Throwaway account because some of my family knows about my other accounts. Also, super sorry for the long story. It’s all pretty important. TL;DR at the bottom.
My wife (24F) and I (27M) have been together for about 3 years now and we have one child together (5 months old).
Further important context: I am an experienced paramedic.
My MIL and I have always seemed to have a strained relationship, mostly due to political/religious views, but I’ve always attempted to keep it cordial because my wife is very close with her mother. Like call her most days, sometimes multiple times. Due to this, regardless of how much she frustrates me because of her relentless need to push her beliefs onto me, I keep the peace the best I can.
Prior to my son’s birth, I was never entirely sure why she disliked me. The only real confirmations I had was that I strongly pushed for my wife to pursue her independence in her senior year of college (get her drivers license, own her own car, get whatever job she wanted) and prior to that she HEAVILY depended on her mothers support. My wife and I then mutually decided to pack up and move across the country to a more outdoorsy and opportunity rich state. To my MIL, I essentially stole her daughter away to a “dirty liberal state” and took any opportunity for her to have a close relationship with her (according to texts she sent my wife).
Anyway, fast forward a bit and we’re figuring out birth plans with my wife. The original boundary I set was her mom could stay with us for 2 weeks following the birth to assist around the house. Since we moved, our support system obviously was drastically less, and the help would be useful. Unfortunately, my wife’s pregnancy was incredibly difficult to plan, so her mom ended up showing up about 2 weeks early, before the birth. It was mostly fine (other than it being literally right during the election and her mom would absolutely not stop talking about it), until we got to the delivery day.
Incident #1
My wife was in labor, but no water broken. I decided it was a good time to catch a cat nap as I’d been awake for about 28 hours at this point. My wife had gotten an epidural and was comfortable, all was well. I asked my MIL to keep an eye on things, and I dozed off. Shortly after falling asleep, I hear the sound of a blood pressure alarm going off. Before I even fully understand what I’m doing, I am on my feet and out the door yelling for our nurse. They brought in medication and my wife did much better after that, but she required adjustments to her medication to make it so her BP wouldn’t tank again. My MIL was furious that I reacted how I did, that I apparently “gave her an opportunity to take care of her daughter and then ripped it away”. Whatever, we moved on eventually.
Incident #2
The time had come for my wife to be induced and she’s actively pushing. I am right next to her, holding her leg back and holding her hand, trying to be as supportive as I could. My MIL is standing behind the bed, supporting her neck. During one of the breaks between pushing sessions, my MIL steps back, and I slide my hand behind my wife’s neck to support her head until my MIL is back to take her position again. For whatever reason, my MIL does not retake her position, and instead steps back and sits on the couch where she remains until the baby is finally born. I wasn’t paying attention to her at the time but she was apparently crying. I originally chalked it up to “my only daughter is having a baby and this is emotional for me”, no big deal. Until she was still crying an hour later, through the entire golden hour. Then for another hour after that, to the point where the nurse asked if she was okay. I’m not talking about quiet sniffles her, I’m talking snot nosed sobs. Come to find out later, her words and not mine, I had “stolen her moment” during the birth. What the fuck. Every time I look back on the first two hours with my first son, her tantrum taints the memory. It fucking sucks.
Incident #3
When we finally get home, she spends the first 2 days being helpful, no real issues. Then she starts to attack my wife because the baby is having latching issues. Mind you, she NEVER breastfed her kids. My wife is struggling from her post partum issues as well as the latching issues, and her mom never missed a moment to tell her all the things she is doing wrong. She also would get upset anytime we put the baby down for a nap because “she’s missing time she won’t have” with him because we live too far away. At one point, my wife and MIL were in the nursery and they were having trouble setting up our Owlet monitor (which is a pulse oximeter at its basic level, something I have a metric ton of experience with). I walk in and say something along the lines of “Oh I can help with that” and my MIL looks me up and down and snaps “Oh because you know SOOO much about this”. My wife snapped at her that I quite literally use them daily, and my MIL stormed out of the room.
Anyway, that’s just a taste of the essentially daily and nightly torment we went through for a month with her MIL during the first kid. We haven’t told her this yet, but we plan on having INCREDIBLY strict guidelines for the next two kids we plan on having. She’s only allowed to visit us for the first 3 days following the birth, she cannot stay at our house, and any sideways comments or “woe-is-me” moments will result in her being kicked out.
My parents took a backseat to MIL during the first birth (even though MIL has two other grandchildren and this was my parents first) so I plan on asking my own mother to stay with us for the first adjustment period instead.
Does this seem harsh? Or is there a better way to go about this?
TL;DR MIL made the birth of my first child all about her and spoiled a ton of precious memories, so now she has strict guidelines to the next two kids we plan to have, including not being allowed to be present for the birth itself.
Comments
NTA. your body and babies, your choice.
You are NTA. You are being absolutely reasonable. I’m glad you and your wife see eye to eye on this. This is your life event and your home and your special time with a newborn!
NTA. Honestly, you’re just putting your foot down, which is 100% what you should be doing. Your MIL literally made one of the most important moments of your life about her—crying, throwing tantrums, and giving unsolicited advice. It’s totally unfair to you and your wife, and you’re not obligated to put up with that kind of drama. You’re protecting your space and making sure that the next births are peaceful and about you and your wife, not her. You’ve tried being kind and respectful, but now it’s time to set those strict boundaries, and honestly, anyone with a brain would understand. You’re not being harsh, you’re just being smart and protecting your family’s peace.
NTA
“thanks so much for all your help with Thing1, MIL. We will let you know when we are ready to host you for Thing2’s arrival”
As long as your wife is on board (which sounds like the case) NTA, but if she isn’t and you’re unilaterally declaring she can’t have her mother there when she gives birth YTA
NTA for how you feel and the situation, but I would tend to say that it is up to your wife who gets to be present for the birth and after.
I hope for both your sakes she is on board with your recommendations, however, and is ready to tell her own mother to stuff it.
NTA. Of course she’s lost her privileges! Of course, assuming you and wifey are a united front…..
NTA. STOP letting this horrible woman hijack your family’s happy moments & taint your otherwise wonderful memories!!! She’s an emotional terrorist! DO NOT NEGOTIATE WITH TERRORISTS!!!!! I myself refuse to, and my life is soooo .uch more peaceful now!!!
NTA. Why are people like this? I promise the tainted part can fade in time. My first day as a mom in the hospital was absolute shyte and i really only react to the good parts now. I’m sure there’s parts that I still don’t even know all of the story of. It’s probably better I don’t.
I think you were overly generous letting mil in to the birthing room in the first place.
I wouldn’t have.
You are setting boundaries and that is fine. If your wife approves that’s great 👍
Not the asshole at all. Birth is about the parents and the baby, not a MIL’s ‘moment.’ Her behavior was selfish and borderline manipulative—sobbing for hours and making it about her? That’s unhinged. The fact that she also undermined your wife’s postpartum experience and attacked her over breastfeeding when she didn’t even breastfeed herself? Yikes. Setting boundaries isn’t harsh; it’s necessary for your family’s peace. Good on you for making sure the next experience is better for your wife and child. Stand firm on this one.
INFO: Does your wife want your mother to stay with you for the birth of a second child? If yes then a clear NTA, if no or you haven’t asked her yet then ESH.
I’m just going to say.. don’t alienate your wife from her mom. I think you can address your issues you have with her mom, to your wife, but she’s going to have to be the one that says “I totally see what you mean, she wasn’t helpful and next time maybe she doesn’t come”
But also, you can word it just like you did now to mil. “I know you probably want to come be at the birth, but since you were there last time it’s now my mom’s turn. You can come visit any time of course but we can only have so many people at the delivery, I hope you can understand.” And if not. That’s her problem.
I just would be careful with what you’re saying to your wife. If mil is already in her ear about you, the last thing you want to do is force your wife to choose between you both. If mom forces that – then that’ll ruin their relationship. But please let them figure it out on their own!
She was bawling in your wife’s hospital room and you didn’t kick her out right then?
Let me jump to the end here and save you time and hassle. Hard, firm boundaries and grey rocking. You’ve got the benefit of distance which is good. Personally I’d have tossed her out on her ass a long time ago, but it was an intense time and people like her LOVED to grab the reins when everyone’s preoccupied elsewhere. And at your age I wasn’t as attuned to it.
I mean really consider her behavior. Her daughter, presumably a piece of her own heart living outside her chest, was attempting one of the most stressful, painful, emotional experiences of her entire life. Your wife’s life, mind, and body will forever be demarcated by this experience. What was her mother thinking about? Where was her consideration? Who needed tending to? Not your wife, her daughter. Kind of fucked up, isn’t it? You’re a dad now. Imagine yourself plopping down to weep as your new child becomes a parent and makes you a grandparent.
I wouldn’t let her set eyes on my kid ever again unless it was through plate glass.
NTA.
You plan on asking your wife if she wants your mother to stay with you for the first adjustment period instead, right? RIGHT???
NTA. honestly, you put up with a lot. this lady seems attention-seeking, and you are right to cut her off. i can’t imagine how she’ll be once the kid is older.
NTA, good plan it does you wife and your mother get along really well? Is your mother willing to come cook and clean or will she want to come help with the baby? You should let your wife decide what she wants.
I’m 90% sure this story is bullshit. An EMT would know the difference between being complete and being induced. Not to mention the insanity of someone openly bawling for over an hour before anyone asks why.
You aren’t the one giving birth. You don’t get to decide shit. This is your wife’s birth and your wife’s mother. Sit down and let your wife speak for herself. And if my husband had invited his mother to stay with us right after I gave birth, I’d have thrown them both in the trash. But he would never bc he’s not a controlling douche.
YTA – if your wife agrees, then she should tell her mom. If your wife doesn’t agree, you can’t ban her mother from her birthing room.
NTA – your MIL needs to take a seat and stop controlling being overbearing. She would have been banned from my home.
The only two people birth is really supposed to be important to is mother and child. Healthy birth and transition. If someone places a sentimental importance on it, that’s their choice. So if it’s ‘important’ to them, the conduct has to merit it. Aint no free rides worth shit in this life. If this is an A+ event in their life they should have worn a tuxedo.
As long as your and your wife are in agreement, tell MIL, “It’s my mom’s turn this time.”
Well, this is actually your wife’s choice.. if she is okay with it okay. She may just want you there.
Make sure your wife is fully on board with the new plan. Do not ask your mother to help out without discussing it with your wife first.
I think it sounds wonderful!
Protect your mental health and your family from all of her bad energy. This is you and your wife’s time and should be able to do so without negative energy. Congrats on your upcoming births🎉
OK so you’re NTA, but the person sho should have the final decision should be your wife. She is the one giving birth, and she is the one who should decide who she’s comfortable having in the room, visiting when she’s still bleeding and can barely move around, getting baby used to breastfeeding (because people will see her body), etc. As long as she’s on board with your parents, you aren’t an AH.
NTA. No need to bring up future births right now. You are only setting yourself up for constant emotional blackmailing. That comes up when you ARE pregnant. If I was you I wouldn’t even tell her about a pregnancy until mid 2nd trimester. Tell her you two just finished the first. Don’t tell her a due date. You can always fib and tell her it’s 3 weeks after the actual date. If she talks about being in the delivery room tell her it’s your mother’s turn. Period. She will be at the birth and she will help out after. It’s her turn.
For the future, hospital L & D nurses are very good at maintaining parents wishes on who can be in the room. You don’t even have to communicate with MIL. Tell the nurse, “Our birth plan does not include my MIL. Please ask her to leave.”
as long as your wishes for the birth plan align with those of the person actually giving birth, you are NTA, because no one but that person actually has a right to be in that room and only that person has the final say
Absolutely NTA. MIL can show up for her three days of visitation when child #2 is six months old.
I’m glad your wife recognizes how miserable her mother is and is supporting you.
As your wife gets busy raising her child, the frequency of her calls with her mother will decrease. What will increase, though will be her mother’s fury about lack of contact and involvement. Be prepared to support your wife and counteract her mother’s negativity. Her mother was insulting about difficulty breastfeeding, she’s going to be worse.
When the grandchildren are old enough for video calls, never allow them to talk to grandma alone. She WILL indoctrinate them with her religious and political views.
Is this too harsh?
Seriously. It’s not harsh enough.
Someone who can and chooses spend literal hours crying during a situation instead of addressing what is happening is a child. A very young child.
Your son is already more mature than your MIL.
NTA. And if I may make a suggestion, tell MIL baby is due about 3-4 weeks later than the actual date. Quietly have baby, then inform her the next day that baby “arrived early.”
What does your wife want? That is the most important thing here. I get that MIL pissed you off, but your wife is the one going through the labor and what she wants is more important than what you want. If she’s on-board NTA, if she isn’t and wants her mom there then you are the asshole.