I seriously don’t know if I’m losing my mind or just finally seeing things clearly. We’ve been living in our own apartment for like a year now. Nothing fancy, but it’s ours. Just me and my husband, finally building our own thing. For a while, everything felt… normal. Stable. Quiet. Then his mom starts calling almost every day. At first, it was like, “Hey, just checking in,” or “I made soup, want some?” But then she started saying things like, “I don’t feel good lately,” or “My chest hurts sometimes,” or “It’s lonely here at home.” You know… hints. Guilt. And yeah, she lives alone since her husband passed away, so I get that. I do. But lately it’s like she amps it up whenever we don’t visit. Like, she’ll say, “I almost fainted last night but didn’t want to bother you,” or “It’s okay, I’ll just be here… alone… in case something happens.” It’s messed up. I’ve asked my husband if she’s seeing a doctor he says no. Every time he suggests it, she dodges. She only complains when it seems like we’re pulling away or making plans for us. And here’s the wild part. Last week, she straight up said, “If you moved back in here, at least I’d feel safe.” Like she wasn’t even trying to hide it anymore. Just flat out wants us back living with her.
I’m trying to be patient. I really am. But I couldn’t take it anymore. I told her calmly at first that it’s not okay to fake being sick to manipulate her son. I said if she really needed help, we’d be there. But if she’s using illness just to get attention or control, that’s not fair. She got all quiet, then burst into tears, and told everyone I accused her of being a liar and said I don’t care about her health. Now his aunts and cousins are messaging me, saying I’m heartless and disrespectful. And now my husband’s caught in the middle again and just says, “Maybe we should move back just for a bit, so she calms down.” Dude. I can’t. I don’t know anymore. Is it me? Like… am I the one being cruel here? Should I have just kept my mouth shut even if I felt like she was crossing a line? AITA?
Comments
NTAH, Your mil is being an attention seeker. I would get it if she was actually genuinely sick, but every sign is pointing to it being fake.
NTA: You have a husband problem. Tell him if he insists on moving in with her, he can do so alone. He needs to put his foot down and tell her to stop this nonsense.
Ask the family why she doesn’t go to the doctor? If she’s genuinely sick, why not? She’s an attention seeker. It’s ridiculous.
She needs to get a hobby and meet people.
How can you make a big decision like getting married but can’t answer this dumb*** question
[removed]
NTA. If you move back, she will calm down, but once you move out again, she’ll pick it up all over again, so moving back isn’t a solution, it’s a band aid on the real issue is MIL is lonely and leaning on her son for company, which isn’t okay when he’s trying to start his own independent life.
NTA
She could, in theory, be a hypochondriac and she’s lonely and so focused on all of that instead of making a life for herself that she’s convincing herself something is wrong.
Or she could just be lying because she doesn’t want to be alone and wants to hold on tight to her son.
Either way, it’s your husband’s circus and he needs to be setting boundaries with her AND encouraging her to find a community. I suppose if she keeps bringing up health issues and loneliness he could suggest finding an elder home for her that has robust programs and activities and a built in community.
ESH
I say that because what she is doing is so manipulative.
However, this was not your conversation to have. Your husband should have done it.
Clearly, he doesn’t feel the same way you do
NTA, darling. It’s a tough spot. Your husband’s mom sounds lonely, and her words cut deep, but remember, you’re entitled to your own space. Address the manipulation with empathy and firmness, she needs to see you’re serious.
ESH. Yes you should be able to live your own life and your MIL should stop guilting you about it. No, your husband should NOT suggest moving back in, and you really dont know she is making up symptoms, maybe she is sometimes panicky on her own. Your husband needs to talk to her and establish that you both are not moving back in and seek other solutions. Does she need to move to a senior community?, does she need a LifeAlert device to notify someone if she falls? Is she willing to see a doctor to see if she needs medical monitoring of any kind? There are also check in devices (or apps) for seniors to check in so they die alone and no one notices or fall and be stuck for days. IMO you should have talked to your husband rather than attacking her and let him handle her (but NOT move back in). You need to tell him that you are NOT going to spend the rest of her life living with her and “calming her down” by moving back in will not solve the problem. Encourage her to find aome social activities as well (church, gardening club, bingo, senior center, etc)
If she’s not willing to see a doctor then she’s clearly faking it. Anyone who was genuinely ill and truly concerned about it would be willing to get medical diagnosis and care.
That your BF is refusing to see this is a problem, especially as he’s now insisting on moving back in with her.
The difficulty for you is that you can’t win here.
Honestly, this may not be something you can move past in your relationship.
Never go back!
Oh, hell…o. No, NTA. Tell family to move in with her. You need to cut the apron strings. Limit calls. Get her one of those life alert panic buttons. She won’t see a doctor, so obvi not serious.
NAH. Both of you are struggling with the big changes that are happening. She feels like she’s losing her son and husband simultaneously. I cannot imagine how isolated she feels. She probably has had a full house and was busy with everything for the past 20+ years and now its just her. She can only clean so much, she can only go out so much. The method of getting him back isnt the right one but i could imagine doing crazy things if I went from mom and wife being my entire world to not having either. I can see why this frustrates you. You want to branch out and be an independent couple. You want privacy and the ability to choose when you spend time with her. I dont blame you for saying what you did but try to have some empathy as well. Try to include her even if its just a phone call. Id really hope someone would do the same for me if I end up there. This could be the start of an amazing relationship if you foster it and support each other during it. The flip side is that you can isolate your husband from his mother and if something happens to her, he will never forgive you.
Your husband needs a backbone. Move her to an over 55 residential community where she’ll meet people.
Move her to independent living facility that has lots of activities. She needs a life and is using manipulation to get you guys to provide her social life.
sorry! classic guilt tripping. No don’t move back. Work with your husband so he sees her once a day on a bi-weekly basis. This way she gets to spend time with her son and your husband is saved from the guilt tripping and you get a day to yourself.
Does she not have other children?
Ask the police to do a welfare check on her. Let them know she’s been seeming off and depressed and how she’s been saying she’s felt sick but won’t even see a doctor. Idk maybe that might help.
I’ll never understand this family Calvary BS. Two people get in an argument and the bloodline keyboard warriors have to pull up! Cousins, aunts, uncles, second step-cousin twice removed, and the damn dog’s veterinarian show up in the DMs bullying people to fall in line. 🙄 My ex-in laws were bullies like this.
You are NTA. She’s emotionally manipulating her son. Btw, she probably resents you for taking her lil baby boy away. She’s trying to use her son as her partner to fill her loneliness.
YAY the relatives just volunteered to take care of MIL!!! WOOOHOOO!!!!!!!
Someone can move in permanently or they can take turns watching the “poor dear.”
Therapy for hubby, now!
I would tell husband that first she needs to see a Dr to see what’s really going on with her health wise and that YOU and HIM both need to be at the appointment to see the best way to help his mom so it looks like you are both on her side. Until then you won’t move back in. Otherwise it’s just manipulation if she refuses and especially if she won’t allow either of you or won’t allow YOU to be there if you are supposed to be part of her “care” team if you move back in. Frame it like that for him. And if this simple thing can’t happen, let him know. He can move back in with her, and you will be filing for divorce stick to this boundary.
NTA. Tell your husband that you will not entertain any idea of moving in with her unless she actually makes a basic effort to check her health with a doctor’s visit, as him moving back in could actually be detrimental to her health if she thinks him moving back in will solve everything. Play up the concern that she would ignore symptoms if she has hubby there to lean on and that it would be better to remain distant until she gets a formal diagnosis and plan of care set up so you both can decide on appropriate arrangements for her circumstances.
NTA. Do not move back. You will never get away again and she will constantly undermine your relationship with your husband. She will expect your lives to revolve around her. I have been in this situation and it’s not good
Why can’t she join some social groups, volunteer, maybe take some kind of class, even like a group walking kind of thing where both social and health is addressed?
YTAH for participating in this triangulation nonsense. You already know that the problem is not his mother, but that he doesn’t set reasonable boundaries. So you tried to triangulate around his poor behavior by trying to control the relationship between him and his mother.
And in so doing, you set yourself up as a target and made it a happy fun time for all these people to bond over what an evil harpy you are. Don’t hand ammo to people like that.
Your husband can’t be ‘caught in the middle’ of a tug of war if you drop the rope and refuse to play. If he’s not going to set reasonable boundaries to protect the health of your relationship, none of this tug-of-war nonsense will improve that anyway, so it’s pointless behavior on your part. It may be he just doesn’t want to be with you that much, but it may be that he will decide he does if you stop confusing the issue by setting yourself up as the target for everyone to be upset at.
>”Maybe we should move back just for a bit,
Uh yeah no, it won’t be “just for a bit”. It will be waaay harder to get out of there. And then your husband would avoid the conflict of getting back out and just stay and stay and stay, indefinitely. Ugh.
ESH you don’t tell her anything. It’s up to your husband to man up. Maybe she needs to move somewhere where she has activities and isn’t so lonely. Maybe she needs a job. But you cannot tell her that.
If your husband keeps choosing her, then you have to decide if you can live with that
NTA. And good for you for calling this out now. My husband’s mom has done the same thing, and it was exhausting(e are NC now). At first it was little things like what you’re describing, or just a request for us to stop by because she needed help- she once called desperately needing help, and when we got to her house she wanted my husband to move a roaster pan from the kitchen to her car.
She did however fake cancer to get attention. Yes- a cancer scam. She told everyone she had stage 4 cancer and less than 6 months to live. Imagine how stressed and sad my husband was… but somehow, she had one procedure and then never any care again- no radiation, no chemo, no lasting side effects. Just had to go back to the doctor in 6 months. Stage 4 cancer? I think not. It was all a big for attention and her trying to get her way.
Nta. Your husband is being scammed.
NTA. If she is too ill to live alone – maybe she needs to find a senior place or assisted living.
My MIL was a hypochondriac—lonely, guilting sympathy seeker. She divorced when her kids were little and remarried herself to them once they were adults. Never having to speak to her again was the highlight of that divorce from the bad kind of dependent mama’s boy. Your husband can either cling on to your apron strings or hers, not both. Southern saying
“Maybe we should move back just for a bit, so she calms down.” Dude. Oh HELL NO. If he is serious, then he can go, and you stay in your own home. I have a lot of sympathy for somebody having lost their spouse, but manipulating her son to move back in? Nope. NTA
NTA. If your husband moves in with mommy, don’t go with him, otherwise you’ll never get your own place or your own peace again. Stand your ground.
NTA – your husband is not in the middle – he is just not on your side. Let him go back to mommy and you go live your best life without him.
Do NOT move back: it would be a living hell, and contrary to what your husband (very naively) hopes, it wouldn’t be “just for a little while”. MIL would find a way to make the situation permanent.
I both agree and disagree with the other posters. She is lonely and doesn’t want to live alone. She gets scared about every little twinge and is afraid of dying alone. She doesn’t want to go to the doctor because she is afraid of having her fears about her health confirmed. I don’t think she is being deliberately manipulative. It may even be that someone she knows or read about had died alone and that sparked her fears.
Personally I would not have approached her that directly. I would have instead insisted that she see a doctor and find out for sure whether or not she had any health problems. If she did not have any, then I would have considered setting up a regular weekly visit so that she did not feel quite so alone. If things didn’t get better, then I would have considered being more blunt. You went straight to blunt.
NTA but one your husband should do the communication that she’s being manipulative and two, have your husband start sending her information on assisted and independent living situations where there is help 24/7. If she wants to say she can’t live alone, he needs to give her options that are not you.
She needs a roommate.
NTA. Help her get a roommate if she needs company or get her a pet.
NTA. Maybe he will see her nonsense of faking sick and stop engaging. One day she actually will need help, but she’s played the boy who cried wolf one too many times. No one will be there to help her. Don’t give in to this. Let hubby move back with her and tell him you’re changing the keys before he comes back.
NTA – Every time she does it, go get her and take her to see her doctor. If she doesn’t have one or can’t get an appointment, take her to the urgent care. If she’s going to use this as her reasoning, then call her out on it. Get her a life alert that she can use when she’s feeling unwell by herself.
nta next time she calls ask the police to do a welfare check on her maybe convince your husband to put her into a retirement home so she wont be so lonely
Nta but maybe make it a little of a routine where you call her everyday at 5pm for example and for a weekly visit on a Sunday for lunch. Then she’d know she’s not “abandoned” and you can live your life
Are you married to Howard Wolowitz?
NTA, but a little harsh.
Suggest assisted living if she can’t manage to live on her own.
Maybe a nice nursing home.
Maybe the relatives that are bitching about the situation could take her in…
Is he an only child?
She reminds me of character in an old sitcom now I can’t figure out who. Almost like Fred Sanford but that’s not it.
Anyway NTA.
I would look into senior living arrangements, where she has her own apartment, but there are activities for the people living there. Maybe she could make friends and not feel so alone.
NTA
How would she be safer if you lived there? Surely you would both be out, working and having a life more than you would be in.
If she’s genuinely scared for her safety then she should go somewhere that is properly monitored- like a care facility/community of some kind.
Also, treat it seriously and call her an ambulance everytime she makes an alarming medical claim. I assume neither of you are medical personnel (and even if you were, it’s considered unethical to routinely treat family members) so running over to ‘help’ isn’t actually helping. It will either prove an actual issue which can then be treated, or you’re shining a light on the bullshit – all while being a caring and dutiful DiL!
Nta. But next time pull something like that, tell her that you’re calling an ambulance because it’s not normal to have so much pain and she really needs to be checked. And for the family, tell them that you don’t know what they heard, but that you’re always asking your husband if she finally saw a doctor because you’re worried. And if one of them could help, that would be nice
NTA. Your mil is manipulative and obviously very selfish. Good luck.
Don’t move back in with her. Don’t let her move in with you. It’s not good for anyone. She needs a life that is more than you two. You two need to build your own lives. Plenty of alternatives have been suggested here.
Do not move back in. Tell hubby that is grounds for divorce.
NTA people need to stop enabling manipulators
Does your husband hear himself? Like dude be so for real. He’s a grown man. His mommy is a grown ass woman.
“thou shalt not covet thy son’s and daughter-in-law’s attention”
NTA
With other people, and maybe between yourselves, and to her: be amused.
“She’s having trouble adjusting to being alone, poor lady, it’s just a bit amusing, but it’s not serious, she’ll be okay once she adjusts. And rushing over will not help her adjust.”
NTA. The only reason your husband is “caught in the middle” is because that is where he put himself. He should be squarely on YOUR side in this situation. His Mom is trying, very successfully, to manipulate him into doing what SHE wants. Your husband either doesn’t want to see it, or simply doesn’t care.
Either way, you need to explain to him that while she is his Mom, you are his immediate family now. You two chose each other and are trying to build a life together. If he continues to let his Mom interject herself into said life, you will be forced to walk away. You didn’t marry him to live with his Mom. You married him to be his wife and have your own home and build your own family.
His Mom sounds lonely and jealous. Lonely I can understand, but to be jealous of your child’s spouse is too much. We raise our children to be independent and live without us. It stinks because as a Mom I’d love nothing more than to always have my kids with me, but that’s not how life works.
Your MIL needs to figure herself out and find some hobbies or make some friends. Just because she raised your husband, it isn’t his job to now be her comfort and entertainment because his Dad is gone. She needs to adult and not guilt your husband into spending time with her.
Uh, you have not only a MIL problem, but a husband problem! Do not put up with her antics and do not move in with her! Absolutely not! Refuse to listen to her attention-seeking behavior and tell your husband to grow a pair and put you (his true family) first!
NTA but this is a husband problem.
She’s obviously lonely since her husband died. The aunts and cousins who are all up your ass about it can go VISIT her, spend time with her, go places. It’s not like they’re strangers. NTA.
Wow she isn’t even just doing it when your husband is out of the room. She’s open about it! I’d try to talk to her calmly about her fears. Which are a NATURAL part of aging. (I’m 68) It’s very normal fher to feel like this. But it’s NOT OK to want her married son to move back home. Tell her and any relatives that OF COURSE you didn’t say th a t. But you are concerned about her and her health. Is taking care of a home too much? Is she ready for assisted living? Does she have friends? I gave up a friendship because this lady would not leave her daughter and son in law alone. She’d go so far as going to the ER trying to get them to take her in because she didn’t want her daughter to get married. She wanted CONTROL over them. I tried talking and reasoning with her. SHE had a life and children and family but didn’t wish this for her own daughter! Best of luck with MIL. I hope you can find a good solution. Don’t be the bad guy and don’t allow her or other relatives to make you a bad guy. I’m hoping this is normal and not total selfishness on her part. I do think it’s important to stand up to her in as kind of a way as possible.
NTA – moving back wouldn’t change a thing. Te next time you moved out this would start happening again.
NTA from now on call non urgent for a wellness check, every time. I guarantee it will only take one or two times before she finds a new hobby.
DO NOT MOVE BACK IN WITH HER! It will ruin your relationship, trust me. I dealt with it for 5 months and almost lost my mind.
Do you have a scheduled time that you see her? My husband and I have dinner with MIL every Monday night. We have very busy schedules, especially with littles, but having something routinely scheduled with his family seems to work in our family. It decreased phone calls and helped MIL feel needed/wanted. Monday night dinners gives MIL something to look forward to
NTA~ Maybe she should rent out one of her spare bedrooms (the one she wants you guys to live in) to another senior citizen that way she can have company and help someone on a fixed income at the same time!
NTA If she is not going to the Dr then it is for attention. Maybe look for some Meetup or activities for her. Look into book Clubs through the Library. Senior Social centers. YMCA/YWCA (The Y) sometimes has daytime senior activities. Maybe go volunteer and invite her along to make some new friends.
You should know that loneliness can kill. Not saying this to guilt you to move back in but maybe there are ways you can encourage her to get a social life
Do some research on covert narcissists.
Stand your ground. Do not move in with her or you’ll never leave. Your husband needs to decide who he prefers living with. If it’s his mom, you have your answer.
Nta
NTA she needs to see a Dr if she’s having such problems and if she won’t ur husband needs to push it or make it on her behalf and go in with her cause no doubt if she did she a Dr and they tell her she’s ok she’s gunna tell u guys otherwise
No no, not another gutless husband who wont stand up to his mother AITAH trope, Like, write whatever fake stories you want, but at least come up with something a bit more original, yeah?