MIL just emotionally abused your son in front of you!! YWBTA if you don’t put a so to this now, and your son may need therapy
Has your husband always been a little mommy’s b°tch?
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NTA. You were right there. It was a meaningless thing that happened and she made it an issue. Your husband is the real problem. Tell him to get his head out of his ass. How was she trying to help? Would she reprimand an adult if they spilled something? I’ve got pretty good manners and I’ve spilled things. They’re both out of line and both sound insufferable.
NTA.
Your husband needs to find his spine when dealing with his overstepping relations, including his mother.
Next time (and unfortunately I feel that there will be a next time), you equally stand up and say “MiL, if there is any correcting to be done here, it will be done by me or Husband so please sit your behind down and we’ll take it from here!” and then go over to your child and have a quiet word with them. Explain how Grandma is getting forgetful and doesn’t realise that she isn’t correcting her own son, so everything is alright, no harm done, run along an play and then give MiL the look of ‘don’t ever do that again in my presence’ as you go to sit back down.
If she repeats the behaviour, leave. Gather your belongings and leave. Let that be one of the consequences of her behaviour – she gets to see you guys less and less.
Start correcting her. Having a small spill is no big deal no matter where it happens. She over reacted big time.
“Someone has to teach him manners” implies the child is not always well behaved, although OP has not mentioned bad manners.
We had relatives bring a young SICK child with a runny nose to an event (it was just a little cold 🙄) and the child was constantly picking up food (cheese from the cheese plate, nuts, crackers, etc) and putting it back and the parents did nothing to correct this behavior. I was horrified 🤷🏻♀️.
Kids spill things and can be a bit clumsy, so can I. Spilled coffee this morning. I would let it go since it seems to be a one-off. MIL has not said anything else to correct kid and kid has not done anything else bad mannered. It was one incident, no need to make it an issue, especially with such a close relative.
I come from a family where everyone raises your kids, grow up the neighbors/aunts/uncle/friends/grandparents could discipline me so I don’t honestly think she did anything wrong. I would have a talk with your husband and just simply let him know that’s not how you want to raise your kids and have him speak to her.
OP, MIL’s bullying can cause lasting esteem problems for your son down the line. Put it to her in terms she’ll understand: any time she corrects your son, you take your son and leave, or kick her out if she’s at your house. Your son needs to clearly see you telling your MIL she’s WRONG to yell at him over an accident – that will help buffer him from any lasting negative effects from her and future bullies.
Husband needs to get this message too.
It isn’t just that she corrected him in front of you. She publicly embarrassed him for a normal 6 year old type accident. She publicly labeled a six year old with normal 6 year old motor skills clumsy. If this continues, it can be very damaging to him.
On the other hand, its perfectly ok, and in this case necessary, to expect an adult to act like an adult. That includes respecting boundaries and not bullying 6 year old kids.
As for your husband, he’s a parent and has a responsibility to his son.
Calling a kid clumsy isn’t correcting him. No wonder your husband can’t stand up to her. She probably berated him his entire life for small things. NTA
NTA
Ask your husband whether he wants to be with you or his mom because right now he’s acting like he’s married to his mom
He spilled soda outside, on the ground, and she reacted like that? God forbid he should spill anything in the house!! NTA
NTA. It is the parents place to correct and discipline the child. Had many aunts and uncles-Both paternal and maternal-My parents trumped over all. Grandparents as well. No one corrected us without my parent’s consent.
Manners? What in the everlasting hell does accidentally spilling a drink have to do with manners? Unless he cussed when he spilled it or it tipped on someone and he forgot to apologize? He’s six-kids are clumsy and they have accidents. She made it a “thing” by calling attention to it and overstepping your authority as his parent. You have every right to speak up and your husband should have your back.
She’s a bully and your husband can’t see that.