So here’s what went down. My husband and I just got married like, not even three months ago. Everything’s been mostly okay adjusting, figuring things out, the usual. But his stepmom? She’s been on my ass nonstop about following all these family traditions. And I’m not talking cute stuff like, “We open gifts at midnight,” or “We cook this dish every Sunday.” No. I mean full on expectations like kneeling to elders every morning, doing this very specific weekly prayer circle, fasting on certain days even if you’re sick, and don’t even get me started on the wardrobe rules. She told me I “shouldn’t be wearing shorts in the house because that’s not how their women dress.” Like… what?! I kept my mouth shut at first. I really did. I thought maybe she just needed time to warm up to me or maybe she was trying too hard to “help” me fit in. But she kept pushing. Every time I visited their house, she’d corner me. She once told me that “a real wife respects her husband’s customs,” and she said it in front of everyone like I was some disgrace. I felt humiliated. She kept dropping little comments like, “You’ll never be accepted fully if you don’t make sacrifices,” and “You don’t want people to think you’re selfish, right?” I talked to my husband about it. He just said, “That’s how she is” and brushed it off. Literally said, “Just try your best, babe. She means well.” I wanted to scream. So finally, last weekend, I snapped. We were at their house and she was again telling me I should prepare the ancestral table offering by myself something I’ve never done, don’t know how to do, and honestly, don’t feel comfortable doing yet. I looked her in the eye and said, “Can you just give me time to adjust?
I’m not used to these traditions, and I feel overwhelmed. Please stop pressuring me.” My voice cracked. I was shaking. She got quiet. Like dead quiet. Then she turned to my husband and said, “So this is the woman you married?” And walked out. Now his whole side of the family thinks I disrespected her. They’re saying I’m selfish, that I’m ruining their family unity, that I “have no heart for culture.” And I just… I feel like I’m drowning. I’m trying. I am. But it’s like nothing I do is enough unless I fully become who they want me to be. I’m not even allowed to just… ease into it? So yeah, I finally stood up for myself. And now I’m the villain? AITAH?
Comments
Annulment?
NTA. So just stop trying to fit in. You will never be accepted 100%, because she will always find some fault. Stop going over to her house and stop listening to her dictates. She is the one ruining family unity by insisting on her rules. You have your own culture and history, you don’t have to suddenly adopt all her rules because you married into a crazy household. You and your husband need to work out what your own house rules are, and as long as you and he are happy that is all that counts. It is your MIL’s loss.
As an aside, don’t have children with this man until you have worked out what your house rules are and have communicated them to MIL. She is going to want to come over and make sure that HER grandchild is raised under her rules, which doesn’t get to happen unless you both allow it.
NTA. But your husband needs to step up, and boundaries with his stepmom need to be firmly established. This is your marriage, not a performance for his family
NTA. marriage means blending lives, not being forced into someone else’s playbook
NTA – so your husband knew she was like this, and would be like this to you, but said nothing.
Even now he’s not helping or defending you, because let’s face it, he wants his step mother to break you and mould you like her (gross).
So I agree that an annulment is the best course of action.
give a firm talking to your husband and tell him that he has to do something about their behaviour or that you’ll stop visiting his family all together and might even have to reconsider being married to such a spineless man.
How long did you know your husband and his family before the marriage?
Honestly your husband’s reaction would make me worry much more, than all the crap from his stepmother.
I personally wouldn’t give a rat’s behind about these weird archaic traditions. But I wouldn’t marry anyone, who practices stuff like that. So that might be on you.
NTA. I think boundaries should be set and a mutual understanding is supposed to be met. Family traditions are good but sometimes it’s good to let someone settle in because pressuring them to pick up family traditions. Meanwhile, I see no reason why y’all are living together in the first place
Could you ask for a list of all the “rules” and once you have them send back timescales on learning them all?
To be honest it does sound suffocating, how are you supposed to be you but fit into the mould they gave you? Did your husband know about all these traditions but didn’t communicate them with you?
I would take a step back and breathe. Ask for a calm sit down with his parents to outline all the traditions you need to follow and then ask to go over them and ask questions I.e. how do I sent the table to your liking? But also communicate your feelings, say when it is too much and try to negotiate which traditions you don’t want to keep but you need your husband on side or you will be alone in your fight.
Are you in the US? Is this some sort of fundamentalist cult religion? “Kneeling to elders..”? “how their women dress.”?
Were you aware of this religious zealotry BEFORE you married this man? Is he a willing, devout participant? Does HE expect these cult behaviors from you? If the answer to any of this is yes you need to GET OUT = ANNULMENT.
This sounds like a definite cult and NOTHING is ever going to change – they will DEMAND compliance from you or else you will be given their version of excommunication. (YAY!!)
NTA
She is using “tradition” as a way to control you. I mean, you probably should have known she was this way BEFORE you said I do but it is what it is.
– Kneeling before elders is a shitty “tradition”. Just don’t.
– weekly prayer circle? if you are not the same religion or in the same church – just don’t..It’s not your way/tradition
– fasting on certain days? It’s not your tradition. Don’t do it
– wearing shorts in the house? You wear shorts in the house.
Your husband has to be on your side in this. Yes – you are the woman he married and his mom has to deal with it
Forget the stepmom. Your husband is meek and weak. How attractive. I’ve no idea why you’re folding yourself into a pretzel for any of these people, least of all him.
Nta, You’re not a robot, you’re a person trying to find balance. Asking for space to adjust isn’t disrespect; it’s self-care. Your boundaries matter, and if they can’t respect that, that’s their issue, not yours
Dear mil and associates,
My husband knew , liked and chose me as I am.
He loves me as I am.
We will live our lives as we see fit.
You chose to comply with traditions.
I will not change myself to fit traditions that we don’t follow in real life.
You can accept me or not, but know this I can accept you as is or not too.
That will determine the majority of how all of us will be involved in the future.
Best wishes
But you too need to earn my respect,
It’s my family’s core value tradition.
WTF kind of traditions are those? And who in their right mind would want to follow them? NTA and I think you were too polite. I’d be, get off my a$$ lady, none of this cr@p is going to happen. NTA
Christ almighty get away from this weirdo and his mother. What a total failure of a husband. You need to learn to stand up for yourself, get yourself OUT of this situation and wise up. Just wise up. I can’t believe you thought that asking her to stop pressuring you counted as standing up to her? You’re like a little mouse. Woman up and get out. NTA. Good luck.
Let me hold your hand when I say this, but you’re in a dangerous situation when you have been questioning your reality, your intuition has been screaming at you for months and you have ignored the red flags to keep the peace. It’s admirable to keep the peace when the issues are tiny and insignificant, but this, this is disrespect and emotional abuse, devaluing you in front of others… Not to mansion to cult-like behaviors and expectations. Is she the leader of the house? She sounds like a narcissist at best and a psychopath at worst, and believe me you don’t want to live in a house with either. She might be both. And taking into consideration hubby is not even AWARE of the problem, not to mansion not working on healing himself and distancing from it, you’d be facing not one but two problems, at least.
Ancestral table offering? What on God’s green earth? Is this a real cult? Girl RUN!!!!
All you did was set 1 boundary. It is paramount to have those in healthy families. Hers is obviously not that.
Hubby first failed himself and now is failing you too.
You’re NOT the AH. You’ve been groomed manipulated and are now been devalued. The next stage of this cycle is discard. RUN before they have a chance to hurt you more.
Nta. I agree with others here that your husband needs to step up and stand up for you towards his stepmom. Otherwise, I am afraid this marriage won’t last long.
Updateme
Why do I get the feeling that bedwarmer that FIL married is really going off about traditions on the bedwarmer’s side of the family & forced onto the husband’s side that OP married.
FIL should had nipped his bedwarmer’s problems right in the bud. It’s not the “she means well”, it’s the bedwarmer that doesn’t acknowledge that she’s out of line for causing trouble for others.
Bedwarmer needs a proverbial smacking reminder that she’s not family of OP’s.
NTA. You need to talk about this with your husband further. Your step MIL is being super controlling and rude AND your husband is brushing you off. That’s not a recipe for a good, lasting marriage.
Either stop going over there altogether until you two discuss whatever expectations your husband may have but not have told you, or be willing to make changes while you are at her house only. You shouldn’t be expected to follow any traditional customs in your own home if it’s not how you believe, even if it’s their culture (not yours), but if you knew going into this family that they expect everyone to dress a certain way at their house, you might concede there. This is not to say you have to, because it’s up to how you feel about it all. Like some of the comments say, you also have your own culture and ways of thinking.
Talk. To. Your. Husband. And please, don’t do anything without making sure you are a united front. If he isn’t on board, you’ll never make a dent in how they treat you. If he never gets on board … this may be a marriage in the gutter already.
Tell them to worry about their households and you will worry about yours. Or just have your husband go over by himself. Speaking of husbands, yours is being a wimp and needs to stick up for you. NTA.
NTA
I’d get out. Annulled immediately. Not because of her, but because of the spineless weak man you married.
NTA.
Just minimise going over to her house.
NTA. Your husband should have shut that shit down. He is the bigger problem here. Tell him to either have your back or look at divorce or annulment and get out while you can.
Did you marry into a cult? Maybe your husband isn’t saying anything because he wants her to get you in compliance with cult life. This all sounds really scary to me. I hope you have friends and family near you to keep you safe and sane.
NTA
Did your husband explain these “traditions” to you before the wedding? Your husband brushing this off as “she means well” is very concerning.
You need to have a discussion with your husband to figure out your household. Does he expect you to do these “traditions” in your own house and hasn’t told you yet? It may be time to get out of the marriage.
Sounds less like “traditions” & more like they’re trying to indoctrinate you into a cult.
NTA.
My late mother in law, who was a saint and whom I still miss even though she has been gone for years, took me aside the week before the wedding and said:
I’m only going to give you one piece of advice, that I wish someone had given me. Start the way you mean to go on. It doesn’t matter if it’s a small thing like packing his lunch, or a big thing like how you divide your money. If you don’t want to do it for the rest of your married life, don’t start doing it at all. It’s much easier to create new habits than change old ones.
Good luck, I think you will need it.
NTA. Move back to your culture and invite your husband to come live with you. I doubt he’d be willing to adapt to yours the way he expects you to adapt to his but I could be wrong.
So did you guys ever talk about what traditions are important to each other? It sounds like he is from a religion that you were not in. What was the expectation that was laid out?
Fake post
Its a CULT, run!
Are you from different ethnicities? Because if you’re both white and American, like other comments said, it really looks like a cult. And in a cult you’re nobody, not even respected as an individual.
Cult or family tradition, this husband and family seem like they’re going to gaslight you and you won’t be able to see what’s normal or not, and even think you’re not allowed to feel unfairness from them.
NTA … you have far more patience than I do … I would have lost my shit on her and told her to fk off th3 first time and if my husband told me that instead of standing up for me I would get an annulment and tell him. To g9 fk off with his step mom… js life is too short to live by aomeon3 else’s wishes and wants marriage is about creating your own traditions… and husband needs to c0mmunicate withcyou on this ifcnot toss his ass back out to his crazy ass family so he can forever be a lonely fkr becaus3 hexlets his step mommy control his life wife and home… hu by needs to grow a pair seriously.
NTA.
But your new husband needs a new spine, and fast.
Sit down and tell him you want to see a marriage counselor to work out some issues before they become unmanageable.
Given you have been unable to deal with his family and he has refused to, you as a couple need help navigating this asap.
This family situation of his will absolutely kill your marriage if you and your husband don’t get it under control. You need a neutral 3rd party to help you navigate this.
As others have said do NOT have children until your marriage is on steady ground.
NTA – You have a husband problem.
UpdateMe!
NTA, but doesn’t sound like your husband has your back. That’s a huge issue. Coupled counselling, stat. If nothing changes, I think you’ll be much happier without him.
Move far far far away
NTA. If it was me I’d ask your husband did you want to marry me or a subservient clone of your step mum?
Then if he says you tell him you will not be disrespected and he needs to grow a spine and stand up for you to his step mum and family.
NTA. Did you accept a new religion as your own when you married? These sound like religious traditions vs family traditions.
NTA but honestly I wouldn’t recommend doing it like you did. I would be more confident and forceful, and just say things like “this is inconsistent with my own culture which I am not giving up.” Women like your MIL are able to exercise this power because they are enabled by the cultures they come from. You are not in that culture, you have no obligation to follow it.
NTA- those traditions are HER traditions not yours. You have a husband problem if he’s letting her treat you this way.
What culture is this? Just curious.
Get a divorce. You won’t be miserable the rest of your life
Why the hell did you marry someone with a bunch of cult type expectations? There is no way you didn’t know about any of that shit before you married him.
Pack your stuff and go home. Don’t stay married to someone that is part of a cult
NTA. I didn’t see a problem if they have their tradition, the issue here is they didn’t give you time to adjust or respect your decisions and your self, Isn’t she comfortable with women wearing shorts? Ok, then not look at them.
You two needs boundaries and honesty he need a real two guts and give you your place, he’s married now and if he like it or not you’re his priority and if that isn’t the case, then I recommend you a annulment of a divorce, you didn’t deserve to be treated like that.
Next time you talk to your husband, “It’s just how I am. I need you to stand up for your wife. Just do your best.” You have a husband problem, not a MIL problem.
Every time he says, “it’s just how she is,” and he will say it on repeat. Reply, “it’s just how I am.” You can also alternate, “is not sticking up for your wife just how you are?”
Whatever phrase he uses to describe her, use it to describe yourself.
Also, and only if you want to go nuclear and get this all out of the way now, break every single tradition you can.
NTA
head on over to r/justnomil for some other advice
How long did you date your husband before you married him? There must of been some hint of his families traditions before your marriage.
Did you not know his religious customs before you married him? Why was there no understanding about how integrated into these customs you would become? That aside, this sounds like the beginnings of a life of hell for you. Why do you go to your in-laws’ home to be treated this way? Why isn’t your husband more vocal in standing up for you? What is going to happen if you have children? Do you want them raised in his religion? Do you have any of your own religious traditions? If you want this marriage to last, you need to seek couples counseling from someone who is still in counseling partners with religious conflicts. I see nothing but disaster ahead. I would try counseling, and be prepared to get out before children and more misery complicate this union.
NTA but you have a husband problem. This is your life now, that man will never defend you.
NTA but this is a husband problem and every piece of this should have been discussed before marriage. Did you discuss switching over to his religion and customs? did he explain what you’d have to do and how you would be required to live? If not, this is a huge issue and you need to discuss next steps
Did you know you were marrying a super religious traditional family? Does not seem like you knew these people before getting married. Nta, but maybe rethink your situation it doesn’t seem like you’ll be even a little happy long term with these people.
You got a part in a Margaret Attwood series?
Do not “ease into it”. Easing into cyanide is still taking poison.
You got the classic husband problem. So start with him. Tell him flat out that if he refuses to love and protect you, then he’s not a husband. He’s a child who shouldn’t have married at all. You are not going to be pressured into giving up yourself and your life to some crazy chick just because she’s married to his father. If husband cant handle that, then get a divorce as quickly as possible because you already know what life they want you to lead and you don’t need that foolishness.
For the rest of them, when they say you don’t have heart for culture, laugh and tell them you stopped with peer pressure when you were 14. After all, “tradition” is just peer pressure from dead people. And if they are in a panic at someone being strong and independent, that’s on them. You’re going to continue to be your own person and not join into their cult-like behavior. If that means never being part of their lives and they aren’t part of you and your children’s lives, that’s ok too.
Yes you’re the AH you knew about all this in advance and went ahead and got married anyways you literally brought all this on yourself and you had to have known it was coming otherwise you acted wilfully blind to it
Nta , RUN it’s amazing how people change when you get married . Now that they think you are trapped . Leave before he gets you pregnant ,because that’s how family traditions work . Sit down and think are you happy right now. How do you see yourself in 5 or 10 yrs .
NTA. Yikes. She sounds super creepy, even toxic. Were you aware of any of these traditions before you got married? What was your wedding like?
Unfortunately it sounds like you’re going to be incompatible unless your husband steps up to defend your nontraditionalism. Life is too short to be miserable and it seems you’re going to feel very much alone in this relationship if your husband can’t defend you and your individualism.
She doesn’t mean well.
Run.
ESH. How long did you date before you got engaged? Were you aware of their strict customs? How did you not know what would be expected of you before you got married? You willingly married into this family, you should have known what would be expected of you. That’s not to say MIL isn’t an AH because she is, but unless this was a blind marriage you knew these people and their customs. You walked right into this.
This is a war you will be fighting for the rest of your life. Think about that for a minute
Your husband does Not have your back. Think about That for a minute.
Its hasn’t even been 3 months. Please bail out before you have children with him.
Did you know the person you married well? It sounds like he also has these expectations as he isn’t shutting it down.
Where you aware about this traditions before you got married?
Because if you did, it’s your fault. If you didn’t, it’s your husband’s
What kind of culture is this?
NTA but MIL is.
How do you marry a guy and not talk about religion and religious expectations before hand?
Religion, money, children these are all important conversations to be on the same page about.
Nta. I married into a very conservative culture. I don’t follow their traditions. There are some that are important that I show up for. But they also married into mine so I expect them to follow some of mine as well. Works both ways.
They cannot shame you. If you did it wrong they will shame you more and they are trying to break you. Either hubby steps up on you step back into divorce
Sit husband down and ask him to tell you, with complete honesty, what he expects of you. Does he believe in these traditions? Does he expect you to as well? Why didn’t he tell you any of this beforehand? Is it because he doesn’t believe in any of it? Because he knew you’d never marry him if you knew? Will he support you refusing to capitulate to step’s and his family’s demands? What fallout will there be when you refuse or quit showing up?
You need to know what his expectations are so you have the knowledge you need to proceed with remaining in this marriage or ending it.
NTA stand up for yourself…you don’t want to give up your life to someone else’s expectations that you do not agree with
Nta & if husband doesn’t start being on your side like he should then sorry to say, but he’s not worth your mental health. UpdateMe!
Do you really want to live the scripted life she/they expect of you? Be real with yourself about it. If you can’t see yourself easing into and enjoying the role they define for you, cut your losses and go for divorce (or annulment if possible).
Unless you change yourself to how THEY want you to be, your marriage will never work.
Your husband should be supportive to you, but it sounds like his culture is more important.
Maybe consider an annulment if you are not prepare to become a different person.
you married a man, not his religion, customs and def not the step-mom, if he wanted you to do those things tell him he should’ve told u before the marriage not after cause this is a trap and you would’ve thought he’s man enough to stand up for what’s right and respectful, not foe the disrespecting one. your husband is the AH for allowing anyone to disrespect you.
Why are you even trying?!? Tell her they aren’t your traditions and you didn’t sign up for this. Tell your husband the same thing and that he needs to man up and tell his SM to mind her own business. Stop going to their home and stop participating in any of that nonsense! It honestly sounds like you didn’t know your husband/his family at all before getting married. How old are you??
NTA. If it was just his MIL and your husband was prepared to stand beside you, I would suggest going low contact. Unfortunately, his entire family agrees that calmly asking for tolerance is disrespectful and your husband is unwilling to support you. He probably agrees with MIL.
Get out now. Do not doubt that a future with this man would be a torturous battle against the tide. Accept the pain of breaking up now and avoid years of painful jabs and disappointment in the future.
Leave. Divorce. Do NOT keep yourself tied to this family for life. You made a mistake. It happens. Don’t drag it out because it IS NOT going to get any better. It’s going to get worse, especially since you loser husband refuses to stand up for you.
Don’t wait for it to get better. It won’t. Don’t wait for him to change and support you. He won’t. Just LEAVE.
updateme
If you own husband doesn’t have your back, how do you think this will go long term? Your husband either needs to step up and support you/put his mother in her place OR he is expecting you to crack and bend to these traditions. Do you want these traditions? If not, then you have some soul searching to do and make some hard choices to make.
I’m assuming you are from different cultures. Did you not know his family had these “traditions” before you married him?
How did you not know about all these things prior to the wedding? You didn’t discuss it with your husband prior to the wedding? YTA
NTA.
BUT … cultural differences are real. Just because you don’t subscribe to that culture, doesn’t mean that those in that culture should just give you a pass. If that’s an expectation in that culture, then you should be prepared for it.
I’m surprised this wasn’t a bigger discussion between you and your husband while you were dating. There should have been some serious and deep conversations about this and not any “oh they’ll just accept me for who I am“ sort of talk.
You got a long uphill fight ahead of you. It’s still early enough for you to make the decision to continue going up that hill or not.
Get out now. Sooner rather than later. Your husband doesn’t have your back, so therefore you have a big husband problem. It’s also on your husband to teach you these traditions, not your stepmom. Good luck. UPDATEME!
Where is your husband in all of this? Why didn’t it get discussed beforehand? You need to get put of this marriage ASAP
Where does your husband land with this stuff? My suspicion is he either agrees and was too much of a pussy to tell you upfront before you married him, or he disagrees but is too much of a pussy to stand up for you. Please don’t have kids with this little boy until you’ve decided whether you’re willing to go along with this bullshit and whether you want to subject a future daughter to these “traditions” or if you’re going to do the smart thing and get the hell out of there.
You’re NTA for speaking up, but you will be if you continue to stick around without understanding where your husband stands on these matters and if you decide to yield.
How are they welcoming your culture?
NTA. It sounds like you married into some sort of religious cult. Your husband needs to grow a spine and stand up for you, and you should spend some time thinking about if you REALLY want to force yourself to adapt to these “traditions”. If I were in your shoes I’d be asking husband to move away from them so you only had to deal with them and their “traditions” occasionally on holidays or something. If he refused I’d be getting an annulment…no way I could force myself to deal with constant insults or be forced into pretending to like or normalize this sort of thing.
Ntah. Religious people are the worst 🤢🤢
Time to leave your husband
He doesnt care youre uncomfortable he expects you to conform
NTA. Tell mom that you and your husband will be creating your own traditions.
that’s why you have to have serious conversations about expectations in any marriage.
While marrying someone culturally different than you I do believe it is important to embrace BOTH backgrounds. However, I feel like you got the shitty end of the stick when it comes to MIL. Instead of saying dearest DIL let me show you how to…. she has extreme expectations.
If your now husnad is NOT defending you, you need to consider if this marriage is worth it or not.
Please consider the marriage rapidly before you get trapped with a baby and are tied to them for life.
Sadly you will never win with this woman. Your SO should be backing you up, not excusing her stupid comments. I am presuming you are in India or the like? Can you go home? Sending hugs.
INFO: Did you NOT know this going in? You SO has NEVER mentioned this and you have never witnessed it being around his family?
This is not something you want to have to deal with forever. I would probably leave.
Also tho, you have a husband problem.
He should have had a talk with you before marriage to at least warn you of what his family will expect of you.
He should also be defending you to his stepmom.
You have to be full Dana Delaney from Tombstone. Flaunt every tradition, wear a bikini and micro shorts as a standard day. Call them all by nick names of their first names, make up prayers to whomever, whenever. After a few weeks tell them if you are going to be accused of mocking their customs, you might as well get these jokes off. If they had let you adjust, you would have come around. But now? On Kendrick, we are in this until the sulphur gates.
he doesn’t even like u girl. NTA but you gotta leave
What has your husband done or said he is willing to do to protect you?
You have a husband problem and the solution can resolve both problems at the same time.
You have a husband problem
NTA but asking for a time to adjust doesn’t cut it. You don’t want to adjust. You want her to back off and leave you alone. She has no respect for you so why does she expect any respect from you? It goes both ways. You need to have a chat with your husband and draw some clear boundaries. He needs to have your back in this. If you don’t want to follow their traditions he needs to support you because he’s your husband and his loyalty should be to you, not to his stepmother. If she insults you then he needs to be the one to call her out and demand she apologizes. This is his family’s mess, not yours. “that’s how she is” or “she means well” is not support, that’s avoiding conflict. He has to pick a side. I sincerely hope he picks yours. Good luck.
NTA
Did you join a cult?
I am so sorry you’re dealing with this. It’s not right, and it’s not fair. And your husband not siding with you is the icing on a rancid cake.
I’m sorry to say this, but you need to think seriously about what you want. Asking for something as reasonable as time to adjust is disrespectful? And his entire family thinks you’re wrong?
Do you really want to live like this? Do you want to deal with the family for the next few decades?
You need to decide what you want, and your husband needs to give you 100% support (none of this “that’s how she is” crap). Frankly, he probably should not have married outside his culture.
Sit down with him and have a serious discussion about this. Your MIL needs to be put in her place now. Do not accept anything less than full support from your husband. If he can’t do that, I’m sorry to say that you will need to move on. You deserve much better than this.
NTA.
Your husband wont stand up for you.
Just get it annulled and go on your way.
Otherwise youll not have a good time.
Was this an arranged marriage?
These cultural divide posts would be a lot easier to not dismiss as fake if we had the context of some key information. For instance, I’d love to know what culture expects even sick people to fast.
Divorce now while you still have a chance. Fuck them.
NTA.
However
Things as specific as these traditions should have been noticed, or at the very LEAST mentioned in the time you and your now husband were dating.
There is no way you could have gone into this relationship as far as you have without having been made aware of the expectations they had of you “conforming” to their way of life, unless they actively hid all this from you.
In any case, you’re here now, and while it does sound like you’re trying, it isn’t good enough for stepmom. News flash: your efforts will never be good enough for her. Either you accept this now and grow an extremely thick, callous covered skin, OR you get divorced/have marriage annulled and move on with your life
Annulment
A husband who allows his family to bully his wife does not truly love his wife.
A husband who puts his extended family’s opinions before the well being of his wife does not truly care about his wife.
A husband who allows his family to openly bully and mistreat his wife does not give two shits about his wife.
Nta, but it might help or hurt to know, you will never be good enough. If you become what she asks, she’ll change what she wants. This is the dynamic she WANTS. She was probably treated the same and now feels like it’s her turn. She wants you to feel like this. This is the goal. She’s winning. She won’t change but you can. You decide how much her opinion matters.
What shitty traditions. It sounds like a nightmare, I’m so sorry. Your husband must support you unconditionally and protect you from that witch, talk to him. He must understand, otherwise get out of there, it’s not worth that battle, it’s you against everyone.
Does anyone else read stepmonster’s behavior as cult-ish?
(Assuming this is real, because I kinda doubt the stepmonster would have held her tongue until after the wedding…)
OP, you have a husband problem. If he’s not willing to back you up and defend you, then you need to reassess if this is a relationship you will be happy or safe in. Talk to him and set boundaries — either he tells her to back off and leave you alone, you agree that you (and your future children) will not attend any future family functions with him, you get couples therapy so he understands where you’re coming from and how to support you, or you seek a divorce/annulment. Because as things stand, her treatment of you is clearly only going to get worse.
You didn’t get married, you joined a cult.
Run.
Just stop going over. Fuck her and honestly, fuck your husband for not protecting you.
Nta.
But Id walk away from all of it. The family… Your spineless husband.
It’s not worth it.
Updateme!
I’ve seen this talked about in other subs. Some cultures have huge expectations of the wives, but they also have huge expectations of the husbands, and everyone in that culture knows both. Apparently some men deliberately marry outside of their culture, and then expect their wives to conform to their culture. But because the wife doesn’t know the expectations for a husband, they get a free pass, and can ignore the obligations that a woman from that culture would demand of her husband. I’m not saying this is what’s happening here, but it could be.
In any regard, OP, you have a husband problem. He needs to stand up for you. If he is not going to, then, you need to rethink the marriage. In a lot of cultures, the husband’s family has significant control over the wives, and you could be facing a life of very unpleasant expectations. You also need to read up on what’s expected of a husband in that culture, and insist on those things as well if you remain in the marriage, and if your husband won’t have your back.
NTA
If your husband is not supporting you, you have a husband problem
I’m sorry you picked such a fucking weak loser as your husband. He’s the problem for not having your back
NTA but stop going there
NTA. This reeks of religious cult.
If your new husband isn’t willing to stand up to his family with you, I think this will only get worse. If he is willing to stand up to them and cut them off if need be, you need to figure out a plan together. If he isn’t, then he was deceptive about what he expected from you before marriage and annulment would be the best plan moving forward.
I’d be tempted to ask every person in public in front of her if they have similar tradition. Eventually she’ll fuck off out of embarrassment.
So, you’re trying to tell me that you knew NOTHING of his family traditions before you married? You hadn’t hung around the family or talked to any sisters, mother, etc, and this has just been dropped in your lap? I call BS!
NTA. It sounds like OP only goes to visit. She doesn’t live with them. She needs to tell her husband she is done visiting his stepmother in her house. He can choose to accept this gracefully. If he chooses to insist she visits his family, then OP will know the marriage is over.
You don’t have to freak out or fight with them. Just say you have different family traditions you follow and those take precedence over people you’re not related to. If they want to know about your traditions, tell them it’s traditional to keep them secret. 🤣
TBH though, I’d divorce. Your husband doesn’t have your back. It’s also surprising that you never noticed these “traditions” before or discussed religious beliefs with him at all while dating. Had you never met his family prior to marriage?
You have a problem, this problem calls your husband. The stepmother does what is allowed and when her husband remains silent, she gains strength. Get out of this relationship
You can’t win this one especially if your husband is on their side. Cut your losses and run.
You have a 💯 husband problem. NTA
Is this what you want for the rest of your life? If your husband doesn’t put his foot down, it will be. Don’t have children with this man until you feel comfortable in your own marriage
I’m going to say what I always say- your husband is the issue. Divorce (or annulment if you can) is the only sane solution.
I just don’t believe these posts anymore. This reads like a novel ‘ . . . my voice cracked.’ Who talks like that?
You married someone with a different religion, and you didn’t learn the customs? The marriage needs to be annulled. These aren’t silly traditions. These are everyday customs, and while she might be the only person who is vocal, she is not the only one in the room thinking it.
Lean in to the push back.
“A real wife respects her husband’s customs,” “Guess I’m a fake wife then.”
“You’ll never be accepted fully if you don’t make sacrifices,”
“I think it’s apparent you’re never going to fully accept me, so best to stop trying.”
“You don’t want people to think you’re selfish, right?”
“I’m sure you’ve already turned that opinion.”
If husband isn’t going to back you, he can deal with the fallout.
Option 2: stop attending her house all together.
INFO, hey OP! Did you marry into an Asian household? Because the kneeling (filial piety) and the ancestral table worship (memorial tablets) sure sound like you did. Are you of the same ethnicity as your husband?
Also how long have you known your husband before you married him? It sounds like you didn’t really meet his parents/family before…?
NTA. It honestly sounds like your husband is using his stepmother to do his dirty work for him so he doesn’t have to look like the asshole in your eyes. His reaction to how his family is treating you is giving him away. It’s not a case of “It’s just how she is” when it’s his entire family participating in the pressure and mistreatment.